trudging along...

I am doing a bit better. Thanks so much for all the kind encouragement. It got dark for a bit. I am just not feeling ok still. I get cramps on and off and spot here and there. Yesterday I passed so clotty-ish stuff again. I also am just either bitchy or crying or overreacting it seems. Roomie picked up the wrong potato salad the other day and you would have thought she lost my dog. It is just ridiculous.

I do have a plan for getting better in my head. I am not really in the mood to go into it but I can at least envision getting better which is positive.

In other news I am planning on making a nice Irish meal for St. Patty's day this weekend. I decided to do the corned beef and cabbage meal on Sunday and then do Reuben Sandwiches on Monday this year. I love me a good sandwich. I am also looking forward to the Irish Soda Bread from Whole Foods. It is so incredible and you can only get it once a year. I have made my own but theirs is so amazing. I am not sure I have ever mentioned it, but I am mostly Irish in all of my "mutt-ness" and I always feel obligated to celebrate this day at least cooking the traditional foods. I also feel as if I must have at least one drink as well. I am MORE than fine with that this year with what's going on. I just cannot really do the traditional Irish drink. I cannot handle Whiskey or Beer. I somehow doubt I would like Mead or Poitin (can anyone tell I was looking up Irish drinks yesterday?). I will likely either have a pear cider, which I do enjoy, or I will stick with my usual Margarita or Champagne.

I think it is pretty obvious I am looking for distractions and this is one. I have also taken half a mg of Ativan the last three nights before bed to try and get to sleep early so as not to spend the night crying and awake. I find it interesting I am crying more now than when I found out. I am still trying to let the emotions come and flow through, but I cannot keep up the staying up half the night thing and expect to do ok during the day. It has helped a bit. I really think the HCG not being at zero yet has messed with me the most. It is like it has postponed me being able to move on and that has really fucked with my psyche.

I am really hoping as soon as I zero out I will truly have a fresh outlook on all of this, or at least be able to focus on the next cycle.