Saturday, April 28, 2007

desire...

It's 9:58pm, I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy (Tivo) and , as usual, am in tears. I enjoy the show a lot. The very end of this episode was Meridith's voice saying that desire causes all sorts of feelings and emotions. That wanting causes all sorts of suffering. This is right in line with my Buddhism. But she ends the show saying that "those who suffer the most are the ones who don't know what they want."

BULLSHIT

I am well acquainted with suffering. I have been through years of it, both self and tragically induced. In theory those who suffer the most are those that grasp the hardest, but amount is irrelevant.

I know what I want. I can spell it out, it minute detail. I am aware of it every waking moment of my life. I have gotten it largely. My son, a child, it was my greatest desire. But desire changes. My only desire now is to raise him well, to be a good mama, to help him learn to love himself through all the crap life throws at you. I am also convinced, that for him, for me, for us and our specific situation I can do that best if I give him a sibling.

Before I get comments saying I can raise an only child up to be happy please stop. I am sure that is true, just as I am sure anyone can be happy if they have the right mindset. This is not about that. This is not about how I can change my beliefs, or how I raise my kid. This is about my desires. My need to give my child a sibling. My need to carry another child, to feel another baby move in my womb. My desire to know I can love another child as much as my son, not play favorites and dole out different parcels of love for each child as was doled out to me growing up. My desire to unconditionally love my children and raise them knowing , maybe just even having a notion, of how to unconditionally love themselves.

This is about my desire to see Bliss as a big brother, nurturing and loving his sibling in such a fantastic way as I know he will. This is about my desire to give him his desire, and that is so much stronger than any I could manufacture for myself.

And it hurts, it aches, the longing. And I try and do the things I need to to make it possible, all the while trying to not be frozen in limbo until it comes to fruition.

I am a grasper, and I happen to have a really really strong hold.

4 om's.:

marta said...

i totally agree with you. those that don't know what they want can't possibly miss it as much as those of us who know exactly what we want and can SPELL IT OUT.

and i always end up in tears each week as well :)

good luck. i hope your suffering ends soon.

The Town Criers said...

I have to agree with you that the inverse of Meredith's sentence is true--deeply knowing what you want? And being a grasper, as you say, and having the dream within your reach but the tangible side outside your reach? That's just maddening.

Wishing you peace--both you and Bliss.

bleu said...

Thanks Marta, I know you know this oh so well. I am so sorry for your pain right now. I am here should you need a friend.

bleu said...

Melissa, as usual, your words have touched and soothed me. I always feel like I got picked first for kickball when you post on my blog, not sure why, but it brings such a warmth to my heart. Thank you.