Monday, April 02, 2007


This TWW has been a highly emotional one. I do not want to get all my hopes up. I got pregnant the first try back after my previous m/c so I place pressure on it all from that. Then I have huge mood swings, cannot remember anything to save my life, am crying over 20 times a day, I kid you not, and have various other symptoms. All of these things can be attributed to a Clomid cycle and the current Progesterone I am on. I know this. So I feel like I have to just ignore it all, and not get caught up, and almost be frozen in a way so I won't be too upset if it takes some time again. But with the crying every 15 minutes it makes it a little hard.

I keep feeling this need to vent all of these issues I have. To vent about my bio family abandoning/disowning me. Vent about my abusive childhood. Vent about my body issues, my eating issues, my shopping issues. Vent about how irritated I find it that I am almost 40, hold a Masters degree and a friggin commercial or tv show can remind me that I am STILL in so much pain over the emotional and physical abuse of my childhood. I have been through the therapy. I am not depressed about it, I do not think about it daily, I have let it go. Many times. And that is my point. How can we let something go and let it go and let it go and yet still be affected. How can what happened when we were small affect us forever no matter how much therapy or healthy living we do. It makes me terrified of how I can ever raise Bliss without messing him up. I have 65 year old friends who still turn 12 when around their parents.

So, to come back from that tangent, I am am emotional basket case, all hormone induced (except for a small dose of full moon thrown in) and I am trying to just get to Thursday and be zen with whatever outcomes happens.


Yeah right.

8 om's.:

Kelly & Mikki & Our Little Honey said...

Hang in're doing great! I deal continuously with the sexual abuse I faced as a child - even though it happend about 20 years ago. We never, ever "get over it" and it's unrealistic to think that you ever will. Trauma is just that...trauma. And as one of my many good therapists once told me, every new phase in our lives is a new way to have to confront the same pain.

You'll get through this...and don't worry about Bliss. He has a loving, supporting parent who would never hurt him. That is what children need, and what he is lucky enough to have.

bananie said...

sometimes venting about these huge things (that you think you should've permanently let go by now)is completely okay. there are so many others out there (and reading you?) that haven't come as far as you yet, in terms of dealing/healing. what you see as venting could actually be relief to someone who can't find the words.

so. vent away. tell your story if you need to. there's a lot of love around here.


Sara said...

Sending you calm and reassuring thoughts.

Erin said...

Hang in there!

Mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh aren't the hormones just dreadful when it comes to this stuff? I have decided that anything related to pregnancy/parenting very much brings up on a physical, psychological and spiritual level anything to do with the pain you yourself experienced as a child and as a result of how you were parented. I know that it's really brought home to me just how bad my mother really was and is and how much my fractured family has damaged my heart. It's like I could just shove it all under the surface before I was TTC or pregnant, but it's floated to the top and needs to be grieved for now. And I'm a "therapy graduate" too!

I know the crying sucks, but it's the sadness leaving your body and cleaning it out a bit ready for the new life. Embrace your crying! Go girl!

Erin said...

Sweetie you are so much stronger than you are letting yourself see!
I am sending you lots of love and strength! I to have some childhood issues that I have found it hard to "let go" of...they somehow creep back into my mind. There is a site that I have found helpful, if you are up for checking it out here is the link:

Darlin you keep hanging in there and know that there is a whole community out here that is thinking of you and sending you our love and support.


The Town Criers said...

All the crap of childhood or the crap of adulthood--it's like dust. You clean and clean and it looks great for a few days and then it's back. And sometimes it's back and you don't care because you're too busy to really notice. And sometimes it's back and it gets under your skin because you're so upset at the state of the house.

Bliss will have his own dust--we all have dust. But you are a fantastic mother and you're giving him the cleaning tools he needs in order to get rid of that dust as it comes up in his life.

Hang in there, sweetie.

barbara said...

I understand. I hope you're able to be zen today!