a new plan..

I have been doing ok, not crying too much and eating homemade mac n cheese until I am numb. Until today. I had emailed the doc after talking to his wife (the nurse) and going over all my wishes and questions about doing the FET. I emailed him Friday and hadn't heard back yet. I called today and left a message and finally he called me this evening. This is unusual, he always writes me back fast. Well he had been looking for my email all weekend and had never gotten it. I re-sent it as we spoke and he got it and went over it.

We talked on the phone tonight for an hour and a half. I love this man, truly. He is so kind and thoughtful and thorough. We went over my every fear and my every question. We discussed two different types of natural FET cycles. He discussed success rates and medical studies. We went over how the schedule would go and what could come up as a problem. If I was to do the natural FET that was in my head, ovulating on my own then timing the FET the only possible hindrance would be if my cycle wasn't "regular."

I then asked about what the schedule would be on the medicated FET and what meds and amounts. I realized that the one time your cycle isn't "normal" is when you need it to be. I also realized I am not in a place to handle a cancelled FET due to a weird cycle.

I also discussed my feeling of being "broken." Not from an emotional standpoint, although that is certainly a factor right now, but from a scientific standpoint. I have been pregnant three times. I have a child. Now I cannot get pregnant. What is wrong with my body that wasn't before? I know age plays a role but I just cannot seem to accept that for myself.

I also discussed the diet and how it has been out the window. I worry now I will stress about staying on it. I have no PCOS and no diabetes in my family but the insulin stuff can affect things. We decided to put me on Metformin as well this cycle which takes some pressure off.

So I stop the progesterone now and begin BCP the day I start menses. I will be on it for only 5 days and start Lupron on day 4. I am only going to be on 5 units of the Lupron which is very good news since how acted on 10 units last time. After that I will start Vivelle patches for almost 2 weeks and then begin PIO for 5 days until the transfer. I will be getting my exact schedule in the next day or so and will post more when I have it.

I am glad to be back to having a plan. I will also be transferring all that make the thaw, potentially 3, and they will be hatched as well.

I ran errands today and in the aisle at the grocery store I stood there as three pregnant women came to get things on the same shelf I was at, one after another. I felt like I was being bombed. I am so ultra sensitive right now. I am walking on eggshells with my self which is ridiculous.

The emotions are so layered. I am ok on the surface much of the time with this sadness just below. Deeper I am layer upon layer of fear and devastation that comes gushing to the surface like a geyser but not at any regular intervals. I feel beaten by myself, my body, my dreams and hopes. And then when I feel like I cannot breathe from the pain and will surely suffocate, it goes back deep down and I am pretty ok again.

So now I wait to bleed.