Wednesday, November 29, 2006

trying

I got four positive hpt's. They were definate, not wishful thinking. I have never had even a glimmer of a false positive. I had my roomie check and doublecheck to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. I am beyond upset, but there is nothing I can do. It was the last chance to have the same donor. It crushes me.
I am trying to believe there is something better down the road planned. I am trying to believe that this wish wasn't granted and that one day it will all make sense.

I am trying.

Today I have lots of cramps, it feels like the witch is coming, but not even a hint of spotting yet. So, of course, it is more waiting. I took a digital this morning and it read "not pregnant." I think I will only use those in the future if I ever do test again, but at this point I am just not sure.

I contacted the new bank to check on a new donor. I really liked the woman I spoke with and she raved about the donor. He is a new donor which I also like. I will fax them my paperwork and be ready for when this cycle ends and I will once again be ttc. This next cycle will be right through x-mas. If I start my period today or tomorrow I will be right around 12 dpo on x-mas which is a bit irritating. I will NOT test until after though, I just do not want any possibility of a downer on that day. But if it happens it would be such a great x-mas gift.

So onward and upward. I am done crying, I think. Yesterday I had cried so much I hit that exhausted/spent threshold where all I could do was stare blankly at my computer screen. Today I woke up bitter and anrgy. I am hoping I am on my way to acceptance by dinner, but who knows. I do know many of my dreams in life never happened like I "wanted" but in the end happened so much better than I could ever have dreamed so I am trying to just see this as one more of those happenstances.

Thank you to a blog from a farmgirl for reminding me about that one.

2 om's.:

mermaidgrrrl said...

You need quite a lot of HCG in your pee to get a "positive" on the digital one - it came up as negative even after two days of testing positive on the regular type of pee stick for me! Bummer about the low HCG babe. The whole TTC thing is a fucking mind trip for sure.

bleu said...

Thanks mama sister friend. Yes it is, a huge fucking head trip but such a great journey too.
I am finally bleeding and so happy to be into a new cycle.

Bleu