9:19 pm...

i am gutted
absolutely soul wrenchingly gutted
i know it is still early
i would love to feel silly tomorrow or the next day
but tonight
right now
it hurts so bad my bones are aching
my head screams at me every crappy thing anyone has ever said about me ttc
my heart fears never getting to feel a baby move in me again
oh goddess i want that again
i know i am so fortunate
i am so blessed
but my entire life is on hold
fuck telling me i should get on
fuck telling me it'll happen when it should
fuck every positive and negative comment ever
about my eggs, my fat, my hormones, my antibodies, my age, my ability to ovulate on my own
i just want this, i need this, he needs this
our family i have worked so hard to create needs this
no matter how hard i tried
no matter what i told myself
it still guts me
there is no avoiding it
no getting around it
these tears down my face, over my chest and sore breasts
they don't stop
i play bargaining games with every god i can think of
i come up with new scientific methods to put my body through next time
if i shift a day here
if i add a drug there
maybe my altar needs a clearing and re-arranging
yeah that's it
dust off and move some things
smudge it and all will be well
there is no possibility of not having another baby for me
it is not even in my realm of maybe per chance
it is not even the forethought of an idea
it is just this endless trying
this pain in 2 week doses
this hope and longing and wishing and praying and utter devastation
over and over and over







i am gutted