huh...

I realized about a week ago that I had passed my one year blogiversary back in October. Strange that I didn't notice. So yay me. Rah.

OK That's done.

I am battling this cold thing sweeping the nation. I lost my voice for 3 days. It wasn't painful but it was exhausting. The effort it took to "push air" to communicate was so draining. Bliss kept asking me to use my normal voice. I had to explain it over and over. Then he got fine with it and my voice changed yet again to some new croaking squealing sound and he told me to use the other sick voice. He is so funny.

Speaking of funny he informed me yesterday he was a "gorgeous punk" (I often call him a punk) and I was an "ordinary punk." I was offended for about 3 minutes, then I asked him if he knew what ordinary meant. He said no. I laughed. He also told me my suggestion to him about a game wasn't the right antidote. I have no idea where he learns these words.

We have spent this week laughing together a lot. The Lupron really is manageable at 5 units. Today I began estrogen patches and Dexamethasone. I am not sure what I am feeling. This is the time of year I stress over money. Well I always stress over it but this is the time of year it is much worse than usual. Add to that the microwave arching and smoking requiring a new one, the house breaker going bad and needing replacing (a lovely $60 Zinsco type), the car DVD player suddenly going bad and needing replacing, and Bliss's Leapster going on the fritz and needing exchanging I am about done with all this bad electronics karma. All but the last cost so much to replace and at such a hard time of year. Between Bliss's birthday, x-mas and my roomies birthday later this week it is a rough time anyways. Now it is downright painful.

I am also stressing about this damn housing market. We will be putting our house up for sale one year from now. This slump has got to end by then or we are in major trouble. I do not want anything to impede the move to Canada and this so could.

Whew. OK so now that is out there. It helps me tremendously to purge this stuff from time to time. I have my biorhythms and meditation to help me relax and writing this out helps as well.

I am still pretty numb about the upcoming FET. I am not sure how much is defense mechanism and how much is residual pain from the failed IVF. I thought I was past it a little further than I obviously am. I still have days where the tears overtake me and says where I am Miss Bitter but for the most part I am doing pretty well considering.

As for diet and exercise I am still off for one more week. I order from a special New York bakery every year for my roomies birthday. She grew up there and I have all her favorites sent. Her b-day is the 5th so I have given myself through the 7th to indulge, then I begin again to be sensible and work out 3 times a week again. I have not been weighing myself since quite frankly I do not want to know.

My first ultrasound this cycle is coming up on the 2nd. I will likely feel a bit better after that.

Happy New Year to all. May this year bring you what you need and may your also find it is exactly what you want.

the new cycle...

Happy Holidays to everyone. Thanks so much for reading, supporting, and being there. It is truly amazing how much it helps to have a place to come and vent and find others who truly understand. It is also saving me the cost of a therapist right now which is an added bonus. I wish for each and every one of you peace in your hearts and peace in your homes and I wish for the world some much needed Peace.

I am bleeding like the Amazon River. It is a good thing since it is cleansing and so much better than the pent up feeling the week before. I began Thursday late afternoon. I began BCP on Friday for 5 days. I start Lupron tomorrow. The FET is scheduled for the 16th. There was some confusion about what my schedule would be and what my Lupron dose would be but it got worked out. I said I was fine with whatever but was confused when we discussed one way and I got emailed a different way. They revised it and it is back to the first way. It is hard because I want it like yesterday, but I don't want to rush things in a way that makes it less than ideal. That is a balancing act I am not sure how to do.

Did any of you do your FET the cycle after your IVF with success? I don't see why it would be a problem but the paranoia sets in no matter what I do.

In other news I have been ready for the Holiday for eons but have yet to wrap stuff. I should wrap as I buy throughout the year but alas I haven't mastered that yet. I went to bed early last night so maybe tonight I will find some time. Today I have been addressing Holiday Cards since we FINALLY took the picture for it and had them printed up.

Have a wonderful weekend and week.

P.S. If anyone knows how to make it so when I post a pic it isn't transparent I would greatly appreciate it.

a new plan..

I have been doing ok, not crying too much and eating homemade mac n cheese until I am numb. Until today. I had emailed the doc after talking to his wife (the nurse) and going over all my wishes and questions about doing the FET. I emailed him Friday and hadn't heard back yet. I called today and left a message and finally he called me this evening. This is unusual, he always writes me back fast. Well he had been looking for my email all weekend and had never gotten it. I re-sent it as we spoke and he got it and went over it.

We talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I love this man, truly. He is so kind and thoughtful and thorough. We went over my every fear and my every question. We discussed two different types of natural FET cycles. He discussed success rates and medical studies. We went over how the schedule would go and what could come up as a problem. If I was to do the natural FET that was in my head, ovulating on my own then timing the FET the only possible hindrance would be if my cycle wasn't "regular."

I then asked about what the schedule would be on the medicated FET and what meds and amounts. I realized that the one time your cycle isn't "normal" is when you need it to be. I also realized I am not in a place to handle a cancelled FET due to a weird cycle.

I also discussed my feeling of being "broken." Not from an emotional standpoint, although that is certainly a factor right now, but from a scientific standpoint. I have been pregnant three times. I have a child. Now I cannot get pregnant. What is wrong with my body that wasn't before? I know age plays a role but I just cannot seem to accept that for myself.

I also discussed the diet and how it has been out the window. I worry now I will stress about staying on it. I have no PCOS and no diabetes in my family but the insulin stuff can affect things. We decided to put me on Metformin as well this cycle which takes some pressure off.

So I stop the progesterone now and begin BCP the day I start menses. I will be on it for only 5 days and start Lupron on day 4. I am only going to be on 5 units of the Lupron which is very good news since how acted on 10 units last time. After that I will start Vivelle patches for almost 2 weeks and then begin PIO for 5 days until the transfer. I will be getting my exact schedule in the next day or so and will post more when I have it.

I am glad to be back to having a plan. I will also be transferring all that make the thaw, potentially 3, and they will be hatched as well.

I ran errands today and in the aisle at the grocery store I stood there as three pregnant women came to get things on the same shelf I was at, one after another. I felt like I was being bombed. I am so ultra sensitive right now. I am walking on eggshells with my self which is ridiculous.

The emotions are so layered. I am ok on the surface much of the time with this sadness just below. Deeper I am layer upon layer of fear and devastation that comes gushing to the surface like a geyser but not at any regular intervals. I feel beaten by myself, my body, my dreams and hopes. And then when I feel like I cannot breathe from the pain and will surely suffocate, it goes back deep down and I am pretty ok again.

So now I wait to bleed.

7dp5dt (beta day)...

HCG<1

I spent the last two days crying pretty much non-stop. I am still crying today but not as much. Having a test of less than one means they never even implanted even a little. I will be doing an FET, hopefully natural except for estrogen and progesterone. I also want to do it next cycle so if I stay on the PIO a few more nights I can hopefully push my cycle back a bit so I will be ovulating the first week of January instead of the last week of December. We shall see if it works. I currently have a heating pad glued to my ass to keep the pain down, I am about to add Margarita's to the mix and it should improve even more.

So I had been doing fine with the PIO shots. I was able to use the 25 g needle which helped and it had been fine. I have lumps in my hips but the pain has been minimal. If I press down on the area it is a bit sore but otherwise OK. I alternated sides each night and had my calendar marked which side to do so I would not forget.

Last night I did my right side, no problems. This morning I woke up crippled on my left side. The lumps seem to have congealed together in the night somehow and I cannot manage to walk without this strange limp/hitch in my get-up thing. I am in a LOT of pain and it makes no sense. I used a heated rice bag this morning but it still is just killing me.

I would say that I am lucky then that my HCG came back <1 and I can stop the shots but even that isn't happening.

6dp5dt...

After another negative hpt I am feeling pretty down. Staring at that whiter than white half of the test all I feel is this fear and anger bubbling up. Yesterday I spent the entire morning crying and mourning for our Sarah and today I am just bitter. I am angry at all the cliche things to be angry at. I am angry that I anguish over the caffeine in some chocolate I ate and it's possible effects on me getting pregnant while another junkie gets knocked up with her 4th kid. I am angry at all of my friends who have 2 or more children which is entirely unfair and awful of me. I am angry that desire means jack shit in this IF world. I am angry that I am too fat to get pregnant and even when I went through hell and lost the weight and got pregnant I lost the baby. I am angry that financially it is an awful time to keep trying but I have to because of my age and the fact that we are moving in 13 months. I am angry that I cannot give my son the thing he wants and needs most beyond my love. I am angry at how I look at my body now, after so many years learning to rejoice in it and love it flaws and all, but this flaw I cannot seem to forgive. I am angry that I get to feel pregnant through this wait, that I know well what feeling pregnant is like as I have been pregnant three times, but I also know that this feeling doesn't mean shit.

My beta is tomorrow. I will go early and wait patiently but I have little hope.

4dp5dt...

I am doing ok. I have been taking it easy. Even when I went to get groceries I let the bagger take the bags out to the truck and my roomie take them in the house. I even asked someone in a parking lot to put up my tailgate (it's big and heavy) for me, which is not easy for me. I am very strong, truly, in an uncanny way. When I was in grad school I bought my first fridge and I carried it on my back from my truck to my apartment. So explaining to others I cannot lift anything over 10 pounds is strange, but I am happy to do so for the cause.

As for how I feel it is useless to get to much into it. I am on tons or progesterone and estrogen and I know they give all the symptoms I have. My boobs hurt and are full, my womb feels heavy, and I have cramps on and off throughout the day. All things I have felt when pregnant, and when not.

I am still starving all the time but I refuse to stress over it. If I told you what I ate for breakfast today you would think me truly a whale.

I will likely POAS early, maybe tomorrow but I am not sure. Friday is still beta day #1.

I get a little freaked out about what I will do with either outcome potential. I know I can do an FET next and even another IVF after of this doesn't happen. I also know it will hurt like hell. If it does happen my biggest goal is to really try and enjoy every minute I remain pregnant. Having had 2 m/c's after heartbeat was seen sucks so much for feeling good at all in the first trimester and I really want to try and change how I deal with that and try and focus on enjoying every moment. Much easier said than done. But I only hope I get to have that struggle.

Peace.

1dp5dt...

I have spent the day watching movies and eating and drinking pom and soda water.
I am a bit crampy but not bad at all.
I went to bed last night at 8pm which was great.
I got the call from the embryologist this afternoon. The last one didn't make it. So I have three embryos frozen. One grade 1, one grade 2, and one grade 3.
I will take that and try to remain very positive.
I will spend tomorrow in bed as well and then take it easy the rest the week.
I would like to get a hold on this ravenous hunger thing as well.

transfer...

I am home from the transfer and the acu.
5 made it to blast and another is getting another day.
We transferred 2 grade 2 blasts that looked great with little to no fragmentation.
The doc and embryologist felt transferring 3 was too big a triplet risk with me.
Bliss was brought in for the transfer and held my hand and right when the plunger was pushed, unbeknown to him., he bent down and kissed my hand. I almost cried and it was magic.

I am laying down and watching movies.

wow...

I just got the call. I am being moved to a day 5 transfer. Two of the three others caught up and I have 7 going to blast, or trying at least. I am pretty surprised but also excited and then also feeling like damn!, now I have to make it through two more days.

random utterings...

"I would rather eat a cup than blow up a balloon by myself and be afraid of the dark."

Bliss age 5

fertilization report...

I just got the call. Of the 11, five have fertilized normal, three are on the wait and see list and three were abnormal. The interesting thing was the three abnormal were all extra sperm entering the egg. So I have 5 so far and a possible 3 more.

I am ok with this. I am not gonna lie I would have liked all 11 to fertilize but this is still good.

Now I wait until Wednesday to see if I will be having my transfer at 9:30am on that day or if it will be pushed back to Friday. I am pretty sure it will be Wednesday.

ER done...

I just got home from the ER. They got 11 eggs and the doctor was very pleased. I feel good and am happy to say I did not get queasy which usually happens.
Diet plan pretty much out the window today. I HATE that an IHOP is right next door to the clinic.
I will get the fertilization report tomorrow and then Wed. I will know if ET is then or Friday.

p.s. I thought with the IVF finally commencing it was time for a new template and that the dandelion fit with my big wish right now.

p.p.s. Thanks to this video I have also given my first PIO shot completely painlessly with a 25g needle. YAHOO!!

friday u/s...

I had my u/s today.
I even drank about 48 oz. of water this morning and had a cup of coffee just to try and make sure my bowels wouldn't be something that elusive left ovary could hide behind.
Between the anxiety of it coming so soon and the caffeine (which I usually do not respond to) I am have been pretty hyper and jittery today.
The u/s was great, the right one was "showboating" as the doc puts it and had tons of big ones. The left was elusive but he spent even more time and finally had the assistant press on my belly when I said I was sure it was high up. I pressed with her really hard on my belly and it rolled into view. There are 2 mature follies in there so I am super happy. They also counted 10 on my right.
I am listing them just for suture reference.

Right Ovary

16x12
13x11
22x18
24x23
21x15
19x13
22x15
26x23
22x13
18x14

4 others < 10

Left Ovary

23x22
22x16

Lining

14/9.2


So I have 10/12 mature which I am over the moon about as is the doc. It was also so neat because all women who had been at the egg class were before and after me and we were all able to cheer each other before and after our appointments. Also the staff would all wait in the hall to hear the news after each u/s and get super excited for each patient too. They were also decorating a gift bag for a woman coming in later for her last u/s before being discharged to her OB. The bag was a "mommy gift bag" and one of those personal touches that makes me love my clinic.

My ER will be Sunday, I will find out the exact time later today. So tonight is my trigger shot.

On my way home I picked up fast food for lunch. The doc says to try and stay on the maintenance phase but if I go off here and there not to stress that they have already grown. He also says that lowering stress is more important than following exact, so hence the burger, fries, and soda today. I will try and stay on track as much as possible though. I have done well thus far for 1.5 months following exact so I am giving myself a little latitude here.

I am good otherwise, just excited. I got an early x-mas gift of a bio-feedback computer game I am going to try out starting today so hopefully that will add to me staying calm and focused.

Peace.

egg class...

I just got home from egg class at my clinic. It was 2.5 hours. I was dreading it since I know this stuff (did embryo transfer with cattle in college). The class was great, and so informative. I wish I could have the transcripts to post here. I had to run to the restroom to give my stim shots at one point. I was the only single person and the only queer. I learned a lot which is a great night in my book.

ultrasound...

I had my u/s this morning to see how I am cooking the eggs.

The doc was wonderful as usual.

The good news is I had 8 follies on my right ovary. All were between 11-15 in size. My lining was 13.2 as well which was great.

The not so great news was my left ovary was hiding. He spent a LONG time looking and I even go up and went pee during the u/s to try and help the glare my bladder was throwing on things in there. He finally said he thought he saw it with 1 inside but to be honest he was not sure. He said the follies could just be real small so far, or it could be my right is just doing all the work this cycle, or it is still hiding and we will see it Friday. (on a side not at my clinic the Doctor does all the u/s's himself)

I am a bit bummed about that but happy about the 8 on the right. The weird thing is that I have been feeling my left ovary more than my right the past few days.

I have my next u/s on Friday morning and he think my ER will likely be Sunday but will know for sure Friday.

I have the Egg Class (embryology class) tonight and acupuncture Thursday and besides that I am just doing my shots twice a day and trying to be positive. I am starting to feel the stim bloat which I am sure will get more and more uncomfortable over the next 3 days.

If anyone has a history of the hiding ovary I would love to hear stories. I have never had this happen before so it is the one thing my mind wants to obsess on.

what I am thankful for... *

* see previous post

Happy Thanksgiving

my bliss...

Five years ago today my every dream, my every wish of every penny I ever threw in a fountain, my every hope came true. Five years ago I truly gave birth to my Bliss.

The details of the birth are not how I would have wanted, but they are for another post. This is about Bliss. This is about my heart that lives outside my body.

When I saw him it was so overwhelming that I kept pinching myself. I would pinch myself, hard and seriously, numerous times a day for the entire first year of his life. I could not fathom that I was so fortunate to be able to have this beautiful wondrous being in my life. I still am amazed that I get to be his mama, that I get to wake up to his face each day and know him and watch him grow.

He is the light, the joy, the laughter, the faith, the truth of my life. He is so funny and smart and observant and kind and just interesting in every way. He has given me the opportunity to heal myself in so many ways as well. Along with parenting him I have been able to re-parent myself and love the little girl inside of me that was hurt so deeply and so often throughout my own childhood. I have been able to find that self love and self awe I have for my son in myself. One of the first things I realized right after he was born through my awe of his beauty was my own beauty.

I believe life is about growth and improvement on a personal level. I have never worked so hard, nor wanted to work so hard to grow and improve as I have since becoming his mother. I want to be a better human being always, but especially for my son.

I am so "blissed" in my life (a term I use often) as a result of this amazing being and today I will start the day telling him the story of his birth. The story of all the good and bad but mostly of how deeply he was wanted and loved and how at 6:11am on November 21, 2002 my every everything came out of my body and into my world and has made it so wonderful every single second since.

I love you Bliss.

I will love you forever and for always because you are my dear one.

Love your Mama

let the stims begin...

Today I dropped down to 5 units of Lupron. I have been having pretty nasty headaches from it and they have been worsened by this crud cold sinus thing going around. I finally resorted to Tylenol this weekend but managed to keep it to one dose per day. I am trying to not put anything more that absolutely necessary in me right now.

Tonight I began stims. I take 150 units of Menopur and 375 of Follistim. I am really glad to be here as it is one more big step closer to the ER and the ET.

I also had my first food from the "bad" list. I had a soft pretzel at Sams Club. I do not want to know what horrid additives they have in them or it will make me ill but they have the BEST soft pretzels. I never even eat them anywhere else they have spoiled me for all time. It was good but I was stressed at the time from Lupron loopiness and probably did not enjoy it as much as I could have. I get my first cheat day this week but it is mixed with my vacation days for Thanksgiving. It actually makes it really hard that it is coming up so fast. I am staying strong so far but my goddess I want to just eat oatmeal with tons of butter and brown sugar covered in half and half with a huge cup of coffee. lmao I swear that is what I have been craving. The sad thing is I can make oatmeal, a normal amount, a 1000 calorie meal. So sad.

I am gearing up for my Bliss's 5th birthday this Wednesday. It makes me quite emotional. All the cliches about how fast babies grow were a gross understatement. Time has flown by and it only seems to get faster and faster. It truly crushes me. I have this urge to express so much about him but I will save that for his birthday.


The shopping is done and I am very excited about Thanksgiving. I just adore cooking that meal. This year I am scaling down a bit because of my diet. None of my special stuffing and only pumpkin pie. I usually make 3-4 different pies but that would just be self abuse after the 2 days off I get and I am not prepared to suffer that way. The stuffing is also for those reasons and because it is hard to make a tiny amount. I am actually fine without it, it means I will have yummy rolls instead. I will be eating TONS of mashed potatoes though!!!

like surgery without the hospital stay...

I was a healthy kid. I also had parents who didn't believe the sniffles or a slight fever were reasons to stay home from school. I have always been relatively healthy, except when I am not. I know that sounds obvious but what I mean is I am usually fine, or having surgery. I have always been healthy until suddenly I am not and end up with some surgery and then I am fine again. I have had 10 (I believe) surgeries in my life. I still have my tonsils, but little else.

As a result of all these surgeries I am well acquainted with anesthesia and all it's effects. I am also well versed in prep, surgery, and recovery for a wide variety of ailments and procedures.

It is with this knowledge and background that I wrote the title to this post. Going through IVF is much like having a very very long and intense surgery and an even longer recovery all while we are to function daily without complaint and go on with our lives like all is fine. We are also to do all of this without the hospital stay.

Let's begin with the prep, the years we have spent living in two week increments, having our hopes raised and then smashed to smithereens every cycle we do not attain our goal. The countless miscarriages, blighted ovum's, chemical pregnancies, and ectopic nightmares we all endure. Then when we finally come to the next point the bar is raised, the hope climbs further still, and then we get our box of drugs in the mail.

The second phase I call the start of surgery but some may still consider it prep. The drugs. Most will start BCP a full month before the actual IVF. That is the appetizer drug, causing mild to moderate mood swings, if not worse, bloating for some, acne for some, clear skin for others, and crying, for some lucky ones such as myself, lots and lots of crying. Then you add the Lupron (if this is your protocol) which feels soooo good to start because it feels like you are finally doing something proactive. Injecting your belly each day feels like a step in the right direction. That is until the anger, rage, bitchiness from hell and short fuse to match no other begins. Then when the anger is just getting to it's peak the headaches begin. Just the thing to really help that bad mood.

Next is the stims. That, again feels like a step forward, and usually come with a decrease in the Lupron, but it has it's own fine side effects. The bloating really begins in earnest now. So does the crampiness, and overall body aches. I was on a very low dose my last two months trying before moving to IVF and I am only too thrilled to see what the doses I am about to start will bring to my table. Really, so thrilled. Not. And let's not forget to mention OHSS which besides being very painful and very possibly dangerous to one's health, it can also cancel the entire cycle.

Along with the stims you may have a host of other side dishes to take, from baby aspirin, to Dexamethasone, to estrogen, all of which can have more lovely side effects depending on your own body. Add to those the trigger shot which is actually pregnancy hormone so you may start feeling pregnant even though you haven't even had the transfer yet.

Then the ultrasound/s to determine how many eggs are growing and their sizes. Does anyone sleep the night before these?? So add sleep deprivation to list of helpful symptoms.

Then the ER, which IS a surgery with all the fun of anesthesia and queasiness and worry and out-of-it-ness that comes with surgeries. Then when you should be relaxing and recovering from the very real surgery you just had you get to freak out wondering and praying and begging everything that is real to you that the eggs they got fertilize. Then you get to do the same thing over again with hoping they grow.

It is at this time you usually get to start the PIO shots with the ten inch needle in your ass 1-100 times a day depending. Fun stuff and it starts giving you pregnancy symptoms even more so now. Swelling breasts, queasiness, increased sense of smell. All of it and you know it is all just a lovely side effect but it still plays havoc with your head and your heart.

Then, hopefully you make it this far because let's face it we all know women who do not, you get to the ET. So you try to be calm, do the acupuncture or whatever you can to be relaxed and then drink a bunch of water and have the ET on a full bladder and try to spend the rest of that day, if not the next week, calm and relaxed.

This brings us to the two week wait, or 10 day or 15 day or whatever your doc decides it to be. During this time you need to take it easy, not exert yourself or get your heart rate up. Never mind you are barely able to breathe wishing and hoping so hard for it to take. Never mind you are financially destitute from this one try and know you may well need 5 or 10 of these before it works, if it works.

And once again I remind you, all of this is without the hospital stay. All of this without nurses tending to our every need. Without cooks making our meals which we chose according to how we are feeling every day. No staff making our beds and helping us to the bathroom or shower. Of course some of us have partners who do much but many of us find our our partners may not be capable of this or we have no partners at all and do this on our own. Many more of us have a child or two already who need caring for while we go through this process.

And I would do it over and over and over again if I could just end up with my baby in my arms.

If I could just finally have my Soul.

so it begins...

I began Lupron today. I am so glad to have started this phase because it means I am that much closer to the ER/ET dates. I have not had headaches or hot flashes yet but the mood thing....well let's just say I was a raving jerk for about an hour this morning and I really hope it was just me having an off day. I had to apologize to my son for being a grumpy meanie and tell him in the future if Mama starts using her "big voice" (as he calls it) to just ask me to hold him and I would quiet right down and be nicer because I could never be angry or grumpy while holding him, and because our rule that "niceness matters."

So of course the rest the day I have felt bad and after also apologizing to the roomie I am feeling much better.

On a strange note I found two half eaten bananas in my front yard, random.

I am working on meditation and jest being really present on my emotions when they begin to go haywire, or at least that is the goal.

I would also love non-carb, non sugar, non bread/flour/yogurt,banana ideas for breakfast beyond scrambled, fried, and omletted (my own word here) eggs. It is so strange, I can eat the same thing every single day if it is plain yogurt with granloa and honey or fruit and honey, or if it is a toasted wheat bagel with peanut butter and a banana, but when it is bacon and eggs or any of my now choices I seem to go nuts eating the same thing daily. I don't get it.

my child...

When I was pregnant with Bliss I am said the one thing I wanted more than anything, after health obviously, was a child with a sense of humor. I got my wish in spades and daily he cracks me up in new innovative and imaginative ways.

Bliss likes to make up words. I also did this throughout my childhood. He loves the word "taint" but it means something yucky or something he doesn't want to do, he will say "That is so taint!!!" He says all sorts of made up words all the time, some are just him playing with sounds and some he gloms onto for longer periods of time. Sometimes the words are utter nonsense sounds and sometimes they sound like words in the English language but they are not meant for the usual definitions.

Today Bliss started saying "I am so kunt." Then he said "That is so kunt" and laughed and laughed. No before you ask I will say that is not a word that has ever been used in front of him. First of all he doesn't do it that way and secondly I am the clingwrap mama who is never away from her child, no daycare, no babysitters, just me, so I know he has not heard it. Plus if he uses any word sounding like "stupid" (one of our bad words in this house) he always gives a look real fast like he knows he is skating on thin ice. So next he asked me if I knew what cunt meant and I said no what does it mean baby. He said it meant something was really really silly. LMFAO

I explained that that word was also a real word, and to many people it is a curse word or a vulgar word so it was probably a good idea that he doesn't use it anymore. I can just see the next time we go to the movies Bliss yelling out "That is so kunt!!" Not a great picture.

But still, he cracks me up to no end, and every day, no matter how bad that day may be, I laugh, a lot, because of my Bliss.

red quinoa couscous salad...

1 cup red Quinoa (or any color)
(cooked according to directions then cooled and chilled)
1 cucumber diced up small
1 red bell pepper diced small
1 package grape tomatoes cut in half
1/4 red onion diced small
2 spring onions diced small
2 tablespoons fresh basil chopped
2 tablespoons fresh mint chopped
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro chopped (optional)
1 teaspoon turmeric
1-2 tablespoons of curry powder (to taste)
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 tablespoons white balsamic vinegar

Toss together and serve.

I figured out the entire calorie count and it comes to 308 calories for 400 grams of salad for anyone interested.

let there be light...

During Halloween week we watched a movie called The Little Vampire. We enjoyed it. In the movie, in the boy's bedroom he has a beautiful blue star shaped wall lamp. It has tiny holes in it and it casts little polka dots of light around the room. I MUST have this light. I thought it was one from Ikea and went there only to find our local Ikea no longer carries it and won't be ordering it even though all others do. So the next day I drove 90 miles to the next closest Ikea to get it. They had it, but it was nothing even close to the one from the movie. It does not cast dots and just plain sucks.

I have posted on IMDB, I have even posted on the set designers page on IMDB. I am going nuts. I pride myself on being able to find things, a super sleuth in my own mind. I cannot find this. I cannot even find a picture of it for reference here for others to see. I want this light.

I have probable spent close to 4 hours online dedicated to just searching for this lamp. I am reminded of my obsessive tendencies as I scour the net for a picture or some item even closely resembling this light. Have I mentioned I want this light?

I WANT THIS LIGHT!!!

something important to me...

Just about anyone who reads my blog or any blog dealing with ttc knows Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters . Mel has created a port in our collective storm. A place to feel safe, to find others that truly "get it" no matter what our "it" may be. Her tireless enthusiasm is unapralleled and her creativity never ceases to amaze. All of this is done while she also maintains a great spousal relationship and wonderfully mothers twins. She truly is a Wonder Woman I look up to. She also always seems to have time to write a note, give some small sort of personal encouragement that makes me feel special, like I won some great contest.

Well now is our opportunity to show her how much we love her and how grateful we all are. She has been nominated for an award. It means a lot to her and would at the same time have the potential to really shed some light and education on the struggles of infertility. You can VOTE HERE and you can do it once every 24 hours. PLEASE DO and also take some time to say thanks so Mel for all she does. She deserves it.

shit shit shit...

So I spent two more hours on the phone this morning, being told the drugs were not covered, again, by the pharmacy and then calling back the insurance and being told that not only were they covered but here was a reference number. Finally the head manager of the pharmacy had a conference call with a head at my insurance and myself and the insurance person from the pharmacy and the end result, I am not covered for Gonal-F, Menopur, or Pregnyl (HCG). I am so peeved I cannot see straight. I am aware these drugs are often not covered, but 5 yes FIVE different people have told me they were at my insurance over the past week so it really ticks me off. It is also not fun when this is thrown last minute at me and now I am scrambling to figure out which credit card to charge these on. I talked to the doc and I can use Follistim if it is easier. I have a vial of it and the pen left from before which is good but still need 3-4 more 900 vials to get what I need. So anyone who has extra meds feel free to contact me and in the meantime I am scrambling and fuming.

what's new... (updated)

Happy Belated Halloween. Happy Samhain as well, and Dia de los Meurtos too.

Bliss had a great park party the day before, but I think he wore himself out spending 4 hours almost entirely on a merry-go-round spinning thing. On Halloween we had plans to trick or treat at the local businesses in a small nearby town but 5 minutes after we left we had to turn around because he said he was going to throw up. This was BEFORE he had had any candy. He decided not to go out at all and we got in the bath (it always makes him feel better). Then when we got out he was playing and seeming to feel better and then he began crying that he wanted to go, so we got ready and left again. This time half way there (it is about 20 minutes) he said he was sick again and needed something to throw up in. I grabbed my Trader Joe's bag that is plastic-like and gave it to him and pressed on as I knew he just had to get there. He put his head in the bag (it is a stiff bag, no suffocating hazard) for the entire rest of the drive. When we got there he perked up and we ended up having a really nice time. When we came home we ate and I let him have 8 small pieces of candy after which he said "no more for me" and then we spent the rest the night sitting on the front porch together talking and handing out candy. I have a "No Candy No Treats" policy and he thought it was a good one.

Yesterday I got my schedule which made me very very happy.

Nov. 5 - shot class
Nov. 12 - start Lupron 10 units
Nov. 14 - take last BCP
Nov. 19 - decrease Lupron to 5, start Gonal F 375,
start Menopur 150, and start Dexamethasone (25 days)
Nov. 27 - take AM Lupron then go in for U/S and find out HCG time & ER date, Embryology class in the evening

ET will likely be first few days of Dec.

They called in my meds and I got a call from the pharmacy this morning. It seems the Gonal F, Menopur, and HCG were not covered with them as they are only in-network for my RX benefits and those meds would be covered by my in-network pharmacy that covers my major medical. So they forwarded the Rx and I called the new (to me anyway) place. They were very nice and told me they would process everything and all me on the 6th to let me know what my coverage and co-pays were. That is great but I need to know now. On my insurance website it says these drugs are covered except for $30 co-pay. So I next called my insurance and they told me that all was ok and the pharmacy the first one had forwarded me to was the correct one and that it should all be covered and they were not even seeing that there was a co-pay. I still think there will be but I am happy to hear them tell me I will be covered since I had assumed I would be this whole time. I then asked if they could check the predetermination status since it had been sent in over 3 weeks and they have only 30 days to respond. She put me on hold then came back and said they had not gotten any predetermination requests. I got a fax number that was supposedly a direct one and then hung up and called the clinic. I KNOW they sent the stuff so I let my clinic know what they said and gave them the number and am currently waiting on a call back. It is not an awful thing, we already know I have coverage. The thing we don't know is if any specific parts of IVF are not covered, and I would really like to know that prior to the procedure, not that it would change anything but still.

So that is what's new with me.

UPDATED: Shortly after I posted I got a call from the new pharmacy saying now 4 drugs weren't covered, even though the previous pharmacy said it was only 3. They told me they needed me to get a letter from HR and from the insurance. WTF????? I called my insurance again and they said I was covered and I spent the next hour and a half talking to various people with my insurance company. They were then closed but still helping and finally said that we had to wait until Monday to get this straightened out. Then after all that time and all these different confirmations the first guy says "well we shall see if these meds are covered and get this figured out on Monday." He is one of the ones who had assured me they were covered. Three other people did as well, but shit, now I am worried all over again. I then went online to re-look at my coverage online because I can put in specific drugs and get cost projections, well it is temporarily unavailable, of course. I have cried and yelled and sighed for the past 2 hours on and off and now, as always in IF land, I wait.

back from RE...

WOW, I am actually feeling a bit excited.

I spent the week at the chiro and acu and have been feeling amazingly better since. Today was my u/s and blood work at the RE and I am feeling pretty excited right now.

First off I have been so worried about cysts or fibroids and I am completely clear. They used the speculum and then inserted and catheter into my cervix, then pumped the balloon to keep it into place. Then they took out the speculum and put in the u/s wand and then after looking around injected sterile saline to check things out. I have a very smooth walled uterus and everything looked perfect. I had at least 5 antral follicles on each ovary which he seemed really pleased with for an un-medicated cycle and only 6 days into my cycle. I have Go*ogled this already and have no idea what to think but I think I will choose to not dwell on the possibilities.

I was able to go over the 32 questions I had and he answered every one. He also listens and when we discussed Dexamethasone he said he usually used it with cases of endometriosis and I said ok but I had wondered with my history of Hashimoto's and the antibodies in me even though they are down to a pretty good level. His response was "oh, yes, I hadn't thought of that and in your case I can see that could be a good idea so let's order that as well." Having a doctor listen and change his protocol to better suit me is such a huge plus in my book.

I also showed him my food journal from this past week I have been on his EZ Diet and he really looked over every single day and told me he was impressed and that I was really sticking to the diet exactly. I told him I am an all or nothing kinda gal and then I launched into my questions about the diet. Here is what he told me. He said fats and oils are NOT a problem, truly. He said don't go nutz but putting half a stick of butter on popcorn is fine!?!?!? He said using olive oil in cooking s great. He said the diet is NOT a low Glycemic Index diet and that he felt the GI index was one of the great shams of the past century. He explained it does not measure something that may take an hour to spike but then spikes 20 times higher than something else considered bad. His diet is a Low Insulin diet and through his years researching and testing it he found what has to be avoided. That is why low fat yogurt, which has a low GI, is bad because it gives a huge delayed jolt of insulin. He said sour cream is questionable and enough research hasn't been done on that one so use it lightly, cream cheese is ok but I would still go sparingly myself on that one. He also mentioned that mayo, so long as there is no sugar or flour (i.e. homemade) is perfectly fine as is cheese and all other dairy, even whole milk dairy. He said sweeteners of almost any sort are not ok but that Stevia had been tested to be ok. I do not use the powder but it is used loose leaf in Yogi Teas which I love. He said that was especially ok. He also said the Cheat Day after the first 4 weeks are over is THE ENTIRE DAY, not just a meal. WOOHOO!!! He said after the first 4 weeks to really follow the cheat and bad food list add in guidelines so your body doesn't go on maintenance for what you have been doing.

Can y'all see why I am so impressed with him? I told him he needs to write a low insulin index book and he agreed.

He told me they were sending the Rx's to the pharmacy and that I would get sent the shot schedule with the Shot Class info and the Embryologist class info as well and all was perfect for the last week in November. I then got 4 vials of blood taken and signed a few forms and was done, all in an hour from start to finish.

I am pretty excited to tell the truth. It feel much more real and much more like things are progressing now. I am sure in another week I will be going bonkers once again, but for now I shall just enjoy.

let the sun shine.... (updated)

That song has been playing in my head since waiting to flow. I have felt like the sky would open up and that song would be booming down on me as soon as I finally started.

Well, late last night after two days of herbal teas of ginger, licorice, Don Quai, and chamomile and at almost 20 dpo I finally started. And it came on with a vengeance. I was up on and off through the night with such a horrid headache. I also had neck pain that make me sick to my stomach. I finally took pain meds at 3am. I woke up in bad shape. I ate some eggs to try and soothe myself after a small glass of milk. We planned a trip to the pumpkin patch today. I was so sick this morning from such severe pain I ended up vomiting my whole breakfast.

I also woke up with police dog nose. I have been having it for the last week or two, like when I was pregnant, but I have been very aware I am not pregnant and I have not understood why I am experiencing it. It also is worse some days than others. Starting yesterday it began to become intolerable. Today it definitely added to my throwing up. I made it to the patch with Bliss and we had a pretty good time but I was feeling just awful. The drive home (about 45 minutes) I got so bad I just cried and cried.

I am sure it is a combination of things. Going off coffee and sugar and all breads and getting a very delayed period all at basically the same time is not so great on me apparently. I have been alternating ibuprofen and arnica and lots of water and baths. I am feeling a bit better this evening but the neck pain and headache are still there in the background. I really think it was a migraine. I do not suffer from them, but I could not believe how bad it was, it actually frightened me a bit.

I start BCP tomorrow and have my saline contrast u/s on Friday. They will also do blood work stuff then. On Thursday I have my first acu. appointment with the IVF acu. I am not real thrilled with this office thus far, even though I have yet to see anyone yet. I decided to check out a chiro. in my network because of my neck and found one very close to my house that is a chiro/acu clinic. I will try and get in tomorrow and will ask if they do IVF acupuncture and see how they are. I just do not like what a hassle this one has been thus far so we will see.

I just want to get through this week, get on BCP and see the RE to get all the questions I have been jotting down answered and get past the first week on the EZ Diet and off coffee.

UPDATED: I wanted to add something to really bring home how awful I have been feeling. Yesterday I weighed myself and I had gained back 10 pounds. Yes in one week 10 pounds. I was devastated but knew I was bloated from impending period hell. I just weighed myself this evening, even though it is only about 24 hours into my period. I weigh 8 pounds less. Eight pounds people, that is how much pressure and misery I have had pent up inside, how much bloat and suffering. I am in shock, well I was in shock yesterday but I am in even more shock right now.

the latest...

I spoke to the clinic and they said so long as I was on BCP I could get the saline contrast ultrasound after my period ended. They sent in an RX for it for me yesterday and roomie picked it up on the way home today. That is a big monkey off of my back. I am on Yasmin is anyone has any info or was wondering.

In other news, old news, I am still not flowing. I cannot believe this. Yes I have POAS and it is still very negative. Then last night I see some EWCM and just about flipped out. I took an OPK just to see if things were REALLY messed up. Thankfully it was also very negative. The thing I have been afraid of and worrying about is seeing a very very late positive and then having to worry about an ectopic pregnancy or a very unlikely one that would just simply delay my IVF and make me nuts. I am glad that does not seem to be the case, but if I do not start by the end of this weekend I am really going to lose it.

I have been on my eating plan week off and pigging out on everything I can think to try one last time before starting the new plan. I have not felt great and have over-indulged twice in a way that made me feel just awful. I am also thinking I will only take one day off for thanksgiving because it will be so close to the ET but I may do 2 days, but not a week like previously planned. I am also thinking I will not take Halloween off, I will just eat some candy tomorrow since it is the last day of my week off.

I will also be doing the treadmill every other day for 30 minutes for the exercise portion of the new plan. I really enjoy the treadmill, but much more so when I weigh a little less than I do now. I am not sure if that has to cease in between the ER and the ET or the beta.

Anyhow maybe I need to light a red candle to encourage this thing, but I feel bloated and pent up and miserable and really just want to get going.

if you want to try and understand...

then read this brilliant post by Mel, it says it all.

going bonkers...

Oh for fucks sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I did call the clinic, the very day I said I was waiting of course. They were great. As soon as I get af call and they will get me in on cd2-5 for a saline contrast ultrasound, then I will start bcp on cd3. I will be having the ER the last week of November and the ET either later that week or the first week of December depending. Great, ok then, lets get this show on the road, except now my period won't start. I am 15dpo today which is just an insanely long luteal phase for me who has notoriously short ones. AND THIS IS A NATURAL MONTH!!!!!!!!! Last time I had a natural month, just three cycles ago, I had a 10 day LP so WTF???

I am having roomie pick up dollar hpt's today on her way home from work just because I figure getting them may bring on af. I tested Monday, not even an evap. line. I am not pregnant, but of course my body is reacting to my head and not starting just to mess with me. The other strange thing, my ovaries have been aching. Whatever.

I will post more when I finally bleed, but this is so annoying.

on to the next thing...

Still negative as I assumed. I should be getting af anytime. This morning I am a bit crampy so maybe today, we shall see. I am waiting to actually see af before calling the clinic to get on the schedule for IVF in Nov.

I am taking this week off of my eating plan as well. I am eating all the things I have missed and then next week I will begin the EZ Diet for the IVF. I should have 4-6 weeks of it before ET so we shall see. I will, of course take Thanksgiving off though.

I am doing ok. Yesterday we went on the Spookomotive Train and took a carriage ride. Bliss for a caramel apple too, he is happy. I may post pics later if any come out good. We took some carriage ride pics like the one in my profile, but unless I don't hate it you may not see it.

We have a huge spiderweb on the front of our house and we also put one of those big garbage bag spiders out there. I love this time of year. I wish we were in Canada, but still, we have had some rain of late and the trees are turning.

I will post more when I get the schedule.

limbo...

This 2ww is going so slooooooooooooooooow.
I have been having strange dreams but not feeling anything beyond that. I am not on any drugs though so I am not surprised. I am feeling that dreaded limbo thing which is making my life nuts.

In other news I have officially lost 20 pounds, finally. Things slowed way down recently and when that happens it is really hard not to get frustrated. I have had three cheat meals so far which is pretty good. It has been 5 weeks. I will say, though, that after a cheat or binge meal it is hard. Not to go back, I am actually doing well with that. The hard part is the hunger. It is so interesting. I can eat salad and feel full. I can eat small portions and do well, but if I eat certain cheat foods I cannot feel full. The other day my cheat meal was a decadent breakfast. I had pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, and hashbrowns. I made those litle hashbrown patties you can get frozen. I fried them up. I swear I have dreamed of them since. I could seriously eat 10 of them and not feel full. It is the same with french fries. Something in my body does not register fullness with fried potatoes. It is scary, truly. Since that huge cheat meal I have been sooooo hungry every day. I have been staying in my guidelines completely, but it has been sooo much harder. Then having the weight thing slow down makes it even harder. I get that fuck it attitude, but then I have a big salad or some Pr0gresso light soup and get through it. I am slowly getting back to normal again, but it is work.

I am going to likely take next week off, but not go crazy, and then starting the following week begin the new EZ Diet the doc wants me on for IVF. That is assuming I am not pregnant now. I still have questions about it but we shall see. I am also taking Halloween as a vacation day and the entire week of thanksgiving off.

My head has been really loud of late and I really need to get back to some meditation to shut it up, but it keeps telling me not to. (lmao) Signs of a sick mind. THAT should be a new post entirely but I am not sure I am willing to go there.

more news...

I broke down and called back to ask if they knew anything. I finally got to talk to the girl who does all the insurance stuff. There was good news and waiting a month news. I have great coverage for what is covered but some things require pre-determined authorization. It is all about the codes and what are ok and what require pre-approval. I was told there is no lifetime max for what is covered which is great news. I was also told as far as IF and IVF insurance I have some of the best. It is just a company known for making people jump through lots of hoops (isn't that all insurance), and it is known for taking there own sweet time to pay out, but apparently that shouldn't concern me. I was told that was there problem.

So she told me they would submit for all required procedures that need pre-determination now and that I would hear back within 30 days of what they decide. So you see, much is very good and some is annoyingly postponed. I am very grateful I have this insurance now, but it still has me on pins and needles a bit.

I hope to try and be positive, relax, and hopefully sleep a bit better now.

in the meanwhile...

I am still waiting for the call about insurance specifics. In the meanwhile I thought I would mention that the new doc spent a long time researching diet and how it affects fertility. He gave me a sheet and went over it in depth. I have since had a few questions that I have emailed him and will update when I get the answers but I thought I would post his plan for anyone interested. I do have permission so long as I change nothing which I have not.


EZ Diet

Diet Modification Plan

by Dr. Ernest J. Zeringue

Bad List:

Sugar (to include hidden sugars e.g. orange juice)
Breads/baked goods and flour
Potatoes
Yogurt
Beer
White Wine
Bananas


So-So List: (serving size = tennis ball)

Pasta
Rice

Good List

Everything else. You can eat any meats, fruits, vegetables, or nuts that aren't listed above. Dairy products are also good. There is no need to limit portion size.

Red wine may be consumed in moderation.

Phase 1
(Restrictive)

Nothing from the Bad List.
1-2 servings/week from So-So list.

As much as you want from the Good List.

Use Phase 1 for 4 weeks.
This should help with the cravings and give you impressive results.

You may be hungry between meals for 1-2 weeks. Eat snacks from the Good List.

Phase 2
(Maintenance)

2-3 servings/week from Bad List.
3-4 servings/week from So-So List.
As much as you want from the Good List.

Cheat Day 1 time/week.

Vacations: Enjoy yourself. You may need to return to the restrictive phase for a few weeks after your vacation.

Exercise:

3x per week 20-30 minutes


**************************************************************************************

He also said the cheat day and the 2-3 from the bad list per week were important so your body didn't assume those items were gone forever and adjust and go into maintenance without them. He said adding them sometimes would keep things working optimum. He also said weight loss was not the goal of this plan but better IGF-1 which affects:

* weight regulation
*eggs and ovulation
*endometrial growth
*cholesterol
*testosterone
*skin
*arteries and hypertension
*mood and energy

wow...

So I finally had my appointment. The doctor was really great. He took 2.5 hours with me. In a conference room he sat and talked to me for that long. I was impressed.

If this cycle does not end in pregnancy I will be slotted for IVF next cycle. We spent a long time looking over my history and whatnot and it is what we both feel is the best route.

I had a feeling it would be but there is still this shock. I would never have thought this would be where I would be at. I am sure few ever think this will be their path but sheesh it does give one pause.

I am excited to have a plan, t be able to move forward, but it is frightening all the same. Not the procedures, not even the drugs, it is just the fact that it is sort of the end of the line. The big guns. If it doesn't work, or if 2 or 3 tries don't work then there is no place left to go towards this end. I think THAT is the frightening part.

I never thought I would end up getting IVF but it was always the last ditch effort, the last hope, the end of the road just in case in the far recesses of my psyche. I think it led me to never think about any possibility of not having another child grow inside me of my own egg. Now that it is here and I am looking at it just a possible few short weeks away it is pretty unnerving.

I still have some insurance info I am waiting on but all looks good so far on that front.

So now I am in another 2ww, hoping it will happen that I do not have to take this leap, but so very grateful I have the option.

argh...

SO I had anxiety all morning. My roomie took off two hours early from work to go with and we all went down to the appointment. Even Bliss was excited. I walk in and the front desk tells me my appointment is tomorrow. They asked me yesterday if I could come in "tomorrow" which is today. Well we left and when I got home I called them to ask a few questions and then decided I would do an insem today. So I did one and will see the new doc tomorrow. I am frustrated but will live.

yeehawwww...

I have been plugging along. I am less than 2 pounds shy of a 20 pound weight loss for the month. I will weigh in tomorrow to see exactly.

I drove to the clinic this morning to drop off my new patient packet and medical records. The front office was very very nice. I also told them if they had any cancellations between now and next Tuesday I would love it. They said they would put me to the top of the lust for a cancellation. I just got a call saying they could see me tomorrow morning. Yipeeeeeee.

I am also right at ovulation. I am not sure if it will be tonight or tomorrow and have not decided yet if I will inseminate or not. I am only on cd 9 which is sooooo early but at least I can bring my tank with me tomorrow and see what the doc thinks. Maybe I can even get an IUI thrown in for good measure. I highly doubt it but one can hope.

If I do end up not doing this cycle one good part is it will likely be a very short cycle.

I will write what happens after tomorrow. I am just so excited. I truly didn't know how I was going to make it until next Tuesday.

irked and bored...

I am awake. Why you ask? I am gushing so much that I have to change stuff every 2 hours or I will ruin my new sheets. I am on cd1 for goddess' sake. I would LOVE to wake up every two hours again for a baby. I loved it when Bliss was a baby. I do NOT love doing it to stop a blood flood. I am wiped out from this already.

I spend so much time worrying about having a cold uterus but I probably have a hot one. It seems to me I have too much blood flow.

So while up I got bored and changed my template, again. I am not sure I like it but I am tired of the old one. I wish there were more choices.

Sleep well blog world, I hope I can soon.

cd 1...

I am like clockwork. I am cd 1 today. Always glad to have the wait after a known negative over. Now it is on to see if this "natural" cycle will be wacky or not.

I am 15 down on the weight thing.

I feel ick today but that is just the period talking I am sure.

out but hope...

I am out this cycle. I am down but there is some hope. I managed to get on the new good insurance after much running around today. I now have an appointment for October 9th with the Fertility Clinic my doc has wanted me to go to. I am feeling some hope at this and am glad it is not too far in the future.

I realized today that I really regret that I had the D&C after my m/c in Feb. The first m/c I had before I had Bliss was a natural one. It was painful both physically and emotionally but it was also purging and cleansing in a way. I waited 3 cycles and my first try back I got pregnant with Bliss.

Since my D&C I have had such strange periods. I also feel that perhaps it did something to mess with my insides or caused a blockage of some sort. I wish I had had the strength and patience to wait for my body to heal itself back then. I know I was so emotional and I just wanted it over but in hindsight I wish I had made a different choice.

I will still try this month, but it will be a natural cycle and then hopefully, if nothing terrific happens, I will get to start a new plan the cycle after. It would put O right around Beltaine or Halloween which would be terrific.

Bliss was with me running around today and I told him it was so I could get a new doctor who could maybe help me have a baby and he said "good mama, but when you see this new doctor I am going with you." He is so darn cute.

So sadness with hope, a strange kind of day, but it is raining and that always makes me smile.

for me...

11 dpo...

negative

home again...

We are back home from our trip.

I have been back a few days but feeling very cocoon-ish and not really in a place to talk. The trip was great and a let down all rolled into one. I think I had some expectations which is always a recipe for a let down. We did have some great times too so I am trying to focus on that. I do, however, think my son would have been just as happy at a hotel down the street from where we live and that is exactly what I am planning next time.

On the ttc front things do not feel special in any way. I know I have been pregnant without symptoms before, but I am not feeling very positive right now. I POAS this morning at 10 dpo, which I know is early, and of course it was a negative. I am planning for it not to change and really trying to be ok with it.

I am also planning on doing what it takes to get the new insurance. I have been doing some fertility treatments with my current doc but also doing some on my own. (NOTE: do not flame, I am a highly educated and intelligent woman who made her own choice and am fine with it) I am now looking at being referred to the fertility clinic and hoping it can all happen quickly and I will not have to take steps backwards in order to go forward. I am of the mind to just do IVF but I do not know what hoops will have to be gone through with the new insurance.

If anyone has had IVF with Un*ited He*alth C*are let me know your experiences.

I am so afraid of never carrying again, it consumes my breath and makes me suffocate. I have now idea of how to even allow that idea in without having a breakdown.

On a completely different note I have lost 13 pounds in the first two weeks and two days of my eating plan and I am pleased with that. Of course all I want to do today is eat fattening foods until the pain goes away, but I am sticking to my plan. I did go off one day on vacation and then got back to it so that is going ok too.

I will post pics soon of Bliss on our trip.

on our way...

I had insems on Friday and Saturday. I am a bit bummed because I had zero CM which is strange for me. I am trying to be positive though.

I have also lost 6.5 pounds since last Sunday which makes me feel really good. I still weigh more than ever but at least I am headed in the right direction. I also feel good about how I am doing it. Nothing extreme and nothing unrealistic.

I am heading out tomorrow with Bliss for our trip. I am excited and really looking forward to being on the road with him. He is so excited he is running in circles today.

I did a bunch of shopping so I can cook all our food on the road to save some money. I also did it so I can stay on target as much as possible. I am not sure how I will treat the S'mores part of the trip when we are in the woods, but I am treating it as a potential learning experiment. Either I will go off plan at times, and practice getting right back on plan at my next meal, or I will juggle calories and make room for said s'mores and stay on plan. To be honest I am really only looking forward to one s'more and maybe one ridiculous priced coffee drink with too many calories, but that is really about it. So we will see how I do and what I decide, but whatever I choose I will set my main goal as not getting down on myself for any choices I make on our vacation.

In other news, when we get back I will be getting some info that will help me make some plans for if this cycle does not work. I have a possibility of getting insurance that will cover IF. It will cause a domino effect in many other areas of my life that I am just not sure is ok when I look at the bigger picture of our future. I do, though, think that I will finally be able to get some clarity on if it will not only be possible, but worthwhile to pursue. I think I will be able to know by the end of the month which really makes me happy. I am the absolute worst with limbo situations and I always have been, so having some clarity will make me feel much better. I do have a question for the blogosphere. Has anyone gotten new insurance for IF. If I get this my doc is ready to refer me to the IF Clinic, but could the insurance say it is pre-existing. Also, can the say I have to do another 6 months of trying before treatments? I am 40 so it would be less time but I am concerned about all of this. I also am paranoid about speaking directly with them because I do not want them to possibly use it against me. The insurance is UHC and it has great IF coverage. I do not want to go into details in the open, but feel free to email me to talk details.

where i am at...

I am doing ok.

I am gearing up for an insem this weekend and then next week Bliss and I leave for our trip up the coast.

It has been a pretty up and down week so far. The drugs I am on have been making me go from zero to sixty immediately which has been just crappy when it comes to yelling at the most ridiculous things. My poor son has finally shown some effects of my irrational behavior and has been acting out in all sorts of fun ways. Yesterday we had a really rough day and at bedtime I was furious with him and asked that he lay down quietly on the other side of the bed until I was calmed down.

Well when I was ready to talk he had fallen asleep and I felt so badly. I cried for a long time and then when I later took him to the bathroom before I went to sleep I told him some stuff but I knew he was really groggy. This morning we had a very long talk and then we ran two errands and went to the park. It has been a much better day today and I feel like I am back on track again, but it kills me when I know part of it is truly hormone induced. I am trying to get pregnant to give this creature I love more than life a sibling he so desperately wants and in the shit process that is IF I am a monster to him. It sucks so hard at times.

I am working on really changing things in me though. I am doing more meditative breath work. I am trying to make myself do the small things that ground me. I have a new lead on some work that may pan out really well which would be a boost to all things me. I have also started an eating thing. It isn't a diet of any specific kind. It is making a plan for me.

You see my dear blog world friends I have this problem. I stress badly over 2 things in life mostly (outside of IF). I stress over my finances and I stress over my weight. Other things I worry about but don't get crazy over. My problem is that when I am severely stress over money I buy things and when severely stressed over my weight I eat. It is bass ackwards I know and I truly hate it but it is what I do. I have to come to a place where this is no longer my pattern but it is a struggle to figure out how to. I am a person who has always been an extremist. An all or nothing sort of person. When I go on a diet I do great, I never cheat, because if I do once, it is over. I lost so much weight before and did fantastic, but then when I got pregnant I threw it all out the window. I am also not one to deny myself stuff indefinitely. So I have to figure out how to come up with some plans that just change how I live that I can honestly live with forever.

I found this site called FitDay that is totally free and offers this great daily food diary. It has a way to add foods with all the nutritional info. It also has all these options to do a food journal, or set goals, or mark a calendar. It also lets you add daily activities to see what you are burning. I decided to set up a plan for myself. I decided to make just a couple goals, very simple ones. I made my minimum calorie intake 900 and my maximum 1750. I also had a goal to lose 25 pounds in 2 months. When I was on the diet before I lost 20 a month very easily so I feel this is a realistic goal. My problem is quantity, it always has been. I like to eat large portions of real whole food. I am not so much a junk food person. I am a whole dairy, red meat, homemade pie kind of person.

Anyhow I am following it but I feel like I have a built in safety net to a degree. I try to keep calories at 1500 each day but if I am stressed at it hits 1700 I am still within my goals. I also am not saying I have any foods off limits. So long as I stay within limits anything goes. The other morning I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I had two with coffee. I also ate smart the rest of the day and had a day within the limits I set.

I am not sure how this will go but so far, since Sunday I have lost 4 pounds. I know it may change as I get closer to ovulation and my ovaries are jacked up but I am giving this a go for 2 weeks. At the end of two weeks we will see how I am and go from there. The thing I like is if I want to eat something awful for me, like say one day I want popcorn with butter and a soda (the only time I drink soda is popcorn and pizza) then that can be my meal and I eat right the rest of the day.

I heard this woman speak who had lost a lot of weight. She wrote a book after interviewing all these people who had lost over 100 pounds and kept it off and she said that one thing all of them had in common was that when they messed up they started right back at the very next meal. So my plan is sort of tailored around that principal. Besides I know that the bottom line with weight loss is calories in calories out.

Anyhow that is where I am at. Does anyone relate to the eat when bummed about weight and spend when stressed over money thing? How have you learned to get around it and grow through it? Who of you are all or nothing types and how did you learn to live a happy healthy life?

Lastly, I just wanted to say how much it helps me just having this place to vent and get such great support and feedback.

angst...

You know you're jaded when you want to scream
"LEARN SOME BIOLOGY"
at newbies on TTC boards.

blood moon...

Did anyone see it? My roomie works nights and said it was incredible. It seems so appropriate to me. I am cycling with the moon again and this month the lead up was insane and then it turns out to be a true blood moon. Then Mega Millions rolled over yesterday to over 325 million. I am buying tickets today I swear it.

I am also trying to figure out what my plan of action is. I am looking at injectable IUI cycles at the fertility clinic and it would be out of pocket about 2 grand per cycle. I do not have trouble with egg finding sperm or timing, I have trouble with old eggs. So I have been looking into IVF in Mexico since I could drive down. If Sara or Calliope or any of the IVP women ever wanna go do a girls week/month and get matching IVF's together let me know.

My conundrum is this. Do I spend 2 grand for an IUI or 4 for an IVF? It will also pretty hard to do with a child in tow if I am in Mexico, and my roomie could probably come for a short time but it is all a lot to figure out. I hate when money has to come into consideration in all of this, but it is the reality and it does.

Anyhow I am heavily flowing preparing for this months try and planning another little get away with Bliss during the 2ww. I am trying not to be too down, it is hard though.

argh...

I ran some errands today, nothing new, do it all the time. But today I kept crying. I put on some Pink to listen to thinking kick-ass music would help and I cried through it. Every time I got in my truck I began crying more. Then I would get out, run an errand, and back in. At one store, in an elevator, an elderly woman and her son were the only ones in with me and we made humorous small talk and I found myself thinking "see you can lighten up and enjoy an everyday moment" and then the woman exclaimed, out of the blue "BABY DAY!" I said "excuse me?" and she said "The store is having a baby day soon (pointing to a flyer on the elevator wall) I just LOVE babies!" I smiled and high tailed it out of there.

I was finally on my way home, Bliss was home with my roomie playing and watching movies, I was missing him like crazy (yes I am a very clingy mama who rarely leaves her child for a minute and it is one additional reason I want/need to have another child so I do not smother him to death) and crying from that and then I realized I was near Whole Foods, which is across town from where I live, so I decided to pop in for some take out lunch. I ran in to get some curry and coconut rice and some Fage yoghurt and low and behold Whole Foods is having their very own Baby Day with tables set up and yes you guessed it, tons of kids. I got my food and drove home crying and screaming the words to Pinks "Long Way To Happy" song.

I am assuming my period is nearing and it is adding to my emotional state but I feel like I cannot catch a break in my head and heart right now. I am raw and hurting and worried about ending up facing IVF when I honestly cannot afford it. I am frustrated and have a secret fear it is because I am so fat that I am not pregnant (I got pregnant after I lost all that weight then gained it back and lost the baby) and I am getting angry as well. I am angry that my love, my child asked me today why he can't meet his grandma and I had to explain that my mother won't let me see her and he asked if we could call to which I had to tell him no, that my mother wasn't very nice and wouldn't let me call either. I am angry I do not have free fresh sperm available to me on demand, even though I am gay and do not even want to be in a relationship at all with any gender. I am angry that I am so frozen in the IF but I am unable and/or unwilling to focus on anything else. I am angry I cannot move to Canada for 18 more months even though it is nobody's fault.

I am rambling, trying to purge, and that isn't even coming out right or helpful.

what i would also like...

is $100,000

12 dpo...

negative

9:19 pm...

i am gutted
absolutely soul wrenchingly gutted
i know it is still early
i would love to feel silly tomorrow or the next day
but tonight
right now
it hurts so bad my bones are aching
my head screams at me every crappy thing anyone has ever said about me ttc
my heart fears never getting to feel a baby move in me again
oh goddess i want that again
i know i am so fortunate
i am so blessed
but my entire life is on hold
fuck telling me i should get on
fuck telling me it'll happen when it should
fuck every positive and negative comment ever
about my eggs, my fat, my hormones, my antibodies, my age, my ability to ovulate on my own
i just want this, i need this, he needs this
our family i have worked so hard to create needs this
no matter how hard i tried
no matter what i told myself
it still guts me
there is no avoiding it
no getting around it
these tears down my face, over my chest and sore breasts
they don't stop
i play bargaining games with every god i can think of
i come up with new scientific methods to put my body through next time
if i shift a day here
if i add a drug there
maybe my altar needs a clearing and re-arranging
yeah that's it
dust off and move some things
smudge it and all will be well
there is no possibility of not having another baby for me
it is not even in my realm of maybe per chance
it is not even the forethought of an idea
it is just this endless trying
this pain in 2 week doses
this hope and longing and wishing and praying and utter devastation
over and over and over







i am gutted

11 dpo...

negative

what there is...

there is the sore nipples for more than the past week
there is the left breast engorging (why only one?)
there is the slight increase in smell which leads to
the fact that my urine smells vaguely like cat pee
there is the being so so very hot (even with AC I had to buy a new fan)
there is the tiredness
there is the out-of-breath-ness
there is the shorter than short fuse
there is the slight crampiness
and all of this means...

nothing


yet

I will start testing tomorrow
the thing is
I feel pregnant and dammit that just isn't ok
it breeds hope
it fucks with my head
it could very well all be progesterone induced symptoms
it makes me so nervous
I want this so badly

I know I know if I had a nickel...

breathe

100th post...

Something witty.

i'm just asking...

So I am in the 2ww again.
I am happy to be here.
I had my insem last night.
So let me ask you.
Doing the whole legs and hips up after,
on a memory foam bed...
Is it as impossible for others as it is for me?
Pain the the friggin ass.
That's all I am saying.

i'm here...

I am around. I am waiting to O.
I am feeling positive about this month for various reasons but I am not in too much of a talkative mood. If you knew me you would fall over hearing me say that.

I am also very close to my 100th post which, of course, just adds the pressure, or I add the pressure.

Anyhow, I will post more after O and insem. Until then radio silence most likely.

boggled...

So I am gearing up for finally being able to get on with try # 13 sometime next week. This month off because I missed my O was a bummer but ok. I had a nice morning, had finished a nice breakfast and went to the bathroom and guess who showed up. I am bleeding. This means I had a 21 day cycle. WTF??? I guess it is a good thing I missed O because I doubt anything could have matured in that short a cycle but I am so confused. Has anyone had a really short cycle after stopping clomid for a month? I have searched but found nothing on that on Dr. G. SO assuming this isn't spotting, which it doesn't seem like, I am on cd 1.

for bliss...

beauty...

anatomy of a bruise...

In other news I fell trying to avoid stepping on Bliss while getting in the bath. I landed on the shower door metal guide and have the worst bruise I have ever had in my life.

The first is a couple hours after then the next is this morning and then this afternoon.

ouch!

:::Updated::: to add another pic from two days later.

out.......

First time ever I have missed a cycle. I am really irked but I will live.
I ordered a tank on Ebay and will pay out the nose to have it shipped ASAP.
I am also going to order 6 vials next month and keep them here.

shit!

cd 12...

I am confused right now. I began opk's on cd 9, there was a line but not equal to or darker than. So on cd 10 it was darker than the day before. I was not sure it was equal yet but it was close. I was a bit miffed because the tank wouldn't arrive until Friday. That night it was about the same. Yesterday it seemed to be lighter both times, just great. This morning it was almost completely gone. I have had O on cd 13 or 14 always, on Clomid it would sometimes be cd 15. Long before Clomid I never had one earlier than cd 13 but this month is a break month, the drug has been stopped. That could have messed with my cycle I know so I am just unsure. I have had no EWCM or other signs. I do not temp. SO the tank came this afternoon. I did another test and it seemed a bit darker than this morning but still very faint. It could be from the whole after 2pm better for LH thing, or it could be that I will get darker and darker until a real surge in a day or two. I have no real way of knowing but of course this is the month I only got one vial. I will not waste it on today as I really do not feel I am about to or have just O'd.

If I do not get a surge and it HAS passed then I have a vial that I cannot send back. I also do not have my own tank or a place locally that would take it. I may try and buy my own tank on Ebay if I have to and just get it refilled when needed but that is so costly. I know I could then order a big amount of vials and keep them here and no longer have to worry about timing or paying those high shipping fees but I just am not sure. It seems like so much to think about today.

In the meantime I think I will make a homemade cherry pie.

cd 8...

Some things of note.

We went to Canada and got our visas signed. We now have permanent residency and can move anytime. I am very happy about this. We had a great, but long day when we went.

I am off Clomid this month and starting yesterday I have had no appetite. It is so strange. I am not sure what it is from and if it is related but it is very opposite of the norm for me. I am not complaining.

I have this deep fear I have been battling this week. I am terrified I am to fat to get pregnant. It stems from tons of stuff, but mainly from the fact that I got pregnant when I lost the weight, then I gained it all back while pregnant and now it is still on and I am still not pregnant again. I ovulate fine, my blood sugars are very normal and I do not have PCOS but it is a fear of mine. Some nights I wake up crying from worrying about it in my sleep. It sucks.

cd 1 ...

So it begins again. Another cycle. Cycle 13 to be exact. I like the number, always have, but sheesh.

I spent the day at the water park. Bliss and I had a lot of fun. I got new clothes last week, it has actually made a big difference. I am still feeling like a lard ass but having some clothes that look decent has made me feel more human. I have taken 5 minutes to primp before leaving the house. It has been ages since I did that. I have also been forcing myself to go out more. Hence the water park. We got a pass and this was our second trip in as many weeks.

Wednesday we go up to Vancouver, Canada for the day and get our visas signed. We will visit the Aquarium there and sight see for the day before taking a late flight back home.

I only ordered one vial for this month, the cost has just been so huge and with the shipping as well I just couldn't do two. I had Bliss with one vial as well as the pregnancy before him so I am not too stressed about that. I am also looking forward to a Clomid-free month.

I had a talk with Soul the other night. I asked her/him to please come sooner rather than later, to meet her/his brother and allow me to be her/his mother. I told her/him it really meant a lot to me. I felt connected much more than ever before.

I am trying to be positive.

I still cry a lot though.

But I am making the effort, doing the work.

I hope this will be my month.