desire...

It's 9:58pm, I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy (Tivo) and , as usual, am in tears. I enjoy the show a lot. The very end of this episode was Meridith's voice saying that desire causes all sorts of feelings and emotions. That wanting causes all sorts of suffering. This is right in line with my Buddhism. But she ends the show saying that "those who suffer the most are the ones who don't know what they want."

BULLSHIT

I am well acquainted with suffering. I have been through years of it, both self and tragically induced. In theory those who suffer the most are those that grasp the hardest, but amount is irrelevant.

I know what I want. I can spell it out, it minute detail. I am aware of it every waking moment of my life. I have gotten it largely. My son, a child, it was my greatest desire. But desire changes. My only desire now is to raise him well, to be a good mama, to help him learn to love himself through all the crap life throws at you. I am also convinced, that for him, for me, for us and our specific situation I can do that best if I give him a sibling.

Before I get comments saying I can raise an only child up to be happy please stop. I am sure that is true, just as I am sure anyone can be happy if they have the right mindset. This is not about that. This is not about how I can change my beliefs, or how I raise my kid. This is about my desires. My need to give my child a sibling. My need to carry another child, to feel another baby move in my womb. My desire to know I can love another child as much as my son, not play favorites and dole out different parcels of love for each child as was doled out to me growing up. My desire to unconditionally love my children and raise them knowing , maybe just even having a notion, of how to unconditionally love themselves.

This is about my desire to see Bliss as a big brother, nurturing and loving his sibling in such a fantastic way as I know he will. This is about my desire to give him his desire, and that is so much stronger than any I could manufacture for myself.

And it hurts, it aches, the longing. And I try and do the things I need to to make it possible, all the while trying to not be frozen in limbo until it comes to fruition.

I am a grasper, and I happen to have a really really strong hold.

on the road again...

I am in a much better place. I think just admitting I was down and getting it all out helped me a lot. I even got on the treadmill twice this week so far.

The sperm arrived yesterday along with my first positive opk. I did one insem. early this morning and will do another tonight. Then it is back to the 2ww. I do better during this phase than the waiting to bleed phase, that is for sure.

down...

i am down
the virginia tech tragedy is awful
the fact that 33 make daily headlines while hundreds get no photos
that we have taken women's rights back 50 years was the straw
the fact that we continue to murder. torture and commit war crimes
the fact that not one american media source is speaking up
we are a nation of bullies and sheep
where is the outrage?
i cannot breathe from choking on mine
couple this all with ttc after a m/c
with taking clomid, estrogen, and progesterone
couple this with 70 pounds hard lost and 50 gained back so damn easily
mix it all up
i am down
wading through and moving forward, but slowly
and sadly
i will get through but it sucks
and i hold on to our pending canadian immigration as a life buoy
but this week is rough

cd8

for shites sake...

Today is cd34, or cd1 depending how you look at it. I am finally, FINALLY, having some spotting. This is officially my longest cycle ever and it has sucked ass!!
I just want to bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed and let it all go. Then I can get back to the business of beginning again.
I am feeling icky lately. I feel like in my head I am being judgemental of everyone and everything and it does not sit well with me. I read about some people who have tried 5 times and are ready for a 6 month break. It made me nuts. This is silly, people can do what they want and/or need to do for themselves, but my internal dialog was loud. I am sure it is because of recent comments from RL friends about if I will keep TTC. I will keep TTC another 6 months at least before I look into a change in protocol. And then it would be injectibles and then IUI perhaps, although timing is never my problem. But the only stopping in my mind would be menopause, and in my family that happens closer to 60 than 50 and I am looking at 40 so I think I am some time, in my mind at least.
So back to judgement. I would never say something, but I do not like the thoughts. It is ugly. It is all wrapped up in my own baggage I know, as is most my judgemental behaviors but I want to work on it. Even having the thoughts clouds how I live, I know this. If only I was working on my Buddhist practice I am sure this would be worked out, but alas, as with the treadmill, my eating and my social life, all our currently non-existent.
I am trying to tackle each one head on though. Purging is usually my first step.

not pregnant...

I am not pregnant. I have always tested positive by this time and I don't "feel" pregnant either.
I am bummed, and some fear of it taking 8 more tries again comes up, but I am trying to just drop all that. I will probably get my flow this weekend and then begin again.

I was speaking with someone yesterday and told them I had tested negative. They asked me if I was going to try again.

????????????????????????????

That ticked me off. A lot. A good friend last month and I were talking. It was right around insemination time. I said "wish me luck, think lots of positive pregnancy thoughts for me" and she said "I am thinking positive for whatever happens, either way" and that too ticked me off. It is like people are thinking I may never get pregnant and carry to term. That is not a possibility in my thoughts, not even close. My only thoughts and fears are around how long it may take. So it hurts when others make those assumptions.

For now I am just trying to focus on the next 30 days.

...

BFN this morning.
I will do one more tomorrow.

vent...

This TWW has been a highly emotional one. I do not want to get all my hopes up. I got pregnant the first try back after my previous m/c so I place pressure on it all from that. Then I have huge mood swings, cannot remember anything to save my life, am crying over 20 times a day, I kid you not, and have various other symptoms. All of these things can be attributed to a Clomid cycle and the current Progesterone I am on. I know this. So I feel like I have to just ignore it all, and not get caught up, and almost be frozen in a way so I won't be too upset if it takes some time again. But with the crying every 15 minutes it makes it a little hard.

I keep feeling this need to vent all of these issues I have. To vent about my bio family abandoning/disowning me. Vent about my abusive childhood. Vent about my body issues, my eating issues, my shopping issues. Vent about how irritated I find it that I am almost 40, hold a Masters degree and a friggin commercial or tv show can remind me that I am STILL in so much pain over the emotional and physical abuse of my childhood. I have been through the therapy. I am not depressed about it, I do not think about it daily, I have let it go. Many times. And that is my point. How can we let something go and let it go and let it go and yet still be affected. How can what happened when we were small affect us forever no matter how much therapy or healthy living we do. It makes me terrified of how I can ever raise Bliss without messing him up. I have 65 year old friends who still turn 12 when around their parents.

So, to come back from that tangent, I am am emotional basket case, all hormone induced (except for a small dose of full moon thrown in) and I am trying to just get to Thursday and be zen with whatever outcomes happens.

Ha

Yeah right.