boggled...

So I am gearing up for finally being able to get on with try # 13 sometime next week. This month off because I missed my O was a bummer but ok. I had a nice morning, had finished a nice breakfast and went to the bathroom and guess who showed up. I am bleeding. This means I had a 21 day cycle. WTF??? I guess it is a good thing I missed O because I doubt anything could have matured in that short a cycle but I am so confused. Has anyone had a really short cycle after stopping clomid for a month? I have searched but found nothing on that on Dr. G. SO assuming this isn't spotting, which it doesn't seem like, I am on cd 1.

for bliss...

beauty...

anatomy of a bruise...

In other news I fell trying to avoid stepping on Bliss while getting in the bath. I landed on the shower door metal guide and have the worst bruise I have ever had in my life.

The first is a couple hours after then the next is this morning and then this afternoon.

ouch!

:::Updated::: to add another pic from two days later.

out.......

First time ever I have missed a cycle. I am really irked but I will live.
I ordered a tank on Ebay and will pay out the nose to have it shipped ASAP.
I am also going to order 6 vials next month and keep them here.

shit!

cd 12...

I am confused right now. I began opk's on cd 9, there was a line but not equal to or darker than. So on cd 10 it was darker than the day before. I was not sure it was equal yet but it was close. I was a bit miffed because the tank wouldn't arrive until Friday. That night it was about the same. Yesterday it seemed to be lighter both times, just great. This morning it was almost completely gone. I have had O on cd 13 or 14 always, on Clomid it would sometimes be cd 15. Long before Clomid I never had one earlier than cd 13 but this month is a break month, the drug has been stopped. That could have messed with my cycle I know so I am just unsure. I have had no EWCM or other signs. I do not temp. SO the tank came this afternoon. I did another test and it seemed a bit darker than this morning but still very faint. It could be from the whole after 2pm better for LH thing, or it could be that I will get darker and darker until a real surge in a day or two. I have no real way of knowing but of course this is the month I only got one vial. I will not waste it on today as I really do not feel I am about to or have just O'd.

If I do not get a surge and it HAS passed then I have a vial that I cannot send back. I also do not have my own tank or a place locally that would take it. I may try and buy my own tank on Ebay if I have to and just get it refilled when needed but that is so costly. I know I could then order a big amount of vials and keep them here and no longer have to worry about timing or paying those high shipping fees but I just am not sure. It seems like so much to think about today.

In the meantime I think I will make a homemade cherry pie.

cd 8...

Some things of note.

We went to Canada and got our visas signed. We now have permanent residency and can move anytime. I am very happy about this. We had a great, but long day when we went.

I am off Clomid this month and starting yesterday I have had no appetite. It is so strange. I am not sure what it is from and if it is related but it is very opposite of the norm for me. I am not complaining.

I have this deep fear I have been battling this week. I am terrified I am to fat to get pregnant. It stems from tons of stuff, but mainly from the fact that I got pregnant when I lost the weight, then I gained it all back while pregnant and now it is still on and I am still not pregnant again. I ovulate fine, my blood sugars are very normal and I do not have PCOS but it is a fear of mine. Some nights I wake up crying from worrying about it in my sleep. It sucks.

cd 1 ...

So it begins again. Another cycle. Cycle 13 to be exact. I like the number, always have, but sheesh.

I spent the day at the water park. Bliss and I had a lot of fun. I got new clothes last week, it has actually made a big difference. I am still feeling like a lard ass but having some clothes that look decent has made me feel more human. I have taken 5 minutes to primp before leaving the house. It has been ages since I did that. I have also been forcing myself to go out more. Hence the water park. We got a pass and this was our second trip in as many weeks.

Wednesday we go up to Vancouver, Canada for the day and get our visas signed. We will visit the Aquarium there and sight see for the day before taking a late flight back home.

I only ordered one vial for this month, the cost has just been so huge and with the shipping as well I just couldn't do two. I had Bliss with one vial as well as the pregnancy before him so I am not too stressed about that. I am also looking forward to a Clomid-free month.

I had a talk with Soul the other night. I asked her/him to please come sooner rather than later, to meet her/his brother and allow me to be her/his mother. I told her/him it really meant a lot to me. I felt connected much more than ever before.

I am trying to be positive.

I still cry a lot though.

But I am making the effort, doing the work.

I hope this will be my month.

cut, the film...

NEW FILM out...here's the info...must RSVP


What: FILM - Cut: Slicing through the myths of Circumcision

Why: The Director, Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon and producer, Pennie
Ungar-Sargon will be in NY
and will show the film.

When: Monday, July 9th, 2007 6:45 p.m.

Film: 70 minutes Discussion: One to two hours

Location: Realbirth - 54 West 22nd Street, NYC 10010, 2nd floor
between 5th and 6th Ave. tel.
212.367.9006


Info: www.cutthefilm.

com <http://www.cutthefilm.com/>

Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon: Writer, Director, Cinematographer, Editor, and
Narrator
Pennie Ungar-Sargon: Producer

Cut is a new documentary film by Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon which examines the
subject of male circumcision from a religious, scientific and ethical
perspective. Using cutting-edge research, in addition to interview
footage of rabbis, philosophers, and scientists, Cut challenges the
viewer to confront their biases by asking difficult questions about this
long-standing practice.

11 dpo...

Negative HPT. I am pretty down.

I saw my doc on Monday. She said my Clomid Challenge was great, and was pleased. She said she thinks I should continue on the Clomid for a while longer. I spoke to her about taking DHEA along with it and she said it couldn't hurt. She said she thinks I have plenty of eggs, and I ovulate well, but the eggs are either not fully maturing or poor quality. Injectables could give more numbers, so therefore better odds of a good one getting caught.

I found out though, that she does not do injectables at her office. She refers to a Fertility Clinic. She is an RE but chose not to do that in her practice. I was pretty stunned. This definitely throws a wrench in my plans. I do not have insurance that will cover any fertility stuff at all. I may have to change and pay bit for insurance in September, but I now have to see if the only one I could maybe get covers infertility and if so how much.

Part of me wants to do injectables on my own. No flames folks, it is where I am at right now in my head. I know protocols. Doubt it will happen but I am just so despondent right now.

I also have no desire to go to any festivities today. Bliss is pretty oblivious but it isn't fair to him if we don't. I know I should have just waited until tomorrow to test, but I just couldn't. I tested yesterday for the first time, then again today. Some friends always have a block party each year that we go to. I am so not up for it today. I am not sure if we will stop by, but we will take a drive at nightfall by the Expo Center/Fairgrounds to see the fireworks show. I also got him some sparklers. I am just not sure that is enough to keep me from feeling like the world's worst mom today. I already feel like the worst mother for not being able to provide him a sibling.

I am thinking of taking this next cycle off as far as progesterone and estrogen goes. I will always do progesterone, I know I need that. But I may go one month without the rest and see how it goes and then if still nothing do another 2 - 3 Clomid cycles before figuring out the insurance thing. Open enrollment is in September, if I could even get and afford it.

I also know I could still get a positive, but I am pretty doubtful at this point.


UPDATE: We did go to the block party after a movies and popcorn at home. Then we went to see the big ones so he got to have a really great day. I faked it and felt better for it.