Thursday, March 26, 2009

what to do with it...

What do you do with it.
You get raised by weak people who abuse you and teach you how terribly you deserve to be treated.
You grow up fucked up and abusing yourself when you don't find someone else to do it for you.
You get better and then worse and then better and then worse until finally, after many years, you heal bit by bit and get better, get a life of your own.
You grow and find direction, find yourself, but still try to live with them and find a way.
Then they get to know the real you, or hear about it and you get disowned.
You spin again, along with finding you you make some huge regressions thinking you are back at square one.
But you aren't.
You have some big bumps ahead but the path you are on is headed the right way.
You stray away but seem to find your way back a tiny bit easier now.
You do it as an orphan the whole time but you do it.
You hold on to anger at times, you hold grief closely at others.
Always aware of the abandonment, always tinted a little by it.
You grow more and more, you begin your own family, not sure you think you deserve it but you go for it.
You go through devastation and sink low but you come back and are soooo very lucky and blessed.
You know unconditional love for the first time ever flowing both ways.
You feel their absence at time early on that aches deeply.
Then you have revelations and you get angry.
You stop excusing their weakness and re-parent your own little child within.
You love yourself in new beautiful ways.
You love opposite as they did.
You cherish, you nurture, you do not abuse, anyone, nor let anyone abuse you, even yourself anymore.
You grow, you flourish in so many ways, you feel glimpses of content more and more.
Then the acute awareness of your orphanhood hits you and you know you must not leave your gift that world.
So you begin to try for another gift, to be lucky again.
Then it doesn't happen and their is more loss.
And more loss.
And you question yourself and live in anticipated moments not really living for so long.
But you don't think of them much, just in what you want to leave for your own gift.
Just of the love you feel and want to give and teach.
And finally after a very long and very hard road you get lucky again and you begin living again.
And breathing again at last.
But what do you do with the feelings towards them?
I do not forgive, they had no excuse.
But can I say their is no feelings there?
No I cannot.
So what to do with those complicated, not too pretty feelings?
I do not notice them often but they are there, and sometimes, like long nights after even longer days they almost choke me for a few moments.
Rage, grief, fear, hate, love, sadness, loss, pity, disgust, resentment, wistfulness, pain.
They are melded into one amalgam of sensation I do not no what to do with.

Do you?

16 om's.:

annacyclopedia said...

I don't know what to do, Bleu, but I am saying lovingkindness for you with great fervour.

May you be happy and peaceful.
May you be healthy and well.
May you be safe from inner and outer danger.
May you live with ease in this world.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear sister-friend. Always.

battynurse said...

I don't know what to do either. Thinking of you. Hugs to you.

MaverickMama said...

In my path I've tried to just set my story down. I've just tried to not cling too tightly to my past, and embrace what is real today. At some point I can't resolve what happened in the past. It's just to much for my brain. And so I just set it all down and walked away. Sometimes of course I come back to the painful pile o' sh*( but I don't stay long. I'm moving onward.

Peace to you.
MM

Peeveme said...

Those feeling are of no consequence to you right now. Yes, those experiences shaped you...yes you were robbed...but you are a new person...you have a new life...you are creating new lives...

You are much more than those feelings and experiences. Let them go with a hardy Fuck you! I have moved on.

That's what I would do but I'm a salty ol' broad.

Hugs, my dear. If it's of any comfort I think you are amazing and I marvel at the strength of your soul.

Pepper said...

I wish I was wise and full of sage wisdom that would help you right now. The only thing I can offer is the knowledge that without the past, you wouldn't be where you are today. And you are in a beautiful place right now, my friend.

Wishing you much peace and serenity.

treewater said...

The answer to that question is like the secret to life - I completely identify with your struggle to find a place to put that stuff... The hardest part for me is always the seemingly huge space between me and them/now and then, but the space sometimes suddenly contracts and it is like the two sides crash together which is sometimes harder and more shocking than living in it. If I come up with a solution I will I will gladly share. I wish you continued success in blazing your own trail!

Neenie said...

You celebrate those complicated, not too pretty thoughts. These thoughts are reminders (although not always friendly and welcome ones) of what an amazing person you are. How all those instances and events have made your legs stone and solid enough to hold you tall and your little boy and baby to be tall and proud. No- you don't ever have to forgive some things or some people. You can reflect on them and thank them for making you so fucking amazing and such a strong woman. But the hurt makes you human. You are th ehead of your own growing and beautiful family and you know And many wouldn't know what right is, unless they'ev experienced the wrong.

No one fucks with Bleu....NO ONE :)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

From Here To Maternity said...

I don't know what to do either, except look at them like flawed humans, I take out the parent part because to think of them like that causes me pain. They are what they are, they can not and will not change, and I must do my best to heal and not pass on their legacy to my daughter.

Susanna said...

hmmmm...

I think you've already done it.

MrsSpock said...

What to do with those feelings, I don't proclaim to know. But you are raising two children who will never know such feelings, and that is a wonderful thing.

averyopenbook said...

I have been raised by selfish abusive people. Talking about your pain (or in this case writing) is a great first step. Living an authentic life is empowering. What I mean by authentic is honest, true to you and with 20 20 vision so you can see what is real today and not what your childhood reality was. Also rituals’ are good. Maybe stuffing all of the lingering feelings that cause you pain into a bag and literally throwing them into the Atlantic Ocean.
I wish you love, peace and bliss!
Judy

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think the hardest part is that you can only control how you react--not how they act. And therefore, even if you want peace, you can't build it with them unless they meet you halfway there. No good ideas, except that I'm sending hugs and strawberries from across the states.

Dora said...

I don't know either. I have to admit, it's the one thing that worries me about having a child. My family isn't "bad enough" to cut out of my life and my child's life, but, man, am I expecting the buttons to get pushed HARD!

Lori said...

Feel and release. Feel and release. Feel and release.

And fill with love for your children.

I'm told that if you can thoroughly love just one person, you can love all of humanity.

Make that person yourself.

Sophie said...

I don't know what to do either. I want to walk away but it's hard. I hold them at a distance now.

I like what "From Here To Maternity" said.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Thank you for your comments on my blog. I think I'm starting to get answers.
I wanted to tell you that I'm currently reading One Drop, by Bliss Broyard. That's probably neither here nor there, other than your son has the same name. And, it is a good book.