what now...

Negative. I knew it would be. I realize it is only day 11/12 but I know my body.

I called my doc today. She called back before noon, goddess love her. She says we should do a Clomid Challenge Test to see if it is still working for me and to see if we get any indicators of current fertility, reserves, and if things are pointing towards injectables. I can so not afford to go that route, but will charge it and do so if it is indicated.

The plan is day 3 blood work, then Clomid 100mg from days 5-9 (I usually take it 3-7) and then day 10 blood work in the morning followed by Estrogen starting that evening. I cannot get blood drawn on Sunday's so I am hoping things time out OK. I also can never decide when to count CD1 with how my periods are lately. I start some heavy spotting or light flow and that can last 1-2 days then I go into my hemorrhaging. I am thinking the best idea is to start counting whichever way assures me that CD3 and CD10 do not fall on a Sunday.

I also have to figure out what to do with my order this month. If my Challenge comes back badly it may be silly to inseminate, but this month I am due to ovulate on my 40th birthday which seems kind of neat. Since I have to have it shipped I have to order in advance a bit more than CD11 so I can't really wait for results. So it may be a waste of $700 if I order and make for a very big bummer b-day, but if the results come back good I don't want to not inseminate, especially being my 40th and all.

So I am bummed. I am glad my doc is working with me. I am glad I am moving forward, but I am bummed.

I woke up about 6:30 and tested and then went back to bed. Bliss rolled over and cuddled which made life better, let's face it. I am so lucky to have him. Once we woke up about an hour later and had our morning kisses I told him I wanted to talk. I cried a bit and told him I wasn't pregnant, again. I told him I was so sad and was trying so hard and that it frustrated me so much. He told me it was OK and that he knew I was trying my hardest. I told him I would keep trying and he said OK, that's good. So we are open about it and it helps us both, I truly believe, to do so.

I am also realizing I am in deep need of a real time friend who has been through it, but I just don't have one. To top that off secondary infertility is such a complicated issue for others it seems. So many tell me I should be happy I have one. I am. So many ask if I am going to keep trying. Duh. So many think I am getting to old. Fuck off. This will be my 12th try this month but it has been over a year and a half because of my break for my thyroid completion surgery. This will be my fourth month on Clomid this time around. I am in such need of venting and getting that positive supportive feedback. And it does come here in Blog Land, even on some BBS. But the thing is, the thing I crave, is the eyes. The eyes that look into your own and convey that soul knowledge. That convey the understanding of just exactly what you are saying, of what it is like to go through this. I wish I had that right now, because it is so lonely here sometimes.

As far as venting though, well I sure do seem able to do that lately. So thanks to any and all who read my blog, thanks for listening, for commenting, for hearing my pain, It does make a difference as well, even if I don't sound like I think that very often.