soulbliss

the end...

2011-07-12T23:49:00.003-03:00

I have suddenly decided to change some things in my blog world. I am ending SOULBLISS and opening a new blog. I know people do it all the time but to be honest it has quite surprised me that I am. I have decided to go back to just after Soul was born and cut off this blog there so it can remain a truly infertility blog with a perfect ending point.

I have been transferring the posts after that time up until now to the new space which is called SOULBLISSZEN. I am staying with blogger because I actually really like blogger. Who knows if that will change or not too.

I am also going to try and focus more on the Zen side of my life in that space. I got through infertility (barely). I immigrated to Canada. We have had our struggles and continue to deal with them daily but I am really trying to focus on the wonder of my life and being present and much more mindful. It truly is amazing how green I continue to be in my Buddhism and spiritual practices these many years later. So I will be working on that and hence the new name.

Please join me over there and add me to your readers. So many of you have become such amazing friends and lifelines for me over the many years since this blog began almost 5 years ago.

Thank you so much to Queen Mel for introducing me to this amazing community and to all the others I met through the boards at Babycenter among other places. I know without a doubt I would not be typing this as Soul lays here half across my belly sleeping so peacefully if it were not for the support I found in all of you amazing women. I could never had gotten through try after try and loss after loss without you reaching out to me in my darkest hours telling me "I know what you're going through", "I feel your pain", "I get it", "You are not alone", and most of all "I am so sorry, that sucks". Those words saved me time and again and gave me the strength to get through 3 years of hell and finally be lucky enough to have my dream fulfilled.

So thank you.

Thanks you.

Thank you so very much.

And I hope to see you all at SOULBLISSZEN

soul birth story...

2009-05-11T16:32:00.002-03:00

::: a warning, this is very long:::

As I wrote before, labor began at around 4 am Saturday May 2nd. By labor I mean real contractions, they were spaced apart and irregular, averaging around every 15 minutes. Some were quite painful, and others not so much. They went on all day with a few breaks of an hour or two. I tried to do things to keep them going but nothing seemed to affect them. I should have and would have hiked my neighbors steep driveway but my knees were awful that day, as if a huge dose of relaxin had been released, just walking and they felt at times to be popping out of socket.

I began timing in earnest that evening but they were still pretty randomly spaced. I got about three hours sleep and was woken at around 4 am again but with much harder contractions.

Sunday morning they were around 7-8 minutes apart and most were very intense and painful, as in I could not talk through them. This went and around 9 am they were really difficult to deal with and around 5 minutes apart. I was coping only with the yoga ball but it was getting hard even on that. I even used it in the shower and when that didn't help much I told Lu (who is roomie but she is so much more than that, her name is Lu so from now on I am just saying Lu. And yes Bleu and Lu, too funny) as soon as my laundry was dry we would head out.

I should explain here that heading out meant getting the two dogs, Bliss and Lu and I packed up with snacks and luggage and games and dog food because hospital is an hour away and we were not coming back until baby came. Bliss was to be allowed to room in with me but would be with Lu all day at a hotel with the dogs. I had found sitting on the yoga ball the only way to cope with them and was afraid of the drive without being able to be on the ball. I was also terrified of even getting downstairs at that point. I was at the point that I was afraid of being stuck upstairs because contractions had me frozen in pain at times so leaving suddenly became essential to me. I choose to do the driving but in my defense I felt it would be doable and I would focus less on the awful hour it would take to get there. I could pull over for contractions. So Lu got everything together and by 10 or so we left.

It WAS easier to handle them because I was sooo focused in safe driving. I had to slow a few times to get through contractions but I did OK. I called my doula on the way and she was meeting us at the hospital. We arrived and I took some of my stuff, kissed Bliss 10 times and went in. The doula arrived shortly after, met Lu and brought up the rest of my stuff.

I went straight to L&D and waited through a couple contractions for a nice janitor to get a nurse for me. They got me to a temp room and hooked me up to the monitor and got me a yoga ball. After about 10 minutes they let me know contractions were about every 3.5 minutes and said I was doing good. They had me get on the bed a bit after and checked my cervix for the first time.

I was only at 1 and my cervix was still completely posterior and the baby was high.

I was devastated to say the least.

They got me a room and I got undressed and the doula and nurse helped me try and focus and get through contractions. I went from ball to bed every 2 hours for a cervix check. I was starting to get back labor and it was really messing with my psychologically. I had awful back labor with Bliss and lost the plot during it and was afraid of that happening again.

At each check it was the exact same story but maybe a tiny bit thinner cervix. I asked the nurse to call my OB at this point. He was not on call at the hospital until the following day, his partner was the OB on call and when I met him after arriving I knew I didn't like him or trust him for a section. Even before we saw anything of what I may do he was trying to hint to me I would most likely need a section. I did not trust him to carry out the wishes/needs I had if indeed I did get a section and felt either way I would go to the next day to decide. So the nurse called my OB and let him know what was up, but he made no offer to come in that night so I felt more stuck.

At around 3:30 it was suggested I take a hot shower, the back labor was getting a bit more prevalent. I took a stool into this tiny shower and got in and just began to cry.

I missed Bliss,so much, and what was going through my mind in that shower was that I was optionally suffering a lot and being away from Bliss all so I had a chance to have a vaginal birth and that the longer I suffered the longer I was away from him and the longer until we ALL got to go home. Putting off the section until the following day because that was the day my OB was on call and so I could see if I ever fucking dilated meant 2 more nights after that before I would be allowed to discharge. What was the point????

At this point I called my doula and just wailed to her about it all and said I should just fucking section.

The nurse came in and asked if I wanted something for pain. I said I didn't want Demerol or Gravol as they would not take it away and I would feel dopey to boot. I said I wanted an epidural but knew it was too early with my cervix. She said she would call the OB on call and ask.

I felt utterly defeated at this point. A day and a half of labor and at a 1. It was all so familiar except the spontaneous labor had given me false hope this time would be different. I was angry and upset. The nurse came back and said the OB had said OK to the epidural, that I had been laboring so long and needed rest. She also noticed that the shower had slowed my contractions and warned me the epidural could even stall me completely. I said fine, at least I could get some rest and Bliss could come over for the night and we could have some quality time together before the section the next day.

A side note here. I had found a nearby hotel for them all to be at during the days that had a pool and took pets. When I called after getting into my room they were not there. The place no longer took pets, the secondary place with a pool didn't either so they found another place with no pool and come to find out the TV's are so old they have no AV sockets so Bliss could not even hook up his Game Cube. I was sooooo upset at this but he had good spirits about it. I was happy about that but knew it would change when he had been there all day for possibly 2-3 more days.

So the anesthesiologist showed up before they even had my bed ready and I got the epidural. He had some trouble finding the epidural space in my spine so it took a while but the freeze shot was numbing the back part of my labor contractions so I was OK.

The epidural took about 20-30 minutes to really kick in and then my blood pressure dropped to 70/44. They forced an entire bag of ringers in with a pump, which froze my damn arm but my bp stayed low. They then gave me a shot of ephedrine which did nothing. About 1o minutes later after putting in a catheter I was given another bag of ringers and another shot of ephedrine. Still no change so they were about to turn off the epidural when my bp finally came back up.

Sheesh what a pain but I was no longer in pain. The OB came in then and it was noted that as soon as I got the epidural all contractions had stopped completely.

This is where everything really changed and where I give that on call OB I did not like and the Canadian health system a ton of credit. The doc said to me that because everything had completely stopped and it had been over half an hour that he was OK with trying me on a low dose of Pitocin if I wanted.

To clearly explain this I need to clarify things here. With Bliss I had a home-birth transfer to the hospital for no dilation and they refused to give Pitocin to help because they said they had no prior relationship with me to know my prenatal history (like the midwives excellent records were all lies?) and therefore could not risk giving it to me. READ THEY WERE COVERING THEIR ASSES IN CASE OF POTENTIAL LAWSUIT!! This is so much the US medical system, always the possible lawsuit precedes the patient care. Now, this time around I am well aware Pitocin is not even on the table because I have had a previous c/section and there is a risk of uterine rupture. I never asked because I had read the very latest study on uterine rupture and Pitocin that was recently done and is the current gold standard in all of North America and much of the world. Where is the study out of you ask??? It was out of Halifax Nova Scotia, Canada. I was an hour away from Halifax in a room when the on call OB looked at me as a patient, and looked at the current situation I was in and made the decision that it would be OK, and safe to try me on Pitocin because of the specific circumstances going on at that moment with his patient. I was floored, and impressed and said sure.

I still didn't think it would necessarily help but I was happy to be given the chance, once again, to get to my goal of VBAC.

So I was finally relaxing. I had called Bliss, he was having fast food and watching TV and bed jumping and doing OK. We planned to bring him over after 9 pm so he would be tired and go to bed soon and I though I would get a nap before then when I felt a contraction. I said hey! I had one, then realized they had just hooked up the Pitocin about 3 minutes before. So I though that was a good sign. I DID feel the contractions but they were manageable and I had a button for the epidural to hit if I ever needed extra. The OB said as long as he was getting good readings on the monitors we were OK but if he couldn't he may have to place an internal one so he could really keep track of my uterine pressure. It just went inside but not in the baby or anything. I said fine if that was necessary that was OK with me. He said we would watch and decide later.

They contractions were going for a couple hours, every 20-30 minutes or so the nurse would come in and up the dose. After 2 hours doc came in to check my cervix which was still at a 1 but some effacement had happened. Needless to say I was not hopeful, but I was not in much pain so all was OK. Two hours later the contractions are causing me to hit the extra meds button a couple times but still OK but I am checked and at 1 plus wiggle room. I am frustrated but the doc says it's enough to keep going with the Pitocin.

The next two hours before the next check was harder pain wise and when I was only at a 2. I was of the mind that a section was for sure but at least I now knew even Pitocin would not help. The doc and my doula were way happier than I that some progress was made. The doc decided to break my waters at this point. I wish I could say I felt release, but I felt nothing but the same contractions I had been. I was surprised, however, to see so much bloody fluid come out but the doc said it was fine and normal. With Bliss it was clear. After that I gushed with some contractions and not with others but truth be told I had been gushing with contractions on and off since I got to the hospital so who knows what was up. I was never concerned and neither was anyone else.

Bliss came over for bed at this point which made me soooo happy. The contractions were really starting to cause pain at this point even with hitting that button a lot, but having him there made me focus on him and get through them pretty easily for an hour. We chatted and the nurses brought the rollaway cot and made it up for him right next to my bed. He was tired but very excited. After going potty and doing our goodnight ritual he laid down and Lu hung out until he was asleep. My awesome doula had said she would sleep in the lounge and be on call for me or Bliss so Lu could go back to the hotel and get some sleep and be with the dogs. I was having a harder and harder time with contractions at this point and at the next check around midnight was at a 2 plus wiggle room. The contractions were not only in my cervix but now they were in my butt too and they hurt there. I was very very uncomfortable, like severe pain and then a funny bone feeling but in my butt, I was not happy. I was quickly getting frustrated at this point but then during that next 2 hours something shifted and the contractions became very very different.

I have read a lot about birth. Specifically a lot about natural and alternative birth. I was very traumatized by Bliss' birth. It took a year before I could even begin to process it and it was very very painful even then. One thing I have read about on my favorite (read super crunchy) sites was orgasmic birth. I do not think I ever believed it but I LOVED the sound of it. What had shifted is what I can only describe as that kind of contraction, an orgasmic one. It was deep, and vibrational, very very intense and slow like honey but in a languishing, rolling way, AND it was pleasurable. Yes I said pleasurable. I was shocked and dumbfounded but soooooooo happy. It took 2 before I realized it was that and I was trying to just enjoy them and thought I could finally catch a nap because these, I felt sure I could cat nap through. They also felt very very productive to me. I wanted to stay here in this happy space for a while. Bliss was sound asleep at my side, I was on Pitocin, all was OK and there was no pain, I wanted it to last a while.

Not.

After about 6 or so of these yummy contractions the nurse came in and turned up the Pitocin again from 79 to 80. They had been doing this all night but when she did it this time everything changed again. Suddenly all yumminess was gone and I was back to the butt contractions, but this time there was no cervical with it and the pain did not lessen in between contractions. Within 4 or 5 I was asking for the pit to be turned back to where it had been. The nurse said to try and cope with it a bit longer but the pain was unbearable. I was feeling like my sphincter was being ripped apart but there was no actual movement there. I was quickly becoming inconsolable and was begging at that point and crying myself a right pity party. The nurse said it was time for a cervix check and would do that first. She checked and said I was at a 3, but the doc had been doing them and frankly I believed her small hands and newness (she was new) made her call the docs 2 with wriggle room a 3. It was at this point I demanded it be turned down to 79 again, which she did, but it did not go back to yumminess. It did, after about 3-4 contractions, begin to include my cervix again in the pain part of the contractions which was very welcome at this point. When it was only butt it was just too too much. They brought the anesthesiologist back in at this point too and he gave me a bolus of a little more in my epidural and upped the click button dose but he warned me that epidurals do not ever take away pressure pain and nor do they usually ever take away butt pain. Great!!!

The last check had been at 2 am and I was exhausted and feeling pretty down, I began to wonder at this point when to say when, I really did not want to go through another c/section over exhausted and spent and it was looking like that was going to be the case. Every contraction at this point was excruciating and I was trying desperately to just get through them. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted my doula but I kept saying no, let her sleep. Pretty silly but I so wanted her available should Bliss need her and said to the nurses it wasn't like she could do counter pressure on my sphincter. I cried and breathed and just got through but by the time and hour had gone by I was pretty done.

The doc came in at that point to see what was up, he had obviously been told I was at the end of my rope. He suggested he do a check and then we decide if we should stop the Pitocin and let me get some rest or not. I said fine and again he did a check. While checking he sort of stopped and then dug deeper looking perplexed and I asked if I had gone back to a 1. He laughed and said no, I was at a 10 and fully dilated with just a teeny tiny lip on one side. I gasped, the nurses gasped, we were all totally shocked. From a 3 to a 10 in an hour. Apparently butt pain is good, who knew.

The nurses hurried to ready the room and wake the doula and I began breathing through contractions with renewed hope. I remember distinctly fearing a long pushing session though because if I went through all of this only to push unproductively and swell up and end up with a section anyway I would be PISSED to say the least.

The contractions changed the minute I breathed better and felt hope, they were still butt pain, and cervix pain, but they were also rolling and I felt the baby coming into the canal. I was at a 10 but the baby was still pretty high. I began very silent breathing through these contractions trying with all my might to let my body do all the work and me do absolutely nothing. It is what I had always read and wanted to do. It was very hard but with the knowledge of being at 10 I was really able to. After about 6 of those super intense contractions, maybe 5, I told the nurse what they were like and she looked at me and said it was time to try pushing. I was shocked again and said NO WAY?!? but she said yes. No all this time I was on my side because of the epidural, and apparently the baby's heart rate went up on my left side so I was on my right. The next contraction I did a testing push, not really an inward pre-breath just tried pushing hard. It hurt a lot but the nurse said she thought it moved the baby down more and with the next one to actually take the inward breath, push with all my might, and then another breath and push in the same contraction. So still on my side, with the next one that is what I did and I pushed hard, twice, and it hurt like hell and scared me a fair bit. My fear was of backing away from the pain, I didn't want to do that. I also had the catheter in still and wanted it out, it hurt when I pushed hard. The nurse said she saw the head and I would not be pushing long and of course, I did not believe her. My doula had arrived and was filming and lending awesome support and laughing at how drastically things had changed, and Bliss was peacefully asleep on the cot beside me.

The nurse suggested I move onto my back, saying I could now, but I have always been one who felt back deliveries was counter-intuitive. I looked at my doula and she knew exactly what I was thinking but the nurse said it could give more traction and she could hold my leg to push against. During the earlier part of the day before the epidural every time I went on my back for a check the pain was excruciating so I was afraid if I felt that again it would set the running-away-from-pain- ball rolling. She assured me they would move me back super fast if it even started, so they rolled me onto my back and with the next contraction I took the breath and pushed against their holding, hard, and then again, and then she laughed and said that the next contraction I could NOT push through, but had to breathe through because the baby was coming NOW and the doc was down the hall.

WOW!! Shocked does not begin to explain my feelings, I was numb and thrilled, and shocked, and a jumble of emotions all rolled into one. One thing I want to say here that was also neat is that the room was really quiet. I was not screaming or yelling through any late contractions and only grunting a little through the pushes so far. Watching the movie since the birth it is something that strikes me as so awesome, the lights were low and all was calm feeling. In my c/s it was a surgery room which is a ton of beeps and yuckiness. They had removed the catheter finally, what a relief, and taken off the contraction monitor from my belly and all was really quiet.

So I breathed and puffed through the next contraction and then the doc came in and dropped the end of the table and put my legs in braces I could push against and told me I could push away with the next one. I was asking all sorts of questions and stuff at this point about optimal pushing and would I feel instant relief after the head came out etc. The doc was funny and said yes but don't forget the shoulders, and I said I wanted to do both head and shoulders with one contraction if possible, head one breath shoulders the next. He thought that sounded great. So with the next contraction I took the breath and pushed hard and the head was burning and coming, and I didn't get it out as I started to panic inside and I took another breath and pushed again, but not as great of a push. The doc said it was great and the head was partially out but not past forehead or anything. They asked if I wanted to feel and I said no but felt anyways but all I felt was labia. As I waited for the next contraction the baby slowly slipped back inside and I was bummed but they said it was fine and normal.

At this point I said I needed olive oil, it felt too non-lubricated down there, which isn't true but one nurse said a nurse at another hospital swears by it and we had this very surreal mini conversation. I asked the doc if I just had to push through the pain at this point (duh) and he calmly assured me yes. In the movie I am patting my chest in this sweet and silly self-soothing way at this point. So with the next contraction I took a deep breath and pushed hard hard hard, and it hurt hurt hurt,and just when I thought I would have to take a breath which I felt would make me not get it done the doc said the head was out to the nose and that gave me all I needed and I pushed with the last of that first breath the last bit as hard as I could and out popped the head. And yes YES yes it was a relief. I then took another fast breath and pushed again and out came the shoulders and then the baby was placed right on my chest, instantly. And by the by I do not think the shoulders were as tough as the head, at least in this instance, but I also think the joy of the head being out helped a ton!!!

So she was on my chest, covered in vernix with some blood and mucus but not much. I was rubbing her and she was mewing and the nurse asked what she was and I said I didn't know yet and she said I had to look and tried, in a funny way, to lift her leg to peek. The doc said shoot he had forgotten to look to and I just had to. So I said no a few more times and then peeked and again, was shocked. Looking back I think I had to have glimpsed so briefly it was stored in my subconscious right when she was placed on me because I think I waited more in a putting off confirming what I thought I just saw. I was sooo sure it was a boy, and there ARE parts of me that are terrified of a girl. It has to do mostly with teenage years but still. So I rubbed in her vernix, the doc sweetly waited for the cord to stop pulsing and I asked the doula to cut the cord. They placed a blanket over her to keep her warm but I did all the rubbing in of that magic cream. She was soooo alert instantly, just like Bliss, and she looks so so much like him, BUT she is tiny people. I mean to me she is just tiny. 7 lbs 3.8 ounces. That is 2.5 pounds smaller than Bliss and it was sooo shocking.

Are we seeing a theme? The birth that shocked my world.

So after a bit I let them weigh her but she was gone for like 10-15 seconds and then back on me. While she was gone I rubbed her vernix into me too, my chest and face and lips, it is truly amazing stuff and smells soooooooo good. I wish I could make people get that, it is amazing! She was spitting up some mucus but nothing bad and they suctioned her with the bulb syringe a few times and I pulled some out too. She also snorted a lot and grunted but it wasn't a breathing trouble snort or grunt, just likely a little mucus somewhere. She sounded adorable doing it. And her mouth, instantly rooting like a baby bird. I think she may remind me of a little bird but I am not sure yet. Bliss has always been my bug, my ladybug specifically, but that came about after a few weeks so we shall see. I saw a Little Bear two days ago called Pillow Hill where three lil baby birds that were brown with clusters of white triangles on their chests came to Little Bear's window that totally reminded me of her. Now I just need to find out what kind of birds they were (they were baby Robin's). She next latched on perfectly to my breast and sucked for about 3 minutes like a champ. Then she stopped and pooped all over the blanket, but I had them save me the blanket. The blanket stayed out a few days but I just sealed it in a ziplock hoping to save some scent. I swear it smells like it has been doused with the finest perfume in the world. Now I am even more irked our brand new food saver is one of the things "lost" (read stolen) in the move out here.

Lu had been called by my doula as soon as I was told to start pushing in case it was long or I was screaming and Bliss woke up and was scared. So at this point I woke Bliss up. He had slept through the entire thing but I sooo felt his presence. He can be a little long to wake but as soon as I said the baby is here he sat right up. Now for reference I was told I was at a 10 at 3 am and Soul was born at 3:22 am so things really did move fast. I told Bliss he had a baby sister and he said it was OK because he had told me before that he could be outnumbered 5 to 1 (he counts the dogs) but the next baby HAD to be a boy. I laughed and told him we shall see but if I ever have another baby I cannot make it a boy on purpose. Anyhow he gave me some kisses, and Lu came in at this point. She says all she saw was blood and did not think the baby was born yet and she HATED seeing the blood but was happy and surprised too. Bliss asked to go to the hotel at this point which set me crying of course but he said he wanted to go play. He was very overwhelmed I could tell but Lu later told me it was that he said the baby smelled. See, he saw the slime and vernix, but smelled the blood of the room and thought it was the baby and he really didn't like the smell. We did lots of kisses, a couple pictures and he and Lu left.

Anyhow after another blanket and I asked the doc if I tore, he said as soon as the placenta passed he would check. I had a contraction a couple minutes later and he showed me the placenta. It was in great shape. This baby showed absolutely zero signs of being postdates, because she was not. PEOPLE PLEASE LISTEN, if 40 is average, just as many have to go over as under!!

Anyhow off the soapbox now, so the doc said the placenta was great but interesting fact the cord was side attached with is more rare. I am confused why the two 20 week scans didn't show this but glad on hindsight. So doc checked and then chuckled and said I had bragging rights, he said I had a tiny skid mark and that was it. And may I say the tiny stinging at the first pee 5 minutes later proved that to me. Before the pee they had taken out the epidural and after the pee they got me ready to be moved to the maternal and child wing right down across the hall.

Another side note here, they put me in a double room with a full third bed like the other two so Bliss had a place to sleep that night too. They were really so very wonderful with respect to my relationship with Bliss. I was and still am ever so moved about that.

Soul had nursed again for about 10 minutes before we were moved and after we got to the room she nursed for a solid hour. She is a good feeder with a great latch. It is also so nice to be old hat at breast feeding this time, I made things so very hard on myself at the start with Bliss. I truly believe being so relaxed about nursing made it go so much smoother from the start.

So after that hour feed I kept trying to nap but inevitably someone would come in. The sweet volunteer woman with the We Love To Read bag with books and a hat in it, the nurse, the L&D patient advocate nurse I had met with weeks ago to go over my wishes, she had been crying about the birth she was so happy. And of course I loved telling her the whole story, I had not seen her since Friday. Then a fantastic lactation consultant, who knew I was fine but was friends with the advocate nurse and wanted to chat which was fun, but again I needed sleep. Then the pediatric doctor to check her out, she was fine, good as gold but she DID tell me to watch for pee since I said it was so far assumed it was mixed with meconium. We now know better. And then the food service people came by and I told them NO and refused the tray. I wanted sleep!! Then I refused 2 more nurse checks and each of these things came about 5 minutes after falling asleep. Ugh! Then around 9 am my OB came by, shocked and sooooo excited, and of course we talked about it all. He too was shocked and had really thought after the call he got the evening before that he would be doing a c/section that day. He also hadn't even heard what the baby was so I told him a girl and we chatted about the whole thing, and his partner who was the OB who helped me deliver and then he told me as soon as I wanted to leave I could since it was such a normal vaginal delivery.

HA!

So I called Lu again and she was driving around looking for a new hotel with more for Bliss. So I had her ask Bliss if he would like to sleep in the room like he was told earlier or go home that day, and he said home so that was that. I really felt he would be so much less overwhelmed at home so I told my nurse I would be leaving by noon. Lu was taking Bliss for a birth gift, he had already gotten 2 from Soul and asked why another but I explained he got to pick one out from me to him on his new sister's birth day. So after that they came by and we loaded up after the car seat check and we left. Before we went home, however, I had Lu run by Walmart after I called them because the had our BBQ in and had only gotten 2 and one was already sold. So Lu ran in, shaking her head at me, and got the BBQ and I had to help the 2 yes two employees load it in the van because neither could figure it out,

Anyhow we then drove home and went upstairs to rest but by that time I was just wired and still in shock so I sent out the announcement. The rest you know so that is the story.

tidbits...

2009-05-10T20:11:00.000-03:00

Soul's eyes are steel grey. They had a blue tinge at birth but they are very grey now. So very very beautiful.

If anyone is a Sonic DX whiz let me know, Bliss just wants to know how to get to play as a new character Sonic Metal, or Esphio(SP?) Metal or Chaos Metal and no matter how he finishes all the parts it seems to never happen. I HATE this game but he has wanted to do this forever so if anyone knows PLEASE let me know.

OK Mac mail, I sent out a mass mail of the blog post birth announcement. Then the next day I sent out one more to a few others but I prepared the email offline since we know my dial up is crap. So anyhow ever since then, no matter what I do the mail won't synch. I cannot get mail on my server at all, and only yesterday could go online to Mobile Me to get mail but I still cannot work my mac mail. And then it keeps bringing back up the email I made offline and ALREADY sent and says it cannot do some actions online and brings it back no matter how many times I delete it.

I am at such a loss but calling Applecare when you can't be online and call at the same time because I have fricking dial-up makes me nuts!!!

I have finally finished the birth story, I just have fine tuning to do so I will post it in the day day or two. In case anyone wonders how I did it with the week we have had PLEASE understand, I have forced myself to do this at sleep loss just so I can get it down before I forget the details. I learned the hard way with Bliss how quickly your mind fuzzes out stuff.

I am down 40 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight just because I was so high before the pregnancy. I also gave birth at 25 down so it is very interesting. I really hope I can keep eating sensibly as I am now and that with the breast feeding I can lost another 40 - 60 pounds. We shall see.

We are doing better and better but I still get the chills thing now and again and it sucks. But beyond that things are going ok. I am emotional and unfair to Lu at times and crying about Bliss often but really, recovery is sooo very much easier when vaginal birth happens.

It is also so so so much easier when you are not recovering from birth trauma as well and with Bliss I truly was. I am emotionally doing way better than I did after Bliss' birth.

I am not getting to anyones blog posts so if you have news email me PLEASE. And know the emails I HAVE been able to read have been so wonderful.

So thank you, thank you, thank you!!

rough week...

2009-05-09T21:30:00.001-03:00

Really rough first week but here are the highlights.

Also to preface this, my mail server is not working right and my internet connection is suddenly almost not working at all but I have no time to figure it out.

First night home Soul started screaming in the night and did so for 6 straight hours. She had the pain scream, the terror scream, the alarm scream, the choking scream, and the shudder scream. I was beyond exhausted, hallucinating from just having given birth and 48 hours no sleep and I went so far as feeling resentment towards my baby girl that night. I felt all the awful emotions thinking how it was taking me further and further away from Bliss, how it felt like I was losing the love of my life (Bliss) who had hours before told me he could wash his face and hands and brush his teeth on his own because there was a baby now. It was a very traumatic night for me.

Next day I am further convinced she is not peeing, something I have suspected. we head out to the closest emergency/medical clinic 30 minutes away only to learn it is closed for the first time in 5 years, but just for that day. We drive another 30 minutes to a hospital and get a thoroughly crappy look over only to be told I must be missing the pee when she poops meconium and the screaming was just colic. Umm ok asshat, read a book, colic is first off a catch-all phrase for nothing and second cannot happen on colostrum.

Next day she is more and more lethargic. Public health nurse comes by and weighs her which is good but she also feels I should get checked out again. We drive and hour to the hospital I gave birth in only to wait 20 minutes with no one ahead of me and them knowing I have an almost 3 day old. A family waiting after me suggests the children's hospital in Halifax where pediatricians are always on. We leave and drive another hour to that hospital. Every damn person all damn day keeps saying they think she will pee in their hand any minute. I even was using a tissue in her diaper to prove no urine, also at this point my milk had come in that morning, she was eating all morning and now not pooping either. After 3 hours and after 10 pm the doc finally sees us. I ask for her to have a catheter put in to see, she agrees. They do it, have a little tension going in but pee comes out. I am elated and exhausted, we get home at 1am.

Next day every time I open her diaper she pees and pees, all damn day. I am very happy I had her cath'd to clear the path. The day is smooth and calm but that night she doesn't give me much sleep, no crying just typical newborn stuff.

Yesterday I begin getting the chills, so bad I have the room set to 75, 4 blankets and a heating pad on me and I am still freezing. I spend the day trying to get warm and miserable but know it is just the hormonal shift, there is no fever.

Today it is better but still there but I got good sleep last night.

I have finished a little over half the birth story and hope to finish the rest soon but my moments available were spent doing this and trying to get online tonight.

Thanks so much for all the awesome support. The first night issues were mostly just a lack of sleep, Bliss is doing really great and jumps to rub her head whenever she cries. I am emotional at him growing up suddenly but will get through it and Soul is truly precious.

announcing...

2009-05-04T19:39:00.000-03:00

Soul Om
born 3:22am May 4th 2009
7lbs 3.8 oz

Soul is a beautiful baby girl.
Birth story is crazy and amazing and because of what happened I am shocked and thrilled to announce I got my VBAC and every other thing I dreamed of.

Birth story to follow when I get some time.

I was home 10 hours after giving birth.

Bliss loves her and was there, asleep until she was placed on my belly.

Exhausted but no tearing at all.

Need sleep.

Much love to all.

it begins...

2009-05-03T09:25:00.000-03:00

So I began having contractions around 4am Saturday. I was really surprised and happy about it. They were not patterned but they were strong. I slept on and off until about 8:30 and when I got up I began losing my mucus plug. That didn't even happen with Bliss.

I had contractions throughout the day, some easier than others. I did breast pumping, yoga ball bouncing, homeopathics, orgasm, and walking some to try and keep them coming. Nothing seemed to really get them going regularly but I did have them every 15-20 minutes most the day.

Last night they seemed to get more regular, and more painful, around every 15 minutes. I got about 3 hours solid sleep and then short naps. Since about 4:15 this morning they have been very very painful (cannot talk through them) and around 7-12 minutes apart.

I have been using Contraction Master to keep track, and like it. It works even when offline which is good when you only have dial up.

I am having some blood tinge when I pee still which I am thinking is a great sign even though it is very little amounts. Anything that reads dilation possibility to me is a good thing.

In my head I am thinking I would not go in to hospital until they were 5 apart and regular, we shall see how the day goes.

Yesterday morning was cute because Dirt came onto my bed and laid against my belly. She is so good to me that lil dog, plus when she labored with Henrietta she laid on MY belly the entire time.

Bliss is sleeping peacefully next to me and it is magical to look at him through this, he truly inspires me, even if he did climb on my belly like 10 times yesterday.

So I am hopeful but cautious and just happy I may have a chance at my own labor here.

I will try and update later.

addendum...

2009-05-01T21:13:00.000-03:00

I feel like I need to add something to my last post and maybe it is in part because of NIAW and maybe it is just because I am staring at the end of my pregnancy coming fast upon me but my thoughts are jumbled so bear with me here.

I do not feel at ease. I do not feel I have "crossed the line" or "made it" or gotten to the "prize" in any way. I am almost 42 weeks pregnant and fear still robs me daily of joys and comforts. I have not been able to really get quiet and listen to my own body because the one sure thing to keep that from happening is fear. And fear is with me every moment it seems.

I did not have this fear with Bliss, not like this. But with 3 years of infertility, 3 babies lost just during that time alone, and 3 IVF's and an FET to get where I am right now there is this huge mountain of fear about coming this far and having it all snapped away in a tragic instant.

The thoughts haunt me in the night like loud cries from lonely creatures out in the dark. I try and remain calm, I breathe deeply and focus on my out breath and try to get through it. I get calm and try to feel the baby move even when it sleeps to reassure myself. I remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am.

But still.

I am robbed of so much through IF even when I am seemingly on the other side. Even though I know so very well I am where I wished so desperately to be not so long ago. I hoped these would be my worries because at least it would mean there was a baby in me, a chance, hope. And I AM there, and I am grateful beyond belief, but I am also angry. I am sad for the woman who isn't getting her full joy, I am angry for her, and I am also her and trying to soother her/myself as I go.

You get this amazing opportunity to re-parent yourself when you have a child and I have done a lot of that over the years, but mostly it was always re-parenting the abused, hurting little girl I was. Now I am trying to find a way to re-something the woman who suffered and suffers IF, and it may not exactly be re-parenting, but it is trying to find grace and gentleness while still being affected daily so I do not bring the baggage along to this new being.

It is difficult and frustrating and I just keep holding on to when I might be able to really take a breath, to really let it out and let go of some of this all consuming fear, and leave some of this seemingly never ending IF baggage at the road side.

41 weeks 4 days...

2009-05-01T20:01:00.000-03:00

I had an ultrasound today. Here I have to go to hospital (the hospital, it is different depending on where you live how you say it apparently) to get it done but my doc met me there and did it. I also had another NST. All is well, there is good fluid, baby looks fine, but nothing has changed. My cervix is still completely posterior and the baby is not engaged.

I am frustrated but ok. I am to be at hospital at noon if nothing has happened before then. I will have a c/s sometime that day if all remains the same. That will be exactly 42 weeks. Bliss was taken out of me at exactly 42 weeks as well which has a symmetry to it I suppose.

If anything was happening, any dilation, even effacement or engagement or contractions I might feel different but really nothing is happening. I had one real contraction after acupuncture and that was it. I semi-freaked out last night because the past 48 hours I have felt very different. I have felt less pregnant which is very disconcerting. I have taken the stairs normally for the first time. I have had un-sore boobs, I have been filled with energy. At this point with Bliss I felt every day I got bigger and heavier and more pregnant. This time it is like the opposite is happening.

The doc assured me baby was well and I am measuring 42 which is right on target, but I slept on my belly the last two nights! WTF?!? At this point with Bliss I measured 52 so I was WAY bigger, but still it is strange to be feeling this way.

The baby is still moving well but a little less often and the doppler has gotten me through some very paranoid moments lately. Again, and forever, THANK YOU ROSE!!!

In other news the upstairs bathroom, the newly renovated one, has 2 tiles making an awful squishing sound when walked on meaning there is a leak and the floor is wet. Not good timing. The plumber has been called and is trying to get out before Monday to at least take a look, we shall see, but again, the timing sucks.

We have also had our first real critter and it is a 20 pound porcupine. Really not what we expected. He or she is adorable, but does NOT scare, at all. I have two 10 pound dogs and it could easily very seriously injure them. My mama dog Dirt thinks she is some huge guard dog, especially right now, so now we are using a leash to take them to potty. Not what we wanted to be doing or what they want. So I am looking into having it relocated because it IS cute and I do not want it hurt, but it is very suddenly around our house all day long the little bugger. I took pictures but am really not up for an hour upload tonight. I will post a pic soon though.

So that is all for now, I will again post with any new news.

41 weeks 1 day...

2009-04-28T17:31:00.000-03:00

Still here, still nothing happening. Have been pumping an hour or so a day but nothing has happened. I see the doc tomorrow and also do acupuncture.

I am feeling frustrated for my own reasons but am doing ok. The thing is the body does not stay pregnant forever, none does, and if the baby is ok then a HUGE part of me wants to wait. Wants to trust my body. But the other part worries.

So I go back and forth getting frustrated, anxious, angry, worried.

Baby is moving fine and all is well otherwise.

Will post if anything changes.

40 weeks 3 days...

2009-04-23T22:46:00.000-03:00

Saw doc again today. Nothing has really changed, he said maybe a bit thinner in the cervix but he couldn't even break my waters if I wanted because it is still so high. I don't want that as of yet but it was frustrating to hear nonetheless.

I had an NST after, which was fine. Doc said we will see where i am next week and then discuss things. I would really like to just wait and wait, some women have 10 month babies as a rule. Do not argue this with me I spent years researching all of this. But you see I had 4 days of labor with Bliss and never dilated and I have no thyroid so I may be incapable of ever dilating, or even going into spontaneous labor. And because I have had a c/s I cannot have pitocin, which I do NOT want anyway, but because of all of this I know after 42 weeks I will likely have to say yes to another c/s.

I am not freaking out about all of this I am just sad that I may never experience vaginal birth, that I may never feel the ring of fire. That is MY wish and I will mourn it if and when I need to. In the meantime I am taking evening primrose oil, black and blue cohosh and staying active.

Bliss is trying to be patient but wants the baby here yesterday. We are doing well but I keep finding myself staring at him sleeping more, and trying to enjoy our last moments as just us more. The house is coming along and we are very happy in it. If the weather clears I may get to take him fishing for the first time on our pond in the next few days, but shhhh don't tell him yet.

I got to talk on the phone to Annacyclopedia and it MADE MY WHOLE WEEK!!!! That was such a delight!! She had the smart idea to put the blue cohosh in a grape (I only have it in tincture and it is NASTY) with a syringe (gee I wonder if I have those, HA!) and although the grape didn't work the small cherry/grape tomato worked like a charm. Thanks Anna!!!!!!!!

So that is all for now, believe me folks I will let ya'll know when somethings changes. In the meantime I am hanging out eating homemade Donairs (out new Canadian discovery we are loving) and trying to say mellow.

Easter and beyond...

2009-04-21T16:20:00.000-03:00

Here are some pictures of Easter finally. He found a few outside as you can see but pretty hard with all that snow. We did the rest of our outdoor hunt 2 days ago since the snow has melted at last. I love the snowman pic of him, roomie and Henrietta.

Yesterday the due date came and went with little fanfare.I have been staying busy each day trying to keep my body moving. I see the OB this Thursday for another check but other than that I am just trying to get things done. I will update when anything changes.

39 weeks 3 days...

2009-04-16T20:06:00.000-03:00

I saw the OB today, had my first internal and then met with staff at the hospital and had an NST.
All was fine, as expected not much happening. The baby is low but just low nothing more, and my cervix is soft but no dilation. I go back in a week and in 2 weeks if nothing has started we will discuss options. I am not one to rush things, I believe that 40 weeks is an average meaning just as many babies come later as earlier. I hope to go into labor on my own but am pretty zen about everything right now. I have things in place for all possible outcomes. I have met with and made plans for most options and will try and remain open as I get closer.

I got what felt like a baby shower in a package from the amazing and wonderful Eden today. There was a gift for Bliss, for me, and for Soul. I was so touched I cried. Bliss has been expressing his amazement at "having friends all the way in Africa, I mean Australia" and thinks it is so wonderful. Roomie tried to tell me not to open the Soul gift until the birth and I snapped at her that showers happen before birth. Damn hormones, lol.

Our house is coming along, I got the first baby clothes and cloth diapers out to wash this week, the living room is painted and pretty much done, and the plumber and electrician have been by to do the lil things that were needed. i have to set my alter up this week and even if nothing else gets done that will be enough.

We got a LOT of snow over Easter and the following day, like 50cm almost. It was beautiful and crazy. Bliss made his first mini snowman with his aunt on the deck and I took pics when he surprised me with it. Then he crushed it with his head later. Too fun!!

The Easter bunny hid most eggs outside before the snow so many are still out there under it all. The bunny was smart and hid some inside too so all was not lost.

I have a lot of emotions mixed up and jumbled about this baby right now. They have always been there but are surfacing more as time nears. This baby is so wanted, desired, loved and needed. I still have the irrational fears come up though about how I will ever love anything or anyone as much as I love Bliss. Intellectually I know better but it still comes up sometimes. I think coming from a home that played such severe favorites games has added to my irrationality but when I find my center the fear leaves.

I also worry about gender in that I worry what Bliss will want. I have absolutely no care which but Bliss today mentioned being outnumbered and needing a brother. He hasn't mentioned that in many many many months but it is back. I told him I hope he got what he wanted but knew we would love the baby no matter what it was. He agreed but I still worry a tiny bit at times.

My hands go dead all day and night now and it is still annoying but expected. I am still throwing up every few days but I am dealing ok with that too. I lost another pound since last week but am healthy with great blood pressure.

So now I continue to unpack, and wait to the arrival.

I am still barely online and feel awful for how little I can comment right now but I know it isn't forever.

Much love to all!!!

as promised...

2009-04-10T20:28:00.000-03:00

I want to begin by saying I spent 4 hours, YES 4 FUCKING HOURS uploading these pictures. And I didn't finish, I spent another hour and a half this morning. Have I mentioned I now have dial up? Truly the only thing I just cannot adjust to.

So here we are on the back deck in all my huge glory. The strange thing is I am just not as big outward as I was with Bliss. I think I am carrying way wider though and I AM huge.

This is Bliss trying to get baked again as he is a booty boy whenever possible!! Now he can as much as he wants which I love for him!!!

I wish I could explain how huge my boobs are, but they really are bigger than his head.

This was us taking out first nature walk on our property, dogs, Bliss, roomie and me bringing up the rear. The snow only melted about a week ago so we see we have a small ATV trail to walk. Bliss has a walking stick he immediately found, so cute. The dogs are also there, they suddenly think they are wild animals and refuse to listen to anything we say when outside, it is unnerving.

He is so precious and kisses the belly often, I love watching it move but he is pretty over it, although he asks it to come in 2 days often, but I do not see birth happening before the due date AT ALL!!

Probably a week or more late as usual but I am not concerned, there is still so much to do.

This is one of our ponds on the property, it supposedly will have lots of trout or does already, it is beautiful and Bliss loves it. He cannot believe it is in our "yard" and so much nature right here, he says now we never need to leave. My thoughts exactly.

My only real complaints right now, besides dial up Internet, has been finally having hip and joint pain. I have been lucky until now but having the 2 story house is also harder on me with the pain.

I am still throwing up on occasion but the last 2 days have been pretty good. It is nice to finally have my kitchen stuff out and available to cook with.

It still amazes me I have lost 25 pounds so far this pregnancy, especially when I see these pictures.

This is another shot of the one pond, the other pond is next to it but I didn't get a good shot. There is a huge rock across the other side I think we will have to explore fishing off of, and there is a bench on the banks.

Tomorrow is Easter (we do a more Solstice type celebration) and we are expecting a very late season snow storm to bring quite a bit of snow. I love it and think it will be a hoot. We will spend the morning with Bliss hunting for eggs and candy and have a nice breakfast and then I will cook a feast and spend the day by the fireplace playing with Bliss. Things are slowly getting more normal and a bit less chaotic. I am sure as soon as they really quiet down the baby will be here with all new chaos to enjoy and cherish.

Happy Holiday to All!!!

quick update...

2009-04-04T16:56:00.000-03:00

We are in the house. It truly has been hell.

My wonderful, amazing memory foam bed was somehow soaked. I am not even going to begin to try and figure out whose fault this was but it devastated me beyond what I can explain.
I did not get to sleep in my bed the night we moved, or the next night. Finally after the most recent movers flaked for 2 days I hired some local high school boys to move it into the house.

Last night was my first night in my bed. My level of physical pain from overdoing it and moving and unpacking was such that I took one vicodin in order to even bear laying down as Tylenol was a joke. Needless to say I did sleep well.

I have so missed this bed.

We are still trying to unpack, it will take a very long time. Today we finally got a cord of wood delivered as the previous owners tenant did not leave beyond 6 pieces of wood which was not supposed to happen. We have a wood furnace and wood stove fireplace so this was necessary.

Fortunately it has been very warm so we have been fine with the baseboard heat around the house and the weather.

The creek in the backyard is in full flood mode (nowhere near the house and not a bad thing) with the snow melt so we only hear a rushing river sound off the back deck. It is truly beautiful.

We got a lot unpacked in the kitchen today, I am trying not to overdo but I also only have 2+ weeks left and I have to get stuff organized before I am spending every moment breast feeding and gazing.

The dial-up internet is worse than even I imagined it would be. I also just learned my Mac has no phone modem so I have to go pick one up for it, right now I am using Bliss' laptop (my old PC) until I sort that out. It feels awful to be so unconnected but we really do have so much to do it is not the priority right now. I DO hope to gawd I get high speed soooooooon but who knows.

I am ok physically beyond the pain of unpacking although my hands feel still and my knees and feet hurt. They do not look swollen but feel like it. I am also having hip pain but to be honest I am so shocked it has not happened up until now that I am not complaining.

I had to cancel the OB this week because of the move but I see him Monday.

Hopefully I will be back on here in the next few days with more news and a pic of me Bliss and my belly.

Much love to all.

posting...

2009-03-31T12:03:00.001-03:00

If all goes well we will be moving into our new home tomorrow.

YAY!!!

I have been too stressed about a lot that happened with the closing to write about it but it seems to be going through in time now.

Once there I will only have........wait for it.............dial up.

I know I know it is terrifying for me, but apparently there will be high speed where we live soon, hopefully within 6 months or less. I REALLY hope less.

In the meantime I will see how it is but it may take a few days before I can get it set up.

I am thinking, however, that tomorrow night I may get to actually sleep in my bed for the first time since January. OMFG I cannot wait!!!!!!

I am 37weeks and 1day today in case anyone is wondering. Maybe I will put a ticker up soon. Heh, I crack me up.

Anyhow I have packing to do, luckily not much, and a nap to try and take.

Oh and two more possibilities for middle names. Soul Echo, Soul Journey but I am still leaving it mostly up to Bliss and feelings when the baby comes.

Much love to all and thank you so much for the great support in the previous post. I really am ok, it was late night emotions that came up strong and writing them let them pass easier. There is no contact for those who do not know, I was disowned with lawyers and everything over a decade ago. I grew up with a man who believed, among other things, in euthanasia for all homosexuals. Good times!!

Anyhow I am ok, I just know there isn't nothing there and sometimes it finds me and I am confused.

BUT...........

enough of that I am soooo excited about moving into our home.

what to do with it...

2009-03-26T22:50:00.000-03:00

What do you do with it.
You get raised by weak people who abuse you and teach you how terribly you deserve to be treated.
You grow up fucked up and abusing yourself when you don't find someone else to do it for you.
You get better and then worse and then better and then worse until finally, after many years, you heal bit by bit and get better, get a life of your own.
You grow and find direction, find yourself, but still try to live with them and find a way.
Then they get to know the real you, or hear about it and you get disowned.
You spin again, along with finding you you make some huge regressions thinking you are back at square one.
But you aren't.
You have some big bumps ahead but the path you are on is headed the right way.
You stray away but seem to find your way back a tiny bit easier now.
You do it as an orphan the whole time but you do it.
You hold on to anger at times, you hold grief closely at others.
Always aware of the abandonment, always tinted a little by it.
You grow more and more, you begin your own family, not sure you think you deserve it but you go for it.
You go through devastation and sink low but you come back and are soooo very lucky and blessed.
You know unconditional love for the first time ever flowing both ways.
You feel their absence at time early on that aches deeply.
Then you have revelations and you get angry.
You stop excusing their weakness and re-parent your own little child within.
You love yourself in new beautiful ways.
You love opposite as they did.
You cherish, you nurture, you do not abuse, anyone, nor let anyone abuse you, even yourself anymore.
You grow, you flourish in so many ways, you feel glimpses of content more and more.
Then the acute awareness of your orphanhood hits you and you know you must not leave your gift that world.
So you begin to try for another gift, to be lucky again.
Then it doesn't happen and their is more loss.
And more loss.
And you question yourself and live in anticipated moments not really living for so long.
But you don't think of them much, just in what you want to leave for your own gift.
Just of the love you feel and want to give and teach.
And finally after a very long and very hard road you get lucky again and you begin living again.
And breathing again at last.
But what do you do with the feelings towards them?
I do not forgive, they had no excuse.
But can I say their is no feelings there?
No I cannot.
So what to do with those complicated, not too pretty feelings?
I do not notice them often but they are there, and sometimes, like long nights after even longer days they almost choke me for a few moments.
Rage, grief, fear, hate, love, sadness, loss, pity, disgust, resentment, wistfulness, pain.
They are melded into one amalgam of sensation I do not no what to do with.

Do you?

the mother of the genius...

2009-03-26T01:31:00.001-03:00

So it is 1:30 in the morning and I am awake with far too many thoughts which I am sure I will write about in future days but the latest thoughts have turned to the entry two posts ago about Bliss' realization at our strange idioms.

Here is my new thought. We say "I like that don't I?" which we already decided makes no sense, but we also say "I don't like that do I?" That makes no sense either!!!!! But there has to be something to the negative positive and the positive negative, but really it IS past 1:30 in the morning and I am not going there.

Night night.

middle names...

2009-03-22T20:10:00.000-03:00

So I am very particular about names for my child/ren.

I know the first name years prior. The middle name usually not until right before birth.

I do not like gender specific names at all.

I really care about the meaning of the names.

Bliss Om is about the creation of Bliss. It fit and fits perfectly.

Soul is the name of this baby.

I have been really discussing middle names with Bliss lately because I like the idea of him having input.

He said he may like the idea of sharing a middle name with the baby which I like but we decided we are not sure.

So I am writing what we are thinking of down, but let me be clear, I am not needing opinions, I am VERY comfortable with my choices and am writing this more for the record and the enjoyment of being able to later look at how this came to pass. Plus I thought I would share it with the blog world.

Soul Om (which would be the sharing which may be really adorable)
Soul Breath
Soul Zen
Soul Light (sadly this CANNOT be used due to our last name)
Soul Peace

And yes they are all crunchy, I would not have it any other way.

Anyhow thought I would share.

out of the mouth of a genius...

2009-03-18T19:21:00.000-03:00

"Mama I like pineapple don't I?"

"Yes you do honey."

"Mama why do we say 'don't I'?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do we say 'don't I' instead of saying like 'I like pineapple, I do'?"

"Hmmm hun, that is a really good question and I am not sure, it doesn't make as much sense does it?"

(He went on to further esplain how it does not make sense to say 'don't I' when he is actually asking if he does or asking if I know he does, and why use 'don't' when he is asking if he does...genius I tell ya)

blahhhhhhh...

2009-03-12T18:48:00.001-03:00

I have not been updating lately and i should be but I am just in limbo hell and never do well with that. If you don't believe me do a search for that word on my blog...it is never fun for me.

Anyhow we made an offer on a home and it was accepted. We are paying more than i want but we bought all 6.5 acres(it was listed for just 3) and in the long run it will be really great. I know this.

But.

It has a tenant and so they will not close until April 30th. I am due the 20th although I do not put much stock in due dates. Bliss went 42 weeks and was forced out. But conditions have already been met and all has gone through and now it is a waiting game. The tenant could move out in a week, or not until July. There are very real legal issues with him and the current owners that make either time line a distinct possibility and there is really nothing we can do to help it along. I know that may seem strange since we have an April 30th closing but that is the facts and now we just wait. He is a nice man but frustrated at the owners because he was under the impression the house was being taken off the market.

But now there is nothing to do really. We cannot afford to be spending money, we do not have our stuff except bare bare minimum things. We have no idea what is happening on the moving situation and I am frustrated.

The rental we are in is expensive and we also have to pay a ton for storage which we really do not want to continue to pay. The bed is a hotel queen, so a small queen or a big full which is not ok for Bliss and I AND the new baby. I co-sleep. My choice, and something I STRONGLY believe in, and I am not sure how things will work at all if I am not out of here before I give birth. Our wonderful bed is still unreachable in storage and would cost a lot to have brought here to the rental.

I also feel like crap most of the time. I did get to a doctor's appt which got me a referral to an OB. The doc listened on her doppler and all was declared fine. She did nothing I can't do though so no news there. My fundus is measuring about 4 weeks ahead but it always was, the baby still seems small to me which is very strange and I look forward to getting some more info on that. The baby moves often though so that has been comforting.

I still throw up once or twice a week, tried a new med which has not done really anything. It seems I either spend a day sick and do not throw up or spend a day throwing up but feel better after.

I know things will work out but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am getting so crabby this week and I do not want my last few precious weeks with Bliss as just a twosome to be filled with crabby miserable mama so I am frustrated. The stress is also keeping me up at night. I expect that since my body has to gear up for waking all night soon enough but I am just yuck.

That is why I haven't been posting much.

It HAS been beautiful here, there is a ton of neat stuff I could say or show on the new place and Nova Scotia stuff, but I just want to be in our house first.

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it out to hopefully feel better.

dirt update...

2009-03-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

BENIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tubular Adenoma of the Mammary is all it was. Pathologist said it was the most harmless mammary tumor he has seen.

WAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

show and tell for melissa...

2009-03-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

I finally downloaded pictures from the trip across and came across this I had taken in line at a Wal*Mart in Ontario. I took it with Mel in mind, I thought she would appreciate it. Especially if you remember THIS post of hers.

I got quite a few strange stares in line as I took it and Bliss asked me very pointedly why I was taking a picture of those. I explained it was for Melissa for Show and Tell and that seems to satisfy him.

update on dirt... (updated)

2009-02-27T09:59:00.000-04:00

Dirt is ok, her surgery only took 12 minutes and they got great margins. We will not know the pathology for a week and in the meantime I had to go grab a onesie from storage so she won't lick or scratch her stitches. She has 5 stitches by the way, she gets them out next Wednesday.

She lost her nipple but she is really doing well and was very feisty this morning.

Both dogs are also doing great with the booties and with running out to potty in the snow now.

I am in hell with house hunting still and really not writing much and feeling pressured to find something. It will work out but I may not be as expressive as usual for a bit.

UPDATE: BTW the onesie was the vet's suggestion and it works brilliantly. Funny tidbit though, I grabbed the smallest one I own, and it is one that never even fit Bliss at birth because he was so big (10lb 1oz).

more stuff...

2009-02-22T19:01:00.000-04:00

I almost forgot. Potato chips, same brand even.....it is soo strange. I do not eat them often but especially pregnant, even though I like salty while pregnant, because they always repeat on me. They have an after taste and a repeating thing.

In Canada.....they have never done either, at all. Even roomie mentioned how different they are. More potato taste and natural seeming. SO strange.

Also I have lost 4 pounds since we left the US, that is back in the negative numbers for the entire pregnancy. So weird but all is ok.

We got the storage redistributed today. The amount of stuff more we saw broken was just beyond comprehension. A vacuum cleaner literally broken in half, a cast iron bench with the iron legs broken, a tower heater with the entire casing shattered. Every corner shelf from the organizer closet unit broken (that's 5 shelves), our Ikea shelving units with shattered cubby shelves and bins. Our Rubbermaid bins broken in pieces with entire tops off and shattered.

It is sooo shocking. We are still trying to file our complaint with the company but they seem to never return calls.

I did get to some needed things though and now my printer is hooked up as is Bliss' computer so homeschooling can resume. I also got some TVs so roomie and I can relax watching when needed. I also finally organized the stuff in Bliss and my room and put stuff away so we got a lot done today and we feel much more normal.

Tomorrow we are looking at more property but it is far away so it will be a long driving day. Then a day to pamper Dirt before her surgery.

news on dirt...

2009-02-20T17:03:00.000-04:00

I just got the call from the Vet. They found epithelial neoplasia cells in the slides from Dirt's lump.They can be adenoma (benign tumor in origin) or adenocarcenoma (malignant) but in cases of these findings they always recommend immediate lumpectomies. When I had thyroid cancer I had papillary and adenocarcenoma. The latter is a fast growing kind and with how fast this lump appeared under her nipple I fear it may likely be that.

The vets feel it was caught extremely early and we will have the mass sent out to get 100% confirmation of exactly what is in it but it all makes me sad. She is my baby, she has been through so much with me. She feels fine this is way to early to cause any physical ailments but it still makes me weep.

Surgery is scheduled for this upcoming Wednesday. We are lucky in that the vet hospital is near.

tidbits...

2009-02-20T13:13:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

I am still trying to sort out the storage situation and condition of much stuff.

We went looking at places yesterday, nothing yet but a possible possibility. We are seeing another place Monday and some others next week. I am trying not to get overwhelmed. My head has been a bit noisy lately but I am trying to shut it up and remain calm.

I am apparently becoming a cliche with the throwing up in the morning now and needing dill pickles to feel even remotely not queasy.

I have apparently stopped biting my nails, which is VERY strange. I have always bitten them. What is most strange to me is since I went off the pre-natal vitamin my nails are suddenly thicker than they have ever been and strong.

WHY? How is that possible?? The logical scientist mind in me is stumped and confused. I though third trimester is when the baby sucks the most calcium from me. Plus I am not eating much dairy. I have actually worried about my calcium intake (doc said stopping pre-natal was ok with the vomiting thing) and now I have strong thick, growing nails????

Some differences I have noticed here. Special K is not like in the states at all, it is like rice krispies more so.

Corn Pops are VERY different (not that I would eat them now) but I always liked them as a kid and here they are round and hard seeming. Bliss and roomie still like them, roomie says they are like when she was a kid.

It is hard to find sourdough bread, especially any SF sourdough.

Fast food is sooo much better made here it is shocking, soooo much less additive crap.

So nice not to have corn syrup in everything and be able to buy CS free bread easily.

At the store meats are sold by weight per Kg but specials are written on the little signs as weight per Lb. Gets confusing.

Milk is expensive. (another reason we need a cow)

Tortilla's are strange but we were in California which was heaven for good ones.

Great veggies and fruit and really reasonable prices which has shocked me.

Lots of snow, still barely wearing a jacket and loving it. Yesterday I got to drive an hour in a blizzard.

Baby moving a lot which makes me happy. Have taken 2 naps in the last week which were needed. I am finally to that must rest stage.

That's all for now.

beyond my current coping skills...

2009-02-17T16:31:00.000-04:00

So I finally got to the storage place today to check on the stuff and see about grabbing a couple of things.
They only got it all there on Sunday.
My stuff is crammed into 3 16 foot units even though I asked for a 24 and was told he would likely use a 32 foot unit. I would rather have paid for a 24 AND a 32 and been able to see anything.
I cannot get to anything.
All the stuff that was so carefully packed so I could get to it upon arrival is lost to me.
All baby newborn necessity stuff is unreachable.
On top of all of this my stuff, our stuff, is trashed. There is a rip in my couch chair, the carpet cleaner is broken, the little ride on train for the baby is in pieces.
I am beyond devastated.
I of course call the second movers to register my alarm and complaint to see about filing a claim.
What am I told??
I am told that it was likely customs searching stuff that did it.
This is total bullshit, I know this but that is what they are saying.
And of course I have to handle ALL of this, me, the pregnant one, because I always do.
But right now I do not want to.
I am angry and pissed and upset and want to scream.
I see boxes back in the units, marked all over with huge FRAGILE letter half caved in on sides.
Until it is all unpacked I will not even know the extent of the damage.
I paid sooooooooooo fucking much money to have this all moved and I paid as much to the asshat second movers to move 700 miles as I did to the first to get it from California to Quebec City.
This is ALL the problem of the second movers.
I am gutted.

tired...

2009-02-14T07:51:00.000-04:00

We are here. In Nova Scotia. In the rental.
We got here Thursday afternoon.
I now have internet.
We are exhausted. Two weeks on the road has done me in pretty much.
The weather has been rain and snow prior to our arrival, rain the day we drove in so there is a LOT of ice.
I have taken one bad fall, on my butt, and have the scrape and bruise to prove it.
Roomie has taken two spills.
There was no salt or sand in town until yesterday which was frustrating.
I got show spikes finally and sand finally.
Happy Valentine's Day to all.
Mama dog, the lil one in the movie named Dirt has a sudden lump under one nipple I need to get checked ASAP.
I am ok but really really tires and sore and just ugh.
I am trying to recoup this weekend and then start the house search next week.
Things will likely be pretty sparse for a time here.
Baby seems fine, moving around daily.
I will be getting a doc or midwife soon.
I have 250 feeds to read in my RSS feed reader. I will try to get to them but who knows.
Love to all.

trying something new...

2009-02-08T18:51:00.000-04:00

The girls trying snow booties for the first time on snow covered ground.
Roomie is briefly in movie, excuse my awful voice.

oh canada...

2009-02-06T19:59:00.000-04:00

We made it to Canada. We stayed in Michigan last night and came across the border today.

The immigration part took like 2 minutes. The customs part took almost and hour and a half but it was mainly because I do not have an address here yet and the place we are renting short term I do not have the address of yet and the phone number I did not have but on email.

I finally got the number and left a message and then they, THANKFULLY, called back quick and all was good.

Next was the fact that we bought our van at such a good price and their value book showed it was more and then one of the agents was telling me we had to have it over 6 months or take a huge hit. But I had called about this prior along with everything else regarding the car so the woman helping us went to check and beyond the import fee ($240) we owed not one other cent. WAHOOOO!!!

So we are just outside Toronto and exhausted. The shippers have been delayed so we will be taking our sweet time to get to Quebec city and will likely not be to Nova Scotia until the middle of next week.

We are all beyond tired of being in the car. The poor dogs are dealing with trying to sniff a place to poop in the snow along with one getting car sick today in the Toronto traffic. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

More soon.

com-plain-ing...

2009-02-02T23:26:00.000-04:00

OK this is the corniest title ever. I am in the plains in Nebraska tonight. We are fine, just tired and I am cranky. We limited today's driving to under 5 hours only to run into Central Standard Time and have the clock jump ahead a fucking hour so it never felt like we got to relax more.

ugh

We have been having bad fast food karma as in we stop at an Arby's so I can get a sandwich that is somewhat healthy with some non-sweetened iced tea and they take over 35 minutes to get our food for us and then they mess up Bliss' order. Then we stop at a place for roomie the next day since I had half a sandwich left and that place, with no one there even takes 20 minutes to get her plain cheeseburger for her.

I am eating pretty well but am not hungry much. This morning I dry heaved for a long time again which is just so old.

Bliss is doing well, I get on his case at times, but truly it is 99% my own crap as usual. We went swimming tonight at this hotel and it was nice, just the 2 of us in the pool. Right now he is playing with my foot as I type and he is SUPPOSED to be asleep but I am not getting on him. This is such a hard thing, this driving across the entire continent.

I am limiting driving to 5 hours actual drive time because with stops it is always 7 and we have to do no more than that, it is too hard. I have been able to not drive twice and take short naps but once awake again I start getting woozy not driving so I get back in front. I am sore but ok.

It seems no matter what we planned with regards to driving we would hit Quebec City too late to clear the moving truck until the following Monday which had helped me in deciding on the less hours driving rule. So this trip is taking far longer than expected. We will not be in Nova Scotia until around thew 10th or 11th but I have had to let go and just go with it

The baby seemed not to move yesterday and last night I got out the doppler (thanks AGAIN Rose) and got scared for a few but then found it. I swear if this child makes it through the teenage years without me ranting about all I went through while pregnant it will truly be a miracle.

The dogs are ok but after packing the van so carefully and having the entire back bench seat for them, they are spending all their time on the floor at our feet all squished. It is rough on them (and YES I considered saying "ruff" on them but didn't so there).

The weather thus far has been clear and sunny and barely any snow even on the ground. We have been lucky even though Bliss is dying for snow so much that he is making parking lot snow balls and trying to eat them (I quickly halted him on that). The static electricity has been making him and the dogs nuts so I have taken to spraying them all with my no static mix at every opportunity.

So that is all for now. I need to go get the clothes out of the hotel dryer and try to get to sleep. I miss my memory foam bed a TON!!!

.

made it on the road...

2009-01-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

but not very far.

We didn't even get out of there until after 3 after I had to do paperwork I thought didn't need doing for a few more days, then to get lunch at 3 to take on the road that was NOT fast food and then we finally were going.

We made it to Reno, and it is so sad if you knew how close Reno is to Sacramento (132 miles) but by the time we got here it was 6pm and that was it for the day. At least we are on our way.

More tomorrow.

p.s. without my RSS reader I have on my mac I will likely not get to too many blogs to comment for a big, I apologize in advance. I have email, even my mac mail but not the RSS feed.

headache...

2009-01-29T18:40:00.000-04:00

So have I mentioned I have been waking up in the middle of the night for over a week terrified about our stuff not fitting in the moving truck.

Well our packers assured me it all would.

Until today.

Yes we were supposed to leave today and they arrived and then said they didn't think it would all fit. So after a lot of crying and freaking out I had to order another truck to come and pay for 5 extra feet in that truck so we can fit our stuff.

At a cost of $1300 extra.

Yay!

And then we find out they cannot seem to deliver the new truck until late today so now we are pushed back another night. We do have my bed and computer, no other beds and they packed the air mattress even though I asked them not to so roomie is on the floor in a sleeping bag tonight. We have no fridge either but do have TV so it is not the end of the world but still SUCKS!!!!

So tomorrow we leave, and I so need a drink, but will settle on iced tea with lemon.

tomorrow... (UPDATED)

2009-01-27T18:18:00.000-04:00

We leave tomorrow. I am beyond exhausted and ready to cry but still trying to push through.
I woke up yesterday and threw up bile for about 5 minutes which was awful.
Today I cannot stop sneezing and truly do not know if it is dust from packing or a cold coming on.

I am scared and sad and happy and excited all mixed together.

I will have a computer on the road but will not have my RSS feed and will likely not get to comment as much.

Back to last minute packing and laundry.

UPDATE:

I can't do it, I am taking tomorrow as a rest day and leaving Thursday.

It is after 6 pm and we are just finished with packing the house but I need to figure out the van and clothing better. I really need a day of rest too so we will take tomorrow as a lazy day just figuring out the van and resting all day and then leave the next day.

I think it is a better plan even if the shipping company charges us $50 extra.

neverending packing...

2009-01-23T23:42:00.001-04:00

I am in packing hell. Half the house is in the semi out front but there is still so very much to do. I have been ranting on Twit and FB at how awful it is but today I am relatively ok. I pushed back leaving day to Tues. or Wed. and told myself to not push it.

I own too much stuff, that is one of the main problems. Some of it I understand. Baby stuff and toys I and Bliss always took good care of make sense to keep but my need to keep 200 pairs of shoes when I only wear like 3 different in any given season is ridiculous but I can't seem to let go.

I have been trying to cull and cull out so much. I have given away much, sold a few big things and tried to keep letting stuff go. It is hard when neighbors keep stopping by to ask if I am taking this or that and oh can they have that, that and that for free? None of the ones who ask have ever offered to help in any way and it is hitting my hormonal self at times pretty wickedly.

I also am aware of Bliss AND the dogs showing signs of how hard this transition will be. They are all doing great but it shows and I worry. Especially adding a new baby so soon and being in snow. We will all do fine but I try and take time out to rest for the pregnancy and take time to really focus on Bliss to make sure he is ok. All that makes packing slow and unfortunately most stuff only I can pack since I am the one who knows what to keep or get rid of.

UGH

The good news is that baby is getting more and more active, or I am feeling it more and more. Also today was my last OB appointment here and may I just say I passed the 3 hour glucose test last week WITH FLYING COLORS!!! I swear I was borderline last time from the Metformin I was just going off of, it truly messed with my system. this time I was way way below borders and doc was happy and surprised.

I did find out my weight for the first time today but cannot discuss that yet. I lost since last time so overall I am up 1 pound from the very start which is good but I had no idea what I had started at so it was pretty hard. It is nothing I can work on now so I just have to force myself not to focus on it but let's just say there were lots of tears at the docs.

Off to take a bath and read my current book and then tomorrow ...more packing.

show and tell for neenie...

2009-01-19T01:03:00.000-04:00

my altar, originally uploaded by MamaBleu.

Neenie asked about my altar so I thought I would share. I will be packing it in a few days so it is also nice to have a picture before that. It is currently on top of one of my dressers, I would love it somewhere else, where it was sitting/meditating height but there was no room here and when Bliss was a baby down low was not an option.

If you click it you will see a highly notated version explaining what is on it at Flicker. It is my first notated picture so bear with me.

Click here to see more of Show and Tell that Mel puts together each week.

wishing otherwise...

2009-01-17T03:29:00.000-04:00

for so many having a child brings them closer to their parents, or their mothers

for so many they finally realize how much they were loved by their own parents, something they could never really know until they had their own child

for so many they finally understand how hard it is and was to raise a child

for me it made me learn how loved I wasn't and what total cop-outs my parent's were, taking the easy/abusive road in their parenting

sometimes it makes me cry, a lot

(I am well aware I am currently sick and hormonal but these were my thoughts last night and while melancholy, still true)

third...

2009-01-16T22:08:00.000-04:00

By gestation today is the first day of the third trimester.

I had my (hopefully) last 3 hour Glucose Tolerance Test today. It is not healthy to put pregnant women through that, seriously.

I am back to throwing up again, 2 days ago it was so hard I broke blood vessels all around my eyes and now have red splotches around them.

I kept the yucky drink down this morning which was a feat.

Getting lots done but still have so much more to do.

Still have not nailed down a rental for when we get there. Ha!! This makes me laugh actually. I know we will though soon.

Still using the doppler when I get worried. (Thank you Rose!)

Smells are making me nuts more than ever.

I got a big U pillow, very very wonderful.

Taking Bliss to one last dental check up before leaving next week. Very stressful for me and him but better go a little early here and not need to go for 6 months up there.

Back to resting, still feel like utter crap from test this AM.

stuff...

2009-01-11T17:05:00.001-04:00

So I never got around to posting any x-mas morning pics because until yesterday I had not unloaded the pictures off my camera. Been busy ya know. So here is a perfect one to showcase the theme of the year.

(not the light saber in the foreground, it makes sounds)

Today I hit double digits and have 99 days until due date. It sneaks up on you, that is for sure.

I also am still packing stuff but feel much better that we have packers. I am mostly just trying to pack stuff I don't want them packing like my alter and whatnot's.

I had to thaw and dehydrate my placenta today. Yes I am sure many of you think it is strange but I cannot take a fresh or frozen one across so dehydrating is the only choice. It does not smell bad at all and I am one of those crazy mama's who thinks it is awesome to take a bite after delivery or use it for PPD afterward (I was not able because of the hospital but I did get it before leaving the hospital). So even though I am that way and the smell is not bad, even according to the rest in the house, it has been making me gag which is annoying.

Besides that I have slowed on the vomiting which is good. I am hoping I am just getting used to things and it will zero out in the next week or so, it takes a lot out of me.

So today is try to sell the second car and hot tub day and not much fun but I am fielding lots of emails and trying to stay on it.

That's all for now I guess.

oh yeah, and....

2009-01-09T12:44:00.000-04:00

I completely forgot to mention the other thing. The OB last week had told me it is time to stop the Dexamethasone. I was on it for the IVF you might recall but had requested it for 90 days because of my thyroid antibodies. When I went off it I began throwing up and after trying Reglan and Zofran to no help AT ALL they had me go back on and all was well.

So I need to go off it because I am having another glucose tolerance test this month at the usual time for it and the Dex can affect the results, plus my adrenals can get used to the dex which can cause problems later. So I went off it and what do ya know, 48 hours later I started getting queasy and a day after that I began throwing up. The following day I didn't but then yesterday it was 3 times before 10am.

I am still trying to manage it and am back to dinner for breakfast but it is NOT fun and also part of the reason along with others we hired packers.

So hopefully it will not get worse and only better but that is the other tidbit.

To end on a good note though, in the bath the night before last, while I lay reading the latest Isabel Allende book I saw my belly move from the outside. It was a nice moment. It was slight, but it moved.

spinning...

2009-01-08T20:13:00.000-04:00

So I had my repeat u/s anatomy scan on Tuesday. All went well unless you consider the doctor who was not only silent and told me "I cannot give you a play by play" when I asked what she was looking at after the tech had already spent a half hour on the scan but also wore a ton of perfume. So much so I started to get faint and have trouble breathing. She asked me if I was ok twice and then said she could get a cold cloth and I told her her perfume was way too strong.

All was ok she finally said she was just still having trouble seeing everything she wanted clearly. I was told all was well and checked save facial stuff because said baby is face down and uncooperative. Then they gave me three pictures that were so awful. A blurry foot, a skeletal looking face, again, and a leg bone. I was talking with doc and wiping off gel and saw this pic on the screen and asked if I could have it. It actually looks like a baby which no others even came close to doing. She said no she didn't know ho wand when my jaw dropped she said she would "try." Well in 3 clicks she did it and then ripped the paper and cut off over an inch on top, not that I needed it buy my gawd could she have been a bigger twit???

The last thing that happened there, which was when the tech first took me back was a bit irritating. She got me in the room and said "now you don't want to know the sex of the baby is that correct?" I said yes and then she says"well so you know I call all babies 'him' because I don't like to call a baby 'it.'" I said ok but here is the thing, she never said that at the first visit, when she didn't already know, plus she has never used those kinds of pronouns and didn't this visit either. She always ways "your baby" this or that. So part of me thinks she says that with the correct pronoun just to cover her ass which just irritates the hell out of me. I do NOT want to know. I didn't want anyone else for this very reason. I do not want to be dissecting her words or anything. I truly truly do not care what sex the baby is, I could not even pick if I was given the choice but I really resent her way of handling that because now I have a niggle in my brain I do not need.

OK done with the u/s stuff now on to the next.

I hired a company to come pack, or two men from a company one owns. They are amazing and it is a HUGE stress off of us. We had an yucky argument yesterday and it just was too much to try and do on our own. All of this also means we now have a leaving date. We are leaving the 26th of this month. That is 18 days from now people. AAAACCCCKKKK Cue to me freaking out a bit. I paid for the storage unit in Nova Scotia, I have almost all the shipping issues covered, I have a list, or like 5 lists of what has to happen before we leave.

We have pretty much settled on Nova Scotia now, I finally got some clarity on needing to be where I could have an easier time finding crunchies like myself and also have a chance of having a midwife for the birth.

Now we still have yet to find the rental we will be moving into but have feelers out and are pretty confident that will come together in the next two weeks. So yes it is happening, just like I knew it would but it is still pretty scary. We will take our time driving but try to do it in a week. My head is spinning and I know the next 2-3 months will be rough but the dream is finally happening so that is good.

If, and it is a BIG IF, we can find a place to buy before the baby comes I will be very very thrilled but I know it may not happen. I just really hope I can help Bliss through all these numerous transitions without it being too rough on him. Also the same for the dogs but I promise, Dirt will be PISSED at me for a while. Snow indeed!

OK so that is what's up.

celebratory day...

2009-01-05T12:36:00.001-04:00

Dirt Dah Der.

My Dirt.

Today she is 10. She has saved my life literally and figuratively many times these past 10 years. She has been there through very thick and very thin. She healed so much and loved me when I was not even remotely capable of loving myself. She gave me strength and purpose and comfort.

She also happens to share a birthday with roomie which made me realize, at the time, that roomie was family. They shared a kindred spirit from the start.

Today roomie gets lots of presents and flowers and Dirt gets yummy treats.

I am thankful for both.

moving on... (updated)

2009-01-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

I had an OB appointment yesterday. I had gained 6 pounds, my first gain so far which brings me up 3 pounds in total so far. I have decided no more bagels for breakfast. I am not stressed but think 6 is likely about 2-3 of bagel and 3-4 other. The doc said she agreed, that I would eventually be gaining but the 6 was likely the Holidays. Since I did not eat a bunch of cookies or anything the bagels, which have always been a downfall of mine since I slather them with both butter and cream cheese, are a likely source.

Breakfast had been so difficult for so long that being able to eat a bagel was pretty much a luxury. I shall now try cream of wheat with blueberries.

I measured 26 weeks (I was 24 weeks 4 days yesterday) and the heartbeat was 156. She ordered another glucose test which I knew she was planning this month and we went over a few things but all was good.

I am at that stage where often I will have to go pee and the pressure will build fast and I will get to a bathroom only to go approximately an eighth of a cup. So NOT satisfying!!! It isn't every time but often enough to be irritating.

I still do not feel pregnant to myself in many ways, I wish I could explain it but part of me feels like I will be uncovered as a fraud at any moment. I am still feeling the baby, since x-mas and it is HUGELY reassuring, but even with that, and the waddle, and the back ache, and the pressure, I still feel like I can't be pregnant.

I think part of it is the whole getting what I so desperately wanted after sooooo long (3 years of trying) and not really believing it in some sense. After I had Bliss I couldn't believe I was a mama. I would pinch my arms a lot, I had bruises for the first 6 months of his life up and down my arms from doing it but I just could not believe I got my biggest wildest most important dream come true. I think this is like that, and while I have not begun to pinch myself again (yet) I have this unreality thing going on in my head that is such a trip.

Everyone once and a while I look at roomie and declare "I am pregnant" and she just looks at me blankly with this "what is your problem" look on her face and nods and says "yes you are." Poor woman puts up with a lot but does not get me at all (not that many do).

Anyhow all is well and I am packing most every day. This week we tackle the garage which is my most dreaded part but we will get it done, slowly but surely.

Also I want to just put on here, I am VERY aware people of the weather in Atlantic Canada. I also know snow, have liked in both Chicago and Colorado and picked the climate very purposefully. I am looking forward to it, I have a back up generator already and know shoveling snow will be part of the rest of my life. PLEASE no worries on those fronts.

UPDATE: Mrs. Spock's comment made me think of something I wanted to add. I find it interesting how when people are raised in climates with snow and they yearn to move to Florida or California everyone seems to nod in an understanding way and concur but it doesn't seem to work the opposite way. I was raised in Southern California during the drought. I went years without even seeing rain during my childhood. Living now in Northern California is better but a far cry from what I have yearned for. To me it is the same thing as growing up in New York and wanting to move to Miami but for some reason others don't seem to see it that way.

Just pondering.

starting to smell...

2008-12-31T19:55:00.000-04:00

Warning: Earthy crunchy post about natural body scents, read at your own risk.

My breasts are starting to take on that delicious yeasty smell of breastfeeding again.

I have missed that scent.

I am rather scent oriented and became much more so after giving up antiperspirant when pregnant with Bliss, I still use natural deodorant at times and even natural Lichen ( a natural antiperspirant) at times but I find body scents to be beautiful and so telling.

Don't get me wrong, I like being clean and having clean scents not stench, but the body goes through so many changes in scent in the course of a month, and while pregnant...wow.

So I am enjoying the return of my breasts feeding scent, the one the baby will root into to find nourishment even when asleep. It has a comforting affect on me as well.

inside this head of mine...

2008-12-27T16:48:00.000-04:00

In case anyone wants a glimpse of the scary that is inside my head here is a peek.

I have been tortured for, I am so saddened to realize, almost an entire month of OCD from a post Cali wrote.

I don't do meme's but I have always played Cali's Scattergories games on her site. Her December game asks as it's first question "What is the name of your favorite Holiday themed song?" and then you use that as your letter for the game. But I was unsure and could not figure out a favorite song. Silent Night? No that is soooo overdone, Little Drummer Boy? No, a bit too religious for me, I just liked the "bah rump uh pump puh" as a kid.

So what do I like?

This has honestly been stuck in my craw for almost a month, and not like I think of it occasionally, no, I think about it frickin' daily. UGH!! This brain, I tell ya. I cannot remember I have a grilled cheese on the stove when I bring Bliss his sandwich in the next room and end up burning my own to a black crisp but I cannot forget the Scattergories question I am asked a month ago!!??!!

So after much MUCH MUCH thinking and searching and trying to come up with something I have FINALLY arrived at one of my favorite songs. but I will not say it is my very favorite, because frankly I have no idea.

Anyhow without further ado here it is.

A Carol Of Bells

our day...

2008-12-26T01:18:00.000-04:00

Last night I got everything put out and ready by 9:30. It must be a personal record.
I then relaxed a bit and before bed, as a gift to myself, I took out the doppler and had a listen. While listening I also got to feel a kick which made me smile.

Today, despite going to bed at a good time, I was exhausted. I was also hungry, all day long. This is new so there must be a growth spurt going on.

The baby gave me a gift today and made itself felt NUMEROUS times throughout the day. This is very new and very welcome. It made for added joy to an already great day.

Bliss had a wonderful day and with every gift was thankful and gave kisses and yelled to the roof "THANK YOU SANTA" many many times. He is truly my Bliss.

Tonight, 40 minutes after he was "supposed" to be asleep he says "Mama one more thing?"
"What Bliss?" I replied.
"The Force is real ya know."
"Yes Bliss, I know," I replied, "now go to sleep."

happy holidays...

2008-12-24T16:31:00.001-04:00

my past week...

2008-12-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

Got 2 moving cubes delivered (hoping we don't end up needing more than 4).

Packed some boxes to make room for tree.

Got tree, decorated tree.

Did really lousy job decorating outside house (was banned from going on roof).

Got dogs groomed (I usually do but hey it is x-mas and what the hell).

Took x-mas photo and had it printed into cards (doubt I will get around to mailing any but they are done),(will post photo later on).

Three doc appointments down, 4 to go (getting stuff done before moving, just routine stuff).

Got hitch put on new car.

Got Bliss a snow jacket and pants and boots.

Got dogs snow boots and coats and heated dog bed.

Went on yearly evening drive to view x-mas lights.

Used doppler numerous times to feel better (thank you Rose).

Finished all x-mas shopping and also wrapped 99% of all gifts.

Was exhausted!!

the trip final thoughts...

2008-12-16T19:41:00.000-04:00

Although the trip was really rough it was also great. All three provinces were absolutely beautiful and people were wonderful everywhere we went.

I strive to be creative and in my life but I am a very left brained type. I usually can have my likes and desires but then sit down and make a pro con list and get "rational" or "practical" and come up with solutions. With this one I have not been able to as of yet.

I am drawn mostly to both PEI and Nova Scotia. We will obviously be renting when we move at the end of January no matter what. I am thinking it would be smartest to rent on PEI to see if island living is for us and get a better feel for it. That makes sense mostly.

Here are some things running through my brain though.

I am crunchy. I was not raised as such, and strive to be so each day. I feel like a wannabe hippy often and try so hard to be as earthy as I would like to be. I fall pretty crunchy to most who meet me I think I just have this inner thing from how I was raised.

Anyhow I practice attachment parenting, I co-sleep, extended breast feed, unschool. All these things I am very happy with and do not need outer approval for. I do, however, worry about being the only EBF mom on the Island affecting Bliss' relationships potentially. It is a very progressive place in many ways, very eco friendly etc. but there is an underlying conservatism too that I cannot quite figure out.

I also worry about giving birth there. Ideally I would have a VBAC home birth but I know that may not happen. The option of a midwife, even at the hospital, is very appealing. That would only be possible in Nova Scotia from what I am gathering. (PLEASE correct me if I am wrong if anyone knows otherwise) I would like to find other unschoolers, or at least non-religious homeschooling groups and do not know how easy that will be on PEI.

Affordability just housing prices alone goes to PEI hands down. Finding a place with a barn as well but we want to start a business and doing that on the island may prove way more expensive because of costs to bring goods in or ship out. These are all things I have to try and think about.

Geographically I could likely be happy either place although the islands red earth and valley's really spoke to me so did the parts of Nova Scotia I got to see (I drove so much in the dark there).

Then there is the question about renting. Do we rent a furnished place and hope to find something really soon and make it easier on us to start, maybe only bringing my memory foam mattress for my last few months of pregnancy? Or do we go unfurnished? I could house hunt in the snow since I have seen most areas, at least I think I could, but is it realistic for the last 3 months of my pregnancy?

I hate the idea of being in a rental when I give birth but I know it may happen.

All of these things wake me up at 2am sometimes and I am still trying to figure them out. I don't want to buy a place unless we really really feel good about it too. I just feel like I cannot figure out what is quite best for us yet.

In the meantime we are finally packing stuff slowly but surely and trying to be very smart about it. We also have to FINALLY get a tree tomorrow.

WHEW, ok, the trip story is officially over!!!

the trip part six....

2008-12-14T12:32:00.000-04:00

We got up at 4am to get to the airport. We arrived and checked in our bags. I only packed one carry-on for the trip home to make the layover at Newark less a pain since we had not needed the portable DVD player or the movie case or blanket on the trip coming.

I got some bottled water after we went through security since we had had to toss all of ours. I got Bliss a muffin and some OJ and a tart for me which I never ate any of. I was not feeling very good that morning having had thrown up the night before and was still feeling rather queasy.

The plane apparently had some electrical problem and was delayed about 40 minutes but this was known before boarding so we simply waited in the terminal. After eating about half his muffin Bliss went to sleep laying against me until it was time to board.

Once on the plane I got us settled and asked the flight attendant for the seat belt extender (yes folks the belly won't allow the seat belt across, well the belly the hips the ass, but I DO have an excuse these days) and for a few sick bags as I was truly worried about throwing up on the flight.

Bliss had taken his flying meds (a child's allergy pill) and had water to sip and gum he was chewing. The takeoff went fine and his ears were great. About 20 minutes into the flight he told me his tummy hurt and then suddenly he was throwing up. I managed to whip a bag out and he made it all in the bag, the poor thing. He then proceeded to throw up 3 more times before the 2 hour flight was done. I went into immediate mama mode and all my queasiness left. I washed his forehead, took him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out and got him bubbly water to sip (club soda) for the rest the flight. he told me right before we landed that he hated throwing up but sometimes "it sure makes ya feel better."

The landing was done without even the aid of gum and went well for him ear wise. We had to go through customs in Newark, then get our bags, then the second customs, then the bag drop off and then security again, thus losing all our bottled water AGAIN, and then I walked down the wrong very long corridor to our gate and had to backtrack. We FINALLY got to our gate (we had a 4 hour layover so I wasn't worried, just tired and with a sick kid) and sat in the food court. Bliss was hungry and I got him some pancakes thinking they would be easy on his tummy. I got a slice of pizza thinking even airport Jersey would be close enough to New York pizza to be worth it, it wasn't.

We hung out, had lots of potty stops and waited for our flight. Bliss seemed to be feeling much better, I was feeling so so. Finally we boarded our flight home.

Upon boarding the plane I was immediately struck with how very different it was from our flight out. It was not the same first class in any way. This was a business class like first class (apparently our flight over was on an international flight plane, who knew). The seats did NOT have the movie players at them (remember I had not packed the portable one in the carry-on), the seats also did not look to go back much. We were seated in the last row and I asked a nearby flight attendant if the last row seats did in fact lean back. He answered they did the same amount as the rest of first class. OK good I thought, until I found they only went back about 6 inches the same as coach. The flight attendant had a lovely accent and I asked him where he was from, that I loved his accent. He snapped back at me very angrily that he was "from here" which shocked me. He had a London by way of somewhere else accent with a lovely lilt to it but apparently it offended him greatly to be asked.

The flight is settling but not taking off yet and the flight attendant starts taking meal orders from the first class section. I hear there is a choice of chicken, a stuffed pasta, or veal. he gets to us last and informs me that there is only veal left. I explain, very nicely that I cannot eat veal (I have never eaten veal, I am a meat eater but do not ever eat veal) and that they would need to find something else, I would even eat a vegetarian meal if need be. He tells me he can get me a burger from coach and I calmly explain that I paid more for the tickets than a decent car almost and did so to ensure no problems like this and that he needed to figure out what to do but that being given a "burger from coach" was not ok. He proceeded to walk to the front of the cabin, and very loudly explain to the other flight attendants that "the bitch in row 5 says she paid thousands for her tickets and will not eat veal."

I immediately began crying much to my horror I could not stop myself, the tears were pouring down. We were still on the ground folks, I hardly believe this was so hard to rectify. I called roomie from my cell and sobbed to her and said how badly I just wanted to get off the plane and take another one but I could not because Bliss still felt like shit and we needed to just get home.

After I calmed down a bit another flight attendant came to me and explained he had spoken with some passengers and he could offer me a different meal. I thanked him and said I was not trying to be a pain and that chicken would be lovely. I also explained Bliss wanted nothing and hopefully I could get him to eat a few bites of mine.

To backtrack a second, I was very obviously pregnant and I had explained to the jerk attendant that Bliss was coming off an early flight he had spent the entire time throwing up on. It had made zero difference to that man.

So we are taking off, Bliss is doing great ear wise and just wants to sleep in a slippery seat that won't go back. We have a 4 inch armrest between us that won't move and no legroom for me to cradle him from. He did his best but it was breaking my heart seeing him try to lay and sleep. Also the overhead movie screen was in the first row and row 3 and no other row so Bliss could not even physically see it from his seat. He tried to sleep and the mean flight attendant started going around again taking salad dressing preferences from the passengers. he did all 18 other passengers and then stood up, turned and walked back to the front purposefully ignoring me. A few minutes later the other flight attendant came back and took my dressing order. I began to cry, again. I was so upset and angry and frustrated and that man was making such a huge scene of avoiding me at all costs.

The nice attendant was very apologetic. I explained through tears that I had not been a passenger who ever yelled or raised my voice in any way and that it was his job to address my concerns and that by acting this way he was humiliating me and ruining our entire flight. The nice attendant apologized and went about bringing me my salad.

Bliss slept fitfully and I tried to calm my nerves and stop the damn tears which kept coming on and off. Towards the end of the flight I think the mean one came by once to ask what we needed drinks wise but that was it.

Bliss did well on the landing THANK GODDESS and we left the plane as soon as humanly possible. Some passengers from coach near us on the flight made comments in baggage claim asking what had happened and why was the flight attendant so mean to me.

We got our luggage and went out to meet up with roomie to drive home. I was sooooo glad the trips was over. It is probably more clear now why I could not write about the trip when I got home, it really was a bit of a huge letdown and ended so poorly.

Next up final thoughts and insights on what we are planning to do.

the trip part five....

2008-12-13T16:47:00.000-04:00

Saturday was our last day of driving around, the next day we were flying home at dawn.

We got off to an ok start but Bliss had to make a lot of potty stops, like one every 20 minutes. It was also the first day of regular raining, which I loved. Maybe the rain made him need to pee, who knows.

We were running about 15 minutes late and I was stressed because I try not to be late. We finally got to the Realtors office who were were meeting that day only to find the office closed. I called her and left a message, parked and waited. About 15 minutes later I got a call back, her car had broken down and she was getting another car to borrow, but she was about an hour away.

???

So we got the addresses since it was also the first day I had forgotten my own paperwork. Up to then each Realtor would hand me printouts of properties I already had previously printed out for myself. So we got the addresses and I said we would grab a bite and meet her at the first one.

We ended up just driving to the first one as Bliss wasn't hungry yet and I was fin. We got there and it was the closest to a road we had seen yet. You could literally touch the front door with one hand and the main road with another, at the same time. So I knew it was a no go so I went to call the Realtor and tell her we should just meet up at the second one instead, except I found out there was no cell service.

So I began driving to the second and when I saw a market I stopped to call. After 3 attempts and a lot of lost coins at the obviously broken pay phone the clerk allowed me to make the local call on his phone. I let her know and grabbed some snacks and we drove to the other house.

This house was in nice shape, but was a smokers house, it was shocking to me (a former smoker years back) how strong it was. Bliss was actually coughing. The Realtor didn't notice but she was a smoker herself. The house was in nice shape but it was not in a location that would ultimately work for us. We chatted more about what we were seeking and she said she would keep her eyes open for something that might work we could view when we came back. We made our goodbyes and were on our way back to the hotel.

We stopped at Sharon's home to return the GPS and have a nice visit where she even lent me her baby sounds monitor so I could try to hear a heartbeat. I was suddenly paranoid again and had VERY FOOLISHLY not brought the ultrasound monitor I had just gotten. I didn't hear anything on hers but it was not an actual u/s so I was not completely freaked out. It was sooooo sweet of her though to let me try.

We said goodbye to her adorable daughter and her lovely parents and her and went back to the hotel. I just had packing to do and dinner and then up at 4am to go to the airport to go home.

I wish I could say this was the end of the story but the next day proved almost too much for me...

the trip part four...

2008-12-10T22:02:00.000-04:00

I want to start this post mentioning that while I had seen so many crap houses much of it was because I had only been able to go by pictures on MLS and had not had my own Realtor I had been working with. I had tried but got a lot of flakes and didn't set up with much before arranging just times to visit houses on a list I sent. Also Nova Scotia, where I was looking, just plain did not have many houses available, it was much more that than the houses all being bad. I LOVED the area and so did everyone living in it apparently because few were moving. I am sure for 100,000 grand more we could find a great place but we have our budget and will not go over.

OK that all said on to the next day. Where was I? Prince Edward Island, yes. First off in the morning we saw 2 homes in New Brunswick on the way to PEI. They were sort of last minute things that turned out not right but we stopped anyways. Next we took the Confederation Bridge over to the island and met the Realtor at the first house.

The Island was BEAUTIFUL, absolutely stunning. The red earth and patchwork valley's were so lovely. The first house was in fantastic shape and had lots of acres. The ONLY problem was it was right on the road and we just can't do that with the dogs and kids, I just want something back off the road.

We saw another house on the same road down a bit and it was back off the road with a beautiful large yard. The Realtor arranged for us to view it. It was a lovely 100 year old home on 3 acres and it beautiful shape. So much of what we want but priced a bit over our budget and with so little acreage I just felt was not wise. It was so lovely though. Here is a pic of it and the one below is of the loft in the garage. The owner was a Lobster man for years and his son still is. The picture is fuzzy but the buoys looked like pretty lanterns all lit up and so lovely.

Everywhere we drove on the island was beautiful, I was scribbling road names and property numbers the entire day. I loved the agricultural community feeling of so much of the island. THIS is what we were looking for so much more. A couple houses we saw were just too old and run down, or the property wasn't exactly right but we saw a lot more potential. One place was right smack dab next to a King.dom Ha.ll and I cannot explain how happy those people would be did they know the crazy queer Buddhist hippy flower child is not moving in within spitting distance of their place.

The other concern about the island is just that, living on an island. Charlottetown is a big city and has lots f major stores and whatnot so much could be gotten from there, but there is the fear of island fever of sorts and of Bliss growing to teenage years and being in that "dying to leave" place which would kill me (seriously).

The final fact to contend with is that it costs $41.50 to leave the island. It is free to drive on but that is the toll to leave. That is a chunk of change folks and it is hard to know how much impact that would have in our daily lives. we want to start a business, but what about if things needed to be brought across regularly, all of that is something to think about.

We ended the day driving back to the hotel and playing in this amazing kids pool which we had booked because of the big pool slide it had. Little did I know the slide was 2 stories high and Bliss HAD to have me sit and hold him going down. I lay back, squeezed my eyes shut and prayed not to get sick. He had a blast, but we only did it 2 or 3 times.

After that I went across the street and got myself a HUGE steak and lobster dinner. The first I had in the Maritimes. It was AMAZING. Bliss had steak and bread and veggies.

Then sleep and even sleeping in a bit and the next day our final day driving around.

the trip part three...

2008-12-09T21:52:00.000-04:00

So we woke up early and went to the Ferry. The hotel we stayed at had advertised a cooked to order breakfast which had been a main reason I stayed there. I was over the continental breakfast thing and looking forward to a real breakfast. I called down and was told to just pick up the vouchers at the front desk. I took down a suitcase to the rental and picked up the vouchers at the desk. I went to the restaurant to order our meals and found that the "cooked to order" breakfast was a choice of either 2 eggs and toast or a yogurt and one egg. I asked if I could substitute as I cannot eat eggs this pregnancy at all. I was told no I could not. So the "cooked to order" breakfast was total bullshit. I took the vouchers back to the front desk, informed them they need to stop advertising falsely and went back upstairs to collect the rest of our stuff and Bliss.

We drove to the Ferry and all was well and we waited in line to board the Ferry going from Saint John, New Brunswick to Digby, Nova Scotia. We boarded the ferry and parked and walked the two flights of stairs up to the main part of the ship (so fun for me). We went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast and I instantly realized I had left my wallet in the car 2 flights down. I walked back down and back up and we had a nice breakfast.

Then we went to go see the kids stuff they had aboard, only to find out all the stuff was only for the summer season and all of it was closed. We walked outside and watched the water, all the while me getting queasy and then went upstairs to the lounge where they had said over the loud speakers there were computers for use of passengers.

We went to use the computers but the Internet connections seemed to be down, the entire three hour boat ride. Yay again!! Poor Bliss, but he was in great spirits. I began feeling more and more seasick and had to lay down on a side couch while Bliss played with the movie feature on my camera. He did great while I rested and quietly moaned. There is one movie he made with him all chipper and me looking green as hell but it is too awful to post.

The Ferry trip ended and we drove to meet the Nova Scotia Realtor we were scheduled with. I loved the geography I saw a lot. Beautiful farming communities with patchwork hills. It was much more along the lines of what I had been looking for. We went to the first house,and although old it seemed better, until we went upstairs and saw the caved in roof with mold and moss growing down the bedroom walls. Fun stuff.

We went to the next place and it was way up the mountain and right on the road and in poor shape as well. It was getting late and Bliss was needing a bathroom every 20 minutes but we managed to see one more place that was completely unsuitable. I had found an area I loved, the Annapolis Valley, but no houses available where we wanted one.

It was just dark when we finished in that area and we had to drive back to Moncton to the next hotel we had reservations at that night. It was a 4 hour drive through so much of Nova Scotia I could not see at all because it was night.

Bliss was great as usual but I was tired of driving and frustrated. We got to the hotel by 10pm and tried to get to sleep right away.

The next day we got up a little bit later, like 7:30-8am and headed out to Prince Edward Island.

what's new with you...

2008-12-05T12:45:00.000-04:00

I had an OB appointment yesterday. I was hoping she would do an u/s so maybe I could get an actual picture that didn't suck but she told me her u/s was way less than the one I had had the day before and it was just because of positioning behind placenta and the thickest part of my belly fat that the picture was so bad.

So, rats!!!

Good news I have lost another pound so far this pregnancy. I don't care about losing, it is that I am not gaining, which my doc says means the baby is "converting" which is optimal for me considering my starting weight this pregnancy. It is also good news for me because I gained 65 pounds with Bliss and started this pregnancy weighing more than the day I gave birth to Bliss, so being in a place of converting rather than gaining is really positive for me.

I still throw up a couple times a week but usually I don't lose my whole meal so that is good. I also still have this cold I got in Canada but it seems to finally be getting better. The coughing has added to the throwing up though, that and the excess mucus which chokes me at times. YUCK!!

As for eating I am still in the weird place where one minute I like one thing and the next can't stand it. Breakfast still continues to be the hardest meal to figure out. This morning I made fresh steamed veggies squirted with fresh lemon juice, nice rice pilaf, and broiled salmon for breakfast. It was delicious but come on, that is NOT breakfast food people.

I wish I could chug milk and eat eggs even one meal a day like I did when preggers with Bliss but that is not to be it seems. I can do an occasional decaf latte drink which IS milk but not real great for me.

OHHH and we got a new car, well a new used but it was INSANE. I have a big ol Ford F150 extended cab long bed truck. It does not have enough room even with the back seat as it cannot fit a rear facing child seat on it and I knew we would have to get something before going to Canada. Well I have been looking to do a trade in and then keep costs down. In Canada I rented a Chevy Uplander van and was surprised how much I enjoyed it but when I looked on CL at home I say they were really expensive, even used. OK whatever, on to the next thing. Well roomie and I were talking and she suggested we rent one of the other vehicles we were thinking about and make a trip down to the Monterey. Bay. Aquarium. in it to see how we like the feel. I had promised Bliss we would go there before we moved (it is about 3 hours south of us). I went online to a few rental places and ended up looking at their vehicles to buy as well and suddenly there was an Uplander, a 2008 one, for like 5 grand under blue book and 6 grand less than on CL for a 6 year older one and with only 32,000 miles on it. We were stunned and called and drove over and they took my trade in for a good price and we have a new car. It still shocks me every time I walk outside. But this is what we will be driving to Canada when we move and it is really cool. I will try and remember to post a pic if anyone is interested but maybe not as pictures of a car can be kinda boring maybe.

(wanted to add here, I know it is probably strange to many I drove a big gas guzzler truck, but I have always had trucks and I got it for such an amazing price years ago after my lovely Toyota wagon lost all a/c and other things during summer. Anyhow I have one bumper sticker on my truck, or had I guess, that read "Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper" and I did not drive a ton but anyhow the last thing about the new van, it is a flex fuel van and can take ethanol, so even cooler. I just need to get another one of my bumper stickers for it now.)

Anyhow I will be finishing writing about my trip in the next day or two, Sunday we are going down to the aquarium just for the night, and all is pretty ok right now.

20 week scan...

2008-12-03T17:05:00.001-04:00

All went well. They want me back in 4 weeks but everything looked fine. The tech was jaded and a bit of a pain in the ass, the doc was super sweet.

The picture I got was crap, a frontal skeletal looking picture because of how the baby was laying. I am not going to bother even scanning it as it is total blurry crap.

The kidney's looked good as with stomach and bladder. The spine was good, and the brain stem too. The arm and leg bones measured good and long.

They got a look at the heart and said it looked great but still they said it was a little early and a little hard with my belly fat to get views clear enough to officially call. but then she did get one look he said was fantastic.

They could not get facial views good, hence crap pictures, so they want to do the facial checking (cleft palate etc. in 4 weeks).

The nuchal fold was 3mm or less and he said anything under 6mm was great.

In some ways I feel like I can finally say I am really pregnant, even to myself. In other ways I know that until I feel the baby move all the time I will still struggle.

I had about 3 hours sleep last night with worry and I am completely exhausted. I was able, however, to get up in the middle of the night and use my lovely gifted doppler (thanks again Rose!!) and ease my mind.

My placenta is large and anterior so that will further delay regular kicks but after today I am definitely breathing much easier.

Now for a nap.

putting it out there...

2008-12-03T00:16:00.000-04:00

I have my 20 week level 2 anatomy scan tomorrow.

I am really nervous, more than I want to even admit.

It just seems like my biggest hurdle.

No I will not be finding out the sex.

I wasn't even going to post this for fear of a jinx but I had to.

Breathe.

show and tell...

2008-12-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

Bliss lost his first tooth of his own accord the day after Thanksgiving.
It is a big deal for so many reasons. I may have touched on it eons ago but will go through it in it's entirety and see if I can do so without breaking down.

When I was pregnant with Bliss I was on antibiotics twice for two different things. It is believed to have led to what Bliss went through but there are many school's of thought on it. I believe it was the cause as does my current pediatric specialist.

Anyhow Bliss' teeth came in falling apart. They were disintegrating immediately. He was exclusively breast fed for the first year and it is not a normal occurrence, but like with IF when you go through ECC (early childhood caries) you suddenly are opened to more info and meet others struggling with it. His teeth did not hurt him at first and I did not want to have to put him in a hospital to go under anesthesia at 9 months old so I waited.

Yes they started breaking off, but the only pain were the scabs on my nipples from his jagged teeth and he did not have pain yet. I could care less about my pain when he was faced with so much future hardship. At just after 12 months, his four front teeth were all broken down to gum level he began getting sensitive a bit and at 13 months I had to have them removed.

[I also want to take a second here to mention that in this world of ECC most people on the outside assume your child has Bottle Rot from neglect and there is quite a stigma tied to it. I was horrified though to hear stories of children being taken away by CPS due to severe cases of Bottle Rot when they may very well have had the problem from a completely different cause. ECC's

It is a predisposition to reacting badly to a normal mouth bacteria and then having that bacteria introduced into the weakened mouth. In my case they believe the antibiotics weakened his early immunity to it in utero and then likely he was exposed to it from me with anything from kissing to any contact with my saliva. All adults have the bacteria and kids get it sometimes early and sometimes later, but it usually only takes hold of a mouth susceptible to it from a weakened state or from severe neglect wearing down the mouth's resistance. A dear friend of mine from my Mother's Group had it with her second child and nothing at all with her first. She went through hell as well and could not get over how different it was for both her kids. CAN be caused by neglect and Bottle Rot and parents who fill bottle's with soda pop and all sorts of other crap, but this is not the only reason it happens and when it takes hold of a mouth, even from something as precious as kissing between mother and baby, it is not mentioned so much.]

I still did not want him having surgery at a hospital and I found a specialist who would do it very quickly with Novocaine and laughing gas. We spent that morning at the State Fair and then went to the appointment.

They were all wonderful and placed him on what they called a "huggy board" to hold him down, while I also held his hands and gave comfort. The entire procedure took less that 15 minutes from start to finish and it is the 15 minutes I wish most I could get back in my child's life. It is also when I learned my son does not react to laughing gas and barely reacts to Novocaine.

He was traumatized so deeply, which is not to say a hospital, an iv, and being away from me wouldn't have been worse, but with his amazing memory, at 6 years old now, he can recant the entire thing back to me and still does on occasion.

We still had teeth coming in with issues and I spent countless hours researching the problem trying to figure out what to do. He began chewing Xyletol gum between every meal along with the brushing and topical fluoride we used (which I am not even a fan of) and we tried hard to keep the decay at bay. He liked breast milk and water and orange juice but we were told no OJ, no dried fruit, night wean (I never did) and many other things, but for everything I was told by one person another expert would say it didn't matter, that it was already in his mouth (the bacteria that causes it) and that it would likely be a problem with all his baby teeth (though not his adult thank Goddess).

Finally a new dentist opened up a few towns away who offered in office twilight anesthesia and procedures. I went to her and she was not only amazing but her anesthesiologist was as well. Bliss now needed 2 crowns, my poor darling, and I was beside myself what to do. This office was terrific and they even arranged for surgery days to be no other clients, they would have the anesthesiologist meet us at the door and as I carried Bliss in he would greet and slyly give a shot to knock him out in order to then put him under. Yes the shot hurt him, but it was quick and I was assured he would not remember it because of what it was.

Well he DID remember it but it was a bit fuzzy and they were able to do all they needed to. They also informed me he took way more anesthesia than they expected and had a huge resistance to it. I was a wreck as it was the first time Bliss was away from me ever, even though it was just in a different room it felt like so much more When the anesthesiologist came out cradling Bliss in his arms while he still slept, as if he was his own child, I knew I was in the right spot.

Bliss has had to have 3 surgeries there, but I am happy to report it has been a year and a half since he had any decay. I use an amazing toothpaste that made a huge difference in not only his teeth but also mine (which has no fluoride btw) and the dentist really feels we are past the bad times with his baby teeth. We are still vigilant, and it has been hard both emotionally and economically (the insurance we had before would not cover this dentist or any surgery but a hospital stay so all the surgeries were cash or credit) but so worth it.

Bliss still has a lot of fear around the dentist and even though his last two visits and cleanings have been awesome, he has still done a lot of crying and hyperventilating. He is getting better but he remembers so much bad associated with the dentist it is hard for him.

So this is a really really long way of saying how big a deal it was for my baby to lose his first tooth of his own accord. It was also the first time the Tooth Fairy visited that he remembers. Back then she visited but he was still way to traumatized and young to get it or understand.

Now head over to Mel's and look at all the other Show and Tell's this week.

the trip part two...

2008-11-29T23:47:00.000-04:00

So as I said, why do I recognize someone at this airport in this place I have never been at 11pm at night?

Well a wonderfully sweet woman I know from an online bulletin board I used to frequent (an SMC board I was part of for ages until it became necessary to only hang out on IF boards and blogs) was at the airport. Never mind I had never mentioned when I would be flying in.

Never mind she was with her mother and her 16 month old daughter at 11 pm and had been waiting Goddess knows how long for me to arrive, maybe. She was there, welcoming me to Canada and it was shocking and amazing. She wanted to make sure I got in ok, and have me follow her in the rental to the hotel so I would not get lost.

I was beyond touched, I was awed and speechless. I got my rental and followed them to the hotel and made it in time as I was concerned I would not (they closed at midnight). This was only to find they were booked solid, so I followed them again to another hotel and got a room there. This woman, her name is Sharon, also lifted my bags onto the hotel cart for me and off the cart into the room. She was just so amazing!!!!!

So we got settled and said our goodbyes and planned to meet up for a bit the next day after noon as the next day was Remembrance Day (our veterans Day) and everything is closed so we knew beforehand we could not look at any properties that day.

We finally got to sleep, the bed was awful and the pillows worse but we got to sleep and slept in until 9:45 which, sadly was only 5:45 our time. Well Bliss did, I woke up with a wake p call at 9:15 so I would not miss out getting breakfast for our room at the free continental buffet.

I felt hungover the next morning from the flying and lack of sleep and stress but all was ok. I was hot as well but it was cool outside and felt good.

At a bit after noon Sharon picked us up to show us around town a bit and take us by some great landmarks. I sat in the back of her van with Bliss, even though her mother offered the front passenger seat, because I knew Bliss would want me near. What I did not consider was how car sick I would become.

We did a few sightseeing things and then they tool me around looking for an open grocery store where I could get some apples (ha ha ha) and some fresh stuff for the room but nothing was open but a gas station convenience store. I was able to get some apples and bottled water and such though so that was great. I also would NEVER have found where to go with everything closed so again, having Sharon and her family of angels there was amazing. Then when they were about to drop us off at the hotel her mother tells me she wants to lend me her GOS for the week and we run by her home to pick it up. Can you believe this????? I am SOOOOOOO converted to GPS' now, btw, I would have had so much more difficulty during my trip had I not had that amazing lil thing to use. It was a lifesaver!!!!! It is also on my own list to get from Santa this x-mas for sure!

So the next day we had to leave by 7am, which is 3am our time or somewhere in between since we have not yet adjusted but are not totally unadjusted. The first property is about an hour and a half away and was one I was really looking forward to seeing. Until I saw it that is.

It should have forewarned me of my trip, truly. It looked absolutely NOTHING like the pictures on MLS and was an absolute clapboard shack. I could spit from one side to the other and I suck at spitting. The area was not what I was expecting either. All that work and research I had done meant nothing and I was bummed but knew I had many more places to see so I kept positive.

Bliss had a dvd player and lots of movies to keep him company, plus his car seat from home he likes so he was good so far. I saw another house after that one that was not planned, and it was very nice, but just too small. It was very well kept and the property was nice, but I had realized the area we were in would not do. It had become pretty much a retirement community and I want to be where there are kids and families.

After that we drove another hour and a half to get to the next area if properties. Stopping for Bliss to go potty was ok with pee but the other became a concern when we were in rural areas. Thank goodness for Tom Horton's being everywhere is all I can say.

So we get to the next property and it is ok, lots of apple trees on the property and a very quiet road, the house seems ok from the outside. Bliss has to go potty the second we walk in which is when I discover no water and plumbing problems in the downstairs. Oh and the rooms were closets, not rooms, the listing was inaccurate. Then there was the 3 feet of water in the basement with a permanent sump pump and hose coming out. Why none of this was mentioned I am still not sure. The next property was the one with the floors so bowed you could sled down one side and the floors coming up with the foundation crumbling.

After that it was another hour and a half to the next area. We stopped for fast food along the way, which can I say is sooo not what I want these days but all we had time for. Bliss was doing great and I was very proud of him. The next property had an amazing view but here is when it sunk in. Wooded areas in New Brunswick are nothing of what I was expecting.

Bear with me here, I do not think I am being strange here in thinking, make that assuming, that wooded areas would be like the wooded areas of Maine. Au contraire mon fraire the wooded areas in NB have pines and aspens and thicket and undergrowth. You literally cannot even walk through them. So all this time I am avoiding properties with lots of clear cutting having been done is now making no sense because I do not want woods we cannot walk through, especially not a majority of it.

So that house with the great view of the river, it still needed lots of work and was smaller than expected. The floors, of mustard yellow/orange shag that looked centuries old would never work, the walls were in need of major repair and the garage was falling apart. It was still not as bad as many I had so far seen but it also was not what we were looking for.

We then drove another hour and a half to Saint John NB to stay at a hotel for the night in order to catch the Ferry the next day to Nova Scotia. The hotel was fine except they put us in the wrong room to start.I had made reservations for the rest of the trip the night before and knew what I had reserved.

Bliss was tired, I was exhausted, and we got settled in and I went down to the restaurant to see what they had and get some real food. We ate healthy dinners, I had AMAZING salmon with rice and fresh steamed veggies and was in heaven. Bliss ate pasta and some meat and bread and fruit and we relaxed a bit and got to bed.

The next day we were headed for a Ferry ride, for Bliss and then a day of searching Nova Scotia.

More to come...

to all...

2008-11-27T20:08:00.000-04:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!

If you celebrate today or not may your day be filled with love.

Cooked all morning, I LOVE this day for the cooking alone.

Today's Menu in our home.

Apricot Glazed Turkey
Fresh Mashed Potato's
Yeast Rolls
Cranberry Waldorf Salad
Yams with brown sugar (for roomie)
Fresh green beans (for me)
Cranberry Sauce (canned)
Homemade Pumpkin Pies (two)
Fresh whipped cream for said pies
Homemade Apple Pie

Total eating 3

I so love cooking for tons but we shall have leftovers for days!!!!!

Dinner was great but I am so wiped out and full. Doing it pregnant has taken it out of me. Now if I can just convince Bliss to take a nap with me.

More installments of the trip to come later this week.

the trip part one.....

2008-11-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

So, finally, the trip.

To give a little back story Bliss is not fond of flying. The last time he flew we were going to Vancouver for the day to get our Landing papers for immigration. It was a day trip and we would visit the aquarium and a few other tourist things we thought he would enjoy. The pilot, however, did a very rapid descent that caused my ears quite a bit of pain and Bliss began screaming at that time. It was almost 30 minutes until we were off the plane and the screaming had turned into the terror scream. We walked off the plane and had to immediately sit with him in the hall, long before customs or anything and it was over another 40 minutes before he could be calmed. It was just horrid. We also knew, as did he that we had to get back on a plane in 12 hours and that caused a lot of panic as well.

The day went well, we picked up some meds recommended for him and more "chewier" gum and the trip home was not bad beyond the panic. But Bliss, have I mentioned this, he has this memory. It is uncanny and a pain the ass and incredible all at the same time. So a year and a half later and he is really worried about the flying.

We got first class tickets, it was an expense so beyond our means, but I a) really needed the long flight to Newark (no nonstop to the Canadian Atlantic Region) to be ok for Bliss and b) found out I was only going to be able to get back row in economy. The plane was great as was the service (it better be for the absolute fortune we spent). The flight took off and it went well for Bliss, we got situated with drinks and then a flight attendant who I had told about Bliss' fears, and who had introduced him earlier to the pilot who Bliss proceeded to ask to do slow takeoff's and landings, came by and got the personal movie player out for him and showed him how to use it. They had Wall-E, which Bliss LOVED and has only seen once, and we put that on and I breathed for the first time. He also had new "plane toys" he loved and comfort snacks from home (apples and bacon if you must know).

About a half hour into the movie and an hour into the flight Bliss suddenly stops the movie, takes off the headphones, and says to be very seriously that he wants to get off the flight NOW. He wants the plane to land right now. My heart is absolutely panicked. I am not a panic type with Bliss usually but I knew we had 4 more hours ahead of us and I knew how serious he was.

I asked what was wrong, was he in pain, what was up. He was not liking the long flight and was scared and I told him very gently we had a lot more time until we got there but that I was there for him. Because of the huge armrest/table between seats in first class, and because we were in the first row with tons of leg space I crawled onto the floor in front of his seat and pulled him into my arms and held him while he cried. I also suggested he rest and reminded him how early we had gotten up (4 am) and said it would make the flight go faster.

He did well the rest the flight, slept a couple hours, and was not so panicked. The moment he was truly asleep I was crying my head off and doing breathing techniques. I know the pregnancy hormones were compounding how hard I was taking it, but I really felt like I was putting him through hell and I was just so sad for him.

The landing in Newark went pretty well but the descent is a very long one and Bliss got a little upset at one point and began to cry again. I asked if it was actual pain or just pressure building and scaring him (I had a feeling). He said the building pressure and I was able to explain to him they would get tight and release over and over but that they would not get sharp pain like before. he took this news well and we worked on a combination of swallowing sips of water, blowing his nose while I held it closed, and chewing 2.5 pieces of Hubba Bubba gum. It worked well and he was happy how well he did as soon as tires hit the tarmac.

When we got off the plane we got to get a ride on the airport gold cart thing to the other terminal shuttle bus. Bliss adored that. Then we had a little time to kill and had a meal at a little airport restaurant and went to the bathroom 50 times. Bliss, not me. He was able to poop though and that helped him.

This all may be way too much info for some but this is all part of how this trip went for us.

The second plane was a small plane from Newark to Moncton, New Brunswick. There is no first class but thankfully the armrests go up between us and I was saved from extreme squish. I was still in pain though. I was also boiling, the entire 2 hour flight, only one of the air things worked and I felt faint. Bliss did good with takeoff chewing this huge wad of gum and his mood was great. He was such an amazing lil being.

We landed at about 10:30 pm Atlantic time (4 hour difference from our time). We went through the first customs heck and I had written we had apples. It is a tiny airport and I got my luggage out those doors and went to the second check. they asked me to go to the private room area, which I assumed was to get rid of my apples. I was fine with that. They were very nice but they began asking me about Bliss and suddenly I understood.

At the first check point they had asked where his father was and I explained he was a sperm bank child. I thought nothing of it. We have passports and are even landed immigrants in Canada. It was a three year and very thorough process.

Well apparently they were taking me aside to see if I had proof he was in fact a sperm bank child. I laughed and explained that there was none that would suffice. If I had brought his birth certificate, which I did not, all it would say is my name and blank under father. That is not proof. If I brought the profile of his donor from the sperm bank, that again was just me saying and showing. They were very nice and were also stumped as to how, in the future, I would deal with this. They recommended bringing the birth certificate anyways but agreed it was problematic for them.

I should add here that they question it because they have to make sure people, men or women, are not taking kids out of the country into their country behind another parent's back. It IS to protect the child and I was aware of this the whole time. I appreciated their concern. It was just a pain in the toochis for us.

I think in Vancouver they deal with this more often so it is not so unusual probably. They then tried to ask Bliss questions, like what is his address (I do not believe in teaching my child, who I am with 24/7, his address actually) and they asked him who he lived with and he mentioned "the girls" which are our dogs and then got confused. They were very nice, took my apples and let us go but it was interesting to say the least.

I then enter the main terminal as I leave that area and a man asks if that's it. I was the last person out of the airport apparently. I said yes and then look across the terminal and am confused. Why do I recognize someone at this airport at 11 pm at night???

birthday...

2008-11-23T19:45:00.000-04:00

Bliss' birthday went really well. We spent the morning opening gifts and playing and then he got to watch Star Wars (the original made not the first in the series) for the first time ever. He loved it.

I spent the morning throwing up, badly. The kind where it makes you sick all day long. I am back to battling throwing up, and pretty miserable. I was ok by the time we left for Chuck.E.Cheese.

He knew we were going there but he thought it was just us. The friends were waiting and jumped out and yelled surprise and when he realized it was a party for him he laid down on the floor in shock. He is so funny.

The party was small (4 other kids 3 other adults) but really nice and Bliss had a really good time. I nibbled some cheese pizza and some salad and was very pleased I did not have to throw up there.

After the song was sung and the cake was cut and served I surprised him with his big gift. He got the Millennium Falcon which is this HUGE thing and he was sooo shocked and thrilled.

We got home at bedtime almost and were exhausted.

I will post some pics on this post when I get them downloaded.

As for the trip post it is coming, I swear. I am just not feeling well and not up to very much. I finally caught up on my reader and am so far behind on shows it is a joke. Every night I go to bed when Bliss does and still I am tried all day. This cold is kicking my ass.

I promise to get the trip post out this week though.

update...

2008-11-19T11:44:00.000-04:00

Still not ready to post about trip.

Still sick with this cold.

Did get unpacked and laundry done.

This Friday is Bliss' birthday so I have been getting that organized. He is having his first party with other people. Very small but it is all so he can enter a room and have people yell surprise. He has no idea but has said this past year how much he wants a surprise party some day. We are doing it the easy way and having a Chuck.E.Cheese party but he will be surprised so I am excited.

After I get through this week I should be ready to write about it all and tackle our next step or maybe at least start to figure it out.

I am down to about 75 on my reader so I am getting there.

new fyi...

2008-11-17T09:32:00.001-04:00

home, wiped out beyond belief
house not found
frustrated
will figure it out
need a few days to even begin to write about it

p.s. have over 300 feeds to catch up on, please know I will but it may take a while

fyi...

2008-11-14T17:48:00.000-04:00

in Canada, exhausted, be back next week

show and tell...

2008-11-09T01:26:00.000-04:00

This post is for Mel.

I only recently began trying out bread making. It is something I have always wanted to do but had not. I am a pie maker from a young age, love making baked goods. My Tiramisu is better than I can find at the best Italian restaurant. But I never made bread beyond quick breads.

I began trying a couple months ago but the morning sickness and Metformin at the time made me not able to eat what I was baking so I too a break. I made three different breads back then and one was pretty good and two quickly became rocks.

I began searching out recipes to make artisan bread as a novice and found a lot I thought would not be good to try. Then I came across THIS article in the NY Times and couldn't wait to try it. I only had to wait for the sickness to go. So three days ago I finally decided to give it a try.

The recipe is HERE and it is so easy it is ridiculous. I am not one who wants easy necessarily. I actually love a multi-step recipe and even enjoy, so far, kneading bread and the feel of it. But this bread had such a write-up and so many rave reviews and it was artisan like in taste supposedly.

Anyhow I was shocked how beautiful it came out, and then that night I could not eat it because I was stuffed and had to wait until lunch the next day and you know what, it was amazing!!! It is still amazing days later. I will definitely be using this recipe over and over.

Now head over to Mel's and look at all the other Show and Tell's this week.

lot's going on...

2008-11-06T23:49:00.000-04:00

I am insanely scattered trying to organize with no less that 5 different Realtors for my trip up to Canada next week. I have so very much to do and so little time to do it. Then I come to find out Tuesday is not only our Veteran's day but their Remembrance Day, which is great, but means I will not be able to view properties on that day. So basically it means I will have Wed Thurs and Fri to get it all done, hopefully someone can show houses Sat too and that will give me a total of 4 days. UGH. I come back early on Sunday.

In other news I spent this morning barfing, a lot. Not sure why but even one egg seems too many right now.

I also had an OB visit today. No u/s which is strange when you are used to them but good to. She did Doppler me for my own sanity and the heartbeat was thumping away.

I wanted to also mention an amazing anon. reader wrote me and is sending me a Doppler for my peace of mind only asking that I pass it on after the pregnancy is done. I am SO SO SO lucky!!!!! I cannot wait to get it!!

I have also lost one pound in the past month which made me happy. Not the loss, just that there has not been gain. I know many overweight women, when they get pregnant, gain very little weight. I also have friends who have gained 50-60 with every pregnancy even when they lost nothing in between. I was and am hoping I fall into the first category and so far things are not out of control.

So that is all for now. Thanks for all the support from my last post. It meant a lot.

tears...

2008-11-05T11:16:00.000-04:00

I cried last night. Tears of joy at Obama winning. Tears of finally seeing some change, some desperately needed change.

I woke up this morning and the tears have begun again and won't seem to stop. This time, however, they are not of joy. They voted for constitutional amendments to oppress. They voted to make me not equal. They voted to say I have less rights, am less allowed, am less.

I LOVE Obama, I have loved him for YEARS, but this morning I am so sadly aware of how my choice to move is the right one. I have to raise my son in a place where his mother is considered an equal citizen worthy of equal rights. I am just so very hurt, that in California, they have voted to hurt.

The tears keep falling.

show and tell...

2008-11-01T23:46:00.000-03:00

Amy over at Milk in the Batter shared this video with me that she got from Emily the Hopeless who got it from Dagny at Who is John Galt? and I felt it just HAS to be viewed my everyone.

It is so amazing and well done/written/expressed. It is also intense and emotional, but so is infertility.

So I present to you for Show and Tell, EMPTY ARMS from the Infertility Awareness Project.

tricks and treats...

2008-11-01T12:17:00.000-03:00

HAPPY SAMHAIN!!!!!!!

1 Reese's small peanut butter egg from Easter
1 normal size Reese's peanut butter cup
2 Brach's caramels
2 Smarties (pieces, not rolls)
1/2 of a plain caramel apple
2 bites of carrot cake
slushy lemonade

That was the extent of my sweets intake yesterday. That should very much tell you how much I am NOT into sweets while pregnant, seriously.

We had a good time trick-or-treating at a local downtown that has a great event. Bliss also decided how many treats he wanted and then was done, it was strange but happy for me as I was BOILING in that suit. I am also mortified it was snug on me as it is a blow up suit, but kids still freaked at it and bliss loved that so all was worth it.

It rained the night before, FINALLY, and rained a little in the day but was clear when we went trick-or-treating. Then in the evening when we set up to hand out candy, which Bliss loves to do, it began raining again. I was handing out huge handfuls of candy per person just hoping to run out and the rain kept getting stronger and people stopped coming. Sadly I still have lots left but I will pass it out to the mail people and any delivery drivers that stop by over the coming week.

I also keep forgetting to mention my 3 hour GD test and now seems appropriate.

My fasting level was 90 (65-99 range)
My 1 hour level was 211 (65-199 range) high
My 2 hour level was 115 (65-139 range)
My 3 hour level was 66 (65-109 range)

The docs say it is not a clear pass, which I disagree with but whatever. They say I need to watch it, which I have been, and that I must retest at 24 weeks. We shall see, that will be around moving time so I am not sure but I am trying to be careful of what I eat.

Speaking of eating, my new thing, besides soups which are still doing me well, is 4 P's. I take some potato salad I got at the store, add cut up pickles, and pepperocini's and potato chips on the side. It was only a small thing of potato salad thank goodness. I am not even usually a big potato chip person. So aside from that I have been trying to really watch what I eat and keep the carbs down. I have not thrown up in almost a week but still have close calls.

sad...(UPDATED)

2008-10-28T16:58:00.001-03:00

I had been doing better, way better.

I have been able to drink plain water again, THIS IS HUGE!!!!!

I was finally feeling like things were getting good.

Then...

I am suddenly not really feeling the baby move.

It moved places, and I know that could account for it, but it is really dragging me down

I used to feel it all day long in the bottom left area of my abdomen.

Then it felt like it moved a bit more center and now I am staying up late trying to feel it.

I am eating some sweet thing to try and feel it.

I am actually depressed right now.

I want, no I need to feel it move. It was what got me through day to day.

I am trying to tell myself it is just a different area that is harder to feel.

I am trying to tell myself to have faith and believe.

I am just covered with this film of sadness.

My next appointment was moved up because of my upcoming trip to the 6th of Nov.

It is still far to far away.

UPDATE:
I called the doc and could not stop crying. They fit me in today to ease my mind. All is well and the baby has in fact moved center, and right behind a HUGE placenta. I am beyond relieved. The doc I saw today kept saying hoe long the baby's legs were too, she said "wow they are so long they won't fit in the screen at the resolution" which I thought was funny.

As for the doppler, because I was already feeling the baby I felt it was not needed, now I may, I just hate the expense when things are so crazy right now. I still have my next appointment on the 6th so i should be good until then.

Thanks so much for all the support.

lots of plans...

2008-10-25T20:08:00.001-03:00

I have been doing a lot better. The dexamethasone has actually made a big difference. I do not want to be on it much longer, however, as it is a class c and I want to be done with the extra pills.
I went two days without throwing up which was fantastic. I threw up this morning but I think it was my fault for having waffle and milk.

A LOT had happened in the past week, a shocking lot of life altering things.

For reasons both financial and otherwise it suddenly became clear to us that the move to Canada should be moved forward. With that new and terrifying info roomie retired this past week. We have been scrambling to come to terms with the new plan, both exciting and scary.

I am flying up to New Brunswick with Bliss on the 10th of next month to look at properties. I have been frantically contacting reactors. I have been trying to secure arrangements with the mover we previously choose.

This changes things a lot and our new goal of moving up there in January also means a winter move, not easy.

Packing an entire house while pregnant, really not fun and interestingly enough done before when 7 months pregnant with Bliss.

I have no interest in doing some things we really need to do. I hate organizing and having garage sales, hate hate hate. I have little interest in packing my garage and most of it's contents are my stuff.

I am really hoping to feel well for the trip and rather nervous.

But at the same time I know it is all very exciting and a great thing. It is interesting how it mirrors the pregnancy. I am so thrilled I am pregnant but cannot quite get the joy up for it quite yet as I am not feeling great. So I tell myself often how awesome it all is and plug along.

...

2008-10-22T02:10:00.000-03:00

I have been having a rough time.

I am tired of writing about it.

I have spent a good chunk of time feeling sorry for myself.

That irritates me as well.

The Reglan has not helped either except before bed, otherwise I think it has made it worse.

I went back on Dexamethasone today because the vomiting started 48 hours after I stopped it and they said maybe it was keeping me from throwing up all first trimester and now without it I am.

I am not sure but we shall see.

I had a couple hours today of feeling really good.

Now as night came I have felt more and more yucky.

Part of me wants to write and write and write all my boo-hooing down just to try and get it all out but the other part is just tired of it.

I want so desperately to enjoy this pregnancy.

I am sorry if I am not commenting as much as usual.

I am sorry Mel my emails have been late getting back to you.

I am sorry I am whining so much when I have everything I have wanted for so long while so many of you are still painfully trying.

great video... (updated)

2008-10-18T14:41:00.001-03:00

UPDATE: The embedding was disabled on YouTube so here is the LINK.

another day...

2008-10-18T14:27:00.000-03:00

Talked to OB's office yesterday. They called in an Rx for Zofran sublingual for me.

Apparently Zofran does NOT work for me, AT ALL.

new developments...

2008-10-17T13:14:00.000-03:00

So now that I am finally feeling more secure and less afraid guess what happens???

I have started throwing up. 13 weeks and a few days and I am now throwing up, and it is violent. My upper chest muscles are completely pulled and it is yucky. My eyeballs have somehow been strained as well and hurt, I do not even know how but they are sore since my last episode this morning.

I did look back at a pregnancy journal I wrote while pregnant with Bliss and apparently the first time I threw up then was in my 13th week also. I do not remember that at all. But ugh this is not real fun.

And it isn't only when I have food in my tummy. The other night in the shower I dry heaved 20 times before even bringing up bile. Good times!!

And speaking of the shower, I had to go out and track down a shower filter because the smell of the chlorine in the water has been causing some severe gagging. It finally arrived last night but I have not yet had a chance to try it out.

Poor Bliss was so scared the first time he saw me run to the bathroom and heard me throwing up. I came back in our room to find him in the corner looking terrified. I told him I was ok and we talked about it and by now he just tells me how sorry he is I was sick after it happens. So I am glad he is no longer traumatized by it poor lil guy.

Aside from this I am doing well. Still feeling the lil one at times through the day which just makes all the difference in the world.

wahoooooooooooo...

2008-10-14T19:39:00.000-03:00

OK so the good news then the bad then the AWESOME.

The good news is the baby is doing great and looks fantastic, like a dancing lil perfect thing.

The bad news is I failed the 1 hour GTTS. I got 152 and needed to be under 135. I now have to do a 3 hour test. UGH!!!

The AWESOME news, if you can believe it, is I am actually feeling the baby move. Today when I went to my appointment I asked that she try the area I was feeling the past 48 hours and she did an abdominal u/s and started there, lower left, and the baby was right there. Then after a few seconds the baby did a body wave and I TOTALLY felt it. She was so excited I could feel it. Then another move I didn't feel but the next body wave I totally felt again, and I have been feeling them the past 48 hours. 13 weeks is WAY earlier than I could have hoped to feel but like with so much about this pregnancy, the early heartburn and nose issues, the many women who took part in making it all possible, and other things, I really feel like the Goddess is giving me these gifts to help me not lose my mind.

So yeah, I am over the moon. The GD stuff is a pain but I am not freaking about it yet.

Thanks again to everyone who has sent me so much support when my mind has been being such a bitch to me.

MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

my head...

2008-10-12T11:27:00.000-03:00

I feel better.
Uh oh, maybe things have stopped, you have m/c'd and don't even know it.
My boobs don't hurt so much.
It is second trimester that could be normal.
I feel less queasy, way less.
Again second trimester and you also stopped Metformin and most the progesterone.
Who are you kidding, you spent yesterday queasy as hell and gagging all day.
Yes but before that you DID feel way way better.
Yeah, speaking of Metformin, stopping that could cause a m/c.
I still have to get up to pee during the night.
Yes, but less and with less urgency.
You were able to eat caramel today when sweets have been awful for you during pregnancy.
Yes but caramel has always been the only sweet you could handle pregnant and it was either with a tart apple or salty popcorn.
You have been able to handle sips of plain water.
Yes sips but still preferring lemon water or plain iced tea with lemon.
Smells have not been as awful.
Are you kidding me, you now think your dog smells like chicken noodle soup and your bed has a weird smell.
I haven't felt "as pregnant" as I was.
Again you stopped or drastically cut down a ton of hormones you were taking.
The baby looked great last time.
Yes but it was 11w3d not technically second trimester so things could have turned to shit.
You have an appointment on Tuesday.
Yes but with an NP who last time I saw her was the first one to see dead baby number two.
You are making a good memory with her.
But what if it turns out to be another bad one.
You have been feeling confident.
Yeah, how dumb can I be, it's like I am asking for it.
You are still having strange dreams.
Well even if the baby dies I still have tons of HCG floating around.
You still have a little bit of blood every time you blow your nose.
Again, you still have lots of hormone in ya no matter what the status.
I want this too much, too too much and that is always asking for it.
You wanted Bliss more than air and look at him now.
Yes, but maybe that was all I should ever ask for, I got my dream, asking for more is asking for it.
Oh Goddess I wish you would shut up.
Yeah, me too.

advice sought...

2008-10-09T22:13:00.001-03:00

I am looking for info/support. My RE told me to stop the heparin along with the other stuff at 12 weeks. He said if I wanted I could continue the heparin through the second trimester but it was not needed. He also ran many tests first to ease my mind.

I tested fine for the following tests.

Anticardiolipin Ab IgG Qn
Anticardiolipin Ab IgM Qn
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Protein S-Functional
Hemocyst(e)ine Plasma
Antithrombin Activity
Factor II Activity
Protein C-Functional

I am on High Folic Acid and high B-complex along with baby aspirin as well. I do not plan on stopping those.

So what I am looking for is anyone with experience stopping first trimester who tested negative, or even someone who stopped who didn't. I am only really nervous about stopping the Heparin. I have already stopped the estrogen and metformin and am tapering off the progesterone. I also stop the doxy this weekend.

I have no reason to be nervous about the heparin, and I am finishing what I have which is another 2 weeks worth, but I COULD refill for longer if I wanted.

So please, talk to me.

wtf...

2008-10-08T13:17:00.001-03:00

So remember the neighbor who told me she was pregnant and was so excited because she knew how excited I would be since I have been trying so long??

Well as I mentioned I told two neighbors. One being her mother who lives with her, she was out. Her mother is a sweet woman I really like. But. Her first comment after I told her?? She asked me if I was on a diet????? It is still bothering me. And did said pregnant neighbor or her husband say congrats anytime since I told her mother?

No.

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

Trying to end on a positive note I will say the other neighbor did me a favor and did my weed eating for me because of me being pregnant.

12 weeks...

2008-10-06T19:58:00.000-03:00

10 weeks ago today I had my retrieval that led to this pregnancy.

Today I am officially (developmentally) in the second trimester.

I spent this morning having a 1 hour GTTS. I had the tropical punch which was not bad, like too sweet Koolaid.

I took my last Metformin last night. I get to stop the estrogen patches also.

I will take PIO a couple weeks more but do not have to.

I am allowed to stop the Heparin but am still afraid to (will post more about this soon).

I have actually bought maternity clothes (ONLY because I literally had only one skirt that fit, nothing else AT ALL).

My next appointment is the 14th.

I have very strange dreams while pregnant.

I have actually told some"chosen family" friends and my neighbors. ACK!

I put a ticker on my iGoogle page and even that seems too much.

I am so very grateful to be here.

need to bitch...

2008-10-04T18:20:00.000-03:00

It has been over three and a half months since it has rained here. There may have been a night it sprinkled across town but seriously, three and a half months. Have I mentioned how much I love rain. It is the closest I get to having actual weather and it makes me feel renewed and lovely. I love walking in it, I love driving in it, I love listening to it.

I need rain.

So imagine my excitement when it said we were expecting a day and a half of rain that was to start last night.

Oh yes, we got something, but do not dare call it rain. It spit, and it seemed every time I ran outside to feel said spit it stopped. Overnight, long after I was asleep it may have even gotten up to a sprinkle because this morning the ground looked wet, not fully soaked but wet.

It was supposed to rain all day today. HA! It has not so much as dropped a drop.

I am pissed and feel cheated. And of course tomorrow it is expected to be sunny and in the upper 80's again.

UGH

I need to work on a rain dance or something because I am sorely in need of actual weather. I cannot wait to move, I am so over this never ending heat and dryness.

OK thanks for listening, bitch over.

for all the amazing women who made this possible....

2008-10-04T14:51:00.001-03:00

I wanted to take a moment to again say THANK YOU to all the amazing women who helped me make this possible. All of your contributions meant the world of difference and brought me to where I am today.

Last night I had the awesome honor of passing it forward and passing on all the extra meds I still have to another amazing women from our midst. It felt to good to hand over the rest of those magical meds and pass on some of the magic I had the privilege of experiencing myself.

So thank you, so very much, for allowing me the gift of receiving and the gift of giving.

11w3d...

2008-10-02T17:07:00.000-03:00

So I called to schedule my OBGYN appointment. I have an amazing OBGYN doc as well. Sadly one of our last visits was when we discovered my m/c about 2.5 years ago. It was also after we had seen a heartbeat and Bliss was in the room and saw it all and it was pretty awful.

So she is scheduled to go on vacation next week for the rest of the month and I sort of needed to see her before she gets back so they scheduled me for today. Well they told me she was full up and I politely asked that they say who it was and that I was 1 weeks pregnant and she fit me in. Again because she is awesome.

So I was a little nervous, but only because of memories, not truly for any other reason. She said "let's make a good memory" and I concurred. She did the u/s and I waited without looking and I thought I saw her smile a little but she was heavily concentrating. I asked if she saw a heartbeat and she was like "oh yes it looks good I am just having trouble getting the right view" and we know my uterus has been wonky this pregnancy. So anyhow she says all is good and turns the screen as she gets a good view and starts to take measurements. The u/s machine, while a normal office one, not a level II or anything, was a brand new one they just got and it was SUCH a clearer view from the clinic. And then I see the baby and the difference of just three days blew my mind!!!!!

The baby was dancing, non stop moving, kicking it's hands and legs, pulling it's hand to it's face. It was soooo amazing. It measured, easily, 11w5d which rocks in my book and it was the most wiggly thing. I had Bliss come over to see and he said "yeah I see, now can you fix this game on your phone mama?" Oh well!!!

So we talked and I have decided no first trimester screening, I would never have an amnio or a CVS so it is something she thinks is just not worth it. She does want me to have a 20 week anatomy scan and I said ok so long as the tech can be instructed to purposefully avoid detecting gender, she said who she works with can and has done that. She is also having me do an early Glucose Tolerance test since my weight is so high. That's fine. I am also to take daily bp measurements and keep a log, my bp was a bit elevated today but she said it was also likely due to nerves from being there again.

So all in all a very good visit and an unexpected surprise this early on.

Here is another pic of the lil one.

11w0d...

2008-09-29T21:46:00.000-03:00

I AM PREGNANT!!!

I am sure this sounds strange to hear at 11 weeks but it is how I feel.

I had the ultrasound today and all was well.

The baby was moving even with arms and legs.

I graduated from my clinic as well and everyone gathered around with lots and lots of hugs and a gift bag with 2 adorable onesies and 2 sets of infant hand covers, a teething necklace, a wrist rattle, a baby bottle (Bliss was given that to his delight) and a pretty baby development chart to fill in throughout the pregnancy. They were all so wonderful.

I feel like maybe I can start breathing now. Next week is the end of the first trimester and I also get to stop most the drugs I am on which I am hoping will help make me feel lots better.

Thanks so much for all the support from each and every one of you. Having people who "get it" makes such a huge difference.

ranting...

2008-09-25T13:21:00.000-03:00

I have been having a hard time this week.
It is not the worry so much.
I have been feeling like crap pretty much all week.
I have not thrown up, even once so far.
I just feel queasy and sick.
The best way to describe it is as if I am carsick, all the time.
Not enough to throw up, just enough to feel really gross and not be able to function very well.
I even get that ball in my throat like I am about to but it never happens.
I sat crying the other night trying to decide if I should make myself throw up or not.
I have always hated throwing up, but the worst part for me is always the part before, where you feel it coming and fight it and are not sure it will happen.
I feel like I am permanently in that space.
I eat the wrong thing and it is multiplied by 100.
I eat the right thing but 2 bites too much and the same thing.
Then one night it is not so bad, but the heartburn comes in it's place.
And the sad thing is when I wake up, first thing in the morning, I usually have a short time of feeling great.
And I worry every time when I feel good.
Such a fucking catch-22 and so irritating.

But here is the thing.

I worked so hard, and so long to get here.
I have been wishing, praying, begging, meditation, hoping to be here for years and years and year.
Finally I am here and I just feel crappy and miserable.
And I don't want to.
And then I think about the possibility of something going wrong and having to work for who knows how long to get pregnant again, to feel like shit again.
It has seriously messed with my head.

Just another thing that makes me feel cheated.

I am honestly ok for the most part.
I just need to vent this out because I have felt like censoring myself about this.
That whole don't bitch thing.
And that is just not me, and when I hold ANYTHING in it is never a good thing.

So that's my rant.

autumn...

2008-09-22T00:18:00.000-03:00

Tomorrow is the last day of summer and the first day of fall. The Autumnal Equinox happens here in California at about 3:22 tomorrow afternoon. I am very excited about this as I have been ready for fall since about June. This was our last summer in California and it was not too too hot but I have just really been ready for cooler weather.

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I love making fall foods and I love anything harvest oriented. My favorite colors are fall colors, and I am so looking forward to some rain, any rain. I cannot even remember the last time we had any rain.

Tomorrow is also 10 weeks. I do not have any u/s scheduled until next week so I am trying to just keep breathing and staying positive and calm and get through. Tomorrow also marks another 2ww. I started one last week for the next u/s which is now a week away but tomorrow is the start of the 2ww until the end of the first trimester. I am focusing on getting to the u/s first though as that is all I really can deal with.

I am feeling appropriately crappy and good. I am going to post a picture of my best friend now, thanks to Mrs. Spock.

Lemons have saved my life. It is so sad too because at present in my local grocery store they are 89 cents a piece. But worth every penny. I am once again able to chug water so long as it has lemon in it. It has made me feel MUCH better for sure.

I am still having severe bloating problems starting in the afternoon. I am trying to really limit bread right now. I starting making bread this past two weeks for the first time ever, thanks again to inspiration from Mrs. Spock and Melissa, and quickly found it was adding immensely to the bloating so that is on hold until I can get off this damn Metformin.

I am in good spirits though and am taking Bliss to Bouncetown tomorrow, followed by a trip to the store to get Rice Krispy Treats ingredients as he asked if we could make them and I am more than happy to. I doubt I will have any but I am just loving cooking with him. I also made beef stew this past week. I just could not wait for cool weather and autumn to be here. It was sooo yummy. I am so ready to have rain and make the years first batch of Butternut Squash soup too.

So I am ok, just chugging along and trying not to think too much and trying to make it to a place where I feel some real hope and joy. I do think I am edging closer.

the next day...

2008-09-17T22:48:00.000-03:00

I have had no spotting or even tinging today.

I am very happy and feel much better about that.

I have felt pretty crappy all day but I am also happy with that.

I feel like I do better in the mornings than the evenings but today it was kind of all day and after eating which sucked.

I am also having fluid issues. I have always loved water, it is honestly my favorite thing to drink of all time. I adore water. I have been drinking huge ice cold glasses of it all day long, at least a gallon a day, sometimes closer to 2. Suddenly a few days ago I could not drink water. I made some bubbly water with my soda maker and that was ok and I have been drinking that. Then that was icky yesterday. I tried lemonade but that was only good for about 2 sips. Milk had been great for me especially in mornings and evenings but that has suddenly been not ok because of the burps and making me sick when I burp milk. I made some iced decaf coffee and that was good for a bit, but not something I want more than a rarity. I drink the bubbly and small cups of plain throughout the day because I refuse not to drink water while pregnant but it is not very good.

I miss water, plain cold water. I want to be able to down 20 ounces in a sip. I know it will come back, and to be honest any symptom is a welcome one, but I still miss water.

9w1d... (updated)

2008-09-16T14:00:00.000-03:00

I am having spotting.

It was light pink late yesterday. I assumed it was from the wanding.
It is a bit more today, brownish red now.

UPDATE:

It hasn't gotten worse. Mostly it seems gone or a light tinge. Doc says he thinks it really is the wanding because it was so hard to get a good view. He also gave me things to watch out for.
I am not totally freaking out or anything but I certainly wish I was not having this either.

I am taking it easy and trying to just be calm.

Thanks so much for all the support.

9w0d...

2008-09-15T16:38:00.000-03:00

I just got back from my u/s. I was really freaked out the past 2 days so I couldn't even look. He found the hear beat right away and told me so I could relax but my heart rate was ridiculous.

The baby is measuring 8w6d which I am fine with. He had a hard time getting a good view again so I am more than OK with the measurement. The heart rate was 196 which has me a little freaked out but he said he wasn't worried. he said between my high heart rate and adrenaline it was likely cause and effect. He also said he only ever saw problems with low heart rates not high ones. I am still a little worried but my heart rate was way over 100.

Oh I almost forgot, I also asked if the baby should be moving. he said at this stage they usually move every 20 minutes or so, and then we saw it move. It moved again a few minutes later. The doc was really pleased with that and said it was a great sign that we got to see it move. It did this lil wiggle.

He also said that I could come back in 2 weeks for another u/s and if all was well THEN I would graduate. He knows me so well. I was so not ready to graduate today.

I am not sure how I will get through the next two weeks, but I will try. In the meantime he is allowing me to get a progesterone check and a thrombophilia panel. he wants me to stop the heparin after the first trimester but I want the panel to check things first. I have not been tested before so it will make me feel better. If something comes up I can always stay on it throughout the pregnancy.

After the next u/s it will only be a week until the second trimester which makes me happy. He also said Oct. 5 I could stop the Vivelle patches, the Metformin, and the PIO. Truthfully I am most looking forward to stopping the Metformin. I get awful bloating on it.

I still hate that I get no joy from the first trimester, I hate how RPL steals that from you. I need to come to terms with it but it is so hard.

proud mama... (updated)

2008-09-12T22:19:00.000-03:00

I just had a super proud mama moment. Bliss and I were watching an old Tom and Jerry (I am still on the fence on many of these) and it was one where Jerry and Nibbles were Musketeers. Anyhow at the end Jerry puts Nibbles over his knee and spanks him and Bliss asked "why is Jerry raising and lowering his hand like that?" I said he was spanking Nibbles and it wasn't nice and before I could say any more he asked "what is spanking?" I first gave him a big kiss and then I explained it was not nice and it was hitting.

I very rarely went a day of my childhood without being spanked and often they turned into full out beatings. Especially if I didn't cry and cower enough for their liking. I am so very proud my child does not even know what spanking is, it makes me cry but the tears are happy tears because he is growing up unaware of something that was so very damaging to my psyche and soul and caused me so much pain emotionally for so many many years and so much self hate for so long.

I am just so proud my almost 6 year old does not know the meaning of that word in any way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like I need to add. Never spanking my child has never been hard for me. The idea of striking my child is horrendous and unfathomable to me in every way. Breaking the cycle of abuse was much more about stopping abusing myself as I had been than of not abusing my child. I am just so happy he doesn't even know the meaning of the word, that beyond never experiencing it first hand, he has never experienced it second or third hand either.

8w0d...

2008-09-08T17:24:00.000-03:00

GOOD NEWS!!!!!

The docs wife came in just to see me for this u/s and everyone gathered. They were doing retrievals today so I had to wait an hour which NEVER happens there.

Doc was wanting good news as much as I was I swear. He saw the heartbeat right away and the embryo was much easier to get a good view of than last time.

He took a measurement and it was 8w1d!!!!!!!!! That is 9 days growth in 6 days!!!!! I was over the freaking moon!!! I had them go get Bliss who was playing in the truck with roomie and he came in and was overwhelmed too, he was so happy. He got to hear the heart beat too. The heart beat was 176 up from 131 last week. Doc said this is perfect for week 8 and it will go down a little week 9 and 10. Let me know if you know of that too because it is my only niggle of paranoia.

He took pics of the embryo and of the heart beating for me and everyone was outside the room to give big hugs after.

FINALLY some good news. Everyone was so pulling for us, for this.

I go back next Monday for another u/s but this is the furthest I have gotten besides Bliss with a pregnancy. All m/c's the embryo stopped growing in the 6th and 7th week so this is a huge relief.

I feel like I can breathe some for the first time in literally years. I am still a bit tentative but oh so much more relieved.

My nose continues to drive me crazy and my tummy feels yucky much of the second half of the day which I am thrilled about.

I will very shortly have not even one item of clothing that fits and all of it, I am thrilled.

Now I just need to work of more breathing, letting it sink in, and trying to remain calm and positive. I also need a nap.

cookies...

2008-09-05T23:16:00.000-03:00

When I was pregnant with Bliss I was turned off of sweets pretty quickly into it. Chocolate especially but almost all sweets were a big turn off. If I tried a bite it was too rich, too sweet and tasted icky. Sometimes caramel was ok but rarely.

This pregnancy has been like that lately too. I can have a small amount of peach ice cream if it is with fresh peaches or nectarines to cut the sweetness. I can have a lil caramel capp ice cream, or even sometimes a decaf iced caramel macchiato, but I can only drink a little then I save it for the next day.

Bliss and I made chocolate chip cookies last week. I make em small and they last quite a while, and he loves them as does roomie and me normally. I had two the day we made them and none since. They are almost gone and Bliss can have 2 or 3 after lunch or dinner. They are about the size of a silver dollar. Anyhow today I gave him some with lunch and he ate two over a long time. One after lunch and one he saved for much later.

Well, can I please explain the quease the smell of these is causing me (yes I created that word). My son kisses me a lot, I kiss him a lot. Today at one point I was getting up to go pee and he asked for 189 kisses and I obliged, of course, before I could go. We are a kissy pair for sure. But, every time I kissed him after he ate the cookie I gagged.

I got him strawberries and orange and mini rice cakes for a late afternoon snack and still could smell the faint scent of the cookies.I told him about it and said he might have to eat them away from me tomorrow or the next day. He laughed and said ok. But oh my gosh, I came really close to tossing my cookies today.

Yay me. I will take that symptom and cheer!!!

two lost hours and the littlest pea...

2008-09-04T23:49:00.000-03:00

Today is better.
Thanks so much for all the support, for all the understanding and validation.
As always, it really helps.
It is amazing the power of "being heard" has on one's psyche, on healing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now I want to take a moment to discuss 2 hours of my life I will never get back.

I have pretty much outlined what new shows I am interested in checking out this fall season. Thanks to Cali's great post with links to a great guide I went through it all and made my pics. I have been adding shows as they become available to my Tivo schedule (btw I ended up fixing my broken Tivo because that new system was so crap).

So I have my list and then J over at Cheese and Whine, who I happen to ADORE, writes the most random post. I am not sure why it struck me so, but it was truly the last thing I EVER expected to read from her. And so I thought to myself, maybe there is something to this new show. I mean surely if J loved it there must be SOMETHING to the new 90210. So I taped it and last night I sat down to watch it after Bliss was fast asleep.

And here is the thing. Was it awful? No, I wouldn't say that. Did I used to watch the original show? Yup, sure did. Was it interesting to see some old faces? Yes it was. Was it cast well? It seems to be.

But I am just not sure I am up for pseudo high school shows anymore. I say pseudo because it is so fantasy and the actors are so beyond that age just like they were in the original series. But I am either too old now or too much a fuddy duddy, I just cannot see wasting an hour weekly to watch people be cruel and vapid and shallow and mean. Especially not people portraying kids.

So it is 2 hours I won't get back. I hold J personally responsible but the whole time I was chuckling. Late last night roomie came into my room and asked what the heck I was watching. I told her how J had raved about it and shocked the hell out of me with her raving so now I was forced to watch it and she just laughed. I think I got a bigger kick out of watching it for that reason more than anything else.

So thanks J.

anger... (updated at bottom)

2008-09-02T23:24:00.000-03:00

I am angry now
angry that it just can't go easy
that is can't just be some fucking good news
angry that I don't get to enjoy this beginning time being pregnant
for someone whose only wish is to have another child I finally achieve pregnancy after tons of time anguish and money and all I get is worry and fear
sure I do my best and get from day to day staying in the now being positive and all that crap
but crap is what it is
I am pissed off
why can't this just happen
why can't this just go smoothly
why can't I not fear another loss, another broken heart another devastation
I am pissed off at being short changed
I am pissed off at being cheated
and now I feel like I am pulling back, pulling away from the connection I have had to my uterus
because of fucking fear
because I can't help it even when I consciously work to not do that
because it hurts
because this is all to fucking familiar in the worst possible way
and when I went into the clinic today the front desk woman, who I adore btw, asked me how I was
I said I was terrified and she asked why
she fucking asked me why??????????????????????
I calmly explained while my insides screamed at her to wake the fuck up
5 pregnancies 1 child all made it past heartbeats heard
hello????
and I know it isn't her I am pissed at but I want someone to be pissed at
and for once I want to not be pissed at me
because Bliss deserves to have his parent not hating herself right now, or ever, and I worked hard to let all that crap go before I had him
so I want to be pissed at someone or something
and then the anger and all the frustration just turn to tears
as usual
and I am back to sad

UPDATED TO ADD: How nice to realize this is my 300th post.

7w1d...

2008-09-02T13:58:00.000-03:00

I wish I had fantastic new to report. As it stands I have more waiting, as usual.

The u/s started after some tears and the doc had a heck of a time seeing well, apparently my uterus is tipped at the moment. He said he saw a heartbeat but he took a preliminary measurement of 6w4d which would be pretty much no chance considering I am 7w1d.

He then tried doing abdominal u/s which was no more clear. I ran and peed again and came back and he got a little better view. this time he got a 6w6d measurement that he felt better about. It is still 2 days behind however. Last pregnancy, with the twins, was measuring 3 days behind and then they were gone.

We did get a heart rate this time which was 131 which is good. I am not, however, feeling joyful or excited. I have had so many pregnancies that this has happened, none of them have turned out well. I know this can very much be fine, but it could also not be. There is no comfort yet beyond the mere gratitude of being pregnant.

I will also be honest and admit that there only being one is a bit heartbreaking in and of itself. Selfish likely, but how i feel.

I go back next Monday for another u/s and we shall know more then.

He did a lot of analyzing the last time and saying he thought the yolk sac and gestational sac looked better this time but he also was aware there was just not going to be any sense of relief today.

So I wait, again.

I appreciate so much all of your support, I wish so badly I could give more hopeful news. I am pretty down right now but trying to be ok. Bliss is trying to but he is worried as well. It is hard when you have a child so aware, but as he says, "if the baby stops growing we just have to try again."

early morning...

2008-09-02T11:45:00.000-03:00

I have really done so well until now. Now I am about 30 minutes from leaving for the u/s and my heart rate is climbing upwards. I am trying to breathe, oh my gosh I am trying to breathe, but it is so hard.

First thing out of Bliss's mouth after our good morning ritual was "when do we leave."

It is so hard to will yourself to be calm in moments like this.

So I am breathing and sipping cold water and trying to calm myself to no avail.

I will write as soon as I get home.

30dp5dt...

2008-09-01T13:06:00.000-03:00

Today is 7 weeks exactly.
Tomorrow is the ultrasound.
I am all over the place on how I feel.
I am terrified.
I am nervous.
I even have some hope which probably what makes me the most scared.
A little part of me feels this could be it and that terrifies me.
I am trying to remain calm and just go about my day.
I am trying to be in this moment and not think about it.
I am all over the place, truly.
I wish I could sleep the day away and wake up and have it be tomorrow.
I am holding each and every one of your hands right now, squeezing them way too hard.
Sorry about that.
Thanks though.

my politics...

2008-08-29T15:02:00.000-03:00

I am catching up with the DNC and I wrote this post the other night. I have hesitated on posting it because I do not write much in depth about my personal politics on this blog. I feel passionately about this but it is still difficult to post here. I have decided I cannot NOT post it so here it is.

I just watched Michelle Obama's speech. In tears of course. And the thing I kept being struck with was how she still believed in the United States of America.

First off I will say I do like Obama, a lot, I have always been his supporter for this election, from before he even declared he was running. I think he is the best chance for this country for sure. I will be casting my vote this November for him. But here is the thing, this country, I do not believe in it any more. And I do not say this lightly. I say this with sad pain and tears.

I say this knowing that many many of my fellow countrymen do not believe I am an equal citizen. Obama does not even believe I am an equal citizen worth equal rights under the law. I say this knowing that many of my fellow countrymen believe it is ok to bomb other countries for possessing the exact weapons of mass destruction we have in abundance, and ok to bomb countries with lies saying they have such weapons even though it is only for the oil they rightfully own.

I say this knowing that greed, machismo, selfishness, and violence are lauded here while feeling, and helping those less fortunate or who have had less opportunities is considered weak. I say this knowing that education is not a priority, that even supplying enough books to classrooms takes a back seat to building new sports arena's and padding local politicians pockets.

I say it looking at how we became this country, at how we treated this land and those who inhabited it long before we did and how we still treat those people today. I say it knowing how we treat the land still and how we tell ourselves we are the center of the universe from our little sheltered bubble of ignorance and intolerance.

I grew up extremely patriotic. The 4th of July was our biggest holiday in our home and becoming old enough to vote was equal to getting to drive. But it was a rhetoric kind of patriotism that our current president lives for and my pathetically racist, homophobic, intolerant father preached from birth to disownment.

I woke up, finally, and spent many years working for just causes trying hard to cleanse my karma for my sadly brainwashed childhood and early adulthood. I grew wiser and more aware and had hope for change and gave my time and energy to help create that change.

But then I had a child, a male child, and everything changed. I became so acutely aware how much less of a person I was considered here. I became acutely aware how much of a real possibility that there would be more war mongering idiots in positions of power and making my son serve in a war in the future.

I didn't want to raise my kid where his mother was viewed as less than from the get to. I didn't want to raise my son where he could be forced to kill innocent people for profit. I didn't want to raise him where all the things I was repulsed by the most were considered virtues.

And I lost faith in this country. So I did the work and have got the immigration papers and very soon will leave this country. But it hurts, and it is sad and it is not always easy.

better ..

2008-08-28T15:35:00.000-03:00

I am doing better today. yesterday and today I woke up from having very strange dreams which made me feel much better.

Yesterdays dream included being at my clinic at 7am and being told I was supposed to be there the night before at 7pm. I said no one had called and I had this time written down and they said no no no but the transfer will wait but we will still do your hearing test????? The waiting room was packed (never happens at my clinic) and some random lady told me I had to wait until after them because I only had to pay $65??? Can you say random? I loved it, it was reassuring.

Then today I awoke from having a dream I was in a grocery store in New Jersey discussing pregnancy of multiples and parenting beliefs with Bon Jovi. His wife was there in line and apparently I knew her and had been around for her pregnancy with twins. I was currently pregnant with twins in that dream. So, another very random dream. I do not usually remember dreams except when pregnant so it felt good.

I want to thank everyone so much for all the kind words and the amazing energy pouring in from all over. It really does help. Hearing each of you tell me you are here and will sit here with me and hold my hand through this.....well I start crying every time I hear it. It just means so much. I have spent a large portion of my life without many there for me and this means so very much, so thank you, each of you, from the bottom of my very emotional heart.

Roomie got a freak day off today and we are getting ridiculously expensive pizza and planning on watching Nim's Island. It should be good times. It will be over 105 degrees here today so staying inside sounds like the best bet. I cannot wait for fall. Only 25 more days and 12 more hours until Autumn is upon us, I have been counting down.

CLARIFICATION: I do not even listen to Bon Jovi, at all, although I will admit there were a few times when younger when I rocked to "Dead or alive."

sigh...

2008-08-26T17:25:00.000-03:00

I am having a hard time today.

I feel like I cannot tell if I am feeling pregnant in my uterus or feeling the mass lump in my abdomen from the heparin shots. It may sound silly but it has caused a lot of crying today.

Pee sticks don't tell squat, sure they get darker but an empty sac can still have a rising hcg level.

I feel like I don't have the nose sensitivity anymore and the heartburn is barely there.

I feel so afraid of yet another loss. This is my fifth pregnancy and I have one child, I have lost 5 children (one twin pregnancy loss) and all have been lost after heartbeats which means an early u/s will not really give me much peace..

I need to go in at 7w1d and see normal growth (hopefully) and have that be a little relief and then have two more weeks of normal growth u/s's to finally give me some peace.

I feel like I still have so far to go before I can truly begin to be excited or happy and yet I am trying so hard to be right now in the moment and happy.

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next 7 days without being a big crying mess.

I want this soooo badly, so so so so badly.