broken..

I am still testing neg. I think if I do not get a positive by Thursday I would say I am definately out.
My doc called today to discuss our plan. She said I "could" still be preggers with those numbers but they weren't good. She also said she was calling in the Rx for the Clomid for this next cycle. I asked exactly how much and she said she preferred not to bother with 50mg and liked to just jump in at 100mg day 3-7. She also said she counts by first show of blood not first full day or heavy. I then asked about taking baby aspirin and B6 for the lining and she said she usually just liked to have her patients take 1mg Estrogen twice a day on days 8-12. I said ok. Actually in my head I said "OK then" with surprise in my voice, but I kept mellow on the phone. I guess when she jumps in she does it full on.
So if I do not get a positive in the next 48 hours or so I should be getting AF by Friday or Saturday. I am still having sore bbs, and they have even "filled in" which is just so strange but whatever. I just can't obsess anymore. I have been doing some soul searching and I think one reason this month is so hard is because last year, when I found out that doc was lying about my labs and that I had thyroid disease, I knew it would mean taking a break, a really long break from ttc. I knew it meant I would have to have surgery and then get healthy, and then lose all that weight, and it was almost a year break, and I worked so damn hard to get where I am today. I am finally healthy and I can FINALLY try again. And then...it isn't working still and it just breaks my heart. But mostly I don't want to fall back down that "my body is broken" road again.

Anyway I am ranting, I had a good cry and I am done.