posting...

If all goes well we will be moving into our new home tomorrow.

YAY!!!

I have been too stressed about a lot that happened with the closing to write about it but it seems to be going through in time now.

Once there I will only have........wait for it.............dial up.

I know I know it is terrifying for me, but apparently there will be high speed where we live soon, hopefully within 6 months or less. I REALLY hope less.

In the meantime I will see how it is but it may take a few days before I can get it set up.

I am thinking, however, that tomorrow night I may get to actually sleep in my bed for the first time since January. OMFG I cannot wait!!!!!!

I am 37weeks and 1day today in case anyone is wondering. Maybe I will put a ticker up soon. Heh, I crack me up.

Anyhow I have packing to do, luckily not much, and a nap to try and take.

Oh and two more possibilities for middle names. Soul Echo, Soul Journey but I am still leaving it mostly up to Bliss and feelings when the baby comes.


Much love to all and thank you so much for the great support in the previous post. I really am ok, it was late night emotions that came up strong and writing them let them pass easier. There is no contact for those who do not know, I was disowned with lawyers and everything over a decade ago. I grew up with a man who believed, among other things, in euthanasia for all homosexuals. Good times!!

Anyhow I am ok, I just know there isn't nothing there and sometimes it finds me and I am confused.

BUT...........

enough of that I am soooo excited about moving into our home.

what to do with it...

What do you do with it.
You get raised by weak people who abuse you and teach you how terribly you deserve to be treated.
You grow up fucked up and abusing yourself when you don't find someone else to do it for you.
You get better and then worse and then better and then worse until finally, after many years, you heal bit by bit and get better, get a life of your own.
You grow and find direction, find yourself, but still try to live with them and find a way.
Then they get to know the real you, or hear about it and you get disowned.
You spin again, along with finding you you make some huge regressions thinking you are back at square one.
But you aren't.
You have some big bumps ahead but the path you are on is headed the right way.
You stray away but seem to find your way back a tiny bit easier now.
You do it as an orphan the whole time but you do it.
You hold on to anger at times, you hold grief closely at others.
Always aware of the abandonment, always tinted a little by it.
You grow more and more, you begin your own family, not sure you think you deserve it but you go for it.
You go through devastation and sink low but you come back and are soooo very lucky and blessed.
You know unconditional love for the first time ever flowing both ways.
You feel their absence at time early on that aches deeply.
Then you have revelations and you get angry.
You stop excusing their weakness and re-parent your own little child within.
You love yourself in new beautiful ways.
You love opposite as they did.
You cherish, you nurture, you do not abuse, anyone, nor let anyone abuse you, even yourself anymore.
You grow, you flourish in so many ways, you feel glimpses of content more and more.
Then the acute awareness of your orphanhood hits you and you know you must not leave your gift that world.
So you begin to try for another gift, to be lucky again.
Then it doesn't happen and their is more loss.
And more loss.
And you question yourself and live in anticipated moments not really living for so long.
But you don't think of them much, just in what you want to leave for your own gift.
Just of the love you feel and want to give and teach.
And finally after a very long and very hard road you get lucky again and you begin living again.
And breathing again at last.
But what do you do with the feelings towards them?
I do not forgive, they had no excuse.
But can I say their is no feelings there?
No I cannot.
So what to do with those complicated, not too pretty feelings?
I do not notice them often but they are there, and sometimes, like long nights after even longer days they almost choke me for a few moments.
Rage, grief, fear, hate, love, sadness, loss, pity, disgust, resentment, wistfulness, pain.
They are melded into one amalgam of sensation I do not no what to do with.

Do you?

the mother of the genius...

So it is 1:30 in the morning and I am awake with far too many thoughts which I am sure I will write about in future days but the latest thoughts have turned to the entry two posts ago about Bliss' realization at our strange idioms.

Here is my new thought. We say "I like that don't I?" which we already decided makes no sense, but we also say "I don't like that do I?" That makes no sense either!!!!! But there has to be something to the negative positive and the positive negative, but really it IS past 1:30 in the morning and I am not going there.

Night night.

middle names...

So I am very particular about names for my child/ren.

I know the first name years prior. The middle name usually not until right before birth.

I do not like gender specific names at all.

I really care about the meaning of the names.

Bliss Om is about the creation of Bliss. It fit and fits perfectly.

Soul is the name of this baby.

I have been really discussing middle names with Bliss lately because I like the idea of him having input.

He said he may like the idea of sharing a middle name with the baby which I like but we decided we are not sure.

So I am writing what we are thinking of down, but let me be clear, I am not needing opinions, I am VERY comfortable with my choices and am writing this more for the record and the enjoyment of being able to later look at how this came to pass. Plus I thought I would share it with the blog world.

Soul Om (which would be the sharing which may be really adorable)
Soul Breath
Soul Zen
Soul Light (sadly this CANNOT be used due to our last name)
Soul Peace


And yes they are all crunchy, I would not have it any other way.

Anyhow thought I would share.

out of the mouth of a genius...

"Mama I like pineapple don't I?"

"Yes you do honey."

"Mama why do we say 'don't I'?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do we say 'don't I' instead of saying like 'I like pineapple, I do'?"

"Hmmm hun, that is a really good question and I am not sure, it doesn't make as much sense does it?"

(He went on to further esplain how it does not make sense to say 'don't I' when he is actually asking if he does or asking if I know he does, and why use 'don't' when he is asking if he does...genius I tell ya)

blahhhhhhh...

I have not been updating lately and i should be but I am just in limbo hell and never do well with that. If you don't believe me do a search for that word on my blog...it is never fun for me.

Anyhow we made an offer on a home and it was accepted. We are paying more than i want but we bought all 6.5 acres(it was listed for just 3) and in the long run it will be really great. I know this.

But.

It has a tenant and so they will not close until April 30th. I am due the 20th although I do not put much stock in due dates. Bliss went 42 weeks and was forced out. But conditions have already been met and all has gone through and now it is a waiting game. The tenant could move out in a week, or not until July. There are very real legal issues with him and the current owners that make either time line a distinct possibility and there is really nothing we can do to help it along. I know that may seem strange since we have an April 30th closing but that is the facts and now we just wait. He is a nice man but frustrated at the owners because he was under the impression the house was being taken off the market.

But now there is nothing to do really. We cannot afford to be spending money, we do not have our stuff except bare bare minimum things. We have no idea what is happening on the moving situation and I am frustrated.

The rental we are in is expensive and we also have to pay a ton for storage which we really do not want to continue to pay. The bed is a hotel queen, so a small queen or a big full which is not ok for Bliss and I AND the new baby. I co-sleep. My choice, and something I STRONGLY believe in, and I am not sure how things will work at all if I am not out of here before I give birth. Our wonderful bed is still unreachable in storage and would cost a lot to have brought here to the rental.

I also feel like crap most of the time. I did get to a doctor's appt which got me a referral to an OB. The doc listened on her doppler and all was declared fine. She did nothing I can't do though so no news there. My fundus is measuring about 4 weeks ahead but it always was, the baby still seems small to me which is very strange and I look forward to getting some more info on that. The baby moves often though so that has been comforting.

I still throw up once or twice a week, tried a new med which has not done really anything. It seems I either spend a day sick and do not throw up or spend a day throwing up but feel better after.

I know things will work out but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am getting so crabby this week and I do not want my last few precious weeks with Bliss as just a twosome to be filled with crabby miserable mama so I am frustrated. The stress is also keeping me up at night. I expect that since my body has to gear up for waking all night soon enough but I am just yuck.

That is why I haven't been posting much.

It HAS been beautiful here, there is a ton of neat stuff I could say or show on the new place and Nova Scotia stuff, but I just want to be in our house first.

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it out to hopefully feel better.

dirt update...

BENIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tubular Adenoma of the Mammary is all it was. Pathologist said it was the most harmless mammary tumor he has seen.


WAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

show and tell for melissa...

I finally downloaded pictures from the trip across and came across this I had taken in line at a Wal*Mart in Ontario. I took it with Mel in mind, I thought she would appreciate it. Especially if you remember THIS post of hers.

I got quite a few strange stares in line as I took it and Bliss asked me very pointedly why I was taking a picture of those. I explained it was for Melissa for Show and Tell and that seems to satisfy him.