looking for a fix...

I had a really nice birthday. I spent the day with Bliss, which is the best way I could ever think of spending any day. He said Happy Birthday without being told this year, it was really special. He also sang a tiny bit all of his own accord which almost brought me to tears.

I did not get a call from the doc on my test and I let it go thinking it was how it was meant to be. I called this morning and asked for a call back which I did not get. I found out later my doc was out today. She has been out of the office a lot this week apparently. I am going a bit buggy now but hopefully I will hear from her early tomorrow.

I also began a new eating plan today. I have been doing the treadmill 4-5 times a week for almost a month now and I am finally trying to get the food thing going better.

I need to find a new "fix" for myself. When I was young I went through my drinking and drugs period, neither of which is even remotely interesting or an option now. If I have one drink a month I am doing well in the wild department these days. I went through a sex for a "fix" phase at times in my life. Not an option at the moment but I reserve the right to go there again in 5 or 10 years. I was a cigarette smoker for years and that was a really good "fix" for me but I stopped when I got pregnant and would not go back while raising Bliss or any other child. It is amazing because I still miss it, even over 5 years later. I reserve the right to take that up again when I am 80 if I want. Shopping is not really a good one because I am not wealthy and have no desire for new clothes at this weight.

Some people may say I should get around needing a "fix" and that is the ideal, but in the mean time I want to try and get away from using food for that purpose. It is especially important for when things go wrong or really stressful. When got pregnant I got stressed worrying about a m/c and then I had the m/c and got even more bent. That is the time I want to find something else to use for a "fix."

My dream would be to use meditation for it, but I feel like it will be a long road to get to that. I have relatives and friends who can use exercise for a "fix." That will never be the case for me. I feel better when I work out in an way, and it helps my self esteem, but it doesn't give me that feeling of safety and comfort food does.

I am working on this right now, and the best I can come up with so far is to just "sit with it" when the shit comes up. For now I hope I can do just that.

I am a work in progress.

I am trying to make lifestyle changes. I am trying to get my weight back down so I can feel healthy and be able to have energy and keep up with Bliss.

I did great today.