Saturday, November 04, 2006

rain sweet rain

So the floodgates opened. It seems fitting that the first rain of the season be timed with the first day of my new cycle. It somehow felt better to be bleeding with the onset of the rain. I took off my clothes and did a dance in the backyard in the rain. A dance of cleansing away the old hope and fear and sorrow. I asked the Goddess to wash away the old and bring forth the new. I asked Soul to come when she/he was ready but I did mention that this month would be wonderful. I also mentioned she/he could bring along another/others too if that was desired. I am open, I am ready and whatever happens is ok.

I start the Clomid tonight (cd3) for five days, to be followed by 5 more of Estrogen which is then followed, after ovulation, by progesterone. I feel like this is all a good effort for this last vial of that dear donor. All I can do is prepare the best I can and if it is meant to be, it will, and if not then something better is down the road.

I was reading a blog I adore recently and the person was talking about how the universe has 3 possible answers to any desire.
1. yes
2. not right now
3. no, but something better is coming
I have been reflecting on this lately. How many times in my past did I want something more than life that I am now so very very grateful I never got. All those times were definately #3. I am trying to apply that knowledge now, to this. I am trying to be aware and present to the notion that if this is to happen with this donor it will, but if it doesn't it will be in order to make room for something better that is coming. It is hard when desire is so strong, but it is what I am working on.

I also realized that my past few posts may leave a lot to be explained. I may never be read by others, but for clarity I will explain a few thing.

In 2001 I had gotten out of a pretty unhealthy relationship. I was 34 and finally ready to start loving myself. I had decided to start trying to get pregnant and did so on the second try. It was October. I had a miscarriage soon after and fell apart pretty quickly. I spent the holidays in a PTSD haze but after a really awful and long bus ride across country, that ended so badly it was humorous, I came home finally ready to start trying again. I tried again in Febuary and got pregnant that first try. I almost lost that baby as well due to progesterone problems at 5 weeks. I was put on bedrest for 10 weeks and I now have an almost 4 year old AMAZING and wonderful son named Bliss Om.

I have a history of thyroid cancer, I had it at 19 and had one lobe, the one with the tumor, removed then. Since then I have taken thyroid hormone and not had much trouble. About 9 months after I gave birth I had my yearly bloodwork done and my (then) Endocrinologist said all was well. The following year when I had it done I was told the same thing. By the year after that, 2005, I was not feeling well, I had no energy, and I still could not lose the baby weight. I was cold all the time, I was starving, and I was miserable. By the time I went in for bloodwork that August I was almost bedridden. I told the doc I was about to start TTC again and wanted to know if I was cleared for it. I felt I had symptoms of being hypothyroid and didn't know what was up. The doc ran tests and said I was fine, my bloodwork was fine and all my symptoms were in my head. I was told to go on a diet and do some exercise and that there was "nothing" indicating I shouldn't start ttc.

I began ttc and nothing, I was feeling worse and by the end of the year and by the time 5 of the 9 vials left in the world of the dear donor were gone I stopped trying. I called the doc and requested all my labwork. I was first told no, then told fine but if I got them I was fired. I said fine, and when I finally got the labwork I was shocked. Way back when my son was 9 months old there were signs of my remaining thyroid lobe getting ill. I had thyroid antibodies of almost 200. By a year later I had thyroid antibodies over 700 and by August they were over 900. Your thyroid antibody level should be at 0 - 50 and anything over 200 is considered problematic. The antibodies cause the body to attack itself, the thyroid and anything else that comes in. In other words, if any of those tries had worked the body would have attacked the embryo before it ever had a chance. I could never, EVER, have sustained a pregnancy.

When I got to my new doctor and had new bloodwork done last January my antibodies were at 1130. My doctor was surprised I could function at all. I had multiple cysts in my remaining lobe and the new doc was pretty sure the cancer was back.

I do not know why that other doc had lied.I have no idea why, with a patient with a history of thyroid cancer, he would have told me the things he did. I still worry about all the elderly he treats (he mostly treats elderly). I keep thinking how many people has he told "it is in your head, you are old, deal with it" to? I truly hope karma visits him for a long stay.

I had the surgery in March of this year. My thyroid was filled with cysts and very sick, but no cancer. After surgery I had a very rough time getting my thyroid levels stabilized. I finally was feeling better by the end of May.

June 1st I began an eating plan to try and lose the weight, finally. I added exercise by mid-July. By the middle of September I had lost 69 pounds. I have energy again and have incorporated exercise into my daily life. My cholesterol is at 144 and my blood pressure is 115/65. I am healthy and proud of myself. I am still technically 15-20 pounds overweight but I am maintaining my weight and ready to start ttc again.

I started back ttc in September and am now on cd 3 of my third cycle back. I am frustrated it isn't happening as easily as before but I am determined to stay positive and keep trying.

I am a single mother by choice.
I am queer, and I am 39 years old.

My name is Bleu.


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