Saturday, February 10, 2007

goddess please...

it's late

i can't sleep

i have tried filling the void with food
even when i know how much that won't work

i hate wearing a pad
now the tears are coming non-stop

please someone tell me they had a 5 or more year difference
tell me you were still close
you still have a great sibling relationship
tell me you didn't feel cheated
tell me you forgave your mother
tell me you grew up happy and formed great friendships

i want to give him this so badly
my heart is aching
i need to be able to do this
i need it to happen soon
the fears come rushing back

the doc gave me darvoset
i finally took two
i thought it would help me sleep
shut the committee in my head up
i can't even tell i took any

the first one, way back when
all the pain was wrapped up in fear
fear i would never get to have a child
fear i wasn't good enough


this time

it's all wrapped up in fear again
fear i won't be able to be good enough
a good enough mama to my baby boy
a good enough mama to give him a sibling

i know the psych of it all

but that doesn't do shit for this wrenching pain

for these endless tears late at night

for the broken dream

once again

7 om's.:

cristin said...

My brother and I have a four year age difference and are close and get along. Pat on the other hand has a 14 MONTH difference with her sister and they hate eachother. My best friend has a 15 YEAR age difference with her brother and they are super close.

I think that your kids will be just fine because they have a loving, open mother.

The Town Criers said...

There is a 5 1/2 year gap between my brother and I. We are very close and I speak to him almost daily. My sister and I are also close (though only 2 years apart). I think a lot of it has to do with parenting. Instilling the importance of family. Making family time fun so siblings want to keep returning to it. I love holidays where everyone comes into town (I live the closest to my parents so everyone usually comes to us). We also plan trips up to my sister's house every summer so we can all be together at th same time. And there is a 7 1/2 year difference between my brother and sister.

You are a wonderful mother--a mother who is up when she should be sleeping, worrying about Bliss and the child who will come in the future. I believe that you will be able to build that closeness between your children.

B said...

My sister is my best friend. We don't live in the same state anymore but we talk every day, much to the chagrin of my father who has to share cell phone minutes with her :)

She is 6 years younger then me.

AmyL said...

Hi bleu,

My sis and I have a 9yr. age difference; we have a close, loving relationship.

Here are healing thoughts sent your way.

Demeter said...

It is not the age difference, it is the content of that relationship, your sweet son will have a sibling to love and this child will love him back. So sorry!

Erin said...

My partner's sister is over 5 years younger and they talk for hours on the phone. Bliss will be blessed.

bleu said...

Thank you for all thw wonderful comments. Can I please ask, how about during your childhoods, were you close then. That is when I worry about. Even though there was a large spacing were you close as kids?

Thanks again.