good grief...

Things have been pretty mellow. Some things have come up that are interesting to me.

First off, the further I get from the D&C the more physical pain I have had. It is curious. I had zero pain the first day. A tiny bit of cramps the second. The third day I woke up in what I can only describe as back labor pain. It was awful. It eased up and I was fine until that evening. Now since then I have been having uterine cramping. It usually begins by about 4:30 pm and is on and off all night. I am not sure why but it seems so strange and not at all what I expected. I still have basically no bleeding, although I have had some traces of old blood over the last day. I am doing fine with it all, it is just strange to me.

Second is the emotional. I do pretty well through the day, but as the night comes, and the cramps reminding me, I have been having some difficulties. Over the weekend I basically cried every night for a few hours. The committee in my head going full on with the trash talk and inferiority complex issues. Then last night I began thinking about it. I was really "going through it" feeling like shit and listening to all the bad thoughts and I had this realization. I spent much of my youth and young adulthood depressed. As I got older it came and went, pretty much situationally. I have a long history with depression and know it well. So I was feeling all those old thoughts, of sadness, not being "enough", worry, dread etc. and then I was very aware that I had not felt any of these feelings since before I had Bliss. Since my last m/c to be exact. I then got grateful. I am grateful that depression is not a regular part of my life anymore. I am also grateful that all that I am going through right now isn't depression. It is a process, one that I have to go through. One that I have to ride out, and experience, so that I can get to the other side and heal. So that this crap doesn't get stuffed only to come out at a later date in a bad way.

So I had this realization and it made me OK. On a deeper level I was truly OK. I knew this would hurt like hell, I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I knew it also wouldn't be over quickly, but I knew it would be gotten through. I knew there "was" an other side and that I could make it there. I also knew, that as bad as it was, the reason I am going through it is well worth it.

I am getting through it. I have moments of deep gripping, soul crippling pain, and I have moments of relative normalcy.

I have all of it, and it is simply that part of life none of us can escape.

Grief.