Thursday, June 21, 2007

looking for a fix...

I had a really nice birthday. I spent the day with Bliss, which is the best way I could ever think of spending any day. He said Happy Birthday without being told this year, it was really special. He also sang a tiny bit all of his own accord which almost brought me to tears.

I did not get a call from the doc on my test and I let it go thinking it was how it was meant to be. I called this morning and asked for a call back which I did not get. I found out later my doc was out today. She has been out of the office a lot this week apparently. I am going a bit buggy now but hopefully I will hear from her early tomorrow.

I also began a new eating plan today. I have been doing the treadmill 4-5 times a week for almost a month now and I am finally trying to get the food thing going better.

I need to find a new "fix" for myself. When I was young I went through my drinking and drugs period, neither of which is even remotely interesting or an option now. If I have one drink a month I am doing well in the wild department these days. I went through a sex for a "fix" phase at times in my life. Not an option at the moment but I reserve the right to go there again in 5 or 10 years. I was a cigarette smoker for years and that was a really good "fix" for me but I stopped when I got pregnant and would not go back while raising Bliss or any other child. It is amazing because I still miss it, even over 5 years later. I reserve the right to take that up again when I am 80 if I want. Shopping is not really a good one because I am not wealthy and have no desire for new clothes at this weight.

Some people may say I should get around needing a "fix" and that is the ideal, but in the mean time I want to try and get away from using food for that purpose. It is especially important for when things go wrong or really stressful. When got pregnant I got stressed worrying about a m/c and then I had the m/c and got even more bent. That is the time I want to find something else to use for a "fix."

My dream would be to use meditation for it, but I feel like it will be a long road to get to that. I have relatives and friends who can use exercise for a "fix." That will never be the case for me. I feel better when I work out in an way, and it helps my self esteem, but it doesn't give me that feeling of safety and comfort food does.

I am working on this right now, and the best I can come up with so far is to just "sit with it" when the shit comes up. For now I hope I can do just that.

I am a work in progress.

I am trying to make lifestyle changes. I am trying to get my weight back down so I can feel healthy and be able to have energy and keep up with Bliss.

I did great today.

2 om's.:

ohchicken said...

happy birthday, bleu.

i completely understand about the need for a fix, and the longing to find one that doesn't hurt you in the process.

thank you for the reminder that i am able to start over, on any given day, with a life routine that is healthier for me.

now for more bliss photos :)

Mandy said...

Hi Bleu,
Just wanted to say that you are not alone in wnating to find another way to comfort oneself .I have been overweight my whole life and have turned to food, drugs,cigarettes,sex etc over the years and have chosen to not turn to in any of them. The food is the biggest one for me. i habve also started a healthy eating and excercise regime and it feels great....
i havn't faced a downer yet but will try anything...i might try painting...or writing again,,,i love those things....
good luck with the journey!