a new beginning and a year...

Thanks so much to everyone for your thoughtful support to the last post.

Today....... we began our business.

The day started out with everything going wrong before Lu could even leave in the truck. I spent the day going back and forth to her and we sold very little. But it is all expected and it will get better and I am so glad we have finally begun.

Once we get the flow and things pick up we will hopefully then be able to have the truck painted to look like a lunchbox. For now it is just painted all fresh white. Our name is taped in the upper side window and we look pretty plain. But all that is fine. It has taken so long to get to this place and I am just focusing on the fact that we made it here.

Thanks for all the well wishes, PLEASE continue to send them our way.

I will post more about the business as we get more established.

It is interesting, a year ago tonight I was at a hotel in New Brunswick having spent the day driving Bliss and I around looking at the province. Tomorrow will be a year to the day from when we first saw the town we live in now and a year to the day from the first time in Nova Scotia.

WOW what a difference a year makes.

Thank you Canada, I truly love you so much.

to the queen of misery...

That is your comment to my love letter to my daughter?
Seriously?
I feel so sad for you that you see life that twisted.

So I shall answer your questions.

1. My son is 6, a beautiful, perfect, young six and he wears what he wants. Underwear often and naked often. He is 6!?! I wear whatever, mostly sari's or sweats or nothing if I am so inclined. We are not nudists if that is what you wondered. We are normal people who have no issues with or without clothing like most people we know. My daughter does not go naked so often because she is a baby and it is not hot here but she is put in sunshine naked when possible as recommended by our doctor because it is good for babies and children. It speaks volumes about you this bothers you so much. I do not see anyplace for your issues on my blog personally.

(funny note to other usual readers, until that time in these recent pics she had only moved inches backwards on the floor and never on her knees, that day the sun was streaming in and the house warm and the second I got her undresses she was up on her knees in a flash and moving forwards and there has been no looking back since. I guess she needed to really feel what she was doing to put it together. Wayyyyy too soon if you ask me!)

2. This was so sadly hostile. I have never gotten anything but praise for my parenting practices, including my previous neighbor who worked for CPS (DFS equivalent). I moved to Canada, as is stated in the blog often, for political reasons. I also passed all the State and Federal background searches they give everyone who immigrates you twit. I also never hit , spank, smack or belittle my children.

3. My son watches TV, he plays video games too. He also eats meat. I also monitor every bit of it. He also has time limits and is never allowed content I believe to be too mature or aggressive or violent. He can take or leave TV because it was never made a huge deal as it was in my own childhood. I have also gone over this in my blog. I am a parent who has spent countless hours reading and studying parenting practices to learn how to be the best parent I know how. I continuously work on myself and my parenting as my children grow so I can continue to be a better parent. I follow attachment parenting practices for the most part. I believe children are fully individualized human beings with all the same rights afforded to me and should be treated as such. I teach boundaries, right from wrong, and empathy. Bliss and I also play, build, do imaginary games, do crafts, homeschooling, play cards and board games, take walks in our woods, go to play dates, and all sorts of other things. How you "know" what we "constantly" do is beyond me.

my soul (6 mos)...

My daughter.
My Soul.
My soul.

She is 6 months today and time is so unfair how it flies by with your children.
She is crawling for the past week or two, and she is talking up a dang storm.
But this post is about something else. This is a love letter.



To compare my feelings to relationships, for that is what we have, my children and I, relationships. With Bliss it was like an intense one night stand that turned out to be the best choice ever made. He was very planned but happened so easily and all was so intense from the moment he arrived.

With Soul it was like a long slow courtship with all the years of infertility and trying, and then she came and the birth was so wonderful and gentle and the love grew slowly, softly.

Both relationships took me to the same place. I can honestly say that I love both my children the same amount, the same fierceness, the same passion and wonder. But they grew very differently to this wondrous place. And both ways were perfect and just how they should be.

I am also caught off guard often at how thought provoking having a daughter is. It is so deep whenever I even slightly think about it. So much I want for her, so much I want to protect her from on so many different levels than with Bliss. Yes so much is the same but as a woman, with all the things I have been through as a woman, because I am a woman, it is terrifying yet also such a huge honor. Such a responsibility. Such a blessing.

She is so very precious, and darling. Very very sweet and has these little ways about her. She sings to herself in this soft way I just delight in. She also makes zerbert sounds for ages with her mouth, her cheeks puffing out as her lips and tongue make the spitting sound. She will go from extremely upset where I am running to pick her up or pull over on the road to making that sound completely content , in a 2 second period and I just laugh and laugh. We all do. She just delights and amazes me. She seems like she may be a quirky soul and I find that so totally awesome. I get to know this wonderful person and get to live with her every day of my life. How totally fantastic is that????



Goddess I am lucky.

I am head over heels in love with her and it feels so good. I was honestly terrified for a time that it would not end up here, not like this, not the same, but it has, softly and gently and steadily it has and I am so grateful for it all.

Getting to witness the purity of Bliss' and Soul's love for each other is so breathtaking. Truly it grows daily and they are completely besotted with each other. Bliss always comforts her when she is upset and can get her to laugh longer and harder than anyone else, including me, by a long shot. Soul will follow him with her eyes even if she has to crane her body or try and leap away from my arms.






She simply adores him and he her and these pictures, while adorable, do not do them and their love justice.



Both of my children are such such SUCH extraordinary beings.
Truly amazing in so many ways and it is so evident to me daily.
I just have to stay out of my own way on my journey parenting them.

more halloween week...

I forgot to post these.

happy halloween/samhain

Things are still crazy. I am late with this post partly because of that and mostly because of the damn dial up. Soon they tell me but it cannot be soon enough. I have soooo many posts I want to write and post but it just takes so long and lately any time spent online is with business stuff.

After fun decorating at home we started our week of celebrations with a visit to a corn maze. Another day a nearby tiny mall had a "witches brew" where local businesses gave out treats which was lots of fun. Halloween day began with a small party at a nearby town hall with some friends.And lastly, in our local town, proper door to door trick-or-treating.It was a first for Bliss to go to houses beyond our next door neighbors and he had fun. He began full of energy as you can see above but tired out as shown below. We all did.

At one point I was walking in that get-up, with Soul inside and I was nursing her walking and carrying a treat bucket and going up to doors with Bliss. No way to really photograph it but it was very funny and caused a lot of laughter among all of us who knew.

We had a lovely week and Bliss has yet to get sick from eating candy thankfully. He is really doing great with my rationing. I hope all of you had a great time as well.

In business news the truck finally got done and came back and the health inspector came by and we got our license. Then the same day the water heater sprang a huge leak and so today I finally got that fixed and put it back together so the truck is now done. We also got our first food shipment today. Now it is off to register it finally and insurance needs a huge check and we will be ready to go, just in time for snow. Frustrating, but I am desperately trying to be grateful we have it and this opportunity. It will take a month or two to get flowing but hopefully we can start in the next week or so. I will let you know. Please send positive energy our way for smooth sailing as we embark, finally, on this next part of our journey.

I have a big post about Soul brewing to be done soon.

And finally as a p.s. what I get to see each and every night. Our family bed, which I am a huge believer in and proponent of. I have always taken pictures of Bliss sleeping and now have the added joy of taking pictures of them both. I am so darn lucky. I thought I would share a glimpse of it.

three years...

Today is three years since I began this blog. It amazes me. So much has happened since then. I began this blog because I was facing infertility and needed support to get through it. I knew if I was to be able to deal with it I would need the support of other women who "got it" and understood what I was going through. It was not something I could find in my circle of friends and I knew if I was to make it through the long haul I had to get what I needed to survive.

I found Mel's blog and found my lifeline. Looking back I am proud of myself for knowing what I needed and seeking it out. It makes me chuckle because it could be seen as a sign of maturity and that sounds so corny, but I have come a long way in my life and I think it is important to be aware of your journey and give yourself kudos for your own growth.

Anyhow three years, wow, it has been quite a journey. I always knew I would get here, but not how, and not when. I knew I would end up here though, because I knew I would never stop until I did, it was too important to me. That is why I had to have support, because I was not sure how hard the road would be and I knew I needed help making it through. It was far more difficult than I could have ever imagined, but also really OK.

When I was young and went through crap I had this fear/dread of thinking things would never get better. That I would always feel that way that I was feeling. It was awful and really unhealthy. I know better now and it makes for a much less painful world for me in general. I think having this blog has really helped me achieve an awareness of that knowledge.

So thank you all, each and every one of you who has read and supported me these last three years. It has meant everything to me, it has gotten me through. It is how I am here today with my daughter and my sanity in tact.

My love to you all.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!!!

We had a wonderful first thanksgiving here with great food, some wonderful new friends and our awesome family. I am so very grateful for everything I have. I couldn't ask for more.

I hope everyone celebrating today had a wonderful day as well.

5 months...

She is 5 months today.

Soul is precious and amazing and sweet and loved.

I just sometimes wish she would slow down with this growing older so fast thing.

It goes so fast, even faster with number two. That just sucks to realize.

All is well but things are still not completed. I have lots of pictures to post and lots to say and catch up on but things are hectic and Canada Thanksgiving is a week away, way earlier than I am used to so I feel like I am scrambling bit.

It is just glorious here, fall is always my favorite time of year but my goddess I live in tress heaven I am so so lucky.

Many pics and more posts coming soon.

4 months 2 days...

She is 17 weeks 6 days today. At 16 weeks 2 days she had a check up and her stats were as follows.

12 lbs 8 oz
25 inches long
15.5 inch head circ.

She is growing and changing so fast. All the cliches are sadly so true, it just flies by. She is sudden;y interested in everything but me or what it is I must do like change her or feed her. She is wanting to explore yet overwhelmed easily. Bliss was exactly the same.

Bliss is still the amazing loving brother and Soul adores him so deeply.He can get a smile out of her like no other. She will follow him with her eyes for ages. He can also make her laugh so long I have yet to match it.

Still trying to get the lunch truck up and running. It is still in the shop getting finished up. Hopefully it will be ready Thursday so I can take it to the next place and then one more after that and we should be done. Problem is people and businesses here are not in a rush so we wait 2 weeks for a one day job. It is frustrating but I am rolling with it.

I am also just done painting the upstairs play room to be and next am laying laminate floor for the first time. Then if I can set up the shelving one damn room upstairs may be finished in the next month. Only 3 to go after that. lol

Still in dial-up hell and really trying to be patient on that front.

I miss reading and being up on everything.

Just another lesson in acceptance though. It comes easier at 42 than it did at 32 that is for sure.

The first picture is Bliss with his favorite swimming instructor. He earned his first swim badge. He loves the water and is amazing in the pool.

The other two pictures are from a trip to Upper Clements Park, a local amusement park we went to. Bliss earned a free pass with the local summer reading program, well we both did as the reading was me reading aloud to him. We had fun earning it and the park was great. We both loved the flume ride best.

More soon.

the eyes have it...

The newest picture showing her amazing eye color.

two of a kind...

It is 1:20am and Soul is so wide awake, no idea why.

Things are crazy busy and we are trying to get the lunch truck going in the next 2 weeks so I am horribly behind online and in posting but I wanted to pop on to show this.

Just to further show why I still sometimes call Soul Bliss, here is proof.

Soul is on the left and Bliss the right, both right around 3 months when taken.


I think what surprises me about it is that they have different donors.

lots of new pics...

So things are still very crazy. The business license has been gotten, our tax number stuff done. We have the paint for the inside and outside of the truck but need more that 2 days without rain to do it and that has not happened in over a month.

I love rain though so I m far from complaining.

We still have a TON to do and I go days without even logging online. Still in dial-up hell but hopefully not for too much longer, still waiting on that.

Both kids are doing well except for one thing. My lil one is teething at 12 weeks. I am so frustrated for her. She is so gone I actually had to go get bibs (first time ever really needed) and teething stuff she is so miserable. The worst part is at this young she can't do cold at all so I can't offer to cold washcloth or frozen bite toys.

Other than that we are good. Bliss has a kids triathlon this weekend which is an adorable thing where I can even push him on his bike, which you know I will be having to do.

Here are recent pics.




OK you tell me between this one and the one below, what color are her eyes???


See? It is hard to say!!


He is still melting me daily and just ADORES his sister. Sometimes he wakes her because he is kissing her so much.


This is the camp counselor that is Bliss' kindred spirit. He is just 16 and they play Star Wars and Sonic make believe all day together, he even comes over to play Gamecube with Bliss every Monday. He is very sweet and very tall.



I charged this up and Bliss got to drive it around a few days back. He was pretty shocked how he didn't really fit anymore. It cracked me up and made me sad all at the same time. But ya gotta love the naked driving!!!




He went off the diving board WITH NO LIFE JACKET AT ALL on his second lesson. He amazes me. He says she was helping him and that was why he was ok but she really wasn't. He just hasn't figured out yet he can fully swim, but he really can way more than he thinks.

He made a great splash too.



This is a cute shot and shows the adorable blanket Michell made for Soul.



She loves to stand, has since she was born really but it amazes me how strong she is. Here I give you standing tree pose.


This is her very first dress of any kind my best friend from California sent to her. It is so adorable and the pantaloons are huge but perfect. Note the drool, it is constant these days.


I still haven't gotten a Bumbo yet (**cough** please mail it soon **cough**) so I pulled out the exersaucer. I then found out one spring went missing in the move so I called the company and asked to have one sent but they have stopped making those springs so I had to order 3 new legs and three new springs, which arrived and I cleaned it and put it together and she was overwhelmed in about 2 minutes. It became very clear very quickly she is not ready for it yet so back away it went. But she looks cute in it, this was taken about a minute before the meltdown.


This is truly my favorite recent picture of Soul. It just shows her preciousness off so well. Note please at 12 weeks she is standing on her own except one finger by me. I have a feeling she will be crawling and walking even earlier than Bliss did and he was walking at 9 months. I am in for it!!!

OK all for now, sorry so long between posts and so sorry I am so behind on reading and catching up. I have over 300 and something to read on my RSS feed but it is too hard this next couple weeks. Please know I will get to them and be commenting again soon and as soon as I have high speed again watch out!!!


Mel I miss you my strawberry friend!!!

finally...

We have to get the name set because we need to do the name search so we can register it so we can get our license, so we can get our business account set up at the bank so we can set up our food supplier account etc.

So I was on the phone today with my banker and I told her of our name woes. She loved Moveable Feast but she understood my concern I wrote about below and she asked about the ones I was considering. I was naming them off and after I said Brunch Box she squealed, but she had misunderstood me. What she thought I said was perfect so we finally have our name.

I hung up and called to get the name search done and they said they liked the name and when I mentioned the struggle they said it was good I didn't go with Moveable Feast because it was already taken.

So our official name, pending acceptance in the next two days is...



The SoulBliss LunchBox.

And I want to find someone to paint on hinges, a handle and a latch to the sides.

Now I just have 98 more things to get done before we can be open for business.

still unsure...

So thanks, for all the comments, I really loved reading them.

I really like Moveable Feast, for many reasons. I like the literary reference and that Hemingway wrote about his expatriate exploits and how we are expatriates as well now. I like it all.

Except.

Picture sitting in an office and we arrive. You won't say to tyour co-worker "hey wanna go out to the SoulBliss Moveable Feast?" Or the Moveable Feast or the SoulBliss. You will say "hey wanna go out to the kunch truck, or the roach coach, or the maggot wagon (as I have been told they call them here).

But.

If we called it the SoulBliss Brunch Box, or Lunch Lorry, or Tuck Truck then maybe you would say that and then word could spread more easily.

And I get that but I just feel like there is one of THOSE kinds of names I am missing. That I can't think of.

So anyways that is my dilemma.

clarifications...

I am loving the suggestions.

To clarify, we WILL be doing breakfast burritos which are tortillas with eggs potatoes and cheese in them and options of bacon or sausage.

We will NOT be doing any fried foods, we just do not want to operate the fryer so we removed it.

I have a new possibility I came up with today. Let me know what you think.

SoulBliss Moveable Feast

OK keep the suggestions coming, it helps a ton.

That's all for now.

look what we bought...

OMG things are crazy. I just passed the year since CD1 for the cycle of the IVF that brought me soul on the 14th.

We arrived in Nova Scotia on Feb. 12th and since then we have bought a home, moved in, had a baby, and now bought a catering truck and our starting a lunch truck business in the next month. No one can ever say I am not a doer.

Things are crazy busy and still I am juggling it all with the lil one. She is doing great btw. No bad reflux stuff, a but fussy at times but very manageable. She is also freaking adorable. Strong as all get out, and pretty damn neat to have around.

Bliss is still so great with her, getting better and better at holding her and kisses her a lot which melts me. He is doing day camp, with me there parked with Soul watching, for 2 hours 4 days a week and having fun, although he mainly hangs with a 16 year old counselor who is a kindred spirit. They can play Star Wars and Sonic for ages nonstop. He is venturing out with other kids a little bit more each day which is great too. The counselor invited him, and he was the only young child invited, to his 16th birthday party. We went last night, Bliss got to stay up for it since it was at 8pm at the local community pool, and they had a blast.

Speaking of the pool Bliss had his very first swim lesson yesterday as well and it was his first lesson of any kind ever. He is good in water and did great but it was so funny too. Sometimes she would ask him to do this or that and he would just say "no" very nicely but uninterested. She was great at negotiating though and he had a blast. I only had my cell so the pics suck but next Friday I plan on getting some good pics of it.

OK so the truck, amazing huh? LMAO
It will be, we are getting it up to code and ready. It has a grill and griddle inside. We will be doing sandwiches and Philly cheese steaks, breakfast burritos, along with me making homemade pies and cakes and such. Then Homemade chili and cornbread sometimes or soups at other times. We got it for a great price and really hope to make a go of it. Lu will do the main operating for now since I have the wee one but I am doing all the legwork, bank stuff, and getting accounts set up with distributors, health inspectors, licenses etc. I will also do inventory, cost analysis, menu pricing studies etc.

We were going to call it SoulBliss Prairie Schooner but we are in the Valley not the prairie and Valley Schooner is not a nice sounding to me. Then maybe SoulBliss Lunch Lorry but still I am not liking it. I thought of SoulBliss Bistro or Mobile Bistro but it sounds to posh for what we want to sell.

SO PLEASE ANY IDEAS WOULD BE SOOOO APPRECIATED!!!!

Also anyone who regularly gets cheese steaks tell me what you usually pay for them.

Also any favorite lunch truck foods let me know.

It still needs a paint job and the sign painted on so I need to figure out the name fast. I want to paint it with peace signs and flowers but Lu said not while she is the one driving it. Ha!

Ok all for now, I am back to homework since I have a proposal and business plan due Monday morning.


Soooo sorry I am so behind on blogs!!!!!!

this morning...

The first posted Soul movie. It has taken 6 days to get it uploaded. The ending is priceless.

argh...

My new dial up modem crashed. Second one in 3 months. Apparently the phone line is frying them. Have a movie of Soul to post but can't now. Hope to soon.

oh....

Happy Canada Day!!!!!!!


We had a great first Canada Day and our town put on a fantastic and huge fireworks display.

8 week stats...

weight 10lbs 7.5 oz or 4.76 Kg

Length 24 inches or 60cm


0ver 3 pounds in 8 weeks
she finally passed what Bliss weighed at birth

tidbits...

A few random things.

Bliss loved the show "Get Ed" on Jetix back home. We can no longer find it anywhere and our saved shows on our old DVR do not exist anymore. I also cannot find anywhere you can get the series on DVD so I am putting it out to the blogiverse. Does anyone have a DVD of "Get Ed" or know where we can get one or any way to purchase one.

It was actually a show I enjoyed as well.

I wish I had a movie of what we had to do two nights ago. Soul naps in arms still so she is either in my arms, or if I have to unpack some part of the house, or pay bills or make calls Lu will also hold her while she naps. I did put together the swing this week and she has taken two naps in it but pretty much it is in arms. So she is also still having the reflux and the pain especially at night.

Anyways Lu needed a haircut badly and I do the hair cutting in the home so she came upstairs when Bliss and Soul and I headed up to get ready for bedtime. She was asleep in my arms which was a great thing we did not want to disturb. So I transferred her to Lu's arms successfully and then got Bliss' teeth brushed and face and hands washed and him all ready for bed and then the funny part happened. I had Lu stand in the bathtub holding Soul and I placed a light blanket over her head and face and then proceeded to cut Lu's hair with the clippers.

It was one of those things that is so normal at the time but upon stepping back even an inch you realize how ridiculous you must look. She stayed asleep though, and Lu got a great haircut!!!

News coming soon about an exciting possible business opportunity for us to do here.

a good time was had by all...

I had a great birthday. Bliss is unaware of this but I have a tradition of going out on my birthday and getting him a gift. It is a sweet fun thing now but him having an expectation of it would get annoying when he hits his teens I am sure.

Anyhow we went and got him his first bike. We had no where to ride back home that was safe so he was never interested but we went to a local bike thing this week in our town here and now he has a bike. He was excited and I put on training wheels when we got home.


His cheeks look so adorable in that helmet it is so cute!!




OK and this one just because ...well...seriously do I even need to say why I am posting this one??


I also cut my hair...ok I shaved my head on my birthday and I feel MUCH more like myself now. I do not know why I do this, I try and grow it out over and over but never feel like me with it that way. With it like this I look in the mirror and recognize myself again. It all stems from feeling like others will not think I am hippy enough if my head is shaved. Nothing else is shaved. My armpits and legs are nicely crunchy for my taste but my hair is awful and does nothing and I have a good shaped head. But it is honestly one of the only things I get hung up on with worrying what others may thing.



Anyhow I dropped the hang up again and shaved it and feel much better. Besides now Soul and I have matching haircuts!!


Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes. Thank you Michell for your thoughtful calls and I am so very sorry I forgot your birthday the very next day after mine!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY my sweet friend!!

new pics...

I let these upload over 4 hours when we went out for the day. It is my new genius idea for posting pics.





I adore this one, it reminds me a lot of her birth photo somehow, and no not because she is naked.





Bliss, the girls, and Lu getting the mail. I love this pic!!




Her eye color is so amazing yet undecided.




This makes me melt.



Here is a smile. She has smiled since day one, honestly. Bliss did as well. Cheeky grins in response to me. I finally captured a good one here while she did dome sunbathing in the window for vitamin D goodness.



First a porcupine and now this. Guess what was outside our house today? We were shocked and she came almost to the door too. We have no neighbors on our side of the road, there is land for eons and she comes to our driveway... go figure. We are told she came up to lay eggs but she never did where we could see. I hope the babies are ok when they hatch.




p.s. Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday and I truly have all I could ask for. I am so very fortunate and it is so neat for me to be so aware of it and really feel it.

quick question...

I am trying to frantically type before she wakes up. She is still having problems and I finally stopped the meds we had been on, but now I am trying homeopathy. I am hoping for results because I really do not want to end up putting her on a PPI like Prevacid.

Anyhow I see others question this but I am going to put it out there. The bumbo? I am thinking it is the one new thing since Bliss was a baby that seems neat but who knows. My question is does anyone have one they are done with and interested in selling cheap???

Let me know.

More later when I get a sec, and hopefully I get some time to upload a picture.

again it seems...

I truly hate not being able to comfort a crying baby. It just sucks!

I thought I would not go through this again, when she showed the first signs of reflux, silent reflux, I got the medicine we used for Bliss that had taken 2 months to figure out. I thought, yay I caught it early, no worries.

But no, she hurts and cries for hours at night and in the day sometimes too and all my tricks are moot.

I hate it.

I do not want her hurting. I want to ease her pain.

writing more out...

I am going to try and write this out, my thoughts and beliefs on what is going on with me right now. I hope it is coherent, it gets pretty jumbled in my head.

I want to thank everyone for their amazing support, it really truly helps me, a lot. I also want to let people know I have sought support elsewhere just to make sure I remain ok, but thus far I am really doing ok, staying afloat and working through everything. This is another part of doing just that. Writing it out.

So ok, yes my feelings. I have TONS of baggage from my own childhood. I think most of us do. It is one of the only sucky things about being a parent, the knowledge that you will likely give your own precious child baggage. I hate that.

Anyhow...my childhood. I was not loved unconditionally. A lot of other stuff went on, a lot of abuse etc. but that is one of the biggest issues to me these many years later. There were also major favorites played. I was told around 10 by my father I was his favorite. I said yes your favorite girl and my brother your favorite boy. He said no I was his favorite. I sobbed. I was not happy, it did not make me feel special, it made me cry for my brother and also led to much more abuse ultimately from my father. Being "his" favorite was not a good thing. My mother favored my brother and resented me, from early on. We also missed a lot of early bonding for a variety of reasons, but all the while, I longed for it as any child would.

So here is some of my thinking. I deserved all the same love my brother had and he deserved all I had. Just as Soul deserves to be loved just as intensely, and fiercely as Bliss was and is. She is just as deserving, she is the same in that she is a perfect wonderful precious child of mine. She did nothing different, so the difference is with me. Personally I don't care if personalities are different, at this point it is way way to early to know that anyhow. So the difference is with me, my own crap or imbalance or whatever. So I have to change me. Fake it til I make it, whatever. I have to do the work to ensure that I get there, to the place where I feel just as much, just as strongly, just as deeply and wholly as I did with Bliss because Soul deserves and needs that.

Now I realize some things ARE different that WILL come into play. This is not my first baby so I am not in the "omg there is a baby" mode like I was with Bliss. I also use memory, I am sure, incorrectly. I am very likely mashing all the emotions of the first 6 months with Bliss into his first week in my memory and expecting to have all those feelings NOW. I also had a very rough start with Bliss. Recovering from a traumatic birth and c/section, I had to use a nipple shield for every single feeding for the first 3.5 months and constantly lost it in the sheets of the bed at 3am. I got a "pocket" in healing and had to have a home health nurse come every other day to re-pack my wound. Bliss got silent reflux at 5 weeks and cried 10-16 hours a day for months until I figured out what it was. So my first months with him were heavily intense just from what was going on, and I am sure in my head I confuse some of that intensity with my feelings for him at the time. By contrast Soul came into the world through an awesome birth, and except the first night is very mellow. Yes we have gas issues and over-supply issues but because of what I went through with Bliss I have been able to identify it early and work to correct it, plus I "know" what is going on when she is fussy. I can tell. The learning curve is about a hundred times shorter because of having been through it all before.

So with all that said I am trying to go lightly on myself and be very realistic and recall things more clearly. I also think that some of the reasons I may be going through all of this is so I can make a conscious decision about how I parent her and love her and deal with all my feelings. So that I can see for myself first hand that there are choices one can make. That I do not have to be my mother or make her choices and be like she was. So down the road when things do even out and come around I can say that I made choices to be her best mama and know those same choices could have been made for me when I was little.

I have definitely felt, from the moment I had her, that Soul would be my teacher on such a huge level. Bliss has been my teacher and I always thought it was on a grand scale, and it was, but as soon as I had Soul I knew she would be teaching me so much more, so many things I am not even sure I am looking forward to learning about myself as I know many things will be hard,but she will be putting a much bigger mirror in front of me than I already have had. So this all may be part of it. Sorting through all of this.

I am not my parents, I know that. But we are given tools and not given tools by our parents and we only know so much. We face, at times, areas where we are severely lacking skills to get through stuff. And no matter how much we work on ourselves not to repeat their mistakes or be them there will always be things that come up that we do like them. I do not abuse my children, I changed that. I do not ever hit or strike or spank or swat at all, I do not put down, I do not belittle. I DO yell although I try to work on that. I do find myself, at times, saying little phrases they said. Not the mean ones but others I still do not like and I cringe at that I try to erase from my vocabulary. There are still others, some even humorous I have come to accept and even laugh at.

So part of me sees parenting as this constant searching inside myself to find all those dark areas I am not aware of, to shed light on, to changes and grow so I can be better. So I can be a better parent and not give my children so much baggage, or at least not the same baggage as I have.

So all of this rambling is to say I feel like much of what I have been feeling, or "not" feeling on the level I want to be is my own fault. It may be hormonal and a bunch of other contributing factors but I feel like it is my job to take care of myself well enough to get over it or past it to the place Soul deserves me to be at, and in turn to the place I deserved my parents to be at when I was a child as well.

Hopefully this makes sense to you all, or at least some of you.

on talking about it, or not...

***I am not sure I will keep this post up for very long***


Cali mentioned writing about it,as did my best friend IRL. And I have been doing some writing, but not here, not for others to read.

It is a hard thing, a very hard thing. It is not always pretty at all and it is not something I have a desire to write about. These feelings, or at times these seemingly lack of feelings. I am so taken aback by them, and confused, and shamed, and saddened.

At times it almost feels like I am back on Lupron if that makes any sense. You would likely need to go back to see what that was like for me to understand.

But it isn't something I can truly speak about safely online, in this medium. At least it seems that way to me. And I am so aware it is my shit, in my head and or body (ie. biochemical?) that is what is going on, that is has absolutely nothing to do with Soul, but it does not always "feel" like that and that sucks. And she deserves to have the same mama, with those same beliefs and practices and with that same unwavering patience and understanding, with all that connection and intensity and with that same love as Bliss had. And I am just so devastated to admit it does not seem like that right now, not yet, and it is making me a wreck. But I am working on it and trying to find my way through.

I am really trying.

And please dear Goddess know I love her, I do truly, I am just off still, somehow.

more tidbits...

doing ok but dealing with a few things

having some PPD symptoms coming up. it is still early on and i am working to process through them but keeping an eye on things, it has taken me by surprise a bit

having an over supply issue again with my milk, it may not seem a big problem but it means gulping which means lots of swallowed air which translates to lots of gas pains


each of my breasts weighs more than my baby, so so not right

still trying to work on the juggling act with regards to Bliss and the guilt brings a lot of tears

Soul is very adorable and so far a great sleeper, I had to get newborn cloth diapers because Bliss' first ones still a far cry from fitting

mail server still not fixed, still in dial up hell as well

down 52 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight, 27 from delivery day, I really hope it continues, I have a LOT more to lose

soul birth story...

::: a warning, this is very long:::



As I wrote before, labor began at around 4 am Saturday May 2nd. By labor I mean real contractions, they were spaced apart and irregular, averaging around every 15 minutes. Some were quite painful, and others not so much. They went on all day with a few breaks of an hour or two. I tried to do things to keep them going but nothing seemed to affect them. I should have and would have hiked my neighbors steep driveway but my knees were awful that day, as if a huge dose of relaxin had been released, just walking and they felt at times to be popping out of socket.

I began timing in earnest that evening but they were still pretty randomly spaced. I got about three hours sleep and was woken at around 4 am again but with much harder contractions.

Sunday morning they were around 7-8 minutes apart and most were very intense and painful, as in I could not talk through them. This went and around 9 am they were really difficult to deal with and around 5 minutes apart. I was coping only with the yoga ball but it was getting hard even on that. I even used it in the shower and when that didn't help much I told Lu (who is roomie but she is so much more than that, her name is Lu so from now on I am just saying Lu. And yes Bleu and Lu, too funny) as soon as my laundry was dry we would head out.

I should explain here that heading out meant getting the two dogs, Bliss and Lu and I packed up with snacks and luggage and games and dog food because hospital is an hour away and we were not coming back until baby came. Bliss was to be allowed to room in with me but would be with Lu all day at a hotel with the dogs. I had found sitting on the yoga ball the only way to cope with them and was afraid of the drive without being able to be on the ball. I was also terrified of even getting downstairs at that point. I was at the point that I was afraid of being stuck upstairs because contractions had me frozen in pain at times so leaving suddenly became essential to me. I choose to do the driving but in my defense I felt it would be doable and I would focus less on the awful hour it would take to get there. I could pull over for contractions. So Lu got everything together and by 10 or so we left.


It WAS easier to handle them because I was sooo focused in safe driving. I had to slow a few times to get through contractions but I did OK. I called my doula on the way and she was meeting us at the hospital. We arrived and I took some of my stuff, kissed Bliss 10 times and went in. The doula arrived shortly after, met Lu and brought up the rest of my stuff.

I went straight to L&D and waited through a couple contractions for a nice janitor to get a nurse for me. They got me to a temp room and hooked me up to the monitor and got me a yoga ball. After about 10 minutes they let me know contractions were about every 3.5 minutes and said I was doing good. They had me get on the bed a bit after and checked my cervix for the first time.

I was only at 1 and my cervix was still completely posterior and the baby was high.

I was devastated to say the least.

They got me a room and I got undressed and the doula and nurse helped me try and focus and get through contractions. I went from ball to bed every 2 hours for a cervix check. I was starting to get back labor and it was really messing with my psychologically. I had awful back labor with Bliss and lost the plot during it and was afraid of that happening again.

At each check it was the exact same story but maybe a tiny bit thinner cervix. I asked the nurse to call my OB at this point. He was not on call at the hospital until the following day, his partner was the OB on call and when I met him after arriving I knew I didn't like him or trust him for a section. Even before we saw anything of what I may do he was trying to hint to me I would most likely need a section. I did not trust him to carry out the wishes/needs I had if indeed I did get a section and felt either way I would go to the next day to decide. So the nurse called my OB and let him know what was up, but he made no offer to come in that night so I felt more stuck.

At around 3:30 it was suggested I take a hot shower, the back labor was getting a bit more prevalent. I took a stool into this tiny shower and got in and just began to cry.


I missed Bliss,so much, and what was going through my mind in that shower was that I was optionally suffering a lot and being away from Bliss all so I had a chance to have a vaginal birth and that the longer I suffered the longer I was away from him and the longer until we ALL got to go home. Putting off the section until the following day because that was the day my OB was on call and so I could see if I ever fucking dilated meant 2 more nights after that before I would be allowed to discharge. What was the point????

At this point I called my doula and just wailed to her about it all and said I should just fucking section.

The nurse came in and asked if I wanted something for pain. I said I didn't want Demerol or Gravol as they would not take it away and I would feel dopey to boot. I said I wanted an epidural but knew it was too early with my cervix. She said she would call the OB on call and ask.

I felt utterly defeated at this point. A day and a half of labor and at a 1. It was all so familiar except the spontaneous labor had given me false hope this time would be different. I was angry and upset. The nurse came back and said the OB had said OK to the epidural, that I had been laboring so long and needed rest. She also noticed that the shower had slowed my contractions and warned me the epidural could even stall me completely. I said fine, at least I could get some rest and Bliss could come over for the night and we could have some quality time together before the section the next day.

A side note here. I had found a nearby hotel for them all to be at during the days that had a pool and took pets. When I called after getting into my room they were not there. The place no longer took pets, the secondary place with a pool didn't either so they found another place with no pool and come to find out the TV's are so old they have no AV sockets so Bliss could not even hook up his Game Cube. I was sooooo upset at this but he had good spirits about it. I was happy about that but knew it would change when he had been there all day for possibly 2-3 more days.

So the anesthesiologist showed up before they even had my bed ready and I got the epidural. He had some trouble finding the epidural space in my spine so it took a while but the freeze shot was numbing the back part of my labor contractions so I was OK.

The epidural took about 20-30 minutes to really kick in and then my blood pressure dropped to 70/44. They forced an entire bag of ringers in with a pump, which froze my damn arm but my bp stayed low. They then gave me a shot of ephedrine which did nothing. About 1o minutes later after putting in a catheter I was given another bag of ringers and another shot of ephedrine. Still no change so they were about to turn off the epidural when my bp finally came back up.

Sheesh what a pain but I was no longer in pain. The OB came in then and it was noted that as soon as I got the epidural all contractions had stopped completely.

This is where everything really changed and where I give that on call OB I did not like and the Canadian health system a ton of credit. The doc said to me that because everything had completely stopped and it had been over half an hour that he was OK with trying me on a low dose of Pitocin if I wanted.

To clearly explain this I need to clarify things here. With Bliss I had a home-birth transfer to the hospital for no dilation and they refused to give Pitocin to help because they said they had no prior relationship with me to know my prenatal history (like the midwives excellent records were all lies?) and therefore could not risk giving it to me. READ THEY WERE COVERING THEIR ASSES IN CASE OF POTENTIAL LAWSUIT!! This is so much the US medical system, always the possible lawsuit precedes the patient care. Now, this time around I am well aware Pitocin is not even on the table because I have had a previous c/section and there is a risk of uterine rupture. I never asked because I had read the very latest study on uterine rupture and Pitocin that was recently done and is the current gold standard in all of North America and much of the world. Where is the study out of you ask??? It was out of Halifax Nova Scotia, Canada. I was an hour away from Halifax in a room when the on call OB looked at me as a patient, and looked at the current situation I was in and made the decision that it would be OK, and safe to try me on Pitocin because of the specific circumstances going on at that moment with his patient. I was floored, and impressed and said sure.

I still didn't think it would necessarily help but I was happy to be given the chance, once again, to get to my goal of VBAC.

So I was finally relaxing. I had called Bliss, he was having fast food and watching TV and bed jumping and doing OK. We planned to bring him over after 9 pm so he would be tired and go to bed soon and I though I would get a nap before then when I felt a contraction. I said hey! I had one, then realized they had just hooked up the Pitocin about 3 minutes before. So I though that was a good sign. I DID feel the contractions but they were manageable and I had a button for the epidural to hit if I ever needed extra. The OB said as long as he was getting good readings on the monitors we were OK but if he couldn't he may have to place an internal one so he could really keep track of my uterine pressure. It just went inside but not in the baby or anything. I said fine if that was necessary that was OK with me. He said we would watch and decide later.

They contractions were going for a couple hours, every 20-30 minutes or so the nurse would come in and up the dose. After 2 hours doc came in to check my cervix which was still at a 1 but some effacement had happened. Needless to say I was not hopeful, but I was not in much pain so all was OK. Two hours later the contractions are causing me to hit the extra meds button a couple times but still OK but I am checked and at 1 plus wiggle room. I am frustrated but the doc says it's enough to keep going with the Pitocin.

The next two hours before the next check was harder pain wise and when I was only at a 2. I was of the mind that a section was for sure but at least I now knew even Pitocin would not help. The doc and my doula were way happier than I that some progress was made. The doc decided to break my waters at this point. I wish I could say I felt release, but I felt nothing but the same contractions I had been. I was surprised, however, to see so much bloody fluid come out but the doc said it was fine and normal. With Bliss it was clear. After that I gushed with some contractions and not with others but truth be told I had been gushing with contractions on and off since I got to the hospital so who knows what was up. I was never concerned and neither was anyone else.

Bliss came over for bed at this point which made me soooo happy. The contractions were really starting to cause pain at this point even with hitting that button a lot, but having him there made me focus on him and get through them pretty easily for an hour. We chatted and the nurses brought the rollaway cot and made it up for him right next to my bed. He was tired but very excited. After going potty and doing our goodnight ritual he laid down and Lu hung out until he was asleep. My awesome doula had said she would sleep in the lounge and be on call for me or Bliss so Lu could go back to the hotel and get some sleep and be with the dogs. I was having a harder and harder time with contractions at this point and at the next check around midnight was at a 2 plus wiggle room. The contractions were not only in my cervix but now they were in my butt too and they hurt there. I was very very uncomfortable, like severe pain and then a funny bone feeling but in my butt, I was not happy. I was quickly getting frustrated at this point but then during that next 2 hours something shifted and the contractions became very very different.

I have read a lot about birth. Specifically a lot about natural and alternative birth. I was very traumatized by Bliss' birth. It took a year before I could even begin to process it and it was very very painful even then. One thing I have read about on my favorite (read super crunchy) sites was orgasmic birth. I do not think I ever believed it but I LOVED the sound of it. What had shifted is what I can only describe as that kind of contraction, an orgasmic one. It was deep, and vibrational, very very intense and slow like honey but in a languishing, rolling way, AND it was pleasurable. Yes I said pleasurable. I was shocked and dumbfounded but soooooooo happy. It took 2 before I realized it was that and I was trying to just enjoy them and thought I could finally catch a nap because these, I felt sure I could cat nap through. They also felt very very productive to me. I wanted to stay here in this happy space for a while. Bliss was sound asleep at my side, I was on Pitocin, all was OK and there was no pain, I wanted it to last a while.

Not.

After about 6 or so of these yummy contractions the nurse came in and turned up the Pitocin again from 79 to 80. They had been doing this all night but when she did it this time everything changed again. Suddenly all yumminess was gone and I was back to the butt contractions, but this time there was no cervical with it and the pain did not lessen in between contractions. Within 4 or 5 I was asking for the pit to be turned back to where it had been. The nurse said to try and cope with it a bit longer but the pain was unbearable. I was feeling like my sphincter was being ripped apart but there was no actual movement there. I was quickly becoming inconsolable and was begging at that point and crying myself a right pity party. The nurse said it was time for a cervix check and would do that first. She checked and said I was at a 3, but the doc had been doing them and frankly I believed her small hands and newness (she was new) made her call the docs 2 with wriggle room a 3. It was at this point I demanded it be turned down to 79 again, which she did, but it did not go back to yumminess. It did, after about 3-4 contractions, begin to include my cervix again in the pain part of the contractions which was very welcome at this point. When it was only butt it was just too too much. They brought the anesthesiologist back in at this point too and he gave me a bolus of a little more in my epidural and upped the click button dose but he warned me that epidurals do not ever take away pressure pain and nor do they usually ever take away butt pain. Great!!!

The last check had been at 2 am and I was exhausted and feeling pretty down, I began to wonder at this point when to say when, I really did not want to go through another c/section over exhausted and spent and it was looking like that was going to be the case. Every contraction at this point was excruciating and I was trying desperately to just get through them. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted my doula but I kept saying no, let her sleep. Pretty silly but I so wanted her available should Bliss need her and said to the nurses it wasn't like she could do counter pressure on my sphincter. I cried and breathed and just got through but by the time and hour had gone by I was pretty done.

The doc came in at that point to see what was up, he had obviously been told I was at the end of my rope. He suggested he do a check and then we decide if we should stop the Pitocin and let me get some rest or not. I said fine and again he did a check. While checking he sort of stopped and then dug deeper looking perplexed and I asked if I had gone back to a 1. He laughed and said no, I was at a 10 and fully dilated with just a teeny tiny lip on one side. I gasped, the nurses gasped, we were all totally shocked. From a 3 to a 10 in an hour. Apparently butt pain is good, who knew.

The nurses hurried to ready the room and wake the doula and I began breathing through contractions with renewed hope. I remember distinctly fearing a long pushing session though because if I went through all of this only to push unproductively and swell up and end up with a section anyway I would be PISSED to say the least.

The contractions changed the minute I breathed better and felt hope, they were still butt pain, and cervix pain, but they were also rolling and I felt the baby coming into the canal. I was at a 10 but the baby was still pretty high. I began very silent breathing through these contractions trying with all my might to let my body do all the work and me do absolutely nothing. It is what I had always read and wanted to do. It was very hard but with the knowledge of being at 10 I was really able to. After about 6 of those super intense contractions, maybe 5, I told the nurse what they were like and she looked at me and said it was time to try pushing. I was shocked again and said NO WAY?!? but she said yes. No all this time I was on my side because of the epidural, and apparently the baby's heart rate went up on my left side so I was on my right. The next contraction I did a testing push, not really an inward pre-breath just tried pushing hard. It hurt a lot but the nurse said she thought it moved the baby down more and with the next one to actually take the inward breath, push with all my might, and then another breath and push in the same contraction. So still on my side, with the next one that is what I did and I pushed hard, twice, and it hurt like hell and scared me a fair bit. My fear was of backing away from the pain, I didn't want to do that. I also had the catheter in still and wanted it out, it hurt when I pushed hard. The nurse said she saw the head and I would not be pushing long and of course, I did not believe her. My doula had arrived and was filming and lending awesome support and laughing at how drastically things had changed, and Bliss was peacefully asleep on the cot beside me.

The nurse suggested I move onto my back, saying I could now, but I have always been one who felt back deliveries was counter-intuitive. I looked at my doula and she knew exactly what I was thinking but the nurse said it could give more traction and she could hold my leg to push against. During the earlier part of the day before the epidural every time I went on my back for a check the pain was excruciating so I was afraid if I felt that again it would set the running-away-from-pain- ball rolling. She assured me they would move me back super fast if it even started, so they rolled me onto my back and with the next contraction I took the breath and pushed against their holding, hard, and then again, and then she laughed and said that the next contraction I could NOT push through, but had to breathe through because the baby was coming NOW and the doc was down the hall.

WOW!! Shocked does not begin to explain my feelings, I was numb and thrilled, and shocked, and a jumble of emotions all rolled into one. One thing I want to say here that was also neat is that the room was really quiet. I was not screaming or yelling through any late contractions and only grunting a little through the pushes so far. Watching the movie since the birth it is something that strikes me as so awesome, the lights were low and all was calm feeling. In my c/s it was a surgery room which is a ton of beeps and yuckiness. They had removed the catheter finally, what a relief, and taken off the contraction monitor from my belly and all was really quiet.

So I breathed and puffed through the next contraction and then the doc came in and dropped the end of the table and put my legs in braces I could push against and told me I could push away with the next one. I was asking all sorts of questions and stuff at this point about optimal pushing and would I feel instant relief after the head came out etc. The doc was funny and said yes but don't forget the shoulders, and I said I wanted to do both head and shoulders with one contraction if possible, head one breath shoulders the next. He thought that sounded great. So with the next contraction I took the breath and pushed hard and the head was burning and coming, and I didn't get it out as I started to panic inside and I took another breath and pushed again, but not as great of a push. The doc said it was great and the head was partially out but not past forehead or anything. They asked if I wanted to feel and I said no but felt anyways but all I felt was labia. As I waited for the next contraction the baby slowly slipped back inside and I was bummed but they said it was fine and normal.

At this point I said I needed olive oil, it felt too non-lubricated down there, which isn't true but one nurse said a nurse at another hospital swears by it and we had this very surreal mini conversation. I asked the doc if I just had to push through the pain at this point (duh) and he calmly assured me yes. In the movie I am patting my chest in this sweet and silly self-soothing way at this point. So with the next contraction I took a deep breath and pushed hard hard hard, and it hurt hurt hurt,and just when I thought I would have to take a breath which I felt would make me not get it done the doc said the head was out to the nose and that gave me all I needed and I pushed with the last of that first breath the last bit as hard as I could and out popped the head. And yes YES yes it was a relief. I then took another fast breath and pushed again and out came the shoulders and then the baby was placed right on my chest, instantly. And by the by I do not think the shoulders were as tough as the head, at least in this instance, but I also think the joy of the head being out helped a ton!!!

So she was on my chest, covered in vernix with some blood and mucus but not much. I was rubbing her and she was mewing and the nurse asked what she was and I said I didn't know yet and she said I had to look and tried, in a funny way, to lift her leg to peek. The doc said shoot he had forgotten to look to and I just had to. So I said no a few more times and then peeked and again, was shocked. Looking back I think I had to have glimpsed so briefly it was stored in my subconscious right when she was placed on me because I think I waited more in a putting off confirming what I thought I just saw. I was sooo sure it was a boy, and there ARE parts of me that are terrified of a girl. It has to do mostly with teenage years but still. So I rubbed in her vernix, the doc sweetly waited for the cord to stop pulsing and I asked the doula to cut the cord. They placed a blanket over her to keep her warm but I did all the rubbing in of that magic cream. She was soooo alert instantly, just like Bliss, and she looks so so much like him, BUT she is tiny people. I mean to me she is just tiny. 7 lbs 3.8 ounces. That is 2.5 pounds smaller than Bliss and it was sooo shocking.

Are we seeing a theme? The birth that shocked my world.

So after a bit I let them weigh her but she was gone for like 10-15 seconds and then back on me. While she was gone I rubbed her vernix into me too, my chest and face and lips, it is truly amazing stuff and smells soooooooo good. I wish I could make people get that, it is amazing! She was spitting up some mucus but nothing bad and they suctioned her with the bulb syringe a few times and I pulled some out too. She also snorted a lot and grunted but it wasn't a breathing trouble snort or grunt, just likely a little mucus somewhere. She sounded adorable doing it. And her mouth, instantly rooting like a baby bird. I think she may remind me of a little bird but I am not sure yet. Bliss has always been my bug, my ladybug specifically, but that came about after a few weeks so we shall see. I saw a Little Bear two days ago called Pillow Hill where three lil baby birds that were brown with clusters of white triangles on their chests came to Little Bear's window that totally reminded me of her. Now I just need to find out what kind of birds they were (they were baby Robin's). She next latched on perfectly to my breast and sucked for about 3 minutes like a champ. Then she stopped and pooped all over the blanket, but I had them save me the blanket. The blanket stayed out a few days but I just sealed it in a ziplock hoping to save some scent. I swear it smells like it has been doused with the finest perfume in the world. Now I am even more irked our brand new food saver is one of the things "lost" (read stolen) in the move out here.

Lu had been called by my doula as soon as I was told to start pushing in case it was long or I was screaming and Bliss woke up and was scared. So at this point I woke Bliss up. He had slept through the entire thing but I sooo felt his presence. He can be a little long to wake but as soon as I said the baby is here he sat right up. Now for reference I was told I was at a 10 at 3 am and Soul was born at 3:22 am so things really did move fast. I told Bliss he had a baby sister and he said it was OK because he had told me before that he could be outnumbered 5 to 1 (he counts the dogs) but the next baby HAD to be a boy. I laughed and told him we shall see but if I ever have another baby I cannot make it a boy on purpose. Anyhow he gave me some kisses, and Lu came in at this point. She says all she saw was blood and did not think the baby was born yet and she HATED seeing the blood but was happy and surprised too. Bliss asked to go to the hotel at this point which set me crying of course but he said he wanted to go play. He was very overwhelmed I could tell but Lu later told me it was that he said the baby smelled. See, he saw the slime and vernix, but smelled the blood of the room and thought it was the baby and he really didn't like the smell. We did lots of kisses, a couple pictures and he and Lu left.

Anyhow after another blanket and I asked the doc if I tore, he said as soon as the placenta passed he would check. I had a contraction a couple minutes later and he showed me the placenta. It was in great shape. This baby showed absolutely zero signs of being postdates, because she was not. PEOPLE PLEASE LISTEN, if 40 is average, just as many have to go over as under!!

Anyhow off the soapbox now, so the doc said the placenta was great but interesting fact the cord was side attached with is more rare. I am confused why the two 20 week scans didn't show this but glad on hindsight. So doc checked and then chuckled and said I had bragging rights, he said I had a tiny skid mark and that was it. And may I say the tiny stinging at the first pee 5 minutes later proved that to me. Before the pee they had taken out the epidural and after the pee they got me ready to be moved to the maternal and child wing right down across the hall.

Another side note here, they put me in a double room with a full third bed like the other two so Bliss had a place to sleep that night too. They were really so very wonderful with respect to my relationship with Bliss. I was and still am ever so moved about that.

Soul had nursed again for about 10 minutes before we were moved and after we got to the room she nursed for a solid hour. She is a good feeder with a great latch. It is also so nice to be old hat at breast feeding this time, I made things so very hard on myself at the start with Bliss. I truly believe being so relaxed about nursing made it go so much smoother from the start.

So after that hour feed I kept trying to nap but inevitably someone would come in. The sweet volunteer woman with the We Love To Read bag with books and a hat in it, the nurse, the L&D patient advocate nurse I had met with weeks ago to go over my wishes, she had been crying about the birth she was so happy. And of course I loved telling her the whole story, I had not seen her since Friday. Then a fantastic lactation consultant, who knew I was fine but was friends with the advocate nurse and wanted to chat which was fun, but again I needed sleep. Then the pediatric doctor to check her out, she was fine, good as gold but she DID tell me to watch for pee since I said it was so far assumed it was mixed with meconium. We now know better. And then the food service people came by and I told them NO and refused the tray. I wanted sleep!! Then I refused 2 more nurse checks and each of these things came about 5 minutes after falling asleep. Ugh! Then around 9 am my OB came by, shocked and sooooo excited, and of course we talked about it all. He too was shocked and had really thought after the call he got the evening before that he would be doing a c/section that day. He also hadn't even heard what the baby was so I told him a girl and we chatted about the whole thing, and his partner who was the OB who helped me deliver and then he told me as soon as I wanted to leave I could since it was such a normal vaginal delivery.

HA!

So I called Lu again and she was driving around looking for a new hotel with more for Bliss. So I had her ask Bliss if he would like to sleep in the room like he was told earlier or go home that day, and he said home so that was that. I really felt he would be so much less overwhelmed at home so I told my nurse I would be leaving by noon. Lu was taking Bliss for a birth gift, he had already gotten 2 from Soul and asked why another but I explained he got to pick one out from me to him on his new sister's birth day. So after that they came by and we loaded up after the car seat check and we left. Before we went home, however, I had Lu run by Walmart after I called them because the had our BBQ in and had only gotten 2 and one was already sold. So Lu ran in, shaking her head at me, and got the BBQ and I had to help the 2 yes two employees load it in the van because neither could figure it out,

Anyhow we then drove home and went upstairs to rest but by that time I was just wired and still in shock so I sent out the announcement. The rest you know so that is the story.

tidbits...

Soul's eyes are steel grey. They had a blue tinge at birth but they are very grey now. So very very beautiful.

If anyone is a Sonic DX whiz let me know, Bliss just wants to know how to get to play as a new character Sonic Metal, or Esphio(SP?) Metal or Chaos Metal and no matter how he finishes all the parts it seems to never happen. I HATE this game but he has wanted to do this forever so if anyone knows PLEASE let me know.

OK Mac mail, I sent out a mass mail of the blog post birth announcement. Then the next day I sent out one more to a few others but I prepared the email offline since we know my dial up is crap. So anyhow ever since then, no matter what I do the mail won't synch. I cannot get mail on my server at all, and only yesterday could go online to Mobile Me to get mail but I still cannot work my mac mail. And then it keeps bringing back up the email I made offline and ALREADY sent and says it cannot do some actions online and brings it back no matter how many times I delete it.

I am at such a loss but calling Applecare when you can't be online and call at the same time because I have fricking dial-up makes me nuts!!!

I have finally finished the birth story, I just have fine tuning to do so I will post it in the day day or two. In case anyone wonders how I did it with the week we have had PLEASE understand, I have forced myself to do this at sleep loss just so I can get it down before I forget the details. I learned the hard way with Bliss how quickly your mind fuzzes out stuff.

I am down 40 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight just because I was so high before the pregnancy. I also gave birth at 25 down so it is very interesting. I really hope I can keep eating sensibly as I am now and that with the breast feeding I can lost another 40 - 60 pounds. We shall see.

We are doing better and better but I still get the chills thing now and again and it sucks. But beyond that things are going ok. I am emotional and unfair to Lu at times and crying about Bliss often but really, recovery is sooo very much easier when vaginal birth happens.

It is also so so so much easier when you are not recovering from birth trauma as well and with Bliss I truly was. I am emotionally doing way better than I did after Bliss' birth.

I am not getting to anyones blog posts so if you have news email me PLEASE. And know the emails I HAVE been able to read have been so wonderful.

So thank you, thank you, thank you!!