6dp5dt...

After another negative hpt I am feeling pretty down. Staring at that whiter than white half of the test all I feel is this fear and anger bubbling up. Yesterday I spent the entire morning crying and mourning for our Sarah and today I am just bitter. I am angry at all the cliche things to be angry at. I am angry that I anguish over the caffeine in some chocolate I ate and it's possible effects on me getting pregnant while another junkie gets knocked up with her 4th kid. I am angry at all of my friends who have 2 or more children which is entirely unfair and awful of me. I am angry that desire means jack shit in this IF world. I am angry that I am too fat to get pregnant and even when I went through hell and lost the weight and got pregnant I lost the baby. I am angry that financially it is an awful time to keep trying but I have to because of my age and the fact that we are moving in 13 months. I am angry that I cannot give my son the thing he wants and needs most beyond my love. I am angry at how I look at my body now, after so many years learning to rejoice in it and love it flaws and all, but this flaw I cannot seem to forgive. I am angry that I get to feel pregnant through this wait, that I know well what feeling pregnant is like as I have been pregnant three times, but I also know that this feeling doesn't mean shit.

My beta is tomorrow. I will go early and wait patiently but I have little hope.