trying

I got four positive hpt's. They were definate, not wishful thinking. I have never had even a glimmer of a false positive. I had my roomie check and doublecheck to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. I am beyond upset, but there is nothing I can do. It was the last chance to have the same donor. It crushes me.
I am trying to believe there is something better down the road planned. I am trying to believe that this wish wasn't granted and that one day it will all make sense.

I am trying.

Today I have lots of cramps, it feels like the witch is coming, but not even a hint of spotting yet. So, of course, it is more waiting. I took a digital this morning and it read "not pregnant." I think I will only use those in the future if I ever do test again, but at this point I am just not sure.

I contacted the new bank to check on a new donor. I really liked the woman I spoke with and she raved about the donor. He is a new donor which I also like. I will fax them my paperwork and be ready for when this cycle ends and I will once again be ttc. This next cycle will be right through x-mas. If I start my period today or tomorrow I will be right around 12 dpo on x-mas which is a bit irritating. I will NOT test until after though, I just do not want any possibility of a downer on that day. But if it happens it would be such a great x-mas gift.

So onward and upward. I am done crying, I think. Yesterday I had cried so much I hit that exhausted/spent threshold where all I could do was stare blankly at my computer screen. Today I woke up bitter and anrgy. I am hoping I am on my way to acceptance by dinner, but who knows. I do know many of my dreams in life never happened like I "wanted" but in the end happened so much better than I could ever have dreamed so I am trying to just see this as one more of those happenstances.

Thank you to a blog from a farmgirl for reminding me about that one.