Thursday, December 13, 2007

6dp5dt...

After another negative hpt I am feeling pretty down. Staring at that whiter than white half of the test all I feel is this fear and anger bubbling up. Yesterday I spent the entire morning crying and mourning for our Sarah and today I am just bitter. I am angry at all the cliche things to be angry at. I am angry that I anguish over the caffeine in some chocolate I ate and it's possible effects on me getting pregnant while another junkie gets knocked up with her 4th kid. I am angry at all of my friends who have 2 or more children which is entirely unfair and awful of me. I am angry that desire means jack shit in this IF world. I am angry that I am too fat to get pregnant and even when I went through hell and lost the weight and got pregnant I lost the baby. I am angry that financially it is an awful time to keep trying but I have to because of my age and the fact that we are moving in 13 months. I am angry that I cannot give my son the thing he wants and needs most beyond my love. I am angry at how I look at my body now, after so many years learning to rejoice in it and love it flaws and all, but this flaw I cannot seem to forgive. I am angry that I get to feel pregnant through this wait, that I know well what feeling pregnant is like as I have been pregnant three times, but I also know that this feeling doesn't mean shit.

My beta is tomorrow. I will go early and wait patiently but I have little hope.

8 om's.:

MaverickMama said...

Thinking of you today.
MM

Michell said...

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

gold star said...

No effing way. I've got everything blazing for you tomorrow. I'm hoping hard this worked despite the hpts.

owl from enough grows said...

I'm still holding out hope for you too.
It sucks, its not fair, thinking of you often and hoping so hard that the beta proves you wrong

Solitaire said...

I hope your beta gives you a wonderful surprise! Thinking of you.

And thanks for always thinking of me, too.

steinbockfrau said...

crossing all things for a beta that wows you.

& sending love.
xo

Sara said...

Ugh- so sorry!

The Town Criers said...

Hey, sweetie. Your beta is today and you're probably waiting for results. Just know I'm thinking about you and sending good thoughts.