the good, the bad, the scary...

So the good news is obvious, I am in fact pregnant and as stated below it is only one, and I saw it's heartbeat. It is also good news that I have another ultrasound on the 8th which is less than 2 weeks away. It is good because I am neurotic.

The bad news isn't really all that bad as much as it is irritating. The sort of bad is that the doc said I was measuring behind my dates. This is an Artificial Insemination pregnancy folks, my dates can't really be off. The doc knows this. I also use frozen sperm so the likelihood of it living for a week before conception is null. To top it all off I tested positive on a digital pregnancy test at 11 dpo so I KNOW that wasn't a possibility. The doc said she is not concerned with the 6 days off and said the ultrasound had a +-7 day accuracy anyhow, but it had to be one little thing to niggle my brain and leave me obsessing as usual. It is also the reason the good news of the second ultrasound is such really good news.

Now for the scary. I got pregnant my second month on Clomid. Since going on Clomid up to now I have gained..... wait for it..... 25 pounds. Since getting pregnant I have gained almost 15. In 8 weeks people. I worked so hard to lose that 70 pounds and I knew I would be gaining much back, but this much, this early on, no, this I was NOT prepared for. So I say to my doc, who I do like a lot, how shocked and alarmed I am to see this much weight gain so fast. She responded by saying "So have you been doing some stress eating while worrying about this pregnancy?" Ya think? I laughed and nodded and she laughed and that was it. I knew I liked her. But seriously folks, I need to really slow this stuff down because this is not OK. I gained 65 pounds when I had Bliss, and it took 4 years to get it off. I really hope to not gain that much with this one, but to do so, I have got to stop eating.

it's in there....

There is a baby.
It has a heartbeat.
There is only one.
I am happy.

my pledge...

The Intactivist's Pledge

I reject circumcision.

For girls. For boys. For women. For men. For every human alive, or who ever lived, or who ever will live.

I reject circumcision because I regret being circumcised. Because I regret having someone else circumcised. Because circumcision is regrettable.

I reject circumcision because my genitals were cut. Because my genitals were not cut. Because I own my genitals.

I reject circumcision because I did not consent to the cutting of my genitals. Because I could not consent to the cutting of my children. Because the doctor did it anyway. Because the old man did it anyway.

I reject circumcision because it did not fool me. Because it did not fool everyone. Not back then. Not now. Not ever.

I reject circumcision because it cannot prevent disease. Because it is a disease. Because it must be cured. Because it must end.

I reject circumcision for better sex. Alone. With another. For any and all sex. For joy.

I reject circumcision because I have suffered. Because others have suffered. For all who suffered. For all who suffered and died.

I reject circumcision because it is a violation of human rights. Of human dignity. Of genital integrity. Of integrity.

I reject circumcision on behalf of myself. On behalf of my children. For the children I love. For the children I'll never know. For the children who will never know to thank me.

I reject circumcision in the name of truth. In the name of medicine. In the name of science. In the name of humanity.

I reject circumcision in the name of beauty. Because it is a mutilation. Because it is an injury. Because it is unnatural. It is ugly.

I reject circumcision on behalf of those traumatized by it. For those who have been wounded by it. For those who did the wounding. For the wound.

I reject circumcision for my family. For Africans. For Jews. For Christians. For Muslims. For Americans. For Everyone.

I reject circumcision for Abraham. For Isaac. For Jacob. For baby Jesus. For the boy Muhammad. For the girl Ayaan.

I reject circumcision done for tradition. Done for the rite. Done for God. Done for power. Done for money. Done because they could. Done always for wrong.

I reject circumcision done for "my own good." For "your own good." For anyone's "own good." Done to fit in. Done for my mother-in-law. Done for no damn good.

I reject circumcision when I'm by myself. When I'm with others. When I'm holding a baby. When I'm making love.

I reject circumcision because I was involved. Because I got involved. Because someone needs to be involved. Because children are involved.

I reject circumcision because it is my right to do so. Because it is my moral duty to do so. Because I am responsible.

I reject circumcision because I should have known better. Because I know better now. Because I help others know better. Now.

I reject circumcision to redeem myself. To redeem others. To redeem a man-made plague of six millennia.

I reject circumcision by speaking up. By speaking out. By blogging and posting and emailing and writing and mailing. Again.

I reject circumcision and I prevented one circumcision. I can prevent ten circumcisions. Or 10 thousand. Or 10 million.

I reject circumcision and when I do, others follow. Because it has to be stopped. Because it will not stop until it is stopped. Because we will not stop. Or be stopped.

This is my Covenant with myself, with my children, and with children everywhere:

I reject circumcision in order to end it.

I am an Intactivist.

(Please copy, post, and distribute freely.)

time...

I am back to misery. I just can seem to find that meditative center of faith in the universe and calm in myself. I am bombarded by "what ifs" and fears. I am also being an all around bitch. I just want to know there is no blighted ovum, to know there is a heartbeat, and to know all is well, so far. I know it is only two more days but it is interminable to me. I go through raging to crying to sulking to sobbing to bitching to pouting.

I know I am doing all I can do to make sure this pregnancy goes well. I am taking the Progesterone, the Vitamins, the Thyroid meds, the water, the greens, the protein. I know this is where I wanted to be for so long. I just cannot stand how many have gone through losses lately and I am petrified. It really is the right word. I feel frozen with fear and it is only making time go by more slowly.

I want to have faith, to instinctively "know" all is well and a babe or two are in fact growing wonderfully inside, or not. I have always been very in tuned with my body. When I had Cancer, I "knew" it beforehand. I have always been very self-aware when it comes to my body and my health. then I had a miscarriage and I lost all faith it seems. It is so against all I believe to lose faith from one incident, it goes against all my teachings. Yet here it is, and here I am, doubting, fearing, and miserable.

I am instead baking, cooking, and eating away my stress which is not a good thing. I just want Thursday to be here. It can't even be Thursday morning, no, it has to be 2:40pm on Thursday for fucks sake.

chosen family...

Stronger than Blood

Community is how I choose where I live.

Community is the women who are there for me
and who want me to be there for them,
the women who are real and present.

They are the women who respect me
and know that they are worthy of
the respect I accord them.


They are the women who make me laugh.
the women who make me cry,
the women who comfort me
instead of walking away
and complaining behind my back;
and they are the women who ultimately
appreciate me doing that for them.

They are glorious, magnificent, gorgeous women.

They are the women who are growing and
looking at themselves,
who dare to speak the truth and show what
they feel.

These are powerful women,
women with strong tears and deep feelings,
women who know themselves and know
their fears,
women face the world with their heads
held high,
and refuse to carry the burden
of society's idea of what a woman should be.

They are passionate, intense and bold.

They listen to the music of their souls,
and follow their heart's desires.

They are the women who walk with eyes wide
open and meet your gaze without flinching.

They are healed and healing.
This is my community.
These are the women who will drum
and sing around my body when I die.

Mikaya Heart - 1995

cramps...

I get cramps. They freak me out. I worry when they get sharp or last a while. Let's face it I worry about every little thing right now. But why is it that when you are pregnant you somehow cannot tell the difference between uterine cramping, round ligament stretching, and tons of gas??

Why?

I get bothered by some small cramps, they start lasting a while and I get a bit more worried. Next thing I know they are really doing a number on me and I am laying down trying to deal with them and not freak out and then POOF I let one or four rip and I feel much better. It is enough to drive me batty, and I have taken to lighting incense just to be able to stand my own presence.





(On an interesting side note. Up until 5 years ago if I ever let one rip in front of a best friend or even a partner I would cry for hours. Pregnancy with Bliss cured me of that phobia. We do use the word "peo" in our house as it does seem to flow easier from my tongue than fart, but nonetheless I have come a long way to be writing about such things in a blog.)

dreams...

Right before I found out I was pregnant I was obsessing on 2ww.com and reading symptoms until I found ones I liked, don't even try to say you don't know what I am talking about. Anyway, I read two different accounts where they said having very restless sleep and I had been having that badly for like 5 days. I thought it was worry and excitement over x-mas for Bliss but it didn't go away after x-mas.

Then that night I had a hetero sex dream. That should have been a red flag, when I was pregnant with Bliss I used to have graphic hetero sex dreams with a 70 year old Chinese man. It would really freak me out.

That nights dream never actually had the act. First, there was an entire montage of accessorizing and individualizing school uniforms (so random) and then there was the hot chick in a towel walking down the hall of the Hotel that I had thought was supposed to be a restaurant. I believe that was my psyche giving me a break and a nod to my dykiness but who knows. It also included 3 guys vying for me and ended with me ditched in the hotel I thought was a fancy restaurant. Oh, and the mob was somehow involved.

Since then I have had many disturbing and offensive dreams. Some have been so upsetting I have refused to go back to sleep upon waking. Most have involved abuse or neglect of my or of Bliss. Some have been of me being tortured or gravely hurt. Some have been of me being extremely neglectful of Bliss, but the worst have been of someone else hurting him. None have been of any other baby, that is until last night.

Last night was a mild dream for me, but it involved the baby and I am willing to share it. In the dream I had the baby, but although labor was pretty icky, when I delivered the baby I was somehow asleep. Then I kept not breastfeeding or feeding then baby at all. I next looked at the gender and it looked like a little girl at first, but then I saw the little penis. There was a vulva and no testes so the baby was, I believe, a hermaphrodite (which would be OK with me). It was confusing though.

Next I was at a betting place/race track with the newborn and my mother (who disowned me and hasn't seen me in 10 years in real life, but who has never been a gambler) and she wouldn't stop to let me take my baby home. I was following her trying to get her to stop walking.

Finally I gave up and turned to leave and there was all these guys being loud and drunk and to my horror the baby got vomited on. I left the track and went into a house I saw to use the kitchen to wash the baby. The baby this entire time kept smiling and remained completely calm and quiet.

Then once the baby was washed he/she smiled and I said "hello Soul" real close to her/his face. Then the baby smiled and started talking to me which was so surprising, I asked how it was that he/she could talk the day of birth and she/he just smiled and said it was normal, others just choose not to.

Then the owner of the house came home and was understandably upset some stranger was in their kitchen, I said sorry and left in a hurry. It was more like the owners kid actually. Next thing I know I was down the block and realized I still hadn't fed the baby and then I realized I had forgotten the baby so I ran back and the boy gave me a big paper bag like you get at a department store.

I looked in and saw a loaf of fresh bakery bread, I picked it up and the baby was underneath, smiling and looking at me. I picked up the baby out of the bag and apologized profusely, the baby said that he/she was fine and I went back down the block. I finally found a place to stop so I could finally nurse her/him and before I ever did I woke up.

THAT was the nicest mellowest dream I have had so far and it was whack. It WAS the first dream with the baby in it but still, come on. Can we say random strangeness?????????????

pleading the fifth...

Progesterone tastes nasty.
Do not ask how I know as I will not tell you.
Trust me, though, that I do.
It is very yucky.
Enough said.

the latest...

I got my latest lab results back, at least the HCG Beta and progesterone.

12,249


14.1


I am not sure how I feel about it. I am not unhappy, but I would be lying if I said I was thrilled. The levels were taken at 30 dpo. The HCG is within normal range, but it is a doubling time of 3.81 days. I know that is considered normal, but most say 3-3.5 days by week 6-7. I am aware I nitpick all this info. I am aware I should just be thrilled, but it is hard.


As for the progesterone, I am not real phased by it, I am taking 100mg vaginally 3 times a day. I know that when taking it vaginally it does not show up in blood work. I do feel it is a good thing I am on the Progesterone, but I have always felt that way.

My Thyroid levels won't be back for a day or two, not that I am concerned. I see my Endocrinologist on Thursday. She is a delight, and I am not really concerned about that at this point.

The following Thursday is now where I am focused. I just need to make it to then without losing my mind or anything growing inside me.

I have a dream.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity.

But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

snot...

I know the science behind it, that the body is made up primarily of water, blah blah blah. But really, how can I produce so much snot. I really do not get it. I blow and blow and blow. I blow until my belly aches, and then I blow some more. I have gone through 2 full boxes of Puffs Plus and there is no end in sight. Right when I got my positive HPT I got a stuffy nose and went through a box then, but about 2 days ago it cleared. Well today it came back with a vengence, and also with major allergies. I have sneezed over 15 times in a row, more than once. I am tired, achy, grumpy, and stuffy.

Tomorrow I get bloodwork done. I doubt I will get any results until Tuesday or Thursday this time. The reason is that this doctor is my Endocrinologist, and she did not order the beta or the progesterone test, I added them to the lab slip. So I have an appointment with her Thursday, but I am not sure I feel comfortable asking for results for the tests I wrote in before the results for those ordered are in. The thyroid tests take 2-3 days to come back. She does have a front desk person who loves me, so we shall see. I am sure I will be trying to get them early, but I am not sure.

One week from this Thursday is my first OB appointment. I should get to see if there is a little one or more that day. I have no idea how I am going to make it until then, but I am sure I will manage somehow.

One minute I feel like I am having various symptoms, the next I feel like I am not. I do seem to be eating more than humanly possible, and get in a panic if too much time goes by between meals. I also keep deep sighing, which could be to increase oxygen intake. I am continuing to pinch my nipples periodically to check that they are still sore, which they are, but they go through more and less sore moments throughout the day. I am also having awful awful dreams that are really disturbing me. I am not even comfortable mentioning what they have been about, but they are very upsetting, and have caused me, on more than one ocassion, not to want to go back to sleep. I will say that they have not involved babies at all, which is also strange.

on telling...

I sit here in fear trying to live minute by minute.

I have lost a baby before through m/c. I know what it is like to have to tell everyone I know that I am no longer pregnant. I have listened to the thoughtful and thoughtless remarks meant to appease an unappeasable pain. I have spiraled down into an almost ridiculous mental breakdown making wildly stupid decisions when in the depths of that pain. I have come out the other side and gotten so lucky and gotten pregnant again and had the joy of having a child.

I went through terror and fear throughout that pregnancy as well. But through that one, and apparently through this one, I tell. It is compulsive. I do not want to. I am afraid to, but I do. I tell everyone. I am not talking close friends and family. I find myself telling the mail person I do not know. I tell the bagger at the grocer. I tell the notary public. I tell the neighbors. I tell.

I wish I didn't. I am honest about this. I wish I didn't. I am so terrified about having to tell everyone the bad news if it comes. I am so worried about how telling will build it up more causing it to make me really fall apart more if the worst happens. I cannot, I will not, I do not have the luxury to spiral down and make stupid decisions when I have a kid. There is no room for that. There is no room for telling everyone before the second trimester. Yet here I am, telling.

In the past week more amazing, strong, wonderful women than I want to even think about have gotten devastating news about their pregnancies ending, or not being viable, or being in a bad way. All of them got pregnant the same month as me. It has been so heartbreaking, and wreaking havoc with my psyche. Yet, through all this, I am still telling.

I am sad tonight.

blocked...

I have written 4 titles and started 4 different posts. I have saved all as drafts. I just can't seem to finish any. I am stuck. This weekend begins the length of time I was pregnant when I had my previous m/c. I am in this frozen state I think. I just want to cocoon until next week. I don't want to do anything until I at least have my blood test results next week.
In other news I am feeling lots of swell things. I am having major dizzy spells today, even though I am eating constantly and resting almost all the time. My hair on my head hurts like crazy. My nipples still hurt, and I feel constantly like I overate. I am happy for every symptom. It is all just little reassurances.
I am sleeping better, I have a system down where when I wake up at 3-4 in the morning I take another progesterone and am able to fall back asleep. It seems like the insomnia with it comes about 4 hours after I take it.

we interrupt this blog for a cuteness break...

I have plenty to post about but haven't gotten to it. I had to post this because well, look at it!

3:47 am.....

It is 3:47 am.
I woke up at 1:30 am.
I am still up.
I am not happy about this.
I just had a mug of warm milk with honey.
I want to get some sleep.
I need to get some sleep.
Please oh please some more sleep.
Here sleep sleep sleep.
Here sleep sleep sleep.

added links....

I just added links to all the Blogs I read or that link to me, although if you link to me you can be pretty assured I am going to read you.

I just wanted to ask that if anyone links to me and I didn't post them please let me know because I would love to add you.

Also please have patience with me about alphabetizing the links. I am having a busy day and haven't found the energy to do all the cutting and pasting that it requires.

Thanks

new beta squared..........

So I got my new beta number and decided it would be an appropriate time to switch to the new Beta Blogger as well.

The new number is...


1656


I am more than happy with that. It is a doubling rate of 1.88 and very good for 19dpo. It has decreased from the 1.07 doubling rate last time which eases my mind a bit about twins (but not completely).

I got some sleep last night which was needed. I woke up a few times but slept til a little after 5am which is very good. I am not loving the progesterone induced insomnia and am hoping it eases up soon. One thing I have missed about pregnancy, strangely enough, is being so exhausted that I could sleep anywhere anytime. I think it is perhaps because since Bliss was born I have never been able to sleep when he is awake. No matter what, except for surgery last year (and that was drug induced sleep) when Bliss is awake so am I. I can rest my eyes, but never actually fall asleep. I am hoping when the exhaustion phase of pregnancy sets in, that I will be able to take naps even when he is up playing, but we shall see.

So I am in good spirits, and now I just have to wait until my first appointment on January 25th.

Ah yes, more lessons in patience.

comments....

I swore I would never beg for comments when I began this blog. I was starting it for me, if someone else read it cool, but it was for me.

Ha

I want comments.

(Tangent: I am feeling so whiny and pouty it is ridiculous. I know in my head it is just the progesterone and other hormones surging through my system, but all I want to do is pout and have little fits. I am also out of breath every other minute. I was not like this, this early on with Bliss.)

So to reiterate. Comments. I want them. Please. Even just a hello. It would make me smile, and make my day.

Thank you.

stomping poop...

I got to the lab in time, but there was a line, which is rare at this lab. The 10:30am pick-up showed up when I was waiting. I asked her if she could wait, she said she couldn't. I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. I really think the progesterone is causing this overwhelming feeling of whininess. I said "shit!" I then apologized to the others for cursing. When I was called I looked at the tech, who knows me, and I said "poop" and she smiled and then took my blood. The next pick-up isn't until 4pm. I would have gone much later so I had a few more hours to increase had I known it would go like this.

POOP

:::::stomping foot:::::


I won't get the results until tomorrow. I will try and use this as an exercise in patience. An annoying, irritating exercise in something I am sorely lacking in.

whew...

It posted today afterall.







794








I am over the moon with that number. Then the doc goes and orders another for Thursday. LMAO It is always the case. Either I am pulling teeth to get one Beta or I am being offered them left and right.

Now I will just work on staying positive as I have been and wonder about twins.
lol

Happy New Years to me.

hanging in there...

So I made it through the long weekend. Happy New Year to all. I got up this morning and went and got my blood drawn. I am hoping that it will be posted today but prepared for not until tomorrow.

I have been doing a bit better. The FRER getting so dark helped. I also have been going to bed each night listening to a guided imagery CD. It is for a healthy pregnancy and childbirth. It also has positive affirmations. It is not my style but desperation leads one to try almost anything. I am usually asleep long before it finishes. To my surprise it seems to be helping.

Intellectually I know that no amount of worrying or "preparing for the worst" will make a damn bit of difference if things go great or take a bad turn. I also know that huge amounts of stress are not good for me. So I have been trying to find a way to just be positive and try and be happy about this great thing. For me it is much easier said than done. This listening to this thing, though, seems to have taken some edge off. I can breathe better throughout the day. I was literally holding my breath on and off with stress. I am also not having constant anxiety attacks anymore. I am still terrified, but it seems more manageable. We shall see.

I have been having intermittent bouts of breathlessness and tiny hints of my body thinking about being nauseous. Besides this, not really any other symptoms. I was up every 2 hours last night, and I did pee each time, but I think it was probably due more to subconscious worry about today's test than anything else.

I got a very bad sore throat New Year's Eve day. It hurt so bad I could not swallow or talk. I took a bath and did my nasal irrigator before bed. I spent the entire night blowing my nose, but I woke up yesterday feeling so much better. I still am very congested, but there is no more pain. I read that pregnancy causes your nasal passages to congest in order to force you to becomes a mouth breather so that your oxygen intake increases for better baby production. I'm not sure it's true, but it makes sense.

I will post again when I have my numbers.