mourning...

I don't really know where to start so bear with me.
I was reflecting on Bri's pain being especially acute this year on the anniversary of her mothers passing on March 17. This being her child's first year it stands to reason it would bring up a lot. I also remembered that Rosie O'Donnell's mother passed on her birthday which is also March 17. I was overcome with grief and began to cry in earnest. I started to ask myself why.

The thing is, my mother is very much alive in good health as far as I know. But I have not seen nor spoken to her in over 10 years. I was disowned when my father found out I was gay, my mother already knew. I have the only grandchild. I send pictures etc. I have even gotten an e-card twice that said nothing personal but was sent. Calls are not tolerated. I speak with my aunt, her sister, but even that is hard for me at times because all the the family has accepted it or chosen to ignore it in some way. I could never, ever do this to my child.

I was raised in a very abusive household. I doubt I would see my father even if he wanted to as a result. But my mother, it is so complicated. She abused too, she allowed a ton of abuse, bigotry, racism, and other atrocities to go on in our home. She was complicit. As I get older, as I parent longer I excuse less. I forgive less I guess. I see her more clearly in a way I suppose.

But the thing is, the kicker, is that I am left in a perpetual state of mourning someone who is there. It is so difficult for me. It guts me when Bliss asks why he can't see his grandma. It kills me when I cannot show my son pictures of me growing up. It kills me that I have lost my mother, even though she is there, and it never gets closure.

I imagine it feels somewhat similar, some fraction of the continuous pain Bri and Rosie must feel.

It hurts.