letting go

I decided to just go down and get the vial on Wednesday and get a room at a B&B and do the last try with that donor up right. I didn't have to worry about timing and my doula could do the insem whenever I decided. Bliss had a blast jumping from bed to bed in the room and roasting marshmallows in the fireplace. I even brought down a bottle of my favorite Prosecco for afterwards. My doula came by and we did a very late-night insem. It was strange, my opk was already fading so if I didn't test three times a day I would have missed this peak this time. I never have such a short peak. Last month longer than ever, this month the opposite. I hope it is an ok sign and this month is just from the Clomid.

I also had my head shaved after. It is only about 1-1.5" long but we actually got a razor and shaved it smooth and bald. It was my way of letting go of it all. I have no control and really need to let go of the results thing. It isn't in my hands anymore. Of course this doesn't mean I won't be starting testing by 8 dpi but it was just a ritual to try and help me let go of the whole "needing to have a baby with the same donor" thing.

I did an opk the next morning and it was negative but just barely. I didn't do anymore after that. I can only wait now. I did wake up boiling hot, I was so hot all that next day I am hoping it meant I ovulated that night or early the following morning. We shall see. Maybe I had some delayed Clomid hot flashes. It was a long lasting one though.

I feel pretty "out of body" since which is just my Gemini way of trying not to freak out. I am also getting ready for Bliss's birthday on Tuesday. I cannot believe he is going to be 4 already. It is shocking how fast time goes by with a kid.