update...

I saw my OBGYN today. I also have the results from the Endo's tests. I am pleased to know that my ANA came back negative as did my Natural Killer Cells test. My Antiphospholipid test came back all fine except for my Phos. Serine IgM, that came back positive at 36. I spoke to the docs and researched myself and am pretty OK with what I found. I am on Aspirin therapy now and that is what is recommended for it. They do not think it is high enough to require Heparin. I did find some studies suggesting that it can be related to fetal growth inhibition which is interesting since my baby stopped growing but there is no way to know for sure.

My doctor said my cervix was great and all looked fine for getting back to TTC as soon as my first period comes. We both think I should get mine in approximately 2 weeks, so that would put insemination's beginning around a month from now. THAT would mean a possible x-mas baby if I was fortunate enough to get lucky the first try out, but I really cannot even dwell on my feelings about that. I am working on letting the universe show me what is meant to be and accepting it as best and as gracefully as I can.

My doctor also made sure I had my Rx's in for the Clomid/Estrogen/Progesterone trifecta again. I have asked that if and when I do become pregnant again I be allowed weekly progesterone testing so that I can perhaps be on a smaller dose of it in order to avoid the excessive symptoms I was having.

I am pretty OK with all this. I am still having some trouble getting in touch with my anger stage but it is a work in progress.

because it's how i feel...

cannonball

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it's still a little hard to say what's going on
there's still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there's still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer to me
so close i can't see what's going on
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball
there's still a little bit of your song in my ear
there's still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer each day
still i can't say what's going on
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon
stones taught me to fly
love just taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

in other news...

I have been having back problems very recently. I have the start of osteoarthritis, according to a ct scan I had late last year, but that is just usual stiffness upon waking and whatnot. Recently I have been waking up in a lot of pain, even when I go to bed feeling fine. Then yesterday I ran some errands and when I got home and went to get out of my truck, I could not stand up straight. I was in excruciating pain the rest the day and walking at 90 degrees. It was not sciatica as I know that one well. It was above it but still lower back. I was able to straighten more today but I am leaning over to the right.

After Bliss was born I had major problems with my feet. I have really high arches and they began to fall/break. I had to have orthotics made and I was barely able to walk for a time. The orthotics didn't do much, in my opinion. I bought new Birkenstock sandals and shoes and within 3 days I was a new woman. I am a show whore, have always been one, but since then I pretty much just live in my Birk's. I have over 100 pairs of shoes and used to love wearing many of them all the time, but once I had those feet problems I just don't want to take the chance. I also don't go clubbing anymore so it is not like I am really missing them. I kept most my shoes though, some are almost like pets to me. Just looking at them makes me smile and occasionally I pet them. It isn't a feti$h or anything, nothing sexual, I just love them.

I ordered a new bed. One that is way more than I have ever spent before on a bed, but I am desperate. I need to be able to sleep well and wake up without being in pain. I ordered an Isoform bed, which is like a TempurPedic but made here and half the price. The bed comes with a 90 day trial and the sales girl offered to pay the shipping back if I should end up not liking it. I am also contemplating ordering some MBT shoes, which are so expensive I am not sure I can get past the sticker shock, and considering my history with shoes that is saying a lot.I am excited and anxious but mostly I am just hoping that these things will help. I am also doing stretching and trying to take it easy.

I hope to be able to stand up straight soon.

happiness in a vial...

I saw my amazing Endocrinologist today. I say amazing because she listens, because she believes I know more about my body than her. I say amazing because of the years I spent with the jerk Endocrinologist who lied to me, cost me 5 precious vials of Bliss's donor and almost my sanity (see first few blog posts). I say amazing because she welcomes my research I do at home and tells me she feels bad she isn't as up to date on stuff pertaining to my specific questions as she feels she should be. I tell her she is amazing and that I do not expect her to be up on everything under the sun, and that I appreciate that she goes the extra mile to check on things she isn't sure of.

A little back-story of today's appointment. I wanted to have some tests run, I mentioned them below. I had spoken to her assistant on the phone and asked for an Antiphospholipid test. It took 3 return calls with the assistant because the girl cannot, apparently, take a message and even when I spelled words out for her she came back with answers to nothing even remotely close to what I had asked. She did, however, finally say she got the test OK'ed and ordered. I went to the lab and had the blood draw, the lab person said she thought the test was ordered, and then Tuesday I get a call with my results and they are results for tests I had done a month and a half ago. They had been done again and the one I had requested had never been ordered. Well, I know my doctor, this was not her, this was the assistant screwing up simple phone messages. (I am sorry, if you cannot even pronounce Thyroglobulin you should NOT be an assistant at an Endocrinologist, period.) So I told said assistant I needed to see the doctor this week. I went today.

So when my doctor came in before I could even speak (and I am fast) she told me how sorry she was for my loss. I thanked her, and was touched. I then told her I was there in person because the assistant had screwed up 3 phone messages and a lab request and I had some wishes as far as blood-work. I did not tell her what the assistant had said, during the first call when I informed her I lost the baby and wanted some tests to check some stuff. She told me if I wanted to know why the baby dies I had to talk to my OBGYN. ?!?!?!?!?!? Anyhow, tangent, so my doctor says she is so happy I am there in person because she wants to really look into things as well. She then informed me she had been at a special in house seminar/conference yesterday and had spoken with a pediatric director for this one center and had spoken about me to her and asked if she knew any specific things my doctor could look for with regards to causes for my m/c. I was so impressed and touched.

My doctor has ordered an Antiphospholipid test for me, along with an ANA test/panel, which the other doc recommended. She has also ordered the one I wanted the most, which is a Natural Killer Cells panel with a CBC, platelet count, WBC lymphs, and phenotyping. I had the blood drawn next door to my doctor's office so they could make sure they got it all ordered correctly, which was not an easy feat. It took a long time for them to find out the proper coding as this test is not run often.

So now I wait, but I am OK with that. I am just so satisfied to be listened to. I am pleased to have a doctor that also cares. I am pleased that I will be able to know if these things could be a cause because they would continue to be so, and they are truly the only things I am worried about.

I am happy today.

things i question now...

I am not a drinker, maybe one drink a month if that. I craved booze shortly after I tested pregnant.I did not drink of course, but I would think about a margarita, a glass of champagne, or some fresh sangria a lot those first weeks. To the point that it freaked me out a bit.

I could still drink coffee. I got to where it wasn't a daily need like it usually is, but both my other pregnancies, by week 4 it was not sounding too good and by week 6 it was repulsing me. This time I was still having a cup every day or two and enjoying it.

The "police dog nose" thing. I really barely had it. I was not liking perfume-y stuff, which I am not real into these days anyhow, but that was about it. I was not fond of some smelly lotion I had, and a strong icky candle was really bad to me. When pregnant before almost all strong smells made me cringe badly very early on. Food smelled very strong, even when good. this had not happened yet.

I was not tired, and it was hard. I wanted to be able to sleep. At the start I had awful insomnia, and then as the weeks went by I just was rarely tired. I could go to sleep finally, but only at my usual bedtime, not early or anything. With both other pregnancies I could sleep anywhere, anytime, all day long, all night, around the clock.

The weight gain. I never gained fast early on with either other. I gained a lot with Bliss but mainly in the second and third trimesters. With this one I gained a lot very fast, and even when I was no longer stress eating I kept gaining.

The bloating. Well this I do not question really. it began after the baby was dead by my figuring, so I think this was my body trying to deal with it.

The Anti-thyroid Antibodies I have since my Hashimoto's diagnosis and subsequent surgery to remove my remaining thyroid lobe. They are finally down from the 1100's to the low 200's but I wonder if they played a role. My Thyroid Peroxidase Antibodies are only at 22 which is not bad but still I wonder. I am seeing my endocrinologist Thursday to ask her if she will please please run an Antiphospholipid test and a Natural Killer Cells test because either of those, combined with my ATA's could be a cause. I do not think I have Lupus, or the Antiphospholipids, but I really wonder about the NKC's, a lot. I also hope she and my insurance, will let me run the test. I hear it is not done at many labs.

I wonder about a lot, question a lot, but I am trying to not let my head get so loud that I begin to lose the ability to hear the rest of my life. It is why I am putting it all down, to make room for other things.

To make room for the possibility of some good.

the tide...

It ebbs and flows. I am trying to just be the flotsam.
I have been having a calm few days.
No huge breakdowns. No major panic attacks.
I have had a few over-indulgent tantrums for unmerited reasons.
I have eaten junk a couple times.
I have been reclusive. But I have been okay.
I am sure there will be more waves but I am trying to focus on the rythmic motion of this sea.
I am trying to find all my gratitude and not fall into any abyss's.
I am going with the tide and praying to the moon.

anger...

I feel it just beneath the surface, like a whale swimming around in the depths of the ocean and coming up for air briefly, every so often. I am afraid of it fully surfacing. I am afraid if I let it I will end up "beached" and stuck, unable to move past it, like a whale on some deserted distant shore.

I spent so much of my childhood angry. I was a bully in elementary school, angry at the world and beating them up one by one. I was a scrawny toothpick of a kid with a ton of rage. I was kicked out of Girl Scouts for beating up the entire troop on a camp out. I was banned from the Cub Scouts Clubhouse for the same reasons. Mostly I was a hurt kid getting physically and emotionally abused far too often at home, and dying for unconditional love, and taking it out on the world.

Somewhere in my teens it got turned inward, all that anger. Somewhere I began to take it out on myself. I spent a lot of years learning how not to do that anymore. But I am still uncomfortable when anger comes up. I am a long way from taking it out on myself, and the opposite end of the world from hitting another human being, but it never seems to come out right. I still seem to direct it at others unjustly, or at myself unjustly as well. Just in milder, more subtle ways.

I hate when I yell or play the self put-down game.

I hate injustices.

I hate that this happened.

I am angry.

But mostly, I am just sad.

good grief...

Things have been pretty mellow. Some things have come up that are interesting to me.

First off, the further I get from the D&C the more physical pain I have had. It is curious. I had zero pain the first day. A tiny bit of cramps the second. The third day I woke up in what I can only describe as back labor pain. It was awful. It eased up and I was fine until that evening. Now since then I have been having uterine cramping. It usually begins by about 4:30 pm and is on and off all night. I am not sure why but it seems so strange and not at all what I expected. I still have basically no bleeding, although I have had some traces of old blood over the last day. I am doing fine with it all, it is just strange to me.

Second is the emotional. I do pretty well through the day, but as the night comes, and the cramps reminding me, I have been having some difficulties. Over the weekend I basically cried every night for a few hours. The committee in my head going full on with the trash talk and inferiority complex issues. Then last night I began thinking about it. I was really "going through it" feeling like shit and listening to all the bad thoughts and I had this realization. I spent much of my youth and young adulthood depressed. As I got older it came and went, pretty much situationally. I have a long history with depression and know it well. So I was feeling all those old thoughts, of sadness, not being "enough", worry, dread etc. and then I was very aware that I had not felt any of these feelings since before I had Bliss. Since my last m/c to be exact. I then got grateful. I am grateful that depression is not a regular part of my life anymore. I am also grateful that all that I am going through right now isn't depression. It is a process, one that I have to go through. One that I have to ride out, and experience, so that I can get to the other side and heal. So that this crap doesn't get stuffed only to come out at a later date in a bad way.

So I had this realization and it made me OK. On a deeper level I was truly OK. I knew this would hurt like hell, I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I knew it also wouldn't be over quickly, but I knew it would be gotten through. I knew there "was" an other side and that I could make it there. I also knew, that as bad as it was, the reason I am going through it is well worth it.

I am getting through it. I have moments of deep gripping, soul crippling pain, and I have moments of relative normalcy.

I have all of it, and it is simply that part of life none of us can escape.

Grief.

where i am at...

Angel
by Sarah McLachlan


Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

goddess please...

it's late

i can't sleep

i have tried filling the void with food
even when i know how much that won't work


i hate wearing a pad
now the tears are coming non-stop


please someone tell me they had a 5 or more year difference
tell me you were still close
you still have a great sibling relationship
tell me you didn't feel cheated
tell me you forgave your mother
tell me you grew up happy and formed great friendships




i want to give him this so badly
my heart is aching
i need to be able to do this
i need it to happen soon
the fears come rushing back



the doc gave me darvoset
i finally took two
i thought it would help me sleep
shut the committee in my head up
i can't even tell i took any

the first one, way back when
all the pain was wrapped up in fear
fear i would never get to have a child
fear i wasn't good enough

now

this time

it's all wrapped up in fear again
fear i won't be able to be good enough
a good enough mama to my baby boy
a good enough mama to give him a sibling

i know the psych of it all

but that doesn't do shit for this wrenching pain

for these endless tears late at night

for the broken dream

once again

it's done...

I am back home now, it is over.
I was put out for the whole thing.
The doctors and nurses were all surprisingly very empathetic which helped.
I cried a lot.
Bliss is OK, but sad.
I am too.

more info...

Thank you to everyone. It means a lot and your words have all be a balm on my sad heart.

As for the baby, I went in for my second appointment, nothing was out of the ordinary. After the usual stuff the NP did the u/s and I saw no flutter, neither did she. She said she was going to get the doc. I told Bliss, who insisted on being there, that something may be wrong with the baby but that I would be fine, maybe sad but fine. He told me it was OK to be sad. I had to wait about 10 minutes and really wanted to get him out so I had my roomie come in, we finally talked him into going to get me and himself a drink. He didn't want to leave me, he knew I was upset. I have always shown my emotions with Bliss and I was trying to hide them, he was very uncomfortable with that but he finally went.

The doc came in and tried for a long time to find a heartbeat. The thing is, it looked crumpled in there, very dark, no firm form, just crumpled. I knew when I saw that it was dead. The measurements said 7w2d which is only 3 days after my u/s said 2 weeks ago. I think the fact that it measured small before was probably significant, in hindsight.

The doc said I could wait or schedule a D&C. I said I had no idea and would get back to her. I left crying and went to find Bliss at the snack cart. He told me he got "The power of the Sun". Apparently he has seen a Sunny Delight commercial lately, because we do not even have that in our house. I knelt down and told him the baby died, I was crying. He looked at me and told me he wanted to exchange it for another baby. I told him once I was healed we would try for another. I told him I was sad but OK, he said he knew.

Once at home I was jumbled with my emotions, the one thing I kept coming back to was how lucky I was that I had Bliss. When I had my other miscarriage I had not had a kid yet. I thought the universe was telling me I would never get to. I now have a child so it is not quite the same. I am devastated nonetheless, but it is different.

After about an hour I started to have the panic attack stuff. I was worried about freaking out Saturday and not being able to do anything. I have not had even a drop of blood since getting pregnant so I have no idea how long it may take. I also found it strange that now that I was off the progesterone my body was rapidly feeling different. The longer that passes since last nights last progesterone the less I feel such strong symptoms. I also was worried it may take weeks. I called the doc back and she scheduled the D&C for tomorrow at 1pm. The NP also checked with my insurance and genetic testing is not covered. I certainly cannot afford it so there won't be any testing to look for a possible cause.

My roomie took the day off and Bliss knows I have to go into the Hospital for a little bit to take the baby that died out so we can make room for when we try to make a baby again. He said OK and that next time he wants a girl, or two babies. I cried some more but kissed him a lot. He is doing well.

I am all over the place, which is to be expected. I will post more after all of this is through tomorrow.

Again, thank you to everyone.

...

the baby died

out of the mouths..

This morning.

Bliss: "Ewww mom, is that coffee?"

Me: "Yes it is."

Bliss: "But mooooommm."

Me: "What?"

Bliss: "You're pregnant (said perfectly but very slowly), you can't have coffee, it is bad for the baby."

Me: "Bliss I can have a cup every once in a while, but thank you for taking such good care of me and the baby, I will take it back to the kitchen and stop drinking it now. You are such a wonderful little boy."

Bliss: "OK mama."

Me: (In my mind only) ...How the hell does he know that at 4 years old???

food glorious food...

When I was pregnant with Bliss I didn't have many cravings that were intense but I definitely had preferences. I remember really liking eggs which is the case again. But with Bliss I wanted lots of salads, lots of fresh avocado's, and lots of fresh grilled salmon.

The thing is I eat pretty healthy, and since losing all the weight I really ate well. I am not a fast food junkie at all. With this pregnancy so far it is just not the same case. The second day of insemination should have been a warning flag for what was to come. In the past I have always tracked my cervix. I usually only used one vial, as with Bliss, but sometimes I did two and this time was one of those times. I always track my cervix, and know I usually O soon after a positive OPK. I had a feeling the first day I tested positive, that I should inseminate even earlier than I normally would have. I decided to do my first insem. by 2pm on a day where 7am was my first positive. My os was open and all was fine. Doing a solo insem. is tricky and I didn't get it all in my cervix like I usually would when my doula was assisting. I made some adjustments for the next day and felt good about it. To go back a bit I always have a drink the day of an insem. I am not a drinker, but have this thing where I think it helps somehow, probably because I had one the time I had Bliss. I had a glass of champagne that day as well. The next morning I prepared to do a second insem. My roomie took Bliss to a McDonald's right down the street so I could have some privacy after the insem. and help my uterus move the sperm if you get my drift. Well this in itself is huge because I never send Bliss off without me but I was OK, it was 5 blocks. I had a mimosa ready for my after drink. When I did the insem. I was shocked to find my cervix had completely tilted backwards and closed up a bit. I was past my window, the second vial a huge waste of money. I was soooo upset. I did the best I could and then lay with my hips on pillows and had my mimosa. I drank it fast, and I felt it immediately. I called to check on Bliss and roomie asked if I wanted anything. I am not a fan of MD's but I said yes a big mac and ff's and an orange drink. I hung up and poured a second mimosa and cried. They got home and I gulped down the food so fast it scared me. I also finished the second mimosa. She asked if I was still hungry and I said YES!!! She went and got me another big mac and ff's and orange drink combo. I ate the whole thing. In the span of an hour I had eaten enough for a horse and drank more than I had in 6 months. My roomie was stunned and laughing and I declared that drinking was NOT a good thing for a diet. (Before I get flamed, it was in total about 10 ounces of champagne, if that bugs you oh well.)

But since being pregnant the things I want? Well my latest desire is a patty melt. The sad thing is how hard it has been to find a good one in my town. I have no idea why, it is not a complicated thing. I went to 6 places in the last week. One place, a diner, said the had a classic one but it had cheddar cheese and tomato slices. Huh? Hello, a patty melt people. Denny's had one but they had no rye bread, they served theirs on a choice of sourdough or wheat berry. Come on! I finally ordered one from a restaurant that claimed they did it right. It was OK, but they used marbled rye. I don't want someones idea of sprucing something up messing with what is already a great thing. It is simple. You take rye bread, Russian or Jewish rye usually, you use some caramelized onions, some Swiss cheese, and some thousand island dressing. How hard is this? Well apparently here in Sacramento, it is very hard. yesterday we finally ended up at a truck stop diner and they had one the right way, except that when I bit into it there were no onions. I called over the waitress and she apologized and said I had gotten another tables melt and went and got me onions. It was good but in 3 days we had spent $100 eating out. That is NOT an option. So today I made my own, which isn't hard, I had just wanted one made for me. I loved mine today. I also made fries.

It is great that i finally had my meal like I have been wanting, but it doesn't bode well for my hips, thighs, and buttocks. When I was at the store getting the rye bread and Swiss cheese I got some salmon just to assuage my guilt. We will see if it helps. I do still eat yummy veggies and fruit, and also cottage cheese and brown rice and all sorts of healthy things, the problem is that I want this other stuff so much right now. Yesterday at the truck stop I also had desert, cherry pie a la mode. I am a pie maker so it is rare I order one out but I did. It was good, so now I have to make one of those too. I hope this phase is short and I am on to craving lettuce and cucumbers soon.

For now, I am off to make a homemade cherry pie.