I am doing ok.
I am gearing up for an insem this weekend and then next week Bliss and I leave for our trip up the coast.
It has been a pretty up and down week so far. The drugs I am on have been making me go from zero to sixty immediately which has been just crappy when it comes to yelling at the most ridiculous things. My poor son has finally shown some effects of my irrational behavior and has been acting out in all sorts of fun ways. Yesterday we had a really rough day and at bedtime I was furious with him and asked that he lay down quietly on the other side of the bed until I was calmed down.
Well when I was ready to talk he had fallen asleep and I felt so badly. I cried for a long time and then when I later took him to the bathroom before I went to sleep I told him some stuff but I knew he was really groggy. This morning we had a very long talk and then we ran two errands and went to the park. It has been a much better day today and I feel like I am back on track again, but it kills me when I know part of it is truly hormone induced. I am trying to get pregnant to give this creature I love more than life a sibling he so desperately wants and in the shit process that is IF I am a monster to him. It sucks so hard at times.
I am working on really changing things in me though. I am doing more meditative breath work. I am trying to make myself do the small things that ground me. I have a new lead on some work that may pan out really well which would be a boost to all things me. I have also started an eating thing. It isn't a diet of any specific kind. It is making a plan for me.
You see my dear blog world friends I have this problem. I stress badly over 2 things in life mostly (outside of IF). I stress over my finances and I stress over my weight. Other things I worry about but don't get crazy over. My problem is that when I am severely stress over money I buy things and when severely stressed over my weight I eat. It is bass ackwards I know and I truly hate it but it is what I do. I have to come to a place where this is no longer my pattern but it is a struggle to figure out how to. I am a person who has always been an extremist. An all or nothing sort of person. When I go on a diet I do great, I never cheat, because if I do once, it is over. I lost so much weight before and did fantastic, but then when I got pregnant I threw it all out the window. I am also not one to deny myself stuff indefinitely. So I have to figure out how to come up with some plans that just change how I live that I can honestly live with forever.
I found this site called FitDay that is totally free and offers this great daily food diary. It has a way to add foods with all the nutritional info. It also has all these options to do a food journal, or set goals, or mark a calendar. It also lets you add daily activities to see what you are burning. I decided to set up a plan for myself. I decided to make just a couple goals, very simple ones. I made my minimum calorie intake 900 and my maximum 1750. I also had a goal to lose 25 pounds in 2 months. When I was on the diet before I lost 20 a month very easily so I feel this is a realistic goal. My problem is quantity, it always has been. I like to eat large portions of real whole food. I am not so much a junk food person. I am a whole dairy, red meat, homemade pie kind of person.
Anyhow I am following it but I feel like I have a built in safety net to a degree. I try to keep calories at 1500 each day but if I am stressed at it hits 1700 I am still within my goals. I also am not saying I have any foods off limits. So long as I stay within limits anything goes. The other morning I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I had two with coffee. I also ate smart the rest of the day and had a day within the limits I set.
I am not sure how this will go but so far, since Sunday I have lost 4 pounds. I know it may change as I get closer to ovulation and my ovaries are jacked up but I am giving this a go for 2 weeks. At the end of two weeks we will see how I am and go from there. The thing I like is if I want to eat something awful for me, like say one day I want popcorn with butter and a soda (the only time I drink soda is popcorn and pizza) then that can be my meal and I eat right the rest of the day.
I heard this woman speak who had lost a lot of weight. She wrote a book after interviewing all these people who had lost over 100 pounds and kept it off and she said that one thing all of them had in common was that when they messed up they started right back at the very next meal. So my plan is sort of tailored around that principal. Besides I know that the bottom line with weight loss is calories in calories out.
Anyhow that is where I am at. Does anyone relate to the eat when bummed about weight and spend when stressed over money thing? How have you learned to get around it and grow through it? Who of you are all or nothing types and how did you learn to live a happy healthy life?
Lastly, I just wanted to say how much it helps me just having this place to vent and get such great support and feedback.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
I am doing ok.
Posted by bleu at 8:46 PM