Saturday, August 25, 2007

argh...

I ran some errands today, nothing new, do it all the time. But today I kept crying. I put on some Pink to listen to thinking kick-ass music would help and I cried through it. Every time I got in my truck I began crying more. Then I would get out, run an errand, and back in. At one store, in an elevator, an elderly woman and her son were the only ones in with me and we made humorous small talk and I found myself thinking "see you can lighten up and enjoy an everyday moment" and then the woman exclaimed, out of the blue "BABY DAY!" I said "excuse me?" and she said "The store is having a baby day soon (pointing to a flyer on the elevator wall) I just LOVE babies!" I smiled and high tailed it out of there.

I was finally on my way home, Bliss was home with my roomie playing and watching movies, I was missing him like crazy (yes I am a very clingy mama who rarely leaves her child for a minute and it is one additional reason I want/need to have another child so I do not smother him to death) and crying from that and then I realized I was near Whole Foods, which is across town from where I live, so I decided to pop in for some take out lunch. I ran in to get some curry and coconut rice and some Fage yoghurt and low and behold Whole Foods is having their very own Baby Day with tables set up and yes you guessed it, tons of kids. I got my food and drove home crying and screaming the words to Pinks "Long Way To Happy" song.

I am assuming my period is nearing and it is adding to my emotional state but I feel like I cannot catch a break in my head and heart right now. I am raw and hurting and worried about ending up facing IVF when I honestly cannot afford it. I am frustrated and have a secret fear it is because I am so fat that I am not pregnant (I got pregnant after I lost all that weight then gained it back and lost the baby) and I am getting angry as well. I am angry that my love, my child asked me today why he can't meet his grandma and I had to explain that my mother won't let me see her and he asked if we could call to which I had to tell him no, that my mother wasn't very nice and wouldn't let me call either. I am angry I do not have free fresh sperm available to me on demand, even though I am gay and do not even want to be in a relationship at all with any gender. I am angry that I am so frozen in the IF but I am unable and/or unwilling to focus on anything else. I am angry I cannot move to Canada for 18 more months even though it is nobody's fault.

I am rambling, trying to purge, and that isn't even coming out right or helpful.

3 om's.:

ohchicken said...

there are no words that will help, i don't think.

but i'm taking deep breaths for you.
and i wish peace for you.

annie

The Town Criers said...

This summed it up perfectly, Bleu: "I cannot catch a break in my head and heart right now."

I hope you catch that break.

Sara said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you are able to find peace soon, but in the meantime, I'm glad you have a safe forum to work out your feelings...