Tuesday, January 23, 2007

time...

I am back to misery. I just can seem to find that meditative center of faith in the universe and calm in myself. I am bombarded by "what ifs" and fears. I am also being an all around bitch. I just want to know there is no blighted ovum, to know there is a heartbeat, and to know all is well, so far. I know it is only two more days but it is interminable to me. I go through raging to crying to sulking to sobbing to bitching to pouting.

I know I am doing all I can do to make sure this pregnancy goes well. I am taking the Progesterone, the Vitamins, the Thyroid meds, the water, the greens, the protein. I know this is where I wanted to be for so long. I just cannot stand how many have gone through losses lately and I am petrified. It really is the right word. I feel frozen with fear and it is only making time go by more slowly.

I want to have faith, to instinctively "know" all is well and a babe or two are in fact growing wonderfully inside, or not. I have always been very in tuned with my body. When I had Cancer, I "knew" it beforehand. I have always been very self-aware when it comes to my body and my health. then I had a miscarriage and I lost all faith it seems. It is so against all I believe to lose faith from one incident, it goes against all my teachings. Yet here it is, and here I am, doubting, fearing, and miserable.

I am instead baking, cooking, and eating away my stress which is not a good thing. I just want Thursday to be here. It can't even be Thursday morning, no, it has to be 2:40pm on Thursday for fucks sake.

1 om's.:

Susanna said...

yes, miscarriage fucked up my sense of knowing my body as well.