more info...

Thank you to everyone. It means a lot and your words have all be a balm on my sad heart.

As for the baby, I went in for my second appointment, nothing was out of the ordinary. After the usual stuff the NP did the u/s and I saw no flutter, neither did she. She said she was going to get the doc. I told Bliss, who insisted on being there, that something may be wrong with the baby but that I would be fine, maybe sad but fine. He told me it was OK to be sad. I had to wait about 10 minutes and really wanted to get him out so I had my roomie come in, we finally talked him into going to get me and himself a drink. He didn't want to leave me, he knew I was upset. I have always shown my emotions with Bliss and I was trying to hide them, he was very uncomfortable with that but he finally went.

The doc came in and tried for a long time to find a heartbeat. The thing is, it looked crumpled in there, very dark, no firm form, just crumpled. I knew when I saw that it was dead. The measurements said 7w2d which is only 3 days after my u/s said 2 weeks ago. I think the fact that it measured small before was probably significant, in hindsight.

The doc said I could wait or schedule a D&C. I said I had no idea and would get back to her. I left crying and went to find Bliss at the snack cart. He told me he got "The power of the Sun". Apparently he has seen a Sunny Delight commercial lately, because we do not even have that in our house. I knelt down and told him the baby died, I was crying. He looked at me and told me he wanted to exchange it for another baby. I told him once I was healed we would try for another. I told him I was sad but OK, he said he knew.

Once at home I was jumbled with my emotions, the one thing I kept coming back to was how lucky I was that I had Bliss. When I had my other miscarriage I had not had a kid yet. I thought the universe was telling me I would never get to. I now have a child so it is not quite the same. I am devastated nonetheless, but it is different.

After about an hour I started to have the panic attack stuff. I was worried about freaking out Saturday and not being able to do anything. I have not had even a drop of blood since getting pregnant so I have no idea how long it may take. I also found it strange that now that I was off the progesterone my body was rapidly feeling different. The longer that passes since last nights last progesterone the less I feel such strong symptoms. I also was worried it may take weeks. I called the doc back and she scheduled the D&C for tomorrow at 1pm. The NP also checked with my insurance and genetic testing is not covered. I certainly cannot afford it so there won't be any testing to look for a possible cause.

My roomie took the day off and Bliss knows I have to go into the Hospital for a little bit to take the baby that died out so we can make room for when we try to make a baby again. He said OK and that next time he wants a girl, or two babies. I cried some more but kissed him a lot. He is doing well.

I am all over the place, which is to be expected. I will post more after all of this is through tomorrow.

Again, thank you to everyone.