irked and bored...

I am awake. Why you ask? I am gushing so much that I have to change stuff every 2 hours or I will ruin my new sheets. I am on cd1 for goddess' sake. I would LOVE to wake up every two hours again for a baby. I loved it when Bliss was a baby. I do NOT love doing it to stop a blood flood. I am wiped out from this already.

I spend so much time worrying about having a cold uterus but I probably have a hot one. It seems to me I have too much blood flow.

So while up I got bored and changed my template, again. I am not sure I like it but I am tired of the old one. I wish there were more choices.

Sleep well blog world, I hope I can soon.

cd 1...

I am like clockwork. I am cd 1 today. Always glad to have the wait after a known negative over. Now it is on to see if this "natural" cycle will be wacky or not.

I am 15 down on the weight thing.

I feel ick today but that is just the period talking I am sure.

out but hope...

I am out this cycle. I am down but there is some hope. I managed to get on the new good insurance after much running around today. I now have an appointment for October 9th with the Fertility Clinic my doc has wanted me to go to. I am feeling some hope at this and am glad it is not too far in the future.

I realized today that I really regret that I had the D&C after my m/c in Feb. The first m/c I had before I had Bliss was a natural one. It was painful both physically and emotionally but it was also purging and cleansing in a way. I waited 3 cycles and my first try back I got pregnant with Bliss.

Since my D&C I have had such strange periods. I also feel that perhaps it did something to mess with my insides or caused a blockage of some sort. I wish I had had the strength and patience to wait for my body to heal itself back then. I know I was so emotional and I just wanted it over but in hindsight I wish I had made a different choice.

I will still try this month, but it will be a natural cycle and then hopefully, if nothing terrific happens, I will get to start a new plan the cycle after. It would put O right around Beltaine or Halloween which would be terrific.

Bliss was with me running around today and I told him it was so I could get a new doctor who could maybe help me have a baby and he said "good mama, but when you see this new doctor I am going with you." He is so darn cute.

So sadness with hope, a strange kind of day, but it is raining and that always makes me smile.

for me...

11 dpo...

negative

home again...

We are back home from our trip.

I have been back a few days but feeling very cocoon-ish and not really in a place to talk. The trip was great and a let down all rolled into one. I think I had some expectations which is always a recipe for a let down. We did have some great times too so I am trying to focus on that. I do, however, think my son would have been just as happy at a hotel down the street from where we live and that is exactly what I am planning next time.

On the ttc front things do not feel special in any way. I know I have been pregnant without symptoms before, but I am not feeling very positive right now. I POAS this morning at 10 dpo, which I know is early, and of course it was a negative. I am planning for it not to change and really trying to be ok with it.

I am also planning on doing what it takes to get the new insurance. I have been doing some fertility treatments with my current doc but also doing some on my own. (NOTE: do not flame, I am a highly educated and intelligent woman who made her own choice and am fine with it) I am now looking at being referred to the fertility clinic and hoping it can all happen quickly and I will not have to take steps backwards in order to go forward. I am of the mind to just do IVF but I do not know what hoops will have to be gone through with the new insurance.

If anyone has had IVF with Un*ited He*alth C*are let me know your experiences.

I am so afraid of never carrying again, it consumes my breath and makes me suffocate. I have now idea of how to even allow that idea in without having a breakdown.

On a completely different note I have lost 13 pounds in the first two weeks and two days of my eating plan and I am pleased with that. Of course all I want to do today is eat fattening foods until the pain goes away, but I am sticking to my plan. I did go off one day on vacation and then got back to it so that is going ok too.

I will post pics soon of Bliss on our trip.

on our way...

I had insems on Friday and Saturday. I am a bit bummed because I had zero CM which is strange for me. I am trying to be positive though.

I have also lost 6.5 pounds since last Sunday which makes me feel really good. I still weigh more than ever but at least I am headed in the right direction. I also feel good about how I am doing it. Nothing extreme and nothing unrealistic.

I am heading out tomorrow with Bliss for our trip. I am excited and really looking forward to being on the road with him. He is so excited he is running in circles today.

I did a bunch of shopping so I can cook all our food on the road to save some money. I also did it so I can stay on target as much as possible. I am not sure how I will treat the S'mores part of the trip when we are in the woods, but I am treating it as a potential learning experiment. Either I will go off plan at times, and practice getting right back on plan at my next meal, or I will juggle calories and make room for said s'mores and stay on plan. To be honest I am really only looking forward to one s'more and maybe one ridiculous priced coffee drink with too many calories, but that is really about it. So we will see how I do and what I decide, but whatever I choose I will set my main goal as not getting down on myself for any choices I make on our vacation.

In other news, when we get back I will be getting some info that will help me make some plans for if this cycle does not work. I have a possibility of getting insurance that will cover IF. It will cause a domino effect in many other areas of my life that I am just not sure is ok when I look at the bigger picture of our future. I do, though, think that I will finally be able to get some clarity on if it will not only be possible, but worthwhile to pursue. I think I will be able to know by the end of the month which really makes me happy. I am the absolute worst with limbo situations and I always have been, so having some clarity will make me feel much better. I do have a question for the blogosphere. Has anyone gotten new insurance for IF. If I get this my doc is ready to refer me to the IF Clinic, but could the insurance say it is pre-existing. Also, can the say I have to do another 6 months of trying before treatments? I am 40 so it would be less time but I am concerned about all of this. I also am paranoid about speaking directly with them because I do not want them to possibly use it against me. The insurance is UHC and it has great IF coverage. I do not want to go into details in the open, but feel free to email me to talk details.

where i am at...

I am doing ok.

I am gearing up for an insem this weekend and then next week Bliss and I leave for our trip up the coast.

It has been a pretty up and down week so far. The drugs I am on have been making me go from zero to sixty immediately which has been just crappy when it comes to yelling at the most ridiculous things. My poor son has finally shown some effects of my irrational behavior and has been acting out in all sorts of fun ways. Yesterday we had a really rough day and at bedtime I was furious with him and asked that he lay down quietly on the other side of the bed until I was calmed down.

Well when I was ready to talk he had fallen asleep and I felt so badly. I cried for a long time and then when I later took him to the bathroom before I went to sleep I told him some stuff but I knew he was really groggy. This morning we had a very long talk and then we ran two errands and went to the park. It has been a much better day today and I feel like I am back on track again, but it kills me when I know part of it is truly hormone induced. I am trying to get pregnant to give this creature I love more than life a sibling he so desperately wants and in the shit process that is IF I am a monster to him. It sucks so hard at times.

I am working on really changing things in me though. I am doing more meditative breath work. I am trying to make myself do the small things that ground me. I have a new lead on some work that may pan out really well which would be a boost to all things me. I have also started an eating thing. It isn't a diet of any specific kind. It is making a plan for me.

You see my dear blog world friends I have this problem. I stress badly over 2 things in life mostly (outside of IF). I stress over my finances and I stress over my weight. Other things I worry about but don't get crazy over. My problem is that when I am severely stress over money I buy things and when severely stressed over my weight I eat. It is bass ackwards I know and I truly hate it but it is what I do. I have to come to a place where this is no longer my pattern but it is a struggle to figure out how to. I am a person who has always been an extremist. An all or nothing sort of person. When I go on a diet I do great, I never cheat, because if I do once, it is over. I lost so much weight before and did fantastic, but then when I got pregnant I threw it all out the window. I am also not one to deny myself stuff indefinitely. So I have to figure out how to come up with some plans that just change how I live that I can honestly live with forever.

I found this site called FitDay that is totally free and offers this great daily food diary. It has a way to add foods with all the nutritional info. It also has all these options to do a food journal, or set goals, or mark a calendar. It also lets you add daily activities to see what you are burning. I decided to set up a plan for myself. I decided to make just a couple goals, very simple ones. I made my minimum calorie intake 900 and my maximum 1750. I also had a goal to lose 25 pounds in 2 months. When I was on the diet before I lost 20 a month very easily so I feel this is a realistic goal. My problem is quantity, it always has been. I like to eat large portions of real whole food. I am not so much a junk food person. I am a whole dairy, red meat, homemade pie kind of person.

Anyhow I am following it but I feel like I have a built in safety net to a degree. I try to keep calories at 1500 each day but if I am stressed at it hits 1700 I am still within my goals. I also am not saying I have any foods off limits. So long as I stay within limits anything goes. The other morning I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I had two with coffee. I also ate smart the rest of the day and had a day within the limits I set.

I am not sure how this will go but so far, since Sunday I have lost 4 pounds. I know it may change as I get closer to ovulation and my ovaries are jacked up but I am giving this a go for 2 weeks. At the end of two weeks we will see how I am and go from there. The thing I like is if I want to eat something awful for me, like say one day I want popcorn with butter and a soda (the only time I drink soda is popcorn and pizza) then that can be my meal and I eat right the rest of the day.

I heard this woman speak who had lost a lot of weight. She wrote a book after interviewing all these people who had lost over 100 pounds and kept it off and she said that one thing all of them had in common was that when they messed up they started right back at the very next meal. So my plan is sort of tailored around that principal. Besides I know that the bottom line with weight loss is calories in calories out.

Anyhow that is where I am at. Does anyone relate to the eat when bummed about weight and spend when stressed over money thing? How have you learned to get around it and grow through it? Who of you are all or nothing types and how did you learn to live a happy healthy life?

Lastly, I just wanted to say how much it helps me just having this place to vent and get such great support and feedback.

angst...

You know you're jaded when you want to scream
"LEARN SOME BIOLOGY"
at newbies on TTC boards.