Wednesday, March 21, 2007

trying to get this out...

I have a LOT of anxiety as inseminating draws nearer. I am anxious about just trying again as it brings the miscarriage up in my mind and makes it feel more recent and raw. I am anxious about trying and not getting pregnant the first try, or for multiple tries. I am ALSO anxious about getting pregnant the first try or within the first 1-2 tries. I am anxious about being pregnant again and not getting pregnant, again, and it is FUCKED!!!!!!!!!

I HATE that all I seem to want to do is fixate with either shopping or eating yummy but fattening comfort foods.

I HATE that I can't seem to do even a half hour on the treadmill, and it is something I truly enjoy.

I HATE that I have gained back to much of the weight I worked so very hard to lose and for the first time in my life have become a yo-yo dieter.

I HATE that I feel like any possible joy I could have about getting pregnant has been forever taken from me.

I HATE that I feel dread at thinking about my first trimester of pregnancy.


If and when (note the positive thinking on my part) I get pregnant again, how do I even begin to go through the first trimester. It is all shit. I feel like the whole thing is blown before it even gets here. Sheer misery during what should be a joyous time. This recent pregnancy was plagued by so much fear, especially at the start. I had few happy moments and spent most of the time feeling like I was holding my breath. I thought I did well to boot. I had real happy moments, and moments of feeling so lucky and like all was well and would be.

This recent pregnancy was over 5 years since my last miscarriage. Now I am trying again after only one full cycle, and after knowing even with progesterone things can go horribly wrong. Now how am I to find comfort, peace, sleep, breath? It is such a crock. I can say I will do the meditation cd's again, and the guided imagery. I will try and stay busy. I will work on my beliefs that the Universe has a plan for me, that the Goddess knows what she is doing. Try working on my flailing Buddhist studies and not grasp so desperately to all that desire.

BULLSHIT.

There is no way around it, and I am pissed. I feel cheated before I am even there again, but please don't mistake me, I so desperately want to be there again. I want to be terrified and miserable, and having nightmares. I want it all because it will mean I am pregnant and there is the possibility, the hope, that it will stick and grow OK and I will end up with a baby.

But I am so lost as to how to get through that first trimester if not longer.

All of these thoughts have been keeping me up nights. They have been causing me to feel anxious and snappish and frustrated. I feel off balance and frankly do not really know how to deal with it.

But I am trying, and my first step was writing it out here.

3 om's.:

Sara said...

I'm glad you are able to use this forum for self-healing. That is the first step. Hang in there, acknowledge your feelings, allow yourself to feel the pain and fear, and then work to move forward as that is best for you, Bliss and the babe to be.

Erin said...

Hello,

You posted on my blog today and I had to find your blog and say thank you. Thank you so much for your love and your support. While we are strangers, that does not matter at all. We are are bonded by motherhood. My dear I will be thinking of you and sending you back love and hope. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel because I don't. But, we both have had recent loss in our lives....and I wanted to share with you some words and thoughts that I have been holding onto. A friend of mine shared with me something the Dalai Lama said to a family member of hers after she miscarried: "Beings are only in this world to work out their Karma." This is something that I replay in my mind all day and night and it has been helping more and more. Something else that someone commented to me about Birdie is:

"she was so beautiful and perfect that maybe in this life all she had to do was develop and be born to reach enlightenment."

I wish you so much love and support.

Erin

Demeter said...

I know how you feel, all I can say is that when I used to feel that way (and it seemed like forever) what I would say to myself was: "I am in control of myself, but the rest is out there in the Universe and let go", let the weight be carried by other forces, they will be there for you! Hope you are feeling better!