random thought/theory of the day ...

Firstly I am feeling way better today. I have had yucky cramps and am bleeding still but my mood is sooooo much better. The anger yesterday was honestly a hormonal thing. I once experienced it when on some powerful anti-inflammatory drugs. I was well aware it was irrational the whole day but helpless to change it. Anyhow today I feel calm and mellow and all around ok. THANK GODDESS!!!!!!!

OK, on to the title. I have what you would call a very active and very talkative mind. It never shuts up. The best I get during meditation is a whisper and that is huge. I have these strange random thoughts all the time along with the neurotic ones, the negative ones, and the total fantasy daydream ones. It is kind of like layers of thoughts going on all at once.

So the random ones sometimes have interesting (read strange) little theories and I thought I would start sharing them with you dear readers.

I also decided this because this is my 200th post.

So I have this theory that no one has a bigger index finger than their nostril. Big nostrils, big index finger. I also worry some poor people have had plastic surgery only to later find out, to their horror, they can no longer pick their noses.

If you are wondering how I came up with this theory, one way was with Bliss asking me to pick his nose quite often. I explain I cannot as it will not fit but it DID get me thinking.

Anyhow this may also give you all a small glimpse into the scariness that is my mind.

Thanks also for all the great support lately, it has meant so much as it always does.

irrational anger...

The bleeding has pretty much stopped. The research I did on withdrawal bleeding is basically my hormones dropped out causing a massive bleed. Not a true period but at the same time. A withdrawal is technically what you have during the off week on BCP as well.

Today all I have mainly is just stringy mucus, not like CM, more like, well I am not sure. It is loooooong and clear with tinge of blood and comes out in super long strings. I have been having rough cramps though.

The main problem is I am angry. For no reason. It is sooo hormonally induced. It is this kind of seething rage where I want to go off at anyone and everyone for absolutely anything. It has been so bad I have been trying to stay in my room and avoid everyone. This is not easy with a little one. I explained what was going on but it is just not a concept he can really understand. My poor roomie has been yelled at all day. I keep explaining it is just irrational feelings from hormones but it has been a very tense and uncomfortable day for everyone to say the least.

I was trying to fix something on Bliss's computer this evening and it kept coming unplugged and turning off. It is my old laptop and the plug has to be duct taped on and the battery holds no charge. Well after the third time going though the whole process and it turning off I took it, closed, and threw it on the floor hard. I was sitting and it was carpeted, but when turned back on there is only a half screen working. I am sooo remorseful and irritated at myself. I apologized profusely and he was great as usual. I told him this was why a person should not act out in anger.

Needless to say I am now needing to get another computer. This was planned for this past x-mas but with the IVF failure and whatnot I had decided to postpone. I guess now I am not.

I was planning on getting a Mac, finally. I have some closing questions for all you Mac Heads out there. I use a laptop usually, but only at home. I only ever move it on occasion. I am thinking of getting an iMac from the Apple Store. It is refurbished and a great price. Can you move it relatively easy?? Secondly is the extended plan really worth it? I never get them for PC's but that is because PC's are not worth it. Lastly .mac, is it worthwhile? I would really like to backup away from home without worrying my flash drive will crash. I would also really like to store pics someplace other than disks.

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

cd1 fun.... (updated)

WARNING: THIS POST IS GRAPHIC AND BLOODY

I have been very lightly spotting for the past week, so light it only showed when I wiped. A couple days ago I started breaking out and had a few light cramps. I thought maybe this was it, I would just have this barely there period. My doc said it could go either way. I POAS Wed. morning and though still a line it has faded a lot since the week before.

Today I was putting something together for Bliss when suddenly I felt a gush. I ran, legs squeezed, to the bathroom and didn't even fully make it. I was hemorrhaging like a river. I felt no contractions but it was coming out in spurts. For lack of a better example it was like vomiting, uncontrollable and in waves. I had jumped in the tub to better keep an eye of the clots I was losing and I wasn't up for toilet fishing. All the blood was very bright red. I continued to flow, like a river non-stop, except for the waves of clots that would spurt out. At one point I looked down and saw a 5 inch wide sheet of a clot and then I called the doc.

The RE clinic today is doing transfers so it is crazy busy, I left word what was up and got off the phone and out of the bathtub when there seemed to be a lull. I put in a Divacup (I use it and love it) and went to find my iron tabs. About 10 minutes later I felt the overflow and ran back to the bathroom. I took the overflowing cup out (it holds 2 ounces) and my cupped hand was filled with a fist sized clot. I was flowing blood over it for about 15 seconds. I waited about 15 minutes for the latest flood to slow and then cleaned up again, replaced the cup and went to try and fix some food.

During this time I got a call, I thought it was the RE so I answered but it was a cousin calling to tell me she gave birth yesterday. I oohed and ahhed and got all the details and then hung up shaking my head at the irony from my very obviously anemic state.

I ate meat and greens and some POM with soda water and then after another 25 or so minutes I had overflowed again. After that cleanup the docs wife called to say I should start my BCP today and take one every 4 hours until this subsides.

At this point the cramps start, which makes no sense but whatever. The came fast and hard. I took a darvocet thinking it would be enough and went to take a shower and bath to relax and clean up more thoroughly. The entire shower/bath (40 minutes) I kept passing clots, now smaller, and bleeding on and off. I got out, the cramps still bad, took the first BCP, took a second darvocet (my Rx says 1-2 every 3-4 hours) and laid down.

Happy CD1 to me. Or not, not sure now.

Update: Bleeding has slowed, clot passage has slowed. The pain meds kicked in and I feel MUCH better. I even made Bliss mini blueberry muffins, at his request of course. I tried to stay laying down but not so possible with him, but we are taking it easy.

My doc just emailed me he thinks it was the last of what he calls the "withdrawl bleed" which apparently maybe isn't my period so now I am still confused. He did say we should be able to move forward now though and "focus on the future" so hopefully this is all good.

fyi...

If you have me on your blogroll please let me know so I can add you to mine. Every once in a while I come across a blog and see my blog, which is always a thrill truth be told, and then I feel bad I didn't know.




In other news Easter was fun, Bliss hunted for around 65 eggs and had a blast. My fingers are finally fading from egg dying. I ate all the junk and candy until I was junk and candied out. We had a really sweet and wonderful day.

One day this week it was warm enough for hosing around as seen above.

Today I start eating well again. My goal is mainly protein and fruit or veggies with healthy grains a few times a week. Sunday's are to be free for all days. I am also hoping to slowly work on portion control this week so next week portions will be sensible and I will start the Metformin again next week.

mourning...

I don't really know where to start so bear with me.
I was reflecting on Bri's pain being especially acute this year on the anniversary of her mothers passing on March 17. This being her child's first year it stands to reason it would bring up a lot. I also remembered that Rosie O'Donnell's mother passed on her birthday which is also March 17. I was overcome with grief and began to cry in earnest. I started to ask myself why.

The thing is, my mother is very much alive in good health as far as I know. But I have not seen nor spoken to her in over 10 years. I was disowned when my father found out I was gay, my mother already knew. I have the only grandchild. I send pictures etc. I have even gotten an e-card twice that said nothing personal but was sent. Calls are not tolerated. I speak with my aunt, her sister, but even that is hard for me at times because all the the family has accepted it or chosen to ignore it in some way. I could never, ever do this to my child.

I was raised in a very abusive household. I doubt I would see my father even if he wanted to as a result. But my mother, it is so complicated. She abused too, she allowed a ton of abuse, bigotry, racism, and other atrocities to go on in our home. She was complicit. As I get older, as I parent longer I excuse less. I forgive less I guess. I see her more clearly in a way I suppose.

But the thing is, the kicker, is that I am left in a perpetual state of mourning someone who is there. It is so difficult for me. It guts me when Bliss asks why he can't see his grandma. It kills me when I cannot show my son pictures of me growing up. It kills me that I have lost my mother, even though she is there, and it never gets closure.

I imagine it feels somewhat similar, some fraction of the continuous pain Bri and Rosie must feel.

It hurts.

spring...

Happy Vernal Equinox

needing advice... (Updated 3 times)

I took an HPT today. OF COURSE I got two immediate fucking lines. When you don't want them they come. SO I am trying to decide if I should go in for a blood test or not. It was planned for tomorrow and part of me says screw it, until there is no line it isn't worth it. My concern is that if it is still up at the 1000 range then something is amiss, but if it is at 100 or so then all is moving on down. Any thoughts?

UPDATE #1 I spoke with docs wife and she agreed I should go ahead and go in today. It was on our way to the movie theater to see Horton Hears a Who. I am now waiting for the results. I will update again when I get them. BTW the movie was adorable and Bliss adored it.

UPDATE #2 I just got the call. My number is now 253. Not awful, not great. We decided to test again when I get my period or in 2 weeks whichever comes first. It would be due next week if things were back on a 4 week schedule. We shall see.

UPDATE #3 The doctor called me this afternoon. We spoke for about 40 minutes. We went over every one of my neurosis derived questions and every other legit one I had. I feel way way better than I did about things. I now feel as if I am doing all the things I need to be to give myself the best odds. I also have a few areas I used to stress about that I am not longer concerned about, mainly because I learned there are some things that medicine has no control over. That helps to know. There is no use stressing over wishing I could up my antral follicle count if that is not a possibility. My egg to follicle ratio is stellar and that is all I can hope for. I wish I would have tons of antral follicles leading to tons of eggs but at 40, almost 41, it is just not to be for me.

I am also OK with doing the BCP again. The doc thinks I should be a go for an April IVF with how things seem now. My number dropped enough for him to think it will zero out in the next 2-3 weeks. My period is likely to happen next week and he said to get another blood HCG level done after I get my period and have been on BCP for a week. I start BCP on day 3 of the cycle. So while I would still love things to be lower things seem pretty on target.

I did mention to him that I want my twins back and he said he would like to see that happen for me. He is a very sweet man and i am lucky to have him in my corner. I hung up with him and had a cry just because it is all so emotional. I am OK though and just hope all goes OK for the April IVF.

the feast, day two...

So I had warmed and buttered Irish Soda Bread for breakfast along with some bites of cherry pie, with coffee of course.

For lunch I made some fresh french fries in my fryer. That Alexia Yukon Gold Fries with Sea Salt are incredible every time, and every single fry is perfect. Fries are my weakness for the record. Anyhow I then used THIS site to make the most awesome Reuben sandwiches ever. They really did turn out restaurant style. We also had really great dill pickles and some awesome coleslaw I picked up at the market. The sauerkraut and the pickles were Bubbies brand I got at Whole Foods and were amazing. My roomie grew up in New York in Hell's Kitchen and swears the pickles were just like she used to get on 13th Ave. for what it's worth.

After lunch and a long break I had some cherry pie ala mode and now I am over stuffed and aching.

I DID mow the front yard which made me feel a little bit better. I even got some sun on me. I took a shower after and felt the pinkness when I got out.

I am planning on starting back to the treadmill and better, smaller portioned eating in the next week. I have a Spring Equinox (not Christian so it isn't really an Easter thing) dinner planned of Ham and mashed potatoes with fresh veggies but that will be my last indulgence for a while. I am just too sick of my weight right now. Sometimes I think I am slowly suffocating myself in my own fat. I know that is sick sounding but it is how I feel sometimes.

Anyhow I am definitely in better spirits this week. The making an effort to get out and get sun and get a bit more active does help. I also got over 5 hours sleep last night which helps a ton.

I got some beautiful daffodils for free from my local market yesterday They were a thank you for being a great customer gift. They were closed even. Today they are open and just amazing so I thought I would post a pic. They just scream sunshine and Spring.

the feast, day one...

I have made many a corned beef and cabbage meals and this year is by FAR the best I have ever made. First off getting the corned beef from Whole Foods, while absurdly expensive, was just amazing. Truly awesome. It was there own ones they corned. Next I decided to slow cook it. It was more out of a need to make things easier but it made it just wonderful. I also used some new spices this year for cooking. I used garlic cloves, black and white peppercorns, allspice corns, mustard seeds, juniper berries, whole cloves, bay leaves, and the rind of one orange. It made it yummy. I also got organic multi-colored carrots which were yummy AND fun. I did both red and green cabbage and potatoes of course. I also got some amazing, and so bad for me, peppered thick cut bacon from the store the other day. They were handing out samples they had cooked off and it was just so good it was impossible not to buy some. Bliss LOVED that and mostly had that with fruit although he said he liked the corned beef. .It was all just so delicious it was astounding. The dogs got the fat layer which was heaven for them.

I also had pear cider with the meal which was just right. I also had some blood orange sparkling juice for Bliss so we could all do "cheers" with our meal. We have three acrylic wine/champagne glasses for just that. Bliss has the flute and roomie and I have a regular wine glass one each and we all do cheers at holidays without worry of breakage. Bliss loves it.

After the meat was done this morning I took it out and covered it. I saw how much it has shrunk (way way more than I am used to, but for that flavor who cared) and I was worried we would not have enough for the sandwiches tomorrow. I ran off to the market and got a fresh cooked one there that they sliced thin for me for tomorrow. It isn't a Whole Foods one but is a perfect one for the Reubens. It was also nice not to have to cook another and drag out the slicer after it cooled. I also got to be really picky about thickness of the slice.

Lastly I made a homemade cherry pie. It turned out just perfect which is always nice.

magic...

FYI the Magic 8 ball to the side, just enter any name and leave the rest blank and it will still give you your answer.

for fun...

trudging along...

I am doing a bit better. Thanks so much for all the kind encouragement. It got dark for a bit. I am just not feeling ok still. I get cramps on and off and spot here and there. Yesterday I passed so clotty-ish stuff again. I also am just either bitchy or crying or overreacting it seems. Roomie picked up the wrong potato salad the other day and you would have thought she lost my dog. It is just ridiculous.

I do have a plan for getting better in my head. I am not really in the mood to go into it but I can at least envision getting better which is positive.

In other news I am planning on making a nice Irish meal for St. Patty's day this weekend. I decided to do the corned beef and cabbage meal on Sunday and then do Reuben Sandwiches on Monday this year. I love me a good sandwich. I am also looking forward to the Irish Soda Bread from Whole Foods. It is so incredible and you can only get it once a year. I have made my own but theirs is so amazing. I am not sure I have ever mentioned it, but I am mostly Irish in all of my "mutt-ness" and I always feel obligated to celebrate this day at least cooking the traditional foods. I also feel as if I must have at least one drink as well. I am MORE than fine with that this year with what's going on. I just cannot really do the traditional Irish drink. I cannot handle Whiskey or Beer. I somehow doubt I would like Mead or Poitin (can anyone tell I was looking up Irish drinks yesterday?). I will likely either have a pear cider, which I do enjoy, or I will stick with my usual Margarita or Champagne.

I think it is pretty obvious I am looking for distractions and this is one. I have also taken half a mg of Ativan the last three nights before bed to try and get to sleep early so as not to spend the night crying and awake. I find it interesting I am crying more now than when I found out. I am still trying to let the emotions come and flow through, but I cannot keep up the staying up half the night thing and expect to do ok during the day. It has helped a bit. I really think the HCG not being at zero yet has messed with me the most. It is like it has postponed me being able to move on and that has really fucked with my psyche.

I am really hoping as soon as I zero out I will truly have a fresh outlook on all of this, or at least be able to focus on the next cycle.

...

I am down today, and pissed off. I just feel like I am being this crappy mother all because I am trying to be a good mother and instead of being that I am short tempered and have no patience. All the while I am so painfully aware of how lucky I am to have him and of how utterly amazing he is as a being. He puts up with so much from me and usually always with a kiss and a telling me how much he loves me and then I go and yell at him for such stupid shit all because I am so devastated I cannot give him a sibling. This just fucking sucks so badly and I just want out of this limbo hell, but I cannot not give him family and siblings. I was disowned. I know how awful the pain is of having no family there and wanting it so badly. I will not be around forever and I want him to have family he grows up with knowing unconditional from and with. And in the meantime I am shit for all and a bitch to the most amazing being I have ever met.

ARGH this is just so damn fucking hard.

questions and numbers...

I have some burning questions for the blog world.

When counting IVF's there does not seem to be a set correct way. Some count each IVF and each FET as an IVF, some do not. I will be having my second IVF and my third cycle with the RE.
So do I count it as my second or third?? I am interested in input on this and the reasoning behind it.

I have been reading some articles arguing better responses with non-BCP IVF cycles except in the case of over responders. Has anyone any information on this? I was ok with my response during my last IVF but I did wish my left ovary had produced the same amount, at least, as the right one oo I am interested in others experiences with BCP cycles vs. non-BCP cycles.

I got my HCG done today to see where it is at. It is at 1012. Not nearly as low as I would like obviously but what can you do. This is just another really irritating example of just how little power or control I have over this whole process. I have not totally even stopped bleeding yet so I guess I should not be surprised. I have to get another HCG in 2 weeks and then we will see where I am at. Any reassuring stories of how your numbers went down smoothly and/or within a month would be awesome.

clarifying...

I feel like I should clarify my last post. I do not censor here on my blog, truly I don't. I just would end up bringing up things that I have gone through that would make things awkward. Kind of like when you don't feel like mentioning your infertility because you know it will invite others to say all those things you really do not like to hear. So if I bring up past abuse for example it puts it out there and I am past it and really don't want to re-hash it here.

Then why bring it up you ask? Well that is my whole problem, I am this open book sort and will bring up a whole plethora of stuff I have experienced, but then inevitably I end up spending the next hour or day trying to make others feel comfortable for my own life experiences.

Anyhow enough of this I just wanted to clarify.

in which a meme does not get done...

First off the movie yesterday was wonderful. I loved it. I enjoyed it way more than anyone else for sure. Bliss spent most of the time climbing on my head and back and making loud shrill sounds "because he can." It was fine though, I was occupied for 2 hours with a very sweet, very magical film that I loved.

On to the meme thing.

I DO NOT DO MEME'S PEOPLE!!!



I made a decision long ago not to do them. Until yesterday I had never been tagged and then BAM I get tagged and then I get an email from a friend with a meme inside. Then today I got tagged again.

Here is the thing. Have any of you ever met a person who had experienced way way too much in their life? One of those people who has seen or done or experienced so much it makes others way uncomfortable when they discuss it? Well I am one such person. I have experienced way too many things, good, bad, awful, serious, hilarious, kinky, and extreme. I am fine with it all, but I have no filter. Zero. So in a meme I will divulge too much and it will become very awkward.

For example, the meme I got yesterday from a friend. It is a "Name 4 things" meme with seven questions. One is "Where would you rather be right now?" and another is "Four places I go over and over." Well, for the first, I would put Italy and India and then "in my hot tub giving birth" and then "in a hospital or birth center giving birth" because that is really the only place I would rather be. Even India and Italy are lies because although I really want to visit both I do not want to until Bliss is a bit older and will truly cognitively remember the places. This is a friend who vaguely knows I am ttc another but I rarely ever see and does not know the gritty details. And on the other question. Well Grocery store, Hardware store, fertility clinic, and Target would sum that question up. Now my answers would cause the pity email to be written and then possibly some very sweet very misguided advice would be offered and then we all know how I would feel. So I cannot do the meme. The thing with the email one is this friend does not email often and this feels like possibly she is reaching out so now I have to find a way to answer back without divulging all, but I cannot do fluff answers, it is just not me.

So that is a small easy example of why I do not do them. Online though, I would get way more explicit with info about me and it would just not be good. I can also NEVER play that drinking game "I've never" because almost always, I have. Now don't get me wrong, I am pretty far removed from college drinking games these days, as so easily shown in a very recent post, but you get the picture.

So that pretty much sums up why I do not do meme's. And I feel just awful when I was tagged and I did not comply, so please, just skip me when tagging and know I am truly sorry but am just not capable of doing it without problems arising.

party...

I went to bed with Bliss last night. Early. I got 2 wrong phone calls last night, after I had gone to bed. The first happened right after we snuggled in which was fine, the second happened a little over an hour after I was asleep and was so irritating because it took me an hour to fall back asleep. The good news is my head was quiet and I had no pre-sleep drinks. lol I am not much of a drinker anyways but that hangover was enough to ensure it will be a long while until I imbibe again.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Music or radio tends to keep us awake no matter how soothing. Sometimes Bliss requests it. His favorite music is Sade and we have "our song" which I love but he tends to stay awake wanting to hear it.

Going to sleep with him is really the best answer because snuggling up next to him and my mind is calm. I just sometimes have stuff to do or a show I want to catch that is not something I want him seeing.

Anyhow I feel so much better today after good sleep.

Today is the big primaries and also the day Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium comes out on DVD. We got a copy this morning and are planning a noon time popcorn party while watching it.

sleep...

I have been doing OK. I am still bleeding but it is down to a trickle now. Not much in the way of clots but two days ago I swear I passed a marble. Strangest thing, it was so round and hard. It didn't seem to be anything but clot but who knows.

Emotionally I am OK with tears on and off and anger peeking in every so often. I AM, however, doing that 'depression-staying up late thing.' I am sure many of you know it well. It is where you stay up flipping through channels on the TV and watching all sorts of crap shows all trying to keep your head from talking too much. I have always been the type who has the hardest time when I lay down to sleep, that is my loudest "head" time. So I have been up until 12 or 1 many days in a row. The thing is that is still getting 6 hours of sleep, which is a lot compared to my younger days, but I have been dying in the mornings lately. Yesterday my whole body ached, my legs and arms and back and neck, I was just so tired. Roomie told me to take a nap at like 9:30 or so. I agreed as I was just in so much pain. I woke up at 1:30!!!!!!! I was so shocked.

So last night I decide I have got to get to bed at a decent hour. So in the early evening I decide I will make a cocktail before bed and try that. Well, we had no Tequila or Vodka so roomie ran out to get some. I made a nice margarita before bed after Bliss was fast asleep. I sipped it (such a pathetic drinker these days) until it was gone, and it was large. I went to bed by 10:30 which was good. I woke up in hell. Oh people I have not had a hangover in a long time. I only had one drink. I am thinking it is likely I had a hangover because of the Metformin I am still on, but ouch. Head in vice around eyebrows not a fun way to wake up.

So tonight I am planning on just going to sleep with Bliss when he does. I will get through this, it is just a slow process.