scattered

I am so scattered of late. I should preface this by explaining I am the High Holy Mindfuck Queen (HHMFQ). I got that blogger tracker thingy and then suddenly aware that someone might actually be reading my drivel I was instantly unable to write anything. So typical. I began this for myself. I wanted an outlet instead of ranting on a bulletin board and then worrying about the replies I get or don't get. I began this so I could purge all the endless feelings I go through on a day to day basis in my head while ttc. I do not care who reads it, truly, it is for me. It is good for me to do something for myself, to take care of myself. It is good for me to express myself without expectations of myself or anyone else.

****brief tangent**** Why is it they do not have a button to change all capped letters back to small. I think you should be able to highlight all the words you just typed in caps by mistake, then hit a button and all the big turn little and little turn big. ****end of tangent****

So I am doing this for me and then I begin to think about someone else reading it and I suddenly think it needs to be witty or clever or some such stupid crap. I stopped myself today though, so good for me.

I put on Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine" and was all set to write and then I couldn't because all I could do is sing that song. My Goddess what a great song that is. I have this personal theory that all lesbians feel that song differently than other people. I actually heard that song for the first time, looooong before I came out, from a woman I knew who was a lesbian. I was terrified that my liking it could mean I was gay. LMAO Now I happen to think it did.

So now all is quiet and I am trying to talk about this week. I have been trying not to build things up in my head for this week. It is a big week for me in that it is my last try to get pregnant with my sons same donor. I know that whatever happens will be OK but it is hard to not to grasp onto that desire. Desire, yes that is so much at the root of so many of my hardships in life. I study Buddhism and am in great need of some work in this area. Desire does indeed lead to suffering for me. So I am working on trying to ground myself, trying to be in the moment and know that if it isn't meant to happen the way I "want" it to, then something better is in the works. I know all this truly on an intellectual level, but emotionally I am 3 and want what I want NOW!

I started the opk's the day after my last Clomid and got an immediate positive with both lines equal. I sorta freaked until I did some obsessive research and found that testing too early after Clomid can get a false positive. The opk's have been fading each day since. I am supposed to ovulate on Tuesday according to my TCOYOF software but am of the mind that it will be a day or two later because of the Clomid. We shall see. Of course HHMFQ that I am I also have a second dialogue running that says I o'd super early from some freak problem with my body and the Clomid and I have missed this month completely. I am doing pretty well with not listening to that one, but it is still there. I am trying to focus on my healthy capable body instead. It is so amazing to me how quickly my head wants to condemn my body. I saw something recently where someone was saying we are not our bodies, we are ourselves, our spirit, our mind, our souls. I am not my body, I get that, I like that. I do NOT want to be my mind either though, it is a fu*ked up lil monster in there often. Always thinking, always judging my body, my spirit, my soul. It is something I work on, and something that is much better than it used to be, but it is also an ongoing process. I remember when I was 13 or 14 I was SURE I would never get my period (I got mine at 15). I was sure I was broken and God or whoever (the way I saw it then) had forgotten me. I think if I had known the Goddess I do today I wouldn't have had so little faith in it, but the God I knew as a child was not a very kind one. I then thought I would never get pregnant and then I did. I then had my m/c and I was convinced I would never get to have a child. I got my biggest wish and dream of my life, every wish in every fountain I had ever thrown pennies into, when I had my son. Truly my greatest life's wish came true with him. Now 4 years later and my head wants to go back down that "I will never get to" road again and I am so determined not to buy into it this time.

So I am waiting to get a positive OPK and then inseminate and then leave it up to the stars to decide what happens. The fact that Mercury is in retrograde and I am a Gemini doesn't help. I wish we had a fireplace so badly. I have this huge desire to sit in a darkened house with a crackling fire going and a nice cup of tea. Now THAT would ground me.

I have been having some cramping all day, it feels like I am about to get my period in a couple days. I am taking it as a good sign, that my ovaries are working overtime growing those follicles. I also went online and checked out some other possible donors if it doesn't happen this month. I have 2 possibilities but really need to read their long profiles before I could know more. I am not sure if I will do that before this cycle plays itself out but I am staying open to all possibilities.

Did I mention I am scattered?