Wednesday, May 09, 2007

sigh...

I am not pregnant.
I am frustrated, and feeling a bit down.
I am in stasis and it is not a real good way to live.
With my life on hold in so many ways.
But I will keep trying, and keep plugging along.
On a positive note I am going up north tomorrow with Bliss.
We are going to a dear friends graduation from College.
We will go to the beach, me the whale.
We will have s'mores.
We will have our first vacation in years.
Bliss is so excited and I am as well.
We have also started school, he and I.
Each day we work on letters, numbers, writing.
He has never been into drawing so now he is learning.
I was always a high school teacher, my forte.
It is so different teaching this age, and then that it is my child.
I find myself getting upset telling him he knows how to do it, to just try.
Then I pull back an breathe and he smiles and says,
"Go with the flow mama."
It is our mantra for when we get cranky.
Today school started out pretty icky, but we were both tired.
We took a 4 hour nap together.
The first in ages and longest in years.
We woke up and he wanted to do school again.
It went great.
He is teaching me so much.
I just want to give him a sibling in return.
Sigh.

2 om's.:

Sara said...

Sorry for the bad news. Hoping you are finding solace with your son.

The Town Criers said...

I hope you're having fun at the graduation/vacation today. I love that you're doing school time.

You know, I've always likened one of the frustrations of a second round of assisted conception (or any type of secondary IF) to the student that you know can do it if he tries, but for whatever reason isn't. And there's nothing you can do to motivate him. He needs to motivate himself. I was never frustrated with the kids who honestly couldn't do the work and we all knew they couldn't do the work. I was so frustrated with the kids who knew how to do the work or could do it if they tried, but for whatever reason, they were digging in their heels and wouldn't focus. That's how I feel about my body sometimes. I want to say to it, "come on, you did this once now. Just do it again." When you wrote about being frustrated with Bliss in that moment, it made me think about how I feel about my body sometimes.

Hang in there, Bleu.