Tuesday, July 12, 2011

the end...

I have suddenly decided to change some things in my blog world. I am ending SOULBLISS and opening a new blog. I know people do it all the time but to be honest it has quite surprised me that I am. I have decided to go back to just after Soul was born and cut off this blog there so it can remain a truly infertility blog with a perfect ending point.

I have been transferring the posts after that time up until now to the new space which is called SOULBLISSZEN. I am staying with blogger because I actually really like blogger. Who knows if that will change or not too.

I am also going to try and focus more on the Zen side of my life in that space. I got through infertility (barely). I immigrated to Canada. We have had our struggles and continue to deal with them daily but I am really trying to focus on the wonder of my life and being present and much more mindful. It truly is amazing how green I continue to be in my Buddhism and spiritual practices these many years later. So I will be working on that and hence the new name.

Please join me over there and add me to your readers. So many of you have become such amazing friends and lifelines for me over the many years since this blog began almost 5 years ago.

Thank you so much to Queen Mel for introducing me to this amazing community and to all the others I met through the boards at Babycenter among other places. I know without a doubt I would not be typing this as Soul lays here half across my belly sleeping so peacefully if it were not for the support I found in all of you amazing women. I could never had gotten through try after try and loss after loss without you reaching out to me in my darkest hours telling me "I know what you're going through", "I feel your pain", "I get it", "You are not alone", and most of all "I am so sorry, that sucks". Those words saved me time and again and gave me the strength to get through 3 years of hell and finally be lucky enough to have my dream fulfilled.

So thank you.

Thanks you.

Thank you so very much.

And I hope to see you all at SOULBLISSZEN

Monday, May 11, 2009

soul birth story...

::: a warning, this is very long:::

As I wrote before, labor began at around 4 am Saturday May 2nd. By labor I mean real contractions, they were spaced apart and irregular, averaging around every 15 minutes. Some were quite painful, and others not so much. They went on all day with a few breaks of an hour or two. I tried to do things to keep them going but nothing seemed to affect them. I should have and would have hiked my neighbors steep driveway but my knees were awful that day, as if a huge dose of relaxin had been released, just walking and they felt at times to be popping out of socket.

I began timing in earnest that evening but they were still pretty randomly spaced. I got about three hours sleep and was woken at around 4 am again but with much harder contractions.

Sunday morning they were around 7-8 minutes apart and most were very intense and painful, as in I could not talk through them. This went and around 9 am they were really difficult to deal with and around 5 minutes apart. I was coping only with the yoga ball but it was getting hard even on that. I even used it in the shower and when that didn't help much I told Lu (who is roomie but she is so much more than that, her name is Lu so from now on I am just saying Lu. And yes Bleu and Lu, too funny) as soon as my laundry was dry we would head out.

I should explain here that heading out meant getting the two dogs, Bliss and Lu and I packed up with snacks and luggage and games and dog food because hospital is an hour away and we were not coming back until baby came. Bliss was to be allowed to room in with me but would be with Lu all day at a hotel with the dogs. I had found sitting on the yoga ball the only way to cope with them and was afraid of the drive without being able to be on the ball. I was also terrified of even getting downstairs at that point. I was at the point that I was afraid of being stuck upstairs because contractions had me frozen in pain at times so leaving suddenly became essential to me. I choose to do the driving but in my defense I felt it would be doable and I would focus less on the awful hour it would take to get there. I could pull over for contractions. So Lu got everything together and by 10 or so we left.

It WAS easier to handle them because I was sooo focused in safe driving. I had to slow a few times to get through contractions but I did OK. I called my doula on the way and she was meeting us at the hospital. We arrived and I took some of my stuff, kissed Bliss 10 times and went in. The doula arrived shortly after, met Lu and brought up the rest of my stuff.

I went straight to L&D and waited through a couple contractions for a nice janitor to get a nurse for me. They got me to a temp room and hooked me up to the monitor and got me a yoga ball. After about 10 minutes they let me know contractions were about every 3.5 minutes and said I was doing good. They had me get on the bed a bit after and checked my cervix for the first time.

I was only at 1 and my cervix was still completely posterior and the baby was high.

I was devastated to say the least.

They got me a room and I got undressed and the doula and nurse helped me try and focus and get through contractions. I went from ball to bed every 2 hours for a cervix check. I was starting to get back labor and it was really messing with my psychologically. I had awful back labor with Bliss and lost the plot during it and was afraid of that happening again.

At each check it was the exact same story but maybe a tiny bit thinner cervix. I asked the nurse to call my OB at this point. He was not on call at the hospital until the following day, his partner was the OB on call and when I met him after arriving I knew I didn't like him or trust him for a section. Even before we saw anything of what I may do he was trying to hint to me I would most likely need a section. I did not trust him to carry out the wishes/needs I had if indeed I did get a section and felt either way I would go to the next day to decide. So the nurse called my OB and let him know what was up, but he made no offer to come in that night so I felt more stuck.

At around 3:30 it was suggested I take a hot shower, the back labor was getting a bit more prevalent. I took a stool into this tiny shower and got in and just began to cry.

I missed Bliss,so much, and what was going through my mind in that shower was that I was optionally suffering a lot and being away from Bliss all so I had a chance to have a vaginal birth and that the longer I suffered the longer I was away from him and the longer until we ALL got to go home. Putting off the section until the following day because that was the day my OB was on call and so I could see if I ever fucking dilated meant 2 more nights after that before I would be allowed to discharge. What was the point????

At this point I called my doula and just wailed to her about it all and said I should just fucking section.

The nurse came in and asked if I wanted something for pain. I said I didn't want Demerol or Gravol as they would not take it away and I would feel dopey to boot. I said I wanted an epidural but knew it was too early with my cervix. She said she would call the OB on call and ask.

I felt utterly defeated at this point. A day and a half of labor and at a 1. It was all so familiar except the spontaneous labor had given me false hope this time would be different. I was angry and upset. The nurse came back and said the OB had said OK to the epidural, that I had been laboring so long and needed rest. She also noticed that the shower had slowed my contractions and warned me the epidural could even stall me completely. I said fine, at least I could get some rest and Bliss could come over for the night and we could have some quality time together before the section the next day.

A side note here. I had found a nearby hotel for them all to be at during the days that had a pool and took pets. When I called after getting into my room they were not there. The place no longer took pets, the secondary place with a pool didn't either so they found another place with no pool and come to find out the TV's are so old they have no AV sockets so Bliss could not even hook up his Game Cube. I was sooooo upset at this but he had good spirits about it. I was happy about that but knew it would change when he had been there all day for possibly 2-3 more days.

So the anesthesiologist showed up before they even had my bed ready and I got the epidural. He had some trouble finding the epidural space in my spine so it took a while but the freeze shot was numbing the back part of my labor contractions so I was OK.

The epidural took about 20-30 minutes to really kick in and then my blood pressure dropped to 70/44. They forced an entire bag of ringers in with a pump, which froze my damn arm but my bp stayed low. They then gave me a shot of ephedrine which did nothing. About 1o minutes later after putting in a catheter I was given another bag of ringers and another shot of ephedrine. Still no change so they were about to turn off the epidural when my bp finally came back up.

Sheesh what a pain but I was no longer in pain. The OB came in then and it was noted that as soon as I got the epidural all contractions had stopped completely.

This is where everything really changed and where I give that on call OB I did not like and the Canadian health system a ton of credit. The doc said to me that because everything had completely stopped and it had been over half an hour that he was OK with trying me on a low dose of Pitocin if I wanted.

To clearly explain this I need to clarify things here. With Bliss I had a home-birth transfer to the hospital for no dilation and they refused to give Pitocin to help because they said they had no prior relationship with me to know my prenatal history (like the midwives excellent records were all lies?) and therefore could not risk giving it to me. READ THEY WERE COVERING THEIR ASSES IN CASE OF POTENTIAL LAWSUIT!! This is so much the US medical system, always the possible lawsuit precedes the patient care. Now, this time around I am well aware Pitocin is not even on the table because I have had a previous c/section and there is a risk of uterine rupture. I never asked because I had read the very latest study on uterine rupture and Pitocin that was recently done and is the current gold standard in all of North America and much of the world. Where is the study out of you ask??? It was out of Halifax Nova Scotia, Canada. I was an hour away from Halifax in a room when the on call OB looked at me as a patient, and looked at the current situation I was in and made the decision that it would be OK, and safe to try me on Pitocin because of the specific circumstances going on at that moment with his patient. I was floored, and impressed and said sure.

I still didn't think it would necessarily help but I was happy to be given the chance, once again, to get to my goal of VBAC.

So I was finally relaxing. I had called Bliss, he was having fast food and watching TV and bed jumping and doing OK. We planned to bring him over after 9 pm so he would be tired and go to bed soon and I though I would get a nap before then when I felt a contraction. I said hey! I had one, then realized they had just hooked up the Pitocin about 3 minutes before. So I though that was a good sign. I DID feel the contractions but they were manageable and I had a button for the epidural to hit if I ever needed extra. The OB said as long as he was getting good readings on the monitors we were OK but if he couldn't he may have to place an internal one so he could really keep track of my uterine pressure. It just went inside but not in the baby or anything. I said fine if that was necessary that was OK with me. He said we would watch and decide later.

They contractions were going for a couple hours, every 20-30 minutes or so the nurse would come in and up the dose. After 2 hours doc came in to check my cervix which was still at a 1 but some effacement had happened. Needless to say I was not hopeful, but I was not in much pain so all was OK. Two hours later the contractions are causing me to hit the extra meds button a couple times but still OK but I am checked and at 1 plus wiggle room. I am frustrated but the doc says it's enough to keep going with the Pitocin.

The next two hours before the next check was harder pain wise and when I was only at a 2. I was of the mind that a section was for sure but at least I now knew even Pitocin would not help. The doc and my doula were way happier than I that some progress was made. The doc decided to break my waters at this point. I wish I could say I felt release, but I felt nothing but the same contractions I had been. I was surprised, however, to see so much bloody fluid come out but the doc said it was fine and normal. With Bliss it was clear. After that I gushed with some contractions and not with others but truth be told I had been gushing with contractions on and off since I got to the hospital so who knows what was up. I was never concerned and neither was anyone else.

Bliss came over for bed at this point which made me soooo happy. The contractions were really starting to cause pain at this point even with hitting that button a lot, but having him there made me focus on him and get through them pretty easily for an hour. We chatted and the nurses brought the rollaway cot and made it up for him right next to my bed. He was tired but very excited. After going potty and doing our goodnight ritual he laid down and Lu hung out until he was asleep. My awesome doula had said she would sleep in the lounge and be on call for me or Bliss so Lu could go back to the hotel and get some sleep and be with the dogs. I was having a harder and harder time with contractions at this point and at the next check around midnight was at a 2 plus wiggle room. The contractions were not only in my cervix but now they were in my butt too and they hurt there. I was very very uncomfortable, like severe pain and then a funny bone feeling but in my butt, I was not happy. I was quickly getting frustrated at this point but then during that next 2 hours something shifted and the contractions became very very different.

I have read a lot about birth. Specifically a lot about natural and alternative birth. I was very traumatized by Bliss' birth. It took a year before I could even begin to process it and it was very very painful even then. One thing I have read about on my favorite (read super crunchy) sites was orgasmic birth. I do not think I ever believed it but I LOVED the sound of it. What had shifted is what I can only describe as that kind of contraction, an orgasmic one. It was deep, and vibrational, very very intense and slow like honey but in a languishing, rolling way, AND it was pleasurable. Yes I said pleasurable. I was shocked and dumbfounded but soooooooo happy. It took 2 before I realized it was that and I was trying to just enjoy them and thought I could finally catch a nap because these, I felt sure I could cat nap through. They also felt very very productive to me. I wanted to stay here in this happy space for a while. Bliss was sound asleep at my side, I was on Pitocin, all was OK and there was no pain, I wanted it to last a while.


After about 6 or so of these yummy contractions the nurse came in and turned up the Pitocin again from 79 to 80. They had been doing this all night but when she did it this time everything changed again. Suddenly all yumminess was gone and I was back to the butt contractions, but this time there was no cervical with it and the pain did not lessen in between contractions. Within 4 or 5 I was asking for the pit to be turned back to where it had been. The nurse said to try and cope with it a bit longer but the pain was unbearable. I was feeling like my sphincter was being ripped apart but there was no actual movement there. I was quickly becoming inconsolable and was begging at that point and crying myself a right pity party. The nurse said it was time for a cervix check and would do that first. She checked and said I was at a 3, but the doc had been doing them and frankly I believed her small hands and newness (she was new) made her call the docs 2 with wriggle room a 3. It was at this point I demanded it be turned down to 79 again, which she did, but it did not go back to yumminess. It did, after about 3-4 contractions, begin to include my cervix again in the pain part of the contractions which was very welcome at this point. When it was only butt it was just too too much. They brought the anesthesiologist back in at this point too and he gave me a bolus of a little more in my epidural and upped the click button dose but he warned me that epidurals do not ever take away pressure pain and nor do they usually ever take away butt pain. Great!!!

The last check had been at 2 am and I was exhausted and feeling pretty down, I began to wonder at this point when to say when, I really did not want to go through another c/section over exhausted and spent and it was looking like that was going to be the case. Every contraction at this point was excruciating and I was trying desperately to just get through them. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted my doula but I kept saying no, let her sleep. Pretty silly but I so wanted her available should Bliss need her and said to the nurses it wasn't like she could do counter pressure on my sphincter. I cried and breathed and just got through but by the time and hour had gone by I was pretty done.

The doc came in at that point to see what was up, he had obviously been told I was at the end of my rope. He suggested he do a check and then we decide if we should stop the Pitocin and let me get some rest or not. I said fine and again he did a check. While checking he sort of stopped and then dug deeper looking perplexed and I asked if I had gone back to a 1. He laughed and said no, I was at a 10 and fully dilated with just a teeny tiny lip on one side. I gasped, the nurses gasped, we were all totally shocked. From a 3 to a 10 in an hour. Apparently butt pain is good, who knew.

The nurses hurried to ready the room and wake the doula and I began breathing through contractions with renewed hope. I remember distinctly fearing a long pushing session though because if I went through all of this only to push unproductively and swell up and end up with a section anyway I would be PISSED to say the least.

The contractions changed the minute I breathed better and felt hope, they were still butt pain, and cervix pain, but they were also rolling and I felt the baby coming into the canal. I was at a 10 but the baby was still pretty high. I began very silent breathing through these contractions trying with all my might to let my body do all the work and me do absolutely nothing. It is what I had always read and wanted to do. It was very hard but with the knowledge of being at 10 I was really able to. After about 6 of those super intense contractions, maybe 5, I told the nurse what they were like and she looked at me and said it was time to try pushing. I was shocked again and said NO WAY?!? but she said yes. No all this time I was on my side because of the epidural, and apparently the baby's heart rate went up on my left side so I was on my right. The next contraction I did a testing push, not really an inward pre-breath just tried pushing hard. It hurt a lot but the nurse said she thought it moved the baby down more and with the next one to actually take the inward breath, push with all my might, and then another breath and push in the same contraction. So still on my side, with the next one that is what I did and I pushed hard, twice, and it hurt like hell and scared me a fair bit. My fear was of backing away from the pain, I didn't want to do that. I also had the catheter in still and wanted it out, it hurt when I pushed hard. The nurse said she saw the head and I would not be pushing long and of course, I did not believe her. My doula had arrived and was filming and lending awesome support and laughing at how drastically things had changed, and Bliss was peacefully asleep on the cot beside me.

The nurse suggested I move onto my back, saying I could now, but I have always been one who felt back deliveries was counter-intuitive. I looked at my doula and she knew exactly what I was thinking but the nurse said it could give more traction and she could hold my leg to push against. During the earlier part of the day before the epidural every time I went on my back for a check the pain was excruciating so I was afraid if I felt that again it would set the running-away-from-pain- ball rolling. She assured me they would move me back super fast if it even started, so they rolled me onto my back and with the next contraction I took the breath and pushed against their holding, hard, and then again, and then she laughed and said that the next contraction I could NOT push through, but had to breathe through because the baby was coming NOW and the doc was down the hall.

WOW!! Shocked does not begin to explain my feelings, I was numb and thrilled, and shocked, and a jumble of emotions all rolled into one. One thing I want to say here that was also neat is that the room was really quiet. I was not screaming or yelling through any late contractions and only grunting a little through the pushes so far. Watching the movie since the birth it is something that strikes me as so awesome, the lights were low and all was calm feeling. In my c/s it was a surgery room which is a ton of beeps and yuckiness. They had removed the catheter finally, what a relief, and taken off the contraction monitor from my belly and all was really quiet.

So I breathed and puffed through the next contraction and then the doc came in and dropped the end of the table and put my legs in braces I could push against and told me I could push away with the next one. I was asking all sorts of questions and stuff at this point about optimal pushing and would I feel instant relief after the head came out etc. The doc was funny and said yes but don't forget the shoulders, and I said I wanted to do both head and shoulders with one contraction if possible, head one breath shoulders the next. He thought that sounded great. So with the next contraction I took the breath and pushed hard and the head was burning and coming, and I didn't get it out as I started to panic inside and I took another breath and pushed again, but not as great of a push. The doc said it was great and the head was partially out but not past forehead or anything. They asked if I wanted to feel and I said no but felt anyways but all I felt was labia. As I waited for the next contraction the baby slowly slipped back inside and I was bummed but they said it was fine and normal.

At this point I said I needed olive oil, it felt too non-lubricated down there, which isn't true but one nurse said a nurse at another hospital swears by it and we had this very surreal mini conversation. I asked the doc if I just had to push through the pain at this point (duh) and he calmly assured me yes. In the movie I am patting my chest in this sweet and silly self-soothing way at this point. So with the next contraction I took a deep breath and pushed hard hard hard, and it hurt hurt hurt,and just when I thought I would have to take a breath which I felt would make me not get it done the doc said the head was out to the nose and that gave me all I needed and I pushed with the last of that first breath the last bit as hard as I could and out popped the head. And yes YES yes it was a relief. I then took another fast breath and pushed again and out came the shoulders and then the baby was placed right on my chest, instantly. And by the by I do not think the shoulders were as tough as the head, at least in this instance, but I also think the joy of the head being out helped a ton!!!

So she was on my chest, covered in vernix with some blood and mucus but not much. I was rubbing her and she was mewing and the nurse asked what she was and I said I didn't know yet and she said I had to look and tried, in a funny way, to lift her leg to peek. The doc said shoot he had forgotten to look to and I just had to. So I said no a few more times and then peeked and again, was shocked. Looking back I think I had to have glimpsed so briefly it was stored in my subconscious right when she was placed on me because I think I waited more in a putting off confirming what I thought I just saw. I was sooo sure it was a boy, and there ARE parts of me that are terrified of a girl. It has to do mostly with teenage years but still. So I rubbed in her vernix, the doc sweetly waited for the cord to stop pulsing and I asked the doula to cut the cord. They placed a blanket over her to keep her warm but I did all the rubbing in of that magic cream. She was soooo alert instantly, just like Bliss, and she looks so so much like him, BUT she is tiny people. I mean to me she is just tiny. 7 lbs 3.8 ounces. That is 2.5 pounds smaller than Bliss and it was sooo shocking.

Are we seeing a theme? The birth that shocked my world.

So after a bit I let them weigh her but she was gone for like 10-15 seconds and then back on me. While she was gone I rubbed her vernix into me too, my chest and face and lips, it is truly amazing stuff and smells soooooooo good. I wish I could make people get that, it is amazing! She was spitting up some mucus but nothing bad and they suctioned her with the bulb syringe a few times and I pulled some out too. She also snorted a lot and grunted but it wasn't a breathing trouble snort or grunt, just likely a little mucus somewhere. She sounded adorable doing it. And her mouth, instantly rooting like a baby bird. I think she may remind me of a little bird but I am not sure yet. Bliss has always been my bug, my ladybug specifically, but that came about after a few weeks so we shall see. I saw a Little Bear two days ago called Pillow Hill where three lil baby birds that were brown with clusters of white triangles on their chests came to Little Bear's window that totally reminded me of her. Now I just need to find out what kind of birds they were (they were baby Robin's). She next latched on perfectly to my breast and sucked for about 3 minutes like a champ. Then she stopped and pooped all over the blanket, but I had them save me the blanket. The blanket stayed out a few days but I just sealed it in a ziplock hoping to save some scent. I swear it smells like it has been doused with the finest perfume in the world. Now I am even more irked our brand new food saver is one of the things "lost" (read stolen) in the move out here.

Lu had been called by my doula as soon as I was told to start pushing in case it was long or I was screaming and Bliss woke up and was scared. So at this point I woke Bliss up. He had slept through the entire thing but I sooo felt his presence. He can be a little long to wake but as soon as I said the baby is here he sat right up. Now for reference I was told I was at a 10 at 3 am and Soul was born at 3:22 am so things really did move fast. I told Bliss he had a baby sister and he said it was OK because he had told me before that he could be outnumbered 5 to 1 (he counts the dogs) but the next baby HAD to be a boy. I laughed and told him we shall see but if I ever have another baby I cannot make it a boy on purpose. Anyhow he gave me some kisses, and Lu came in at this point. She says all she saw was blood and did not think the baby was born yet and she HATED seeing the blood but was happy and surprised too. Bliss asked to go to the hotel at this point which set me crying of course but he said he wanted to go play. He was very overwhelmed I could tell but Lu later told me it was that he said the baby smelled. See, he saw the slime and vernix, but smelled the blood of the room and thought it was the baby and he really didn't like the smell. We did lots of kisses, a couple pictures and he and Lu left.

Anyhow after another blanket and I asked the doc if I tore, he said as soon as the placenta passed he would check. I had a contraction a couple minutes later and he showed me the placenta. It was in great shape. This baby showed absolutely zero signs of being postdates, because she was not. PEOPLE PLEASE LISTEN, if 40 is average, just as many have to go over as under!!

Anyhow off the soapbox now, so the doc said the placenta was great but interesting fact the cord was side attached with is more rare. I am confused why the two 20 week scans didn't show this but glad on hindsight. So doc checked and then chuckled and said I had bragging rights, he said I had a tiny skid mark and that was it. And may I say the tiny stinging at the first pee 5 minutes later proved that to me. Before the pee they had taken out the epidural and after the pee they got me ready to be moved to the maternal and child wing right down across the hall.

Another side note here, they put me in a double room with a full third bed like the other two so Bliss had a place to sleep that night too. They were really so very wonderful with respect to my relationship with Bliss. I was and still am ever so moved about that.

Soul had nursed again for about 10 minutes before we were moved and after we got to the room she nursed for a solid hour. She is a good feeder with a great latch. It is also so nice to be old hat at breast feeding this time, I made things so very hard on myself at the start with Bliss. I truly believe being so relaxed about nursing made it go so much smoother from the start.

So after that hour feed I kept trying to nap but inevitably someone would come in. The sweet volunteer woman with the We Love To Read bag with books and a hat in it, the nurse, the L&D patient advocate nurse I had met with weeks ago to go over my wishes, she had been crying about the birth she was so happy. And of course I loved telling her the whole story, I had not seen her since Friday. Then a fantastic lactation consultant, who knew I was fine but was friends with the advocate nurse and wanted to chat which was fun, but again I needed sleep. Then the pediatric doctor to check her out, she was fine, good as gold but she DID tell me to watch for pee since I said it was so far assumed it was mixed with meconium. We now know better. And then the food service people came by and I told them NO and refused the tray. I wanted sleep!! Then I refused 2 more nurse checks and each of these things came about 5 minutes after falling asleep. Ugh! Then around 9 am my OB came by, shocked and sooooo excited, and of course we talked about it all. He too was shocked and had really thought after the call he got the evening before that he would be doing a c/section that day. He also hadn't even heard what the baby was so I told him a girl and we chatted about the whole thing, and his partner who was the OB who helped me deliver and then he told me as soon as I wanted to leave I could since it was such a normal vaginal delivery.


So I called Lu again and she was driving around looking for a new hotel with more for Bliss. So I had her ask Bliss if he would like to sleep in the room like he was told earlier or go home that day, and he said home so that was that. I really felt he would be so much less overwhelmed at home so I told my nurse I would be leaving by noon. Lu was taking Bliss for a birth gift, he had already gotten 2 from Soul and asked why another but I explained he got to pick one out from me to him on his new sister's birth day. So after that they came by and we loaded up after the car seat check and we left. Before we went home, however, I had Lu run by Walmart after I called them because the had our BBQ in and had only gotten 2 and one was already sold. So Lu ran in, shaking her head at me, and got the BBQ and I had to help the 2 yes two employees load it in the van because neither could figure it out,

Anyhow we then drove home and went upstairs to rest but by that time I was just wired and still in shock so I sent out the announcement. The rest you know so that is the story.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Soul's eyes are steel grey. They had a blue tinge at birth but they are very grey now. So very very beautiful.

If anyone is a Sonic DX whiz let me know, Bliss just wants to know how to get to play as a new character Sonic Metal, or Esphio(SP?) Metal or Chaos Metal and no matter how he finishes all the parts it seems to never happen. I HATE this game but he has wanted to do this forever so if anyone knows PLEASE let me know.

OK Mac mail, I sent out a mass mail of the blog post birth announcement. Then the next day I sent out one more to a few others but I prepared the email offline since we know my dial up is crap. So anyhow ever since then, no matter what I do the mail won't synch. I cannot get mail on my server at all, and only yesterday could go online to Mobile Me to get mail but I still cannot work my mac mail. And then it keeps bringing back up the email I made offline and ALREADY sent and says it cannot do some actions online and brings it back no matter how many times I delete it.

I am at such a loss but calling Applecare when you can't be online and call at the same time because I have fricking dial-up makes me nuts!!!

I have finally finished the birth story, I just have fine tuning to do so I will post it in the day day or two. In case anyone wonders how I did it with the week we have had PLEASE understand, I have forced myself to do this at sleep loss just so I can get it down before I forget the details. I learned the hard way with Bliss how quickly your mind fuzzes out stuff.

I am down 40 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight just because I was so high before the pregnancy. I also gave birth at 25 down so it is very interesting. I really hope I can keep eating sensibly as I am now and that with the breast feeding I can lost another 40 - 60 pounds. We shall see.

We are doing better and better but I still get the chills thing now and again and it sucks. But beyond that things are going ok. I am emotional and unfair to Lu at times and crying about Bliss often but really, recovery is sooo very much easier when vaginal birth happens.

It is also so so so much easier when you are not recovering from birth trauma as well and with Bliss I truly was. I am emotionally doing way better than I did after Bliss' birth.

I am not getting to anyones blog posts so if you have news email me PLEASE. And know the emails I HAVE been able to read have been so wonderful.

So thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

rough week...

Really rough first week but here are the highlights.

Also to preface this, my mail server is not working right and my internet connection is suddenly almost not working at all but I have no time to figure it out.

First night home Soul started screaming in the night and did so for 6 straight hours. She had the pain scream, the terror scream, the alarm scream, the choking scream, and the shudder scream. I was beyond exhausted, hallucinating from just having given birth and 48 hours no sleep and I went so far as feeling resentment towards my baby girl that night. I felt all the awful emotions thinking how it was taking me further and further away from Bliss, how it felt like I was losing the love of my life (Bliss) who had hours before told me he could wash his face and hands and brush his teeth on his own because there was a baby now. It was a very traumatic night for me.

Next day I am further convinced she is not peeing, something I have suspected. we head out to the closest emergency/medical clinic 30 minutes away only to learn it is closed for the first time in 5 years, but just for that day. We drive another 30 minutes to a hospital and get a thoroughly crappy look over only to be told I must be missing the pee when she poops meconium and the screaming was just colic. Umm ok asshat, read a book, colic is first off a catch-all phrase for nothing and second cannot happen on colostrum.

Next day she is more and more lethargic. Public health nurse comes by and weighs her which is good but she also feels I should get checked out again. We drive and hour to the hospital I gave birth in only to wait 20 minutes with no one ahead of me and them knowing I have an almost 3 day old. A family waiting after me suggests the children's hospital in Halifax where pediatricians are always on. We leave and drive another hour to that hospital. Every damn person all damn day keeps saying they think she will pee in their hand any minute. I even was using a tissue in her diaper to prove no urine, also at this point my milk had come in that morning, she was eating all morning and now not pooping either. After 3 hours and after 10 pm the doc finally sees us. I ask for her to have a catheter put in to see, she agrees. They do it, have a little tension going in but pee comes out. I am elated and exhausted, we get home at 1am.

Next day every time I open her diaper she pees and pees, all damn day. I am very happy I had her cath'd to clear the path. The day is smooth and calm but that night she doesn't give me much sleep, no crying just typical newborn stuff.

Yesterday I begin getting the chills, so bad I have the room set to 75, 4 blankets and a heating pad on me and I am still freezing. I spend the day trying to get warm and miserable but know it is just the hormonal shift, there is no fever.

Today it is better but still there but I got good sleep last night.

I have finished a little over half the birth story and hope to finish the rest soon but my moments available were spent doing this and trying to get online tonight.

Thanks so much for all the awesome support. The first night issues were mostly just a lack of sleep, Bliss is doing really great and jumps to rub her head whenever she cries. I am emotional at him growing up suddenly but will get through it and Soul is truly precious.

Monday, May 04, 2009


Soul Om
born 3:22am May 4th 2009
7lbs 3.8 oz

Soul is a beautiful baby girl.
Birth story is crazy and amazing and because of what happened I am shocked and thrilled to announce I got my VBAC and every other thing I dreamed of.

Birth story to follow when I get some time.

I was home 10 hours after giving birth.

Bliss loves her and was there, asleep until she was placed on my belly.

Exhausted but no tearing at all.

Need sleep.

Much love to all.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

it begins...

So I began having contractions around 4am Saturday. I was really surprised and happy about it. They were not patterned but they were strong. I slept on and off until about 8:30 and when I got up I began losing my mucus plug. That didn't even happen with Bliss.

I had contractions throughout the day, some easier than others. I did breast pumping, yoga ball bouncing, homeopathics, orgasm, and walking some to try and keep them coming. Nothing seemed to really get them going regularly but I did have them every 15-20 minutes most the day.

Last night they seemed to get more regular, and more painful, around every 15 minutes. I got about 3 hours solid sleep and then short naps. Since about 4:15 this morning they have been very very painful (cannot talk through them) and around 7-12 minutes apart.

I have been using Contraction Master to keep track, and like it. It works even when offline which is good when you only have dial up.

I am having some blood tinge when I pee still which I am thinking is a great sign even though it is very little amounts. Anything that reads dilation possibility to me is a good thing.

In my head I am thinking I would not go in to hospital until they were 5 apart and regular, we shall see how the day goes.

Yesterday morning was cute because Dirt came onto my bed and laid against my belly. She is so good to me that lil dog, plus when she labored with Henrietta she laid on MY belly the entire time.

Bliss is sleeping peacefully next to me and it is magical to look at him through this, he truly inspires me, even if he did climb on my belly like 10 times yesterday.

So I am hopeful but cautious and just happy I may have a chance at my own labor here.

I will try and update later.

Friday, May 01, 2009


I feel like I need to add something to my last post and maybe it is in part because of NIAW and maybe it is just because I am staring at the end of my pregnancy coming fast upon me but my thoughts are jumbled so bear with me here.

I do not feel at ease. I do not feel I have "crossed the line" or "made it" or gotten to the "prize" in any way. I am almost 42 weeks pregnant and fear still robs me daily of joys and comforts. I have not been able to really get quiet and listen to my own body because the one sure thing to keep that from happening is fear. And fear is with me every moment it seems.

I did not have this fear with Bliss, not like this. But with 3 years of infertility, 3 babies lost just during that time alone, and 3 IVF's and an FET to get where I am right now there is this huge mountain of fear about coming this far and having it all snapped away in a tragic instant.

The thoughts haunt me in the night like loud cries from lonely creatures out in the dark. I try and remain calm, I breathe deeply and focus on my out breath and try to get through it. I get calm and try to feel the baby move even when it sleeps to reassure myself. I remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am.

But still.

I am robbed of so much through IF even when I am seemingly on the other side. Even though I know so very well I am where I wished so desperately to be not so long ago. I hoped these would be my worries because at least it would mean there was a baby in me, a chance, hope. And I AM there, and I am grateful beyond belief, but I am also angry. I am sad for the woman who isn't getting her full joy, I am angry for her, and I am also her and trying to soother her/myself as I go.

You get this amazing opportunity to re-parent yourself when you have a child and I have done a lot of that over the years, but mostly it was always re-parenting the abused, hurting little girl I was. Now I am trying to find a way to re-something the woman who suffered and suffers IF, and it may not exactly be re-parenting, but it is trying to find grace and gentleness while still being affected daily so I do not bring the baggage along to this new being.

It is difficult and frustrating and I just keep holding on to when I might be able to really take a breath, to really let it out and let go of some of this all consuming fear, and leave some of this seemingly never ending IF baggage at the road side.

41 weeks 4 days...

I had an ultrasound today. Here I have to go to hospital (the hospital, it is different depending on where you live how you say it apparently) to get it done but my doc met me there and did it. I also had another NST. All is well, there is good fluid, baby looks fine, but nothing has changed. My cervix is still completely posterior and the baby is not engaged.

I am frustrated but ok. I am to be at hospital at noon if nothing has happened before then. I will have a c/s sometime that day if all remains the same. That will be exactly 42 weeks. Bliss was taken out of me at exactly 42 weeks as well which has a symmetry to it I suppose.

If anything was happening, any dilation, even effacement or engagement or contractions I might feel different but really nothing is happening. I had one real contraction after acupuncture and that was it. I semi-freaked out last night because the past 48 hours I have felt very different. I have felt less pregnant which is very disconcerting. I have taken the stairs normally for the first time. I have had un-sore boobs, I have been filled with energy. At this point with Bliss I felt every day I got bigger and heavier and more pregnant. This time it is like the opposite is happening.

The doc assured me baby was well and I am measuring 42 which is right on target, but I slept on my belly the last two nights! WTF?!? At this point with Bliss I measured 52 so I was WAY bigger, but still it is strange to be feeling this way.

The baby is still moving well but a little less often and the doppler has gotten me through some very paranoid moments lately. Again, and forever, THANK YOU ROSE!!!

In other news the upstairs bathroom, the newly renovated one, has 2 tiles making an awful squishing sound when walked on meaning there is a leak and the floor is wet. Not good timing. The plumber has been called and is trying to get out before Monday to at least take a look, we shall see, but again, the timing sucks.

We have also had our first real critter and it is a 20 pound porcupine. Really not what we expected. He or she is adorable, but does NOT scare, at all. I have two 10 pound dogs and it could easily very seriously injure them. My mama dog Dirt thinks she is some huge guard dog, especially right now, so now we are using a leash to take them to potty. Not what we wanted to be doing or what they want. So I am looking into having it relocated because it IS cute and I do not want it hurt, but it is very suddenly around our house all day long the little bugger. I took pictures but am really not up for an hour upload tonight. I will post a pic soon though.

So that is all for now, I will again post with any new news.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

41 weeks 1 day...

Still here, still nothing happening. Have been pumping an hour or so a day but nothing has happened. I see the doc tomorrow and also do acupuncture.

I am feeling frustrated for my own reasons but am doing ok. The thing is the body does not stay pregnant forever, none does, and if the baby is ok then a HUGE part of me wants to wait. Wants to trust my body. But the other part worries.

So I go back and forth getting frustrated, anxious, angry, worried.

Baby is moving fine and all is well otherwise.

Will post if anything changes.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

40 weeks 3 days...

Saw doc again today. Nothing has really changed, he said maybe a bit thinner in the cervix but he couldn't even break my waters if I wanted because it is still so high. I don't want that as of yet but it was frustrating to hear nonetheless.

I had an NST after, which was fine. Doc said we will see where i am next week and then discuss things. I would really like to just wait and wait, some women have 10 month babies as a rule. Do not argue this with me I spent years researching all of this. But you see I had 4 days of labor with Bliss and never dilated and I have no thyroid so I may be incapable of ever dilating, or even going into spontaneous labor. And because I have had a c/s I cannot have pitocin, which I do NOT want anyway, but because of all of this I know after 42 weeks I will likely have to say yes to another c/s.

I am not freaking out about all of this I am just sad that I may never experience vaginal birth, that I may never feel the ring of fire. That is MY wish and I will mourn it if and when I need to. In the meantime I am taking evening primrose oil, black and blue cohosh and staying active.

Bliss is trying to be patient but wants the baby here yesterday. We are doing well but I keep finding myself staring at him sleeping more, and trying to enjoy our last moments as just us more. The house is coming along and we are very happy in it. If the weather clears I may get to take him fishing for the first time on our pond in the next few days, but shhhh don't tell him yet.

I got to talk on the phone to Annacyclopedia and it MADE MY WHOLE WEEK!!!! That was such a delight!! She had the smart idea to put the blue cohosh in a grape (I only have it in tincture and it is NASTY) with a syringe (gee I wonder if I have those, HA!) and although the grape didn't work the small cherry/grape tomato worked like a charm. Thanks Anna!!!!!!!!

So that is all for now, believe me folks I will let ya'll know when somethings changes. In the meantime I am hanging out eating homemade Donairs (out new Canadian discovery we are loving) and trying to say mellow.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Easter and beyond...

Here are some pictures of Easter finally. He found a few outside as you can see but pretty hard with all that snow. We did the rest of our outdoor hunt 2 days ago since the snow has melted at last. I love the snowman pic of him, roomie and Henrietta.

Yesterday the due date came and went with little fanfare.I have been staying busy each day trying to keep my body moving. I see the OB this Thursday for another check but other than that I am just trying to get things done. I will update when anything changes.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

39 weeks 3 days...

I saw the OB today, had my first internal and then met with staff at the hospital and had an NST.
All was fine, as expected not much happening. The baby is low but just low nothing more, and my cervix is soft but no dilation. I go back in a week and in 2 weeks if nothing has started we will discuss options. I am not one to rush things, I believe that 40 weeks is an average meaning just as many babies come later as earlier. I hope to go into labor on my own but am pretty zen about everything right now. I have things in place for all possible outcomes. I have met with and made plans for most options and will try and remain open as I get closer.

I got what felt like a baby shower in a package from the amazing and wonderful Eden today. There was a gift for Bliss, for me, and for Soul. I was so touched I cried. Bliss has been expressing his amazement at "having friends all the way in Africa, I mean Australia" and thinks it is so wonderful. Roomie tried to tell me not to open the Soul gift until the birth and I snapped at her that showers happen before birth. Damn hormones, lol.

Our house is coming along, I got the first baby clothes and cloth diapers out to wash this week, the living room is painted and pretty much done, and the plumber and electrician have been by to do the lil things that were needed. i have to set my alter up this week and even if nothing else gets done that will be enough.

We got a LOT of snow over Easter and the following day, like 50cm almost. It was beautiful and crazy. Bliss made his first mini snowman with his aunt on the deck and I took pics when he surprised me with it. Then he crushed it with his head later. Too fun!!

The Easter bunny hid most eggs outside before the snow so many are still out there under it all. The bunny was smart and hid some inside too so all was not lost.

I have a lot of emotions mixed up and jumbled about this baby right now. They have always been there but are surfacing more as time nears. This baby is so wanted, desired, loved and needed. I still have the irrational fears come up though about how I will ever love anything or anyone as much as I love Bliss. Intellectually I know better but it still comes up sometimes. I think coming from a home that played such severe favorites games has added to my irrationality but when I find my center the fear leaves.

I also worry about gender in that I worry what Bliss will want. I have absolutely no care which but Bliss today mentioned being outnumbered and needing a brother. He hasn't mentioned that in many many many months but it is back. I told him I hope he got what he wanted but knew we would love the baby no matter what it was. He agreed but I still worry a tiny bit at times.

My hands go dead all day and night now and it is still annoying but expected. I am still throwing up every few days but I am dealing ok with that too. I lost another pound since last week but am healthy with great blood pressure.

So now I continue to unpack, and wait to the arrival.

I am still barely online and feel awful for how little I can comment right now but I know it isn't forever.

Much love to all!!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

as promised...

I want to begin by saying I spent 4 hours, YES 4 FUCKING HOURS uploading these pictures. And I didn't finish, I spent another hour and a half this morning. Have I mentioned I now have dial up? Truly the only thing I just cannot adjust to.

So here we are on the back deck in all my huge glory. The strange thing is I am just not as big outward as I was with Bliss. I think I am carrying way wider though and I AM huge.

This is Bliss trying to get baked again as he is a booty boy whenever possible!! Now he can as much as he wants which I love for him!!!

I wish I could explain how huge my boobs are, but they really are bigger than his head.

This was us taking out first nature walk on our property, dogs, Bliss, roomie and me bringing up the rear. The snow only melted about a week ago so we see we have a small ATV trail to walk. Bliss has a walking stick he immediately found, so cute. The dogs are also there, they suddenly think they are wild animals and refuse to listen to anything we say when outside, it is unnerving.

He is so precious and kisses the belly often, I love watching it move but he is pretty over it, although he asks it to come in 2 days often, but I do not see birth happening before the due date AT ALL!!

Probably a week or more late as usual but I am not concerned, there is still so much to do.

This is one of our ponds on the property, it supposedly will have lots of trout or does already, it is beautiful and Bliss loves it. He cannot believe it is in our "yard" and so much nature right here, he says now we never need to leave. My thoughts exactly.

My only real complaints right now, besides dial up Internet, has been finally having hip and joint pain. I have been lucky until now but having the 2 story house is also harder on me with the pain.

I am still throwing up on occasion but the last 2 days have been pretty good. It is nice to finally have my kitchen stuff out and available to cook with.

It still amazes me I have lost 25 pounds so far this pregnancy, especially when I see these pictures.

This is another shot of the one pond, the other pond is next to it but I didn't get a good shot. There is a huge rock across the other side I think we will have to explore fishing off of, and there is a bench on the banks.

Tomorrow is Easter (we do a more Solstice type celebration) and we are expecting a very late season snow storm to bring quite a bit of snow. I love it and think it will be a hoot. We will spend the morning with Bliss hunting for eggs and candy and have a nice breakfast and then I will cook a feast and spend the day by the fireplace playing with Bliss. Things are slowly getting more normal and a bit less chaotic. I am sure as soon as they really quiet down the baby will be here with all new chaos to enjoy and cherish.

Happy Holiday to All!!!

Saturday, April 04, 2009

quick update...

We are in the house. It truly has been hell.

My wonderful, amazing memory foam bed was somehow soaked. I am not even going to begin to try and figure out whose fault this was but it devastated me beyond what I can explain.
I did not get to sleep in my bed the night we moved, or the next night. Finally after the most recent movers flaked for 2 days I hired some local high school boys to move it into the house.

Last night was my first night in my bed. My level of physical pain from overdoing it and moving and unpacking was such that I took one vicodin in order to even bear laying down as Tylenol was a joke. Needless to say I did sleep well.

I have so missed this bed.

We are still trying to unpack, it will take a very long time. Today we finally got a cord of wood delivered as the previous owners tenant did not leave beyond 6 pieces of wood which was not supposed to happen. We have a wood furnace and wood stove fireplace so this was necessary.

Fortunately it has been very warm so we have been fine with the baseboard heat around the house and the weather.

The creek in the backyard is in full flood mode (nowhere near the house and not a bad thing) with the snow melt so we only hear a rushing river sound off the back deck. It is truly beautiful.

We got a lot unpacked in the kitchen today, I am trying not to overdo but I also only have 2+ weeks left and I have to get stuff organized before I am spending every moment breast feeding and gazing.

The dial-up internet is worse than even I imagined it would be. I also just learned my Mac has no phone modem so I have to go pick one up for it, right now I am using Bliss' laptop (my old PC) until I sort that out. It feels awful to be so unconnected but we really do have so much to do it is not the priority right now. I DO hope to gawd I get high speed soooooooon but who knows.

I am ok physically beyond the pain of unpacking although my hands feel still and my knees and feet hurt. They do not look swollen but feel like it. I am also having hip pain but to be honest I am so shocked it has not happened up until now that I am not complaining.

I had to cancel the OB this week because of the move but I see him Monday.

Hopefully I will be back on here in the next few days with more news and a pic of me Bliss and my belly.

Much love to all.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


If all goes well we will be moving into our new home tomorrow.


I have been too stressed about a lot that happened with the closing to write about it but it seems to be going through in time now.

Once there I will only have........wait for it.............dial up.

I know I know it is terrifying for me, but apparently there will be high speed where we live soon, hopefully within 6 months or less. I REALLY hope less.

In the meantime I will see how it is but it may take a few days before I can get it set up.

I am thinking, however, that tomorrow night I may get to actually sleep in my bed for the first time since January. OMFG I cannot wait!!!!!!

I am 37weeks and 1day today in case anyone is wondering. Maybe I will put a ticker up soon. Heh, I crack me up.

Anyhow I have packing to do, luckily not much, and a nap to try and take.

Oh and two more possibilities for middle names. Soul Echo, Soul Journey but I am still leaving it mostly up to Bliss and feelings when the baby comes.

Much love to all and thank you so much for the great support in the previous post. I really am ok, it was late night emotions that came up strong and writing them let them pass easier. There is no contact for those who do not know, I was disowned with lawyers and everything over a decade ago. I grew up with a man who believed, among other things, in euthanasia for all homosexuals. Good times!!

Anyhow I am ok, I just know there isn't nothing there and sometimes it finds me and I am confused.


enough of that I am soooo excited about moving into our home.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

what to do with it...

What do you do with it.
You get raised by weak people who abuse you and teach you how terribly you deserve to be treated.
You grow up fucked up and abusing yourself when you don't find someone else to do it for you.
You get better and then worse and then better and then worse until finally, after many years, you heal bit by bit and get better, get a life of your own.
You grow and find direction, find yourself, but still try to live with them and find a way.
Then they get to know the real you, or hear about it and you get disowned.
You spin again, along with finding you you make some huge regressions thinking you are back at square one.
But you aren't.
You have some big bumps ahead but the path you are on is headed the right way.
You stray away but seem to find your way back a tiny bit easier now.
You do it as an orphan the whole time but you do it.
You hold on to anger at times, you hold grief closely at others.
Always aware of the abandonment, always tinted a little by it.
You grow more and more, you begin your own family, not sure you think you deserve it but you go for it.
You go through devastation and sink low but you come back and are soooo very lucky and blessed.
You know unconditional love for the first time ever flowing both ways.
You feel their absence at time early on that aches deeply.
Then you have revelations and you get angry.
You stop excusing their weakness and re-parent your own little child within.
You love yourself in new beautiful ways.
You love opposite as they did.
You cherish, you nurture, you do not abuse, anyone, nor let anyone abuse you, even yourself anymore.
You grow, you flourish in so many ways, you feel glimpses of content more and more.
Then the acute awareness of your orphanhood hits you and you know you must not leave your gift that world.
So you begin to try for another gift, to be lucky again.
Then it doesn't happen and their is more loss.
And more loss.
And you question yourself and live in anticipated moments not really living for so long.
But you don't think of them much, just in what you want to leave for your own gift.
Just of the love you feel and want to give and teach.
And finally after a very long and very hard road you get lucky again and you begin living again.
And breathing again at last.
But what do you do with the feelings towards them?
I do not forgive, they had no excuse.
But can I say their is no feelings there?
No I cannot.
So what to do with those complicated, not too pretty feelings?
I do not notice them often but they are there, and sometimes, like long nights after even longer days they almost choke me for a few moments.
Rage, grief, fear, hate, love, sadness, loss, pity, disgust, resentment, wistfulness, pain.
They are melded into one amalgam of sensation I do not no what to do with.

Do you?

the mother of the genius...

So it is 1:30 in the morning and I am awake with far too many thoughts which I am sure I will write about in future days but the latest thoughts have turned to the entry two posts ago about Bliss' realization at our strange idioms.

Here is my new thought. We say "I like that don't I?" which we already decided makes no sense, but we also say "I don't like that do I?" That makes no sense either!!!!! But there has to be something to the negative positive and the positive negative, but really it IS past 1:30 in the morning and I am not going there.

Night night.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

middle names...

So I am very particular about names for my child/ren.

I know the first name years prior. The middle name usually not until right before birth.

I do not like gender specific names at all.

I really care about the meaning of the names.

Bliss Om is about the creation of Bliss. It fit and fits perfectly.

Soul is the name of this baby.

I have been really discussing middle names with Bliss lately because I like the idea of him having input.

He said he may like the idea of sharing a middle name with the baby which I like but we decided we are not sure.

So I am writing what we are thinking of down, but let me be clear, I am not needing opinions, I am VERY comfortable with my choices and am writing this more for the record and the enjoyment of being able to later look at how this came to pass. Plus I thought I would share it with the blog world.

Soul Om (which would be the sharing which may be really adorable)
Soul Breath
Soul Zen
Soul Light (sadly this CANNOT be used due to our last name)
Soul Peace

And yes they are all crunchy, I would not have it any other way.

Anyhow thought I would share.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

out of the mouth of a genius...

"Mama I like pineapple don't I?"

"Yes you do honey."

"Mama why do we say 'don't I'?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do we say 'don't I' instead of saying like 'I like pineapple, I do'?"

"Hmmm hun, that is a really good question and I am not sure, it doesn't make as much sense does it?"

(He went on to further esplain how it does not make sense to say 'don't I' when he is actually asking if he does or asking if I know he does, and why use 'don't' when he is asking if he does...genius I tell ya)

Thursday, March 12, 2009


I have not been updating lately and i should be but I am just in limbo hell and never do well with that. If you don't believe me do a search for that word on my blog...it is never fun for me.

Anyhow we made an offer on a home and it was accepted. We are paying more than i want but we bought all 6.5 acres(it was listed for just 3) and in the long run it will be really great. I know this.


It has a tenant and so they will not close until April 30th. I am due the 20th although I do not put much stock in due dates. Bliss went 42 weeks and was forced out. But conditions have already been met and all has gone through and now it is a waiting game. The tenant could move out in a week, or not until July. There are very real legal issues with him and the current owners that make either time line a distinct possibility and there is really nothing we can do to help it along. I know that may seem strange since we have an April 30th closing but that is the facts and now we just wait. He is a nice man but frustrated at the owners because he was under the impression the house was being taken off the market.

But now there is nothing to do really. We cannot afford to be spending money, we do not have our stuff except bare bare minimum things. We have no idea what is happening on the moving situation and I am frustrated.

The rental we are in is expensive and we also have to pay a ton for storage which we really do not want to continue to pay. The bed is a hotel queen, so a small queen or a big full which is not ok for Bliss and I AND the new baby. I co-sleep. My choice, and something I STRONGLY believe in, and I am not sure how things will work at all if I am not out of here before I give birth. Our wonderful bed is still unreachable in storage and would cost a lot to have brought here to the rental.

I also feel like crap most of the time. I did get to a doctor's appt which got me a referral to an OB. The doc listened on her doppler and all was declared fine. She did nothing I can't do though so no news there. My fundus is measuring about 4 weeks ahead but it always was, the baby still seems small to me which is very strange and I look forward to getting some more info on that. The baby moves often though so that has been comforting.

I still throw up once or twice a week, tried a new med which has not done really anything. It seems I either spend a day sick and do not throw up or spend a day throwing up but feel better after.

I know things will work out but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am getting so crabby this week and I do not want my last few precious weeks with Bliss as just a twosome to be filled with crabby miserable mama so I am frustrated. The stress is also keeping me up at night. I expect that since my body has to gear up for waking all night soon enough but I am just yuck.

That is why I haven't been posting much.

It HAS been beautiful here, there is a ton of neat stuff I could say or show on the new place and Nova Scotia stuff, but I just want to be in our house first.

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it out to hopefully feel better.

Monday, March 02, 2009

dirt update...


Tubular Adenoma of the Mammary is all it was. Pathologist said it was the most harmless mammary tumor he has seen.


Sunday, March 01, 2009

show and tell for melissa...

I finally downloaded pictures from the trip across and came across this I had taken in line at a Wal*Mart in Ontario. I took it with Mel in mind, I thought she would appreciate it. Especially if you remember THIS post of hers.

I got quite a few strange stares in line as I took it and Bliss asked me very pointedly why I was taking a picture of those. I explained it was for Melissa for Show and Tell and that seems to satisfy him.

Friday, February 27, 2009

update on dirt... (updated)

Dirt is ok, her surgery only took 12 minutes and they got great margins. We will not know the pathology for a week and in the meantime I had to go grab a onesie from storage so she won't lick or scratch her stitches. She has 5 stitches by the way, she gets them out next Wednesday.

She lost her nipple but she is really doing well and was very feisty this morning.

Both dogs are also doing great with the booties and with running out to potty in the snow now.

I am in hell with house hunting still and really not writing much and feeling pressured to find something. It will work out but I may not be as expressive as usual for a bit.

UPDATE: BTW the onesie was the vet's suggestion and it works brilliantly. Funny tidbit though, I grabbed the smallest one I own, and it is one that never even fit Bliss at birth because he was so big (10lb 1oz).

Sunday, February 22, 2009

more stuff...

I almost forgot. Potato chips, same brand even.....it is soo strange. I do not eat them often but especially pregnant, even though I like salty while pregnant, because they always repeat on me. They have an after taste and a repeating thing.

In Canada.....they have never done either, at all. Even roomie mentioned how different they are. More potato taste and natural seeming. SO strange.

Also I have lost 4 pounds since we left the US, that is back in the negative numbers for the entire pregnancy. So weird but all is ok.

We got the storage redistributed today. The amount of stuff more we saw broken was just beyond comprehension. A vacuum cleaner literally broken in half, a cast iron bench with the iron legs broken, a tower heater with the entire casing shattered. Every corner shelf from the organizer closet unit broken (that's 5 shelves), our Ikea shelving units with shattered cubby shelves and bins. Our Rubbermaid bins broken in pieces with entire tops off and shattered.

It is sooo shocking. We are still trying to file our complaint with the company but they seem to never return calls.

I did get to some needed things though and now my printer is hooked up as is Bliss' computer so homeschooling can resume. I also got some TVs so roomie and I can relax watching when needed. I also finally organized the stuff in Bliss and my room and put stuff away so we got a lot done today and we feel much more normal.

Tomorrow we are looking at more property but it is far away so it will be a long driving day. Then a day to pamper Dirt before her surgery.

Friday, February 20, 2009

news on dirt...

I just got the call from the Vet. They found epithelial neoplasia cells in the slides from Dirt's lump.They can be adenoma (benign tumor in origin) or adenocarcenoma (malignant) but in cases of these findings they always recommend immediate lumpectomies. When I had thyroid cancer I had papillary and adenocarcenoma. The latter is a fast growing kind and with how fast this lump appeared under her nipple I fear it may likely be that.

The vets feel it was caught extremely early and we will have the mass sent out to get 100% confirmation of exactly what is in it but it all makes me sad. She is my baby, she has been through so much with me. She feels fine this is way to early to cause any physical ailments but it still makes me weep.

Surgery is scheduled for this upcoming Wednesday. We are lucky in that the vet hospital is near.


Thanks for all the supportive comments.

I am still trying to sort out the storage situation and condition of much stuff.

We went looking at places yesterday, nothing yet but a possible possibility. We are seeing another place Monday and some others next week. I am trying not to get overwhelmed. My head has been a bit noisy lately but I am trying to shut it up and remain calm.

I am apparently becoming a cliche with the throwing up in the morning now and needing dill pickles to feel even remotely not queasy.

I have apparently stopped biting my nails, which is VERY strange. I have always bitten them. What is most strange to me is since I went off the pre-natal vitamin my nails are suddenly thicker than they have ever been and strong.

WHY? How is that possible?? The logical scientist mind in me is stumped and confused. I though third trimester is when the baby sucks the most calcium from me. Plus I am not eating much dairy. I have actually worried about my calcium intake (doc said stopping pre-natal was ok with the vomiting thing) and now I have strong thick, growing nails????

Some differences I have noticed here. Special K is not like in the states at all, it is like rice krispies more so.

Corn Pops are VERY different (not that I would eat them now) but I always liked them as a kid and here they are round and hard seeming. Bliss and roomie still like them, roomie says they are like when she was a kid.

It is hard to find sourdough bread, especially any SF sourdough.

Fast food is sooo much better made here it is shocking, soooo much less additive crap.

So nice not to have corn syrup in everything and be able to buy CS free bread easily.

At the store meats are sold by weight per Kg but specials are written on the little signs as weight per Lb. Gets confusing.

Milk is expensive. (another reason we need a cow)

Tortilla's are strange but we were in California which was heaven for good ones.

Great veggies and fruit and really reasonable prices which has shocked me.

Lots of snow, still barely wearing a jacket and loving it. Yesterday I got to drive an hour in a blizzard.

Baby moving a lot which makes me happy. Have taken 2 naps in the last week which were needed. I am finally to that must rest stage.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

beyond my current coping skills...

So I finally got to the storage place today to check on the stuff and see about grabbing a couple of things.
They only got it all there on Sunday.
My stuff is crammed into 3 16 foot units even though I asked for a 24 and was told he would likely use a 32 foot unit. I would rather have paid for a 24 AND a 32 and been able to see anything.
I cannot get to anything.
All the stuff that was so carefully packed so I could get to it upon arrival is lost to me.
All baby newborn necessity stuff is unreachable.
On top of all of this my stuff, our stuff, is trashed. There is a rip in my couch chair, the carpet cleaner is broken, the little ride on train for the baby is in pieces.
I am beyond devastated.
I of course call the second movers to register my alarm and complaint to see about filing a claim.
What am I told??
I am told that it was likely customs searching stuff that did it.
This is total bullshit, I know this but that is what they are saying.
And of course I have to handle ALL of this, me, the pregnant one, because I always do.
But right now I do not want to.
I am angry and pissed and upset and want to scream.
I see boxes back in the units, marked all over with huge FRAGILE letter half caved in on sides.
Until it is all unpacked I will not even know the extent of the damage.
I paid sooooooooooo fucking much money to have this all moved and I paid as much to the asshat second movers to move 700 miles as I did to the first to get it from California to Quebec City.
This is ALL the problem of the second movers.
I am gutted.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


We are here. In Nova Scotia. In the rental.
We got here Thursday afternoon.
I now have internet.
We are exhausted. Two weeks on the road has done me in pretty much.
The weather has been rain and snow prior to our arrival, rain the day we drove in so there is a LOT of ice.
I have taken one bad fall, on my butt, and have the scrape and bruise to prove it.
Roomie has taken two spills.
There was no salt or sand in town until yesterday which was frustrating.
I got show spikes finally and sand finally.
Happy Valentine's Day to all.
Mama dog, the lil one in the movie named Dirt has a sudden lump under one nipple I need to get checked ASAP.
I am ok but really really tires and sore and just ugh.
I am trying to recoup this weekend and then start the house search next week.
Things will likely be pretty sparse for a time here.
Baby seems fine, moving around daily.
I will be getting a doc or midwife soon.
I have 250 feeds to read in my RSS feed reader. I will try to get to them but who knows.
Love to all.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

trying something new...

The girls trying snow booties for the first time on snow covered ground.
Roomie is briefly in movie, excuse my awful voice.

Friday, February 06, 2009

oh canada...

We made it to Canada. We stayed in Michigan last night and came across the border today.

The immigration part took like 2 minutes. The customs part took almost and hour and a half but it was mainly because I do not have an address here yet and the place we are renting short term I do not have the address of yet and the phone number I did not have but on email.

I finally got the number and left a message and then they, THANKFULLY, called back quick and all was good.

Next was the fact that we bought our van at such a good price and their value book showed it was more and then one of the agents was telling me we had to have it over 6 months or take a huge hit. But I had called about this prior along with everything else regarding the car so the woman helping us went to check and beyond the import fee ($240) we owed not one other cent. WAHOOOO!!!

So we are just outside Toronto and exhausted. The shippers have been delayed so we will be taking our sweet time to get to Quebec city and will likely not be to Nova Scotia until the middle of next week.

We are all beyond tired of being in the car. The poor dogs are dealing with trying to sniff a place to poop in the snow along with one getting car sick today in the Toronto traffic. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

More soon.