I want...

I am a wreck.
I know I should be thrilled I am pregnant.
I know I am sooo lucky and fortunate.
I have one amazing child and am pregnant, finally, with another.
I am not happy.
I am terrified.
I am so worried this pregnancy will suddenly end.
I want my boobs to hurt.
Why won't my boobs hurt.
They hurt with Bliss, early on.
They hurt 2 cycles ago, they even engorged.
The nipples hurt this cycle the day after O.
Then they stopped by 10 days past O.
I want them to hurt.
I want to vomit.
I want to do something definitive to make me feel assured.
I know there are none, assurances.
But I am so terribly worried.
I decided after talking with a pregnant friend to wait to take the next beta hcg.
She said why not wait until Tuesday and then get an even higher number.
Since I can't get the results until Tuesday at earliest it made sense.
I may have to wait until Wednesday for results, but it seems worth it.
But I want to know I am ok today.
I want to be able to breathe.
I want this baby soooooo badly.