I want...

I am a wreck.
I know I should be thrilled I am pregnant.
I know I am sooo lucky and fortunate.
I have one amazing child and am pregnant, finally, with another.
I am not happy.
I am terrified.
I am so worried this pregnancy will suddenly end.
I want my boobs to hurt.
Why won't my boobs hurt.
They hurt with Bliss, early on.
They hurt 2 cycles ago, they even engorged.
The nipples hurt this cycle the day after O.
Then they stopped by 10 days past O.
I want them to hurt.
I want to vomit.
I want to do something definitive to make me feel assured.
I know there are none, assurances.
But I am so terribly worried.
I decided after talking with a pregnant friend to wait to take the next beta hcg.
She said why not wait until Tuesday and then get an even higher number.
Since I can't get the results until Tuesday at earliest it made sense.
I may have to wait until Wednesday for results, but it seems worth it.
But I want to know I am ok today.
I want to be able to breathe.
I want this baby soooooo badly.

finally.........

I finally got my beta results.





32





I know it is within normals range for 12dpo.
I know the doubling rate is most important.
I am getting the second done at 48 hours.
I won't get the results until Tuesday.
It will be a long weekend.
I am still worried.
I am very lucky too.
Please send good doubling rates ju-ju my way.

happy and irritated...

So I got my pregnancy confirmed.

I did not, however, get a beta number.

Why you ask? Well BOTH docs who said they would order a quantitative blood test for me chose to instead order a qualitative. Can you tell how happy I am?

One doc has since ordered a quantitative, but only one, he informed me he could not medically justify a second.

I will get my second. I can be crafty when I need to be. I won't say how I will do it, but just you wait, I will get it.

I will go right now for the first one and go Saturday for the second. I should hear about the first tomorrow, but I will have to wait until Tuesday for the second.

Once again pregnancy will be teaching me how NOT in control I am.

I am thrilled at the opportunity to learn.




(I bought this ornament last year in an after X-mas sale. I was hoping I would get to use it. I thought I would be towards the end of my pregnancy this x-mas. I put it up on the tree the day after O. I am so lucky I am getting to use it.)

holding my breath...

I wasn't going to test this morning.

Then after an hour of going back and forth laying in the dark in bed, tormented, I decided to test. I then found out, to my horror, I was out of tests. Apparently last month, with the false positives and the super long cycle, I had used all the rest of the digitals I got for this month.

After last months false positives I decided I would only do a digital test. I also decided I would wait longer than I ever have, 11/12 dpici. I went out and bought a box of three and came home and squeezed out an ounce and tested. I was sure it would be negative and just as I was trying to cover the results window so I couldn't see it I saw this.

I immediately went for a blood test. I am waiting for the results, they should be in by 2:30 or so.

Think positive numbers please.

I am terrified.

UPDATED: It is now 4:30 and the lab is still showing "in process." I am beyond annoyed. It is also a half hour until my doc's office closes so if it doesn't get posted in the next 30 minutes I have to wait until tomorrow. I gave the blood by 8am for Goddess's sake!!!!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

that face

This is the face I see everyday (this is actually also my current wallpaper on both my computers).
I would do anything for that face.
I am amazed each and everyday that I am lucky enough to be that faces mother.
I am his mama.
I still, even after 4 years, find my breath taken away daily by that face.
I still literally pinch myself at times when looking at that face.
I am glancing over at that face sleeping now as I type this post.
I am holding my lower leg against that faces lower leg so he feels me and sleeps more soundly.
I would have loved any face but I got that one and it amazes me.
It makes life worth every moment.
It makes me love myself more than I ever thought I would.
It makes me a better person and it is the hardest most terrifying thing I have or will ever do (and trust me, with the life I have had, that is saying something).
I want to give that face everything he needs, everything he wants, and everything he deserves.
I also want to give that face a sibling.
I want to give that face another face so that I do not smother that perfect beautiful face beyond what is best for him.
I am trying.
I am in the 2ww.

Happy Holidays!

I hope each every person who reads this has a wonderful serene holiday season.

I wish for you all peace.
Peace in your hearts.
Peace in your home.
Peace in your world.

going with the flow

Ok, I know that to be the corniest title ever but it made me chuckle so it is staying.

After a longer cycle than ever in my history of cycles (31 days, usually 24-26) I finally began bleeding. THANK YOU GODDESS!!!!!!

I was not in a good space. I do not do great with any "limbo" like situations. This is actually an understatement. I suck ass at limbo situations. I always have. I have a history of favoring a bad outcome to an unknown one and it wasn't pretty. I no longer am "that" bad with limbo and I am working on it. I recognize that it will keep coming up until I get better with it. It does, however, makes life unbearable at times.

So I kept getting bfn's and kept not bleeding, not even a spot. After a couple days my mind just takes off with it. I decide there is a giant cyst, that needs surgical removal and I won't know it is there because my OB isn't doing ultrasounds. This will lead to wasted inseminations and wasted money I don't have and all will be for naught. Basically just a tiny window into my brain in limbo, tiny.

I am better now, bleeding very heavily but not golf ball clots like last month. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that two cycles ago I had a chemical. My breasts engorged for Buddha's sake! My period was tons of huge clots. It just seems like that is what happened, but I digress. I am better now, and began another round of Clomid last night.

So the Clomid, I do not have many side effects while taking it. I take it before bed though, and no matter what time I go to bed I wake up at 3:30. This is my 6th pill I have taken and for every pill there has been a 3:30 wake up call. I do not know why. I don't wake up hot, warm but nicely so. I wake up to pee. Plain and simple Clomid makes me pee at 3:30 am. Once I am done taking the Clomid it no longer happens. Strange huh?

As for side effects later in the cycle, that is a different story. I seem to go through some definite stuff starting at 7 dpo. I get rather grumpy necessitating me to yell any and all forms of communication. Really pretty I can tell you. I am determined to be different this cycle.

So on with the flow, going with the flow, I am just trying to be present and take things a day at a time. I picked a new donor and a new bank. I will be ordering this week and hopefully the upcoming 2ww will be better than the last one.

I will not, I repeat NOT NOT NOT NOT be using any blue dye hpt's. In fact the only ones I will be using will likely be digital. I may breakdown and get a few $ Tree ones, but only because I know they have evap lines, but never false colored lines.

Today I am going to chop down a x-mas tree. Well, use my cordless reciprocating saw but still we are going to a tree farm and Bliss gets to pick.

Happy Day!!!!!