Sunday, October 12, 2008

my head...

I feel better.
Uh oh, maybe things have stopped, you have m/c'd and don't even know it.
My boobs don't hurt so much.
It is second trimester that could be normal.
I feel less queasy, way less.
Again second trimester and you also stopped Metformin and most the progesterone.
Who are you kidding, you spent yesterday queasy as hell and gagging all day.
Yes but before that you DID feel way way better.
Yeah, speaking of Metformin, stopping that could cause a m/c.
I still have to get up to pee during the night.
Yes, but less and with less urgency.
You were able to eat caramel today when sweets have been awful for you during pregnancy.
Yes but caramel has always been the only sweet you could handle pregnant and it was either with a tart apple or salty popcorn.
You have been able to handle sips of plain water.
Yes sips but still preferring lemon water or plain iced tea with lemon.
Smells have not been as awful.
Are you kidding me, you now think your dog smells like chicken noodle soup and your bed has a weird smell.
I haven't felt "as pregnant" as I was.
Again you stopped or drastically cut down a ton of hormones you were taking.
The baby looked great last time.
Yes but it was 11w3d not technically second trimester so things could have turned to shit.
You have an appointment on Tuesday.
Yes but with an NP who last time I saw her was the first one to see dead baby number two.
You are making a good memory with her.
But what if it turns out to be another bad one.
You have been feeling confident.
Yeah, how dumb can I be, it's like I am asking for it.
You are still having strange dreams.
Well even if the baby dies I still have tons of HCG floating around.
You still have a little bit of blood every time you blow your nose.
Again, you still have lots of hormone in ya no matter what the status.
I want this too much, too too much and that is always asking for it.
You wanted Bliss more than air and look at him now.
Yes, but maybe that was all I should ever ask for, I got my dream, asking for more is asking for it.
Oh Goddess I wish you would shut up.
Yeah, me too.

19 om's.:

calliope said...

that is a very busy head space you have. I need to send you a copy of a new meditation cd I got.
you are doing GREAT!
xo

Lollipop Goldstein said...

This is just a hug.

aspiring baker said...

here's my advice: rent a fetal doppler monitor. it's about $45 a month, but if you can afford it, it'll bring you loads of comfort. i got one from baby beat dot com and used it even in labor.

hang in there! your odds are FANTASTIC now.

Jess said...

I remember freaking out on days I felt a little better too. Once I even called and made the OB see me for an emergency ultrasound...and all was well. And then I got really nauseous again a day or so later.

I really think all is great with you and baby. Your
Tuesday appointment will make you feel better. Enjoy the caramel and water!!

Billy said...

and I say - Head! Be quiet! Let Bleu enjoy this pregnancy she so much deserves.

Tanya said...

Man I hope things settle down for you in there soon. I hope the time passes quickly for you until your next prenatal appointment... actually I hope the stressed part passes quickly and you can start enjoying your pregnancy... or baby if that's what it takes.

Sam said...

I can't wait until you get to the point that I am at...whenever I start freaking out in my head I feel a kick or punch or general freak out in my belly and everything is better again. Until I pee myself for the umpteenth time-but that just makes me laugh. Keep going baby! Bleu needs a sibling for Bliss!!

dana said...

Of course those things are going through your head after all you've been through. But - it sounds like all is well in there and you have lots of good energy coming your way!!!!! Continued good luck to you!

Cece said...

One morning, I woke up, I think I was 12 weeks, and every single sympotom was totally gone. I was completely paniced.

I totally and completely understand, and wish I lived closer to give you a hug.

battynurse said...

Oh yes. I have the busy head thing although with totally different things in it. I hope that you get some reassurance with your appointment. Hugs to you.

Kymberli said...

Mind games are always finding some way to poke in and scramble with all the emotions. Sometimes I also wish I could turn my brain off, just for a little while. Tuesday can't come fast enough, but here's a (((HUG))) to hold you between now and then.

mulberry said...

it's like a tug-o-war in there (your brain)... dig your heals in and pull... you are going to come out the other side with a cute little one and bliss is gonna be a great big brother :) maybe the meditation CD calliope mentioned can help you to turn off your brain like kymberli mentioned... that would be GREAT. xoxo mulberry

owl said...

hoping that busy mind calms down soon.
may that precious little one grow and grow strong and healthy and be in your arms before you know it.

may you feel ridiculously sick, be turned off all foods and think the whole world smells awful for the next 28+ weeks....if that is what will give you peace of mind.

sending love and luck

vee said...

Is it so wrong that I chuckled at that post? Maybe it made me smile because it sounds like the soundtrack inside my head half the time. If you find something that shuts it up, do share. Good luck with your next appointment. Hugs xxx

ohchicken said...

sister, you sound SO pregnant.

x

here is to a calm, rested head.

Deb said...

Hoping you are feeling calmer today. May you make a wonderful new memory with that NP.

Anonymous said...

The mind game thing with yourself - man do I hate that. And I have absolutely no useful advice on how to shut it up.

Maybe plan something special with Bliss like a day at the zoo or something that keeps you active and your mind focused somewhere else? Probably oversimplifying a solution here, but with us IF gals, every day we get through is a win, so one day at a time, eh? Also, planning something special is probably a guarantee that you'll end up barfing all day and having the worst morning sickness of your life. Just how stuff works. Toast always landing buttered side down and all....

Either way, good vibes to you and I hope you find some calm and stillness of mind.

Peeveme said...

Juts keep breathing. Also wanting something, having something, feeling confident, feeling good, feeling bad....none of it dooms anything. It's all predetermined. This life will be or not. It;s out of you hands (and your head). There is nothing you can do to change the outcome.

It might not be the most comforting of thoughts BUT at least you don't have to torture yourself. Who are we kidding? Of course you will torture yourself. I do it, too (or hope to soon). But hopefully you have some quite moments of acceptance in there.

Sara said...

I'm sure it's hard to find peace right now. I remember those worries. Sending you peace through the internets.