Tuesday, February 13, 2007

good grief...

Things have been pretty mellow. Some things have come up that are interesting to me.

First off, the further I get from the D&C the more physical pain I have had. It is curious. I had zero pain the first day. A tiny bit of cramps the second. The third day I woke up in what I can only describe as back labor pain. It was awful. It eased up and I was fine until that evening. Now since then I have been having uterine cramping. It usually begins by about 4:30 pm and is on and off all night. I am not sure why but it seems so strange and not at all what I expected. I still have basically no bleeding, although I have had some traces of old blood over the last day. I am doing fine with it all, it is just strange to me.

Second is the emotional. I do pretty well through the day, but as the night comes, and the cramps reminding me, I have been having some difficulties. Over the weekend I basically cried every night for a few hours. The committee in my head going full on with the trash talk and inferiority complex issues. Then last night I began thinking about it. I was really "going through it" feeling like shit and listening to all the bad thoughts and I had this realization. I spent much of my youth and young adulthood depressed. As I got older it came and went, pretty much situationally. I have a long history with depression and know it well. So I was feeling all those old thoughts, of sadness, not being "enough", worry, dread etc. and then I was very aware that I had not felt any of these feelings since before I had Bliss. Since my last m/c to be exact. I then got grateful. I am grateful that depression is not a regular part of my life anymore. I am also grateful that all that I am going through right now isn't depression. It is a process, one that I have to go through. One that I have to ride out, and experience, so that I can get to the other side and heal. So that this crap doesn't get stuffed only to come out at a later date in a bad way.

So I had this realization and it made me OK. On a deeper level I was truly OK. I knew this would hurt like hell, I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I knew it also wouldn't be over quickly, but I knew it would be gotten through. I knew there "was" an other side and that I could make it there. I also knew, that as bad as it was, the reason I am going through it is well worth it.

I am getting through it. I have moments of deep gripping, soul crippling pain, and I have moments of relative normalcy.

I have all of it, and it is simply that part of life none of us can escape.


5 om's.:

The Town Criers said...

I think this is a gorgeous post about grief. About the aftermath. And it's an important distinction. I hope your heart feels better soon; as well as your body.

Amber said...

I know that I don't really know you (I post on the BBC ttc boards and found your blog through stacey and angele's blog, I hope its ok for me to comment) but I saw this post and I just wanted to say that I am so in awe of you right now. To be able to feel all of the emotions that accompany such a sad event and still be able to step back and know that it will pass...is phenomenal to me. Your son is so lucky to have a mom who not only cares for herself in this way but who will also teach him to care for himself this way through his lifetime. I also wanted to tell you that I really admire you for standing up for what you believe in re: circumcision and co-sleeping and the like. I agree with you one hundred percent! I think we probably have a lot in common. I am so sorry that you have to go through this sadness. Stay strong and goddess bless. (and again i hope it was ok for me to comment)


Gypsyhick said...

I'm so sorry. So terribly sorry for your loss.

I'm working through the grief, rage, panic, apathy and whatever else is coming down the pipe from my loss in November, and I feel less alone reading your entries. Myself, I've finally stopped looking for the magic wand to speed up the grieving process. I've come to terms (when I remind myself which I have to do often) that this process is just that - a process that needs to be honored. I've been reading and devouring music to work it out, and mostly crying and raging is (I hope) helping my soul back to some kind of peace.

I wish I was the only woman alive that had to deal with this.

(big hugs from Total Internet Stranger)

theoneliner said...

so sorry to hear boaut your loss. so very sorry. sending you warm wishes for healthy grieving.

Adrienne said...

So very, very sorry for your loss, Bleu.