pain...

I am not sleeping much. I have been having just awful nightmares. Most about or related to my biological family who disowned me over 10 years ago. I am bitter and angry but really I just am mourning the family I wish I had, the support I wish I had, the unconditional love I wish I had. It's one of the reasons I am trying so desperately to have more children, to give Bliss family, family who will be there when I am gone, family who knows the value of unconditional love.

I didn't have many people to tell this time, thank Goddess. I called everyone on the way home from the clinic on Thursday, in tears. I spoke with a best friend and a cousin I am in contact with (she has been through 2 m/c's) and later got a hold of another. I also left messages for four others. My cousin also told my aunt who I have a relationship with.

The next day my cousin called, asked how I was, and then said she called to ask some info on an Ikea unit I owned. I was so floored. I wasn't even given 24 hours. She said it must be the hardest to be waiting with them dead inside me. I said I was fine, answered her questions and hung up.

My aunt has never called, in fact no one has called me at all of any of the messages I left. I get people do not know what to say, but it hurts, it is like adding more layers of pain to an already endless pit of it. There are hours where I just sit and hit refresh over and over waiting for a new comment because it is literally my only means of support, my only means of feeling held through this.

I have no family. I have a roomie/best friend who is great but is not the kind of friendship to hold me all night as I ball. That is ok, she is fantastic and wonderful with Bliss and it is simply who she is. She is hurting a ton over this and helps me immensely. I just wish I had a mother, or a friend who could. Bliss makes it all better in so many ways but it is not his responsibility to be all that for me. I cry some in front of him, but I do a lot after he is asleep.

I have not had even a tinge of a spot. I have always had the cervix of steel and thus far it is not budging. I am in pain though. I spent the past two days feeling body aches and kidney pain and now this morning I have uterine cramps, more like a pulled muscle than period cramps but they are constant.

I read on a board someone speaking about how they had felt their body failed them in not getting pregnant for so long, and then not keeping the baby, and that they were waiting to miscarry naturally in part to help restore some faith in their body, that it could at least do this right. I identified with it a lot, but now feel as if I may not even be able to do this correctly.

I am sure it sound sick but a part of me doesn't want to let my babies go, let them out of my body, and I am sure that is affecting this process. They are MY babies, and the idea of letting them go makes it all more final, more a reality that my dream is over, that I am back where I was over 2 years ago trying to have another baby.

And what the fuck is up with February??? I conceived Bliss in February, and have had 2 of my 3 miscarriages in February. I am rather torn but no one can say this isn't the month of love, love lost and love found for sure.

I have had some of the anger come up, in between tears and numbness. The stages are so predictable but no less painful.

So I am waiting, in pain, every kind of pain, and hoping it will and won't end soon.

p.s. just got call from new tests with old lab and my numbers are all fine, antibodies way down and thyroglobulin undetectible which is good and explains nothing as to this loss