huh...

I realized about a week ago that I had passed my one year blogiversary back in October. Strange that I didn't notice. So yay me. Rah.

OK That's done.

I am battling this cold thing sweeping the nation. I lost my voice for 3 days. It wasn't painful but it was exhausting. The effort it took to "push air" to communicate was so draining. Bliss kept asking me to use my normal voice. I had to explain it over and over. Then he got fine with it and my voice changed yet again to some new croaking squealing sound and he told me to use the other sick voice. He is so funny.

Speaking of funny he informed me yesterday he was a "gorgeous punk" (I often call him a punk) and I was an "ordinary punk." I was offended for about 3 minutes, then I asked him if he knew what ordinary meant. He said no. I laughed. He also told me my suggestion to him about a game wasn't the right antidote. I have no idea where he learns these words.

We have spent this week laughing together a lot. The Lupron really is manageable at 5 units. Today I began estrogen patches and Dexamethasone. I am not sure what I am feeling. This is the time of year I stress over money. Well I always stress over it but this is the time of year it is much worse than usual. Add to that the microwave arching and smoking requiring a new one, the house breaker going bad and needing replacing (a lovely $60 Zinsco type), the car DVD player suddenly going bad and needing replacing, and Bliss's Leapster going on the fritz and needing exchanging I am about done with all this bad electronics karma. All but the last cost so much to replace and at such a hard time of year. Between Bliss's birthday, x-mas and my roomies birthday later this week it is a rough time anyways. Now it is downright painful.

I am also stressing about this damn housing market. We will be putting our house up for sale one year from now. This slump has got to end by then or we are in major trouble. I do not want anything to impede the move to Canada and this so could.

Whew. OK so now that is out there. It helps me tremendously to purge this stuff from time to time. I have my biorhythms and meditation to help me relax and writing this out helps as well.

I am still pretty numb about the upcoming FET. I am not sure how much is defense mechanism and how much is residual pain from the failed IVF. I thought I was past it a little further than I obviously am. I still have days where the tears overtake me and says where I am Miss Bitter but for the most part I am doing pretty well considering.

As for diet and exercise I am still off for one more week. I order from a special New York bakery every year for my roomies birthday. She grew up there and I have all her favorites sent. Her b-day is the 5th so I have given myself through the 7th to indulge, then I begin again to be sensible and work out 3 times a week again. I have not been weighing myself since quite frankly I do not want to know.

My first ultrasound this cycle is coming up on the 2nd. I will likely feel a bit better after that.

Happy New Year to all. May this year bring you what you need and may your also find it is exactly what you want.

the new cycle...

Happy Holidays to everyone. Thanks so much for reading, supporting, and being there. It is truly amazing how much it helps to have a place to come and vent and find others who truly understand. It is also saving me the cost of a therapist right now which is an added bonus. I wish for each and every one of you peace in your hearts and peace in your homes and I wish for the world some much needed Peace.

I am bleeding like the Amazon River. It is a good thing since it is cleansing and so much better than the pent up feeling the week before. I began Thursday late afternoon. I began BCP on Friday for 5 days. I start Lupron tomorrow. The FET is scheduled for the 16th. There was some confusion about what my schedule would be and what my Lupron dose would be but it got worked out. I said I was fine with whatever but was confused when we discussed one way and I got emailed a different way. They revised it and it is back to the first way. It is hard because I want it like yesterday, but I don't want to rush things in a way that makes it less than ideal. That is a balancing act I am not sure how to do.

Did any of you do your FET the cycle after your IVF with success? I don't see why it would be a problem but the paranoia sets in no matter what I do.

In other news I have been ready for the Holiday for eons but have yet to wrap stuff. I should wrap as I buy throughout the year but alas I haven't mastered that yet. I went to bed early last night so maybe tonight I will find some time. Today I have been addressing Holiday Cards since we FINALLY took the picture for it and had them printed up.

Have a wonderful weekend and week.

P.S. If anyone knows how to make it so when I post a pic it isn't transparent I would greatly appreciate it.

a new plan..

I have been doing ok, not crying too much and eating homemade mac n cheese until I am numb. Until today. I had emailed the doc after talking to his wife (the nurse) and going over all my wishes and questions about doing the FET. I emailed him Friday and hadn't heard back yet. I called today and left a message and finally he called me this evening. This is unusual, he always writes me back fast. Well he had been looking for my email all weekend and had never gotten it. I re-sent it as we spoke and he got it and went over it.

We talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I love this man, truly. He is so kind and thoughtful and thorough. We went over my every fear and my every question. We discussed two different types of natural FET cycles. He discussed success rates and medical studies. We went over how the schedule would go and what could come up as a problem. If I was to do the natural FET that was in my head, ovulating on my own then timing the FET the only possible hindrance would be if my cycle wasn't "regular."

I then asked about what the schedule would be on the medicated FET and what meds and amounts. I realized that the one time your cycle isn't "normal" is when you need it to be. I also realized I am not in a place to handle a cancelled FET due to a weird cycle.

I also discussed my feeling of being "broken." Not from an emotional standpoint, although that is certainly a factor right now, but from a scientific standpoint. I have been pregnant three times. I have a child. Now I cannot get pregnant. What is wrong with my body that wasn't before? I know age plays a role but I just cannot seem to accept that for myself.

I also discussed the diet and how it has been out the window. I worry now I will stress about staying on it. I have no PCOS and no diabetes in my family but the insulin stuff can affect things. We decided to put me on Metformin as well this cycle which takes some pressure off.

So I stop the progesterone now and begin BCP the day I start menses. I will be on it for only 5 days and start Lupron on day 4. I am only going to be on 5 units of the Lupron which is very good news since how acted on 10 units last time. After that I will start Vivelle patches for almost 2 weeks and then begin PIO for 5 days until the transfer. I will be getting my exact schedule in the next day or so and will post more when I have it.

I am glad to be back to having a plan. I will also be transferring all that make the thaw, potentially 3, and they will be hatched as well.

I ran errands today and in the aisle at the grocery store I stood there as three pregnant women came to get things on the same shelf I was at, one after another. I felt like I was being bombed. I am so ultra sensitive right now. I am walking on eggshells with my self which is ridiculous.

The emotions are so layered. I am ok on the surface much of the time with this sadness just below. Deeper I am layer upon layer of fear and devastation that comes gushing to the surface like a geyser but not at any regular intervals. I feel beaten by myself, my body, my dreams and hopes. And then when I feel like I cannot breathe from the pain and will surely suffocate, it goes back deep down and I am pretty ok again.

So now I wait to bleed.

7dp5dt (beta day)...

HCG<1

I spent the last two days crying pretty much non-stop. I am still crying today but not as much. Having a test of less than one means they never even implanted even a little. I will be doing an FET, hopefully natural except for estrogen and progesterone. I also want to do it next cycle so if I stay on the PIO a few more nights I can hopefully push my cycle back a bit so I will be ovulating the first week of January instead of the last week of December. We shall see if it works. I currently have a heating pad glued to my ass to keep the pain down, I am about to add Margarita's to the mix and it should improve even more.

So I had been doing fine with the PIO shots. I was able to use the 25 g needle which helped and it had been fine. I have lumps in my hips but the pain has been minimal. If I press down on the area it is a bit sore but otherwise OK. I alternated sides each night and had my calendar marked which side to do so I would not forget.

Last night I did my right side, no problems. This morning I woke up crippled on my left side. The lumps seem to have congealed together in the night somehow and I cannot manage to walk without this strange limp/hitch in my get-up thing. I am in a LOT of pain and it makes no sense. I used a heated rice bag this morning but it still is just killing me.

I would say that I am lucky then that my HCG came back <1 and I can stop the shots but even that isn't happening.

6dp5dt...

After another negative hpt I am feeling pretty down. Staring at that whiter than white half of the test all I feel is this fear and anger bubbling up. Yesterday I spent the entire morning crying and mourning for our Sarah and today I am just bitter. I am angry at all the cliche things to be angry at. I am angry that I anguish over the caffeine in some chocolate I ate and it's possible effects on me getting pregnant while another junkie gets knocked up with her 4th kid. I am angry at all of my friends who have 2 or more children which is entirely unfair and awful of me. I am angry that desire means jack shit in this IF world. I am angry that I am too fat to get pregnant and even when I went through hell and lost the weight and got pregnant I lost the baby. I am angry that financially it is an awful time to keep trying but I have to because of my age and the fact that we are moving in 13 months. I am angry that I cannot give my son the thing he wants and needs most beyond my love. I am angry at how I look at my body now, after so many years learning to rejoice in it and love it flaws and all, but this flaw I cannot seem to forgive. I am angry that I get to feel pregnant through this wait, that I know well what feeling pregnant is like as I have been pregnant three times, but I also know that this feeling doesn't mean shit.

My beta is tomorrow. I will go early and wait patiently but I have little hope.

4dp5dt...

I am doing ok. I have been taking it easy. Even when I went to get groceries I let the bagger take the bags out to the truck and my roomie take them in the house. I even asked someone in a parking lot to put up my tailgate (it's big and heavy) for me, which is not easy for me. I am very strong, truly, in an uncanny way. When I was in grad school I bought my first fridge and I carried it on my back from my truck to my apartment. So explaining to others I cannot lift anything over 10 pounds is strange, but I am happy to do so for the cause.

As for how I feel it is useless to get to much into it. I am on tons or progesterone and estrogen and I know they give all the symptoms I have. My boobs hurt and are full, my womb feels heavy, and I have cramps on and off throughout the day. All things I have felt when pregnant, and when not.

I am still starving all the time but I refuse to stress over it. If I told you what I ate for breakfast today you would think me truly a whale.

I will likely POAS early, maybe tomorrow but I am not sure. Friday is still beta day #1.

I get a little freaked out about what I will do with either outcome potential. I know I can do an FET next and even another IVF after of this doesn't happen. I also know it will hurt like hell. If it does happen my biggest goal is to really try and enjoy every minute I remain pregnant. Having had 2 m/c's after heartbeat was seen sucks so much for feeling good at all in the first trimester and I really want to try and change how I deal with that and try and focus on enjoying every moment. Much easier said than done. But I only hope I get to have that struggle.

Peace.

1dp5dt...

I have spent the day watching movies and eating and drinking pom and soda water.
I am a bit crampy but not bad at all.
I went to bed last night at 8pm which was great.
I got the call from the embryologist this afternoon. The last one didn't make it. So I have three embryos frozen. One grade 1, one grade 2, and one grade 3.
I will take that and try to remain very positive.
I will spend tomorrow in bed as well and then take it easy the rest the week.
I would like to get a hold on this ravenous hunger thing as well.

transfer...

I am home from the transfer and the acu.
5 made it to blast and another is getting another day.
We transferred 2 grade 2 blasts that looked great with little to no fragmentation.
The doc and embryologist felt transferring 3 was too big a triplet risk with me.
Bliss was brought in for the transfer and held my hand and right when the plunger was pushed, unbeknown to him., he bent down and kissed my hand. I almost cried and it was magic.

I am laying down and watching movies.

wow...

I just got the call. I am being moved to a day 5 transfer. Two of the three others caught up and I have 7 going to blast, or trying at least. I am pretty surprised but also excited and then also feeling like damn!, now I have to make it through two more days.

random utterings...

"I would rather eat a cup than blow up a balloon by myself and be afraid of the dark."

Bliss age 5

fertilization report...

I just got the call. Of the 11, five have fertilized normal, three are on the wait and see list and three were abnormal. The interesting thing was the three abnormal were all extra sperm entering the egg. So I have 5 so far and a possible 3 more.

I am ok with this. I am not gonna lie I would have liked all 11 to fertilize but this is still good.

Now I wait until Wednesday to see if I will be having my transfer at 9:30am on that day or if it will be pushed back to Friday. I am pretty sure it will be Wednesday.

ER done...

I just got home from the ER. They got 11 eggs and the doctor was very pleased. I feel good and am happy to say I did not get queasy which usually happens.
Diet plan pretty much out the window today. I HATE that an IHOP is right next door to the clinic.
I will get the fertilization report tomorrow and then Wed. I will know if ET is then or Friday.

p.s. I thought with the IVF finally commencing it was time for a new template and that the dandelion fit with my big wish right now.

p.p.s. Thanks to this video I have also given my first PIO shot completely painlessly with a 25g needle. YAHOO!!