Wednesday, September 05, 2007

where i am at...

I am doing ok.

I am gearing up for an insem this weekend and then next week Bliss and I leave for our trip up the coast.

It has been a pretty up and down week so far. The drugs I am on have been making me go from zero to sixty immediately which has been just crappy when it comes to yelling at the most ridiculous things. My poor son has finally shown some effects of my irrational behavior and has been acting out in all sorts of fun ways. Yesterday we had a really rough day and at bedtime I was furious with him and asked that he lay down quietly on the other side of the bed until I was calmed down.

Well when I was ready to talk he had fallen asleep and I felt so badly. I cried for a long time and then when I later took him to the bathroom before I went to sleep I told him some stuff but I knew he was really groggy. This morning we had a very long talk and then we ran two errands and went to the park. It has been a much better day today and I feel like I am back on track again, but it kills me when I know part of it is truly hormone induced. I am trying to get pregnant to give this creature I love more than life a sibling he so desperately wants and in the shit process that is IF I am a monster to him. It sucks so hard at times.

I am working on really changing things in me though. I am doing more meditative breath work. I am trying to make myself do the small things that ground me. I have a new lead on some work that may pan out really well which would be a boost to all things me. I have also started an eating thing. It isn't a diet of any specific kind. It is making a plan for me.

You see my dear blog world friends I have this problem. I stress badly over 2 things in life mostly (outside of IF). I stress over my finances and I stress over my weight. Other things I worry about but don't get crazy over. My problem is that when I am severely stress over money I buy things and when severely stressed over my weight I eat. It is bass ackwards I know and I truly hate it but it is what I do. I have to come to a place where this is no longer my pattern but it is a struggle to figure out how to. I am a person who has always been an extremist. An all or nothing sort of person. When I go on a diet I do great, I never cheat, because if I do once, it is over. I lost so much weight before and did fantastic, but then when I got pregnant I threw it all out the window. I am also not one to deny myself stuff indefinitely. So I have to figure out how to come up with some plans that just change how I live that I can honestly live with forever.

I found this site called FitDay that is totally free and offers this great daily food diary. It has a way to add foods with all the nutritional info. It also has all these options to do a food journal, or set goals, or mark a calendar. It also lets you add daily activities to see what you are burning. I decided to set up a plan for myself. I decided to make just a couple goals, very simple ones. I made my minimum calorie intake 900 and my maximum 1750. I also had a goal to lose 25 pounds in 2 months. When I was on the diet before I lost 20 a month very easily so I feel this is a realistic goal. My problem is quantity, it always has been. I like to eat large portions of real whole food. I am not so much a junk food person. I am a whole dairy, red meat, homemade pie kind of person.

Anyhow I am following it but I feel like I have a built in safety net to a degree. I try to keep calories at 1500 each day but if I am stressed at it hits 1700 I am still within my goals. I also am not saying I have any foods off limits. So long as I stay within limits anything goes. The other morning I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I had two with coffee. I also ate smart the rest of the day and had a day within the limits I set.

I am not sure how this will go but so far, since Sunday I have lost 4 pounds. I know it may change as I get closer to ovulation and my ovaries are jacked up but I am giving this a go for 2 weeks. At the end of two weeks we will see how I am and go from there. The thing I like is if I want to eat something awful for me, like say one day I want popcorn with butter and a soda (the only time I drink soda is popcorn and pizza) then that can be my meal and I eat right the rest of the day.

I heard this woman speak who had lost a lot of weight. She wrote a book after interviewing all these people who had lost over 100 pounds and kept it off and she said that one thing all of them had in common was that when they messed up they started right back at the very next meal. So my plan is sort of tailored around that principal. Besides I know that the bottom line with weight loss is calories in calories out.

Anyhow that is where I am at. Does anyone relate to the eat when bummed about weight and spend when stressed over money thing? How have you learned to get around it and grow through it? Who of you are all or nothing types and how did you learn to live a happy healthy life?

Lastly, I just wanted to say how much it helps me just having this place to vent and get such great support and feedback.

8 om's.:

Mandy said...

Hi Bleu,
I completely relate to the overeating in extremes when stressed. It is something i am currently dealing with...and have done my whole life....
I have taken a break from TTC as we have just moved house....a very stressful experience for me.We are also living in limbo with friends for a few months which i am finding quite daunting....
The last 2 weeks i have gone on an eating frenzy....previously i had managed to eat healthily and do a good amount of exercise and just these past few weeks it's all gone out the window to the mad hungry, frightened demon that lives in me...aaahhh I sigh, the battle with my extremes....
Especially when you are TTC,i was healthy and doing well...now we've decided to have a much needed break and I am indulging in alcohol a bit and smoking a joint every now and then and eating lots of junk food...Things i havn't done for months and years...
The attitude i seem to be taking with myself at the moment is to allow it to be for now....not to give myself a hard time...to realise that it will only last for a while and I will be back on track...
I am feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and that's when it's hard....to allow oneself to be vulnerable...an interesting thought.
Anyway, i really wish you all the best with this next cycle and don't be too hard on yourself with the emotional, hormonal madness.Your son is gorgeous and mostly you have given him so much love...so a few slip ups are normal...
hang in there...
Mandy x

owl said...

i can relate to just about everything in your post. i too am turning into a monster trying to make a sibling for our little girl! I too eat and eat and eat when i worry about food. i spend money when we don't have it.
the food thing i haven't conquered and i don't know if i ever will. I can diet with the best, lose 30kg in 4-5 months and if i smoke i can lose even more. but since my baby was born i can't stop eating and it looks like eating is here to stay. money i fixed by getting rid of credit cards etc. i quickly learnt that when they money is gone its gone and there is nothing left to spend-that made me and my partner change our spending!

I hope your insem this weekend goes fabulously and i am sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes.
as for the other stuff-you seem to have a much better handle on it that me.

aspiring baker said...

I understand completely... hoped to be slimmer before starting IVF, yet here I am above what I want to be my max weight.

I'm one of those people who's kept off weight for years. Weighed around 225 for many years, now am down to 155 (prefer to be around 150; I'm about 5'4" 1/2). I am having a very hard time trying to diet while being on the Pill (for IVF) and generally being very stressed, so I've put on weight. My thoughts:

1. Generally it's considered a bad idea to try TTC while dieting. That might be a good reason to give yourself a break.

2. It's unlikely that being heavier will prevent you from getting pregnant. If that were the case, several of my friends would not have children. Maybe losing weight helped you get pregnant before, but maybe that's just when you got lucky. I understand wanting to be slimmer before you get pregnant, but that may not be practical.

3. Everyone has their own method of losing weight or keeping it off. My approach involved a lot of exercise, watching my carbs, and reducing my portions. There are some foods, like ice cream, that I just can't have in the house. I try to eat vegetables and protein at lunch and dinner. I don't care enough about juices and sodas to drink them, and that's a good way to cut back on calories.

Personally, I'd say the most important thing is to try to get your nutrients from your food, as opposed to a vitamin. If you try that, you'll end up eating pretty healthily.

4. Overall - and this is much easier to write here than to practice myself, let me tell ya, I think it's crucial during this time to treat yourself and your body kindly and with love. Sometimes that means an extra yoga class, sometimes that means an extra donut. The reality is that virtually nothing you eat will have any bearing on whether you get pregnant. I have followed the crazy acupuncture diet, and I have eaten what I wanted, and it hasn't made any difference.

I say, take the time to be kind to yourself, whatever that means to you, and don't be hard on yourself when you have a cookie.

Take care and good luck.

j said...

Yes. I hear this. And as I wait for doom news I just keep eating because, well, I'm on progesterone and also cuz you know, it's a coping mechanism.

Sara said...

I can relate to the stress-eating too. It sounds like you are doing lots of good work to take care of yourself and bliss. Lots of hope for success this time!

amber said...

I could have written your post myself. I'm sure that a lot of us can relate to stress eating and such but the part about being all or nothing, I'm that way 100%! Whether its food or cleaning or smoking or drinking...all or nothing. Unfortunately I don't have any advice on how to find the balance. My life seems to revolve around finding the balance these days. If you find the secret before I do, let me know! ;)

Kendyl said...

Hey there,

Not sure if you know that I stalk you here from time to time, so I'm officially coming out. :-) I couldn't think of a better time for 2 reasons:

(1) I relate 110% to your post. I don't want make this whole comment about me so I'll spare you the details of my own journeys in those areas, and I also know that I can't tell you anything you don't already know. I will tell you that just yesterday, a very good friend of mine offered me the best support phrase I've ever heard. She asked me to please be as patient and kind with myself as I would be with her if our roles were reversed. I am always impressed by the depth of your compassion - be sure to show yourself some too, okay?

(2) I'm insemming this weekend too. :-) We're cycle buddies again! Please, please, please let this be the one for both of us.

*hugs*

lady in waiting said...

Losing 4 lbs already is a great start. I've got that awful, pesky insulin-resistance PCOS problem (just one of the many causes of my IF) and although I am on the thin side as soon as I start cutting carbs I drop weight, even if I'm eating nuts & cheese. It's weird, the same thing just does not work for everyone. You are right on track though, it all comes down to calorie consumption so indulging a little is fine as long as the total calories are capped. You know what, you should try to enjoy yourself a little! Good luck on your insemination :)