scheduled...

I called again today and I finally have the tentative schedule.
I start have a baseline u/s tomorrow and start Lupron this Sunday.
My cd9 u/s is scheduled for May 19th.
Retrieval will be around a week later.
Hopefully transfer will be 5 days after that.

I was surprised I start Lupron so soon.
I don't know why.
None of this is new to me but there it is.

I am so relieved to be starting things, even if Lupron will be turning me into a raving bitch.

I am also starting back on the Metformin Sunday.
Fun times.

Some dear friends stopped by last night last minute on their way out of town for a long while.
It was so good seeing them, catching up and having them see Bliss. It has been years but they are those kind of friends who you see every 3 years and it seems like yesterday. They were friends long before Bliss was a thought. They are so amazing and they are friends who will visit us up in Canada. I can't say many will but I know they will. It felt so good to feel that love. They are chosen family and I see so little of my old chosen family anymore. I see 2 here and one there every blue moon or so. The love doesn't change but it is still so good when I see them. Bliss stayed up until almost 11pm which is unheard of but he was having so much fun. They also had their sweet dog with them. Today I am tired but warm and fuzzy inside. It is a nice feeling.

Tomorrow I will post my review for Mother Talk as well.

In an aside I have a strange question for the blog world, especially if you are from the New york area. I have been banging my head to find this info out for a couple years and have not been able to. Rosie O'Donnell's kids go to school in NY. I am pretty sure it is a private school. Anyhow the school has a no media policy where the kids and parents sign a contract for no TV, no computers at school or home. She has spoken about it often and how much it changed their lives. I am not there at all but I am interested in the school. I really want to know what teaching methods it follows if any and the name of the school. I am currently homeschooling and will likely do so for a few years more at least but I research so many methodologies so often and cannot figure this one out. My MA is in Education as well so I am doubly interested.

Anyhow if anyone knows please let me know.

cooking with bliss...

Bliss decided to make soup yesterday. He had me write down the ingredients and then hand them to him while he placed them in the imaginary pot and stirred. In case anyone is interested here is the recipe. He also named it.

BLISS' PEPPER SOUP

fish
spoon (not for stirring, put in the soup)
pepper
chili
lettuce
thank you cards
fire engine
1 fly
pepper
sprinkles
glue
4 frogs
pepper
1 moose
1 game disk
2 jets
1 cucumber (sliced)
1 piece of hair
1 hole
1 wall
1 pepper cut up
watches
tinker toys
remote
Buddha
elephant
rock
plane

finally...

I am now down to 3.

It is about fucking time, that is all I have to say about that.

I feel like maybe I can get back to some normalcy now. At least the normalcy of TTC and IF that I was before instead of limbo hell.

I am on schedule for May but not sure the logistics yet.

another day...

So we are still not feeling that great but yes better. Thanks for all the well wishes. I thought Bliss was really way better but then yesterday he seemed worse. We are still taking it easy though.

We got up today and went to get my blood test and the lab was closed due to illness. LMAO

I was not up for going across town so I will go tomorrow to get the test.

doing better...

I am doing better, finally. We do not get sick often at all. We went to a bounce place last Monday though and by Wednesday Bliss has a cold. It wasn't really bad but lots of runny nose and stuff. By Friday I had it and mine seemed to be 10 times worse. I spent so much time sneezing the first day (like 20 times in a row each time I did sneeze, literally) that my entire back and ribcage muscles were pulled and killing me. Then on Sunday Bliss suddenly seemed to be getting worse when he had seemed like it was almost over and I began having fever and chills with extreme dizziness.

Anyhow we are both better now, we both sound like frogs and have coughs but the worst is over.

I also spent yesterday getting some quotes for the Canada move and trying to come up with a game plan for next March. I cannot believe it is already two thirds of the way through April. It was January yesterday!! This year is going so fast i feel like I have to get ob all the stuff for the move next year or it will be here before I know it.

In other news I will likely go in tomorrow instead of Thursday to get my next beta done and hope this thing is over for once and for all.

as a dog...

sick

random advice for the day...

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to pan fry while not wearing clothing.
I now look like I have horrid red chicken pox all over my upper belly and right breast. I am a blistered idiot.

apologies...

If I usually comment on your blog and have been really neglectful of late I sincerely apologize. I have been in a strange space in my head and am having trouble even gathering my thoughts.

If I do not post much and you just had a baby please know I am absolutely thrilled for you. I am truly so excited for you I just cannot look at many baby pics right now. I think it is because I am in such limbo hell that I am once again so very sensitive to this kind of thing, but it is really causing tears lately.

I am here, but in silence until I can get zeroed out I think.

I am sorry.

44 days past m/c...

My beta was 21.

I knew it would still be up there but it just makes me angry cry.
I am frustrated and feel like my body is battling within itself.
I feel like it keeps trying to build lining and sloughing it off over and over again and again.
I also want to make sure this is done way way before May and getting on that IVF schedule.
My first m/c was natural and after the initial bleeding it stopped and four weeks later I got my period. The m/c last year I had the d&c and then about a month later got my first period.
This time I had the m/c which was awful, then 2 weeks later I start bleeding again with major clots and tons of blood and then after a week it stops only to start up again as heavy spotting a day later and it has been spotting heavy with long worm sized clots the whole time.
I am just sick of it.
I just want to be back to trying, back to trying to hope.

today...

I POAS this morning and there was a light shadow line which tells me tomorrow will not be near zero.

I am trying my best to accept it but it sucks ass.

I am trying to just be ok with May.

I will post the results from my beta tomorrow when I get them.

stuff...

I have still been bleeding. It is day 12 currently with only one day in there where I stopped. I have also been having small clots since that day that stopped. My doc says it is all just the HCG withdrawal causing me to continually shed lining but it is a pain. I get cramps on and off at the most random times. I have my next blood test Thursday but in my head I am preparing for May instead of April.

I have been having some awful dreams lately. So bad I am not about to write the details but they have really sucked.

We went to Cir.que Dre.ams: Jun.gle Fan.tasy this weekend. It was Bliss' first theatre show and we all dressed up and went to a restaurant beforehand. It was very fun and he really enjoyed it. We had front row orchestra seats so we could really see well. The second half of the performance he started getting antsy, and he spent the entire time asking if he could go on stage and perform. I really want to go to a full Cir.que show but there are none nearby. Hopefully we can see some in Montreal when we move.

I am still figuring out the new computer. It is causing me to streamline other areas of my life. Mac is so neat and clean that I have been on and off purging things in my life.

(Warning Mac talk ahead)

I enjoy Safari but not being able to see the connecting bar at the bottom of the page makes me nuts. I also have missed Goo.gle Tool.bar to no end. I finally downloaded Fire.fox because I missed it so. I still use both though. There are some search add-ons not available for Mac on Fire.fox (CNET reviews) but having the toolbar helps so much. I also really like the "restore session" capabilities on Fire.fox.

I was saving my pic disks to iDisk and one of them is messed up and another will not read. This is not a Mac issue but a messed up disk issue but it freaks me out that I may have lost some pics forever. I still have one flash drive to back up to iDisk and hopefully the pics are there. I lost many of Bliss' childhood pics during a very bad crash years ago and since then I have kept copies online at Shutter.fly, on the flash drive, and on disks. Even with all that I still feel I lose some here and there so I am paranoid. Shutter.fly download tool won't work with Safari which is another reason for Firefox.

I have gotten far too little sleep this week getting lost in my new computer.

Yesterday it turned off twice when I went out of the room for a minute. Not sleep mode, all the way off. Then it began turning off while I was working so I called Apple.care. They reset the hardware and told me to watch it closely and if it happened again to call so they could replace it since it is in the first 15 days and it would be a replace instead of a repair. I had it happen again about 15 minutes later. Then I found out the power strip plug was half out of the wall and my memory foam bed pushes up against it. So every time I got up it jiggled it and turned it off and then it would jiggle again when I sat down and I could turn it back on. LMAO I am so glad I noticed and did not send it my new computer all because the plug was unplugged.

So that is my excitement for the week.

latest hcg...

I just got the call.
It's 58.
I am not happy obviously.
Two weeks and one day ago it was 253 so it is going down.
My docs wife said to get tested again next week.
They still think I may make it for an April IVF.
Meds would start at the end of next week so it will all depend on next weeks test.
Has anyone experienced this?
Did you start a new cycle the second it zeroed?
One part of me things I am all "primed" and ready to get knocked up again.
The other part worries I should wait a month.
I WILL be talking to doc more to get his feeling on it.
I really want to go this month of course, but I also want to be smart.
Damn I wish it was zero.

afpc...

Hello blogland. I have been away a bit, sort of.
I got a new computer. It is an iMac 20 inch beauty.
I ordered it the night of the 30th and it arrived the 1st.
I have never owned a Mac.
I have been trying to get used to it while also merging everything off my old laptop.
It has taken a lot of time, plus I am learning how to work it.
I have called Applecare over 1 times already.
I find that so humorous.
I also found out it will not work with my color laser printer.
The printer is not mac compatible.
I did get a new multi sent though, will a $100 rebate.
I also ordered a USB touchpad.
I love the iMac and the new aluminum keyboard rocks but I cannot do a mouse.
I still need some USB headphones which I will get from the store tomorrow.
I have also been trying to get my old laptop ready for Bliss.
This will be his third laptop.
I am leaning towards tech nerd for future careers he may have.
I think that would be so cute.
Anyhow I have also been backing up all my pictures to .mac iDisk.
All of this has been while my ISP is trying to fix my less than 1Mbps problem.
They got it up to 8 which rocked but there is still a problem besides my own account.
They need another server and that may take a week or two so at night it is slow.
Bliss sleeps at night so I was trying to do stuff then.
I have not been getting much sleep.
I am having fun though.
I have a strange confession/question.
Has anyone every gotten motion sick from a video game?
I played a little mac download game with Bliss and almost threw up and had to stop.
Then today I got it again, only less so and I was doing email stuff.
I finally realized I had to remove the protective film because today it was blurring words which was making me dizzy.
I still think I cannot play certain games though.
I get that way at the arcade sometimes too, depending on the game.
Strange.
Tomorrow I get another blood HCG test.
Last POAS was very very faint, a squinter really.
I really hope tomorrow it is zeroed out or at least under 5.
My 41st birthday is rushing upon me (in June) and I really want to get this show on the road.

p.s. the title stands for "away from PC"