on the eve of testing...

SO tomorrow I start testing.
(on a side note, I enjoy starting sentences with "so", deal with it)
I am close to tears tonight.
I do not feel like I may be pregnant.
I do not feel hopeful.
My breasts have showed signs with 3 previous pregnancies.
Now they feel nothing.
This is my third try since the m/c.
It is breaking my heart.
Truly breaking my heart.
Each month that passes.
Every dollar shelled out to try all down the drain.
I got pregnant with Bliss my first try back after a 3 cycle wait.
I am just so disappointed.
For myself as a woman,
for myself as a mother.
For Bliss.
(now the tears fall)
I will test and keep trying,
and see the doctor again.
But it is so unfair.
The only place I can go.
The only place where I can let this all out,
to people who truly understand, is here.
It sucks.
It hurts.
It aches.
It burns.


It hurts.