Friday, February 09, 2007

more info...

Thank you to everyone. It means a lot and your words have all be a balm on my sad heart.

As for the baby, I went in for my second appointment, nothing was out of the ordinary. After the usual stuff the NP did the u/s and I saw no flutter, neither did she. She said she was going to get the doc. I told Bliss, who insisted on being there, that something may be wrong with the baby but that I would be fine, maybe sad but fine. He told me it was OK to be sad. I had to wait about 10 minutes and really wanted to get him out so I had my roomie come in, we finally talked him into going to get me and himself a drink. He didn't want to leave me, he knew I was upset. I have always shown my emotions with Bliss and I was trying to hide them, he was very uncomfortable with that but he finally went.

The doc came in and tried for a long time to find a heartbeat. The thing is, it looked crumpled in there, very dark, no firm form, just crumpled. I knew when I saw that it was dead. The measurements said 7w2d which is only 3 days after my u/s said 2 weeks ago. I think the fact that it measured small before was probably significant, in hindsight.

The doc said I could wait or schedule a D&C. I said I had no idea and would get back to her. I left crying and went to find Bliss at the snack cart. He told me he got "The power of the Sun". Apparently he has seen a Sunny Delight commercial lately, because we do not even have that in our house. I knelt down and told him the baby died, I was crying. He looked at me and told me he wanted to exchange it for another baby. I told him once I was healed we would try for another. I told him I was sad but OK, he said he knew.

Once at home I was jumbled with my emotions, the one thing I kept coming back to was how lucky I was that I had Bliss. When I had my other miscarriage I had not had a kid yet. I thought the universe was telling me I would never get to. I now have a child so it is not quite the same. I am devastated nonetheless, but it is different.

After about an hour I started to have the panic attack stuff. I was worried about freaking out Saturday and not being able to do anything. I have not had even a drop of blood since getting pregnant so I have no idea how long it may take. I also found it strange that now that I was off the progesterone my body was rapidly feeling different. The longer that passes since last nights last progesterone the less I feel such strong symptoms. I also was worried it may take weeks. I called the doc back and she scheduled the D&C for tomorrow at 1pm. The NP also checked with my insurance and genetic testing is not covered. I certainly cannot afford it so there won't be any testing to look for a possible cause.

My roomie took the day off and Bliss knows I have to go into the Hospital for a little bit to take the baby that died out so we can make room for when we try to make a baby again. He said OK and that next time he wants a girl, or two babies. I cried some more but kissed him a lot. He is doing well.

I am all over the place, which is to be expected. I will post more after all of this is through tomorrow.

Again, thank you to everyone.

7 om's.:

Erin said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Town Criers said...

Bleu--again, I am so sorry. It's 12:30 as I write this, so you're probably at the hospital. Just know that I'm thinking of you and Bliss.

This post reminded me of the miscarriages my mother had when she was trying for my brother. I was five at the time of one, and I remember the whole thing through 5-year-old eyes.

I think giving the information and being honest with Bliss helps. At least, I can say that from my memories of being a child. I think it's scarier when you don't know what is happening or why your parents are crying. And I think you two have an amazing relationship.

Hang in there, sweetie.

OHN said...

Hello~I found you through Demeter and went back and read all your old posts. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have lost 4 babies (strangely, all girls) and I know all too well the emotional roller coaster you are on. I just wanted you to know that there are many of us out here that can share your emotions.

Sara said...

Sorry to hear such terrible news. We are thinking of you and Bliss.

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry, bleu. bliss sounds like such an amazing child.

Demeter said...

I am so sorry! It is devastating no matter when, no matter how. Take it easy, and receive all the love from your little one and your friends!
Thinking of you!

Mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh Bleu - I was so shocked and sorry to open your blog and read your news this morning. I'm so sad for you :-( What a total bummer that this has happened. I'm really sad for your family sweetie and wish I was there to give you a big hug.