Friday, May 01, 2009


I feel like I need to add something to my last post and maybe it is in part because of NIAW and maybe it is just because I am staring at the end of my pregnancy coming fast upon me but my thoughts are jumbled so bear with me here.

I do not feel at ease. I do not feel I have "crossed the line" or "made it" or gotten to the "prize" in any way. I am almost 42 weeks pregnant and fear still robs me daily of joys and comforts. I have not been able to really get quiet and listen to my own body because the one sure thing to keep that from happening is fear. And fear is with me every moment it seems.

I did not have this fear with Bliss, not like this. But with 3 years of infertility, 3 babies lost just during that time alone, and 3 IVF's and an FET to get where I am right now there is this huge mountain of fear about coming this far and having it all snapped away in a tragic instant.

The thoughts haunt me in the night like loud cries from lonely creatures out in the dark. I try and remain calm, I breathe deeply and focus on my out breath and try to get through it. I get calm and try to feel the baby move even when it sleeps to reassure myself. I remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am.

But still.

I am robbed of so much through IF even when I am seemingly on the other side. Even though I know so very well I am where I wished so desperately to be not so long ago. I hoped these would be my worries because at least it would mean there was a baby in me, a chance, hope. And I AM there, and I am grateful beyond belief, but I am also angry. I am sad for the woman who isn't getting her full joy, I am angry for her, and I am also her and trying to soother her/myself as I go.

You get this amazing opportunity to re-parent yourself when you have a child and I have done a lot of that over the years, but mostly it was always re-parenting the abused, hurting little girl I was. Now I am trying to find a way to re-something the woman who suffered and suffers IF, and it may not exactly be re-parenting, but it is trying to find grace and gentleness while still being affected daily so I do not bring the baggage along to this new being.

It is difficult and frustrating and I just keep holding on to when I might be able to really take a breath, to really let it out and let go of some of this all consuming fear, and leave some of this seemingly never ending IF baggage at the road side.

10 om's.:

battynurse said...

Hugs to you sweetie.

sandra said...


Lizzie said...

Holding you in my heart. And Bliss, and Soul.

tireegal68 said...

what a beautiful and painful and heart beating post!
I am hoping so many good things for you and for healing for you and the two little ones and your own little girl self and infertile self.
take care.
Prayers for the delivery of your beautiful brave and strong baby and for you the brave beautiful and strong mama:)

owlie said...

hoping quiet finds you soon.

Fat Chick said...

Oh Bleu!!! You just broke my heart.

I was just thinking about this yesterday, about how IF doesn't really end. Frustration and sadness at not getting pregnant can turn into terrible grief (such as you have experienced) and/or a full 42 weeks of fear.

My heart goes out to you. Let us all know when you exhale, and we'll exhale with you.


Billy said...

Sending many hugs your way.

RM said...

I *SO* know where you are right now... I could have written this post in the day's leading up to C's birth (although not as eloquently!)

We are all here with you, holding your hand. xo

butterflyanla said...

This post is so heart felt and may you free yourself from the burden of IF soon. I wish you all the best and may your beautiful baby arrive soon healthy.

Neenie said...

I hope that gorgeous post let some o fthe feeling out for you and you were able to- for at least a moment- breathe a sigh of ahhhhhhhh
Always thinking of you and fingers crossed that you get every fucking thing you wish for Bleu :)