Friday, April 13, 2007

for shites sake...

Today is cd34, or cd1 depending how you look at it. I am finally, FINALLY, having some spotting. This is officially my longest cycle ever and it has sucked ass!!
I just want to bleed, and bleed, and bleed, and bleed and let it all go. Then I can get back to the business of beginning again.
I am feeling icky lately. I feel like in my head I am being judgemental of everyone and everything and it does not sit well with me. I read about some people who have tried 5 times and are ready for a 6 month break. It made me nuts. This is silly, people can do what they want and/or need to do for themselves, but my internal dialog was loud. I am sure it is because of recent comments from RL friends about if I will keep TTC. I will keep TTC another 6 months at least before I look into a change in protocol. And then it would be injectibles and then IUI perhaps, although timing is never my problem. But the only stopping in my mind would be menopause, and in my family that happens closer to 60 than 50 and I am looking at 40 so I think I am some time, in my mind at least.
So back to judgement. I would never say something, but I do not like the thoughts. It is ugly. It is all wrapped up in my own baggage I know, as is most my judgemental behaviors but I want to work on it. Even having the thoughts clouds how I live, I know this. If only I was working on my Buddhist practice I am sure this would be worked out, but alas, as with the treadmill, my eating and my social life, all our currently non-existent.
I am trying to tackle each one head on though. Purging is usually my first step.

3 om's.:

Sara said...

Sending you peaceful purging thoughts.

bleu said...

To you too sweetie!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes they really don't want a break but they have to take it. sometimes they owe the irs $10K.