Monday, January 14, 2008

egg sucking...

I have been down the past couple days. I am so ticked off and angry at the pain and suffering of so many of us in the IF world. I get upset about the world at large often but the past couple days the losses surrounding TTC and IF have really gotten to me. What Kim is going through right now maybe hits home more for me because it is more specific to exactly what I went through. Seeing the baby and having the positive u/s with heartbeat and then loss is what I have been through twice. I know it will likely ruin any joy in early pregnancy for her as it did me.

There is this threshold one goes through depending upon when your particular loss was. Those with losses before u/s may (I stress may here) feel some comfort after a subsequent pregnancy with a positive u/s. Those of us who had that and then had a loss before second trimester may get some sense of relief after 15 weeks. Those who have had losses before movement was felt may feel better when that begins to happen with regularity. Those who have second trimester losses may feel better when they hit the third. Those who suffer still births... I do not know and cannot say but you get where I am going.

It is so fucked up and so wrong so many amazing wonderful people have to suffer so much. There is no pain and suffering Olympics here, just different kinds and different stories. I have a cousin who suffers from premature labor and has many problems with it. I never went into labor and after induction and 4 days of labor had to be cut open at 42 weeks for Bliss's birth. Both different, neither better or worse, less than or greater than.

We can look at the minutiae, the primary vs. secondary, the blighted ovum (hate that term) vs. late stage miscarriage, the male factor vs. unexplained, or whatever, but it doesn't matter. Like all pain it is relevant to the individual and totally subjective. The problem I have is the suffering in and of itself. Especially where it relates to people desiring nothing more than to raise and love another being. It sucks rotten eggs bad.

So anyhoo that is where I have been and please know I am so sorry Kim and Cali and everyone else right now with a heavy heart and an aching soul, I wish so much I could ease the pain and make their dreams realities instantly.

6 om's.:

Michell said...

Loss is loss regardless of what sort of loss and it hurts. Some are better at coping but it still hurts whether it's shown or not. I feel so badly for those who have had a loss. As far as being comfortable in a pregnancy. Being a nurse who has worked NICU I don't know if I will relax completely until my baby is in my arms.

Laine said...

I want you to know that your words don't fall on deaf ears, or worse, onto ears that choose not to hear or care. I'm a sometimes lurker on your amazing blog and though I have no apparent infertility problems of my own (but who knows, since I've never even tried to conceive) I feel pain for you. It seems as though some who most want and deserve to parents are those who have the hardest time achieving it. I have always thought of returning to school in some medical field, and your words and the stories of others has pushed me to find midwifery programs that might also allow me to assist in reproductive technology. If there is any way possible that my experience can someday help a single woman, a lesbian couple, or someone struggling with infertility get knocked up, I'm going to do it. I want to learn all that I can, and I've already begun that process. Bliss will long since have his sibling(s) by then, but if you still have a blog I promise to let you know what I've done. I'm sorry for the injustice of what all in this IF world must endure, and for the parts that are complicated by Bureaucracy and not just by the bounds of mother earth. I'll try to help in some small way.

bleu said...

Wow thanks Laine. It just means the world to me to have touched someone, especially out of the IF/TTC sphere. Good luck with your studies. I have some amazing midwife and doula friends. Thanks for the wonderful support.

Michell I hear ya, I nannied for a NICU nurse years ago, such a tough field, you likely know only too much of what can go wrong.

steinbockfrau said...

It's all shitty. But I think the one thing I found the most comfort it was knowing that others have been in my shoes and others have been able to move forward.

You are such a dear and wonderful person and you have a knack for saying perfect things. I thank you for it.


nancy said...

sing it.

forgive me for not having the energy to post more on how I understand your words today.

Rachel said...

Thanks for this post! I had a friend whose baby was stillborn at 37 weeks. Later, when I miscarried at 10 weeks (after seeing/hearing the heartbeat at 8 weeks) she comforted me. I felt like my pain should be less than hers and she explained that it is difficult no matter what, and she was right.