Thursday, January 03, 2008

FET ultrasound...

I had my baseline u/s today. It was later than normal because of the holidays. I have been on the Estrogen patches for 3 days. All was great. My lining is already 9.2 whish is interesting. It still needs to develop the uterine layers before the procedure but all is on target. An interesting, the day before I started the patches, and on Lupron, I had CM. I keep telling people I am estrogenic, I swear.

So my FET is in 2 weeks if all goes as it looks to. If the lining had issues it could get pushed later which is fine, but I doubt it. I am hoping all 3 blasts make the thaw. My clinic has an over 85% thaw rate which is good. I also plan of having some form of assisted hatching done on them, but we have to see them first since some may hatch on their own during the thaw.

The doc and his nurse wife were fantastic as usual. I am so very lucky on that front.

I am feeling pretty blah about it all. Likely my defense mechanisms.

I was thinking about my pregnancy with Bliss today. It came after my first m/c and while I was so lucky to get pregnant first try back after the m/c I was so very worried about it. At 5 weeks after much progesterone testing at my insistence they said no more and I balled and begged for more. My levels had been in the 20's and they said it was gratuitous but they allowed me one more test. The test showed a dramatic drop and I almost lost Bliss. I was immediately on bed-rest and tons of suppositories. I got through it and have my Bliss, but what I was remembering was how sure I was I would never get to have a baby. I wanted it more than anything in the world. Every wish I ever made in a fountain, every star I gazed upon I wished for a child someday. But when I was pregnant I just truly believed it would never happen, that I wouldn't be allowed. Even after he was born I was sure it was a dream, or some mistake and someone was coming to take him away at any minute. I had bruises on my arms for his first year, I kid you not, from pinching my arms so often to be sure it wasn't a dream.

To this day it still seems unreal at times and I have trouble believing how fortunate I am. And now the same thing is there again, but after 16 tries and one more m/c and a failed IVF it just seems as if I am back being sure I will never get to have this. I spoke of defense mechanisms and maybe that is at play, but I just feel like somewhere deep inside I am convinced it will never happen. I try and tell myself I felt this way before and look how it turned out, but it doesn't give much comfort.

The thing is though, even before, even when I knew I would never get to be pregnant and end up with baby in arms I also knew I would never stop trying until I did. Just as much as I knew I would never get to have a child I also knew I could never live the rest of my life without becoming a mother. I do not fully understand how that happened but I feel like I am there again. I am convinced I will not get to have this thing but at the same time I cannot imagine allowing it not to happen.

It makes for so much angst when I start to really go there and feel it all.

So yeah, I guess I am only allowing the blah in instead.

3 om's.:

steinbockfrau said...

sooo glad the u/s went well. ONLY 2 WEEKS!!!! wooo hoooo!!

So much of this post resonated with me. That pit in your stomach feeling like you will never have a kid but knowing that you will never stop trying until you do...yes. SO get that.

xoxo

Sara said...

This can't be easy - I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is it - that you will reach your goal this time.

Michell said...

Glad that your body is doing it's thing to get ready for the FET. I hope this works for you. I understand the whole feeling of it never happening. I started feeling that way many years ago about finding someone to share my life with, it felt like the impossible dream. Now with TTC each time I get a negative, it starts to feel more like the impossible dream again. Scary. Hopefully we're both wrong and we get our wish.