Thursday, February 07, 2008


My latest beta is 4389.

It is slower than normal according to one place and within range at another.

I am just pretty confused right now.

The doc wants me in for an u/s tomorrow at 1pm.

So more waiting.

Any insight welcome.

I wanted to take a second to say I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, and I am, pregnant, as I type this. The hard part, for me, is that this is what I want so desperately, deeply, soul wrenchingly much that it takes my breath away, and it is not going according to "best stats."
Does that mean it is doomed, absolutely not, but it makes it hard to just be thrilled. Many of you, unfortunately, know that when you have experienced pregnancy loss, on any level, you never have much comfort and ease during subsequent pregnancies if you are lucky enough to have one. I know this, I know that even with great numbers you can have loss, I had that last year this week. I just get so afraid of feeling that pain again.
For me every time I go to the dentist and I need a shot in my mouth I cry, no matter what the dentist does or how great he or she is, I cry. It never gets better. I know I can deal with it but it is still awful for me. Mel mentioned something like this with shots in general. I am lucky I have no trouble with any other shots, just ones in my mouth.
I have been through 2 pregnancy losses. I lived through them. I had an amazing child in between them. I know if the worst happens I will live but I am so afraid of that pain again. I just don't want it. I do my best to stay positive, but I am really afraid here folks.
I wish I weren't. I wish my head would shut up. I read my Buddhism books nightly to try and find a way to meditate right now. I talk to my belly. I visualize. But my head loves to tell me I am too fat to stay pregnant. Or it is doomed because I need it too much or want it too much. Last night in tears my roomie got an earful of me questioning why I don't feel I am enough for Bliss. I KNOW all of that is bullshit. I am well acquainted with the bullshit brigade that occupies space in my head. I just wish I didn't have to battle them off and tell them to shhh every 5 minutes because frankly they do not make this any easier.
So I just wanted to be clear. I am aware I am pregnant, and very thrilled, but presently in a lot of painful fear.
But I am trying, really I am.

10 om's.:

calliope said...

no insight - sorry for that. But I am hoping that your scan tomorrow gives you (& all of us) great piece of mind.

You are constantly in my thoughts & prayers.

MaverickMama said...

I'm not very insightful, but here is
my 2 cents since you asked.

You continue to be pregnant.

You can commit to be this this being's safe place for as long his new life needs your body.

I hope that this pregnancy lasts at least 37 weeks and ends with a healthy baby in your arms.

Peace be with you.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

um ok I have to admit I did some flips and cartwheels when I read this :) I don't have any professional insight or experience- my experience was just a very low beta at first (22) but the doubling wasn't an issue at the time. You are inching towards answers and I am so happy you have an u/s scheduled tomorrow instead of having to wait a week ro so. I mean I know this whole thing is a cruel waiting game, but hopefully tomorrow will yield some answers...
Oh Bleu- I hate to be the queen of positivity in a situation thats 'questionable' BUT THAT NUMBER IS STILL CLIMBING MISSY!!!! So um...right now? You're pregnant :)
PRAYING that tomorrow goes well for you and you walk out with a huge cheesy smile on your face. So huge that people look at you like wtf? :)

vee said...

Wishing I had something useful to share, but I don't. Waiting and hoping with you.

tobacco brunette said...

I wish I had some insight, but I don't.

I am thinking of you and Bliss and keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow's u/s.

I know this is so hard. Please take care.


tobacco brunette said...

Now I'm responding to your update:

Of course you are thrilled, grateful, and excited to be pregnant.

None of that changes the fact that you've had two losses and you know how this can turn out. It's fucking terrifying. Even with the most perfect, on-track numbers the fear of another loss is overwhelming. So to be freaking out over numbers that are lower than you'd ideally like makes total sense to me. Hell, my transfer isn't even until Monday and I'm already aware of the fact that if I get pregnant I'll be terrified until I either have a misscarriage or am holding a live, screaming baby.

Not the way most women view their pregnancies, I think. Unfortunately, it seems to be our lot.


Be good to yourself, bleu.


p.s. This was meant to be comforting. It it was annoying, tell me to fuck off. : )

Michell said...

I hope that tomorrow gives you some answers and helps you to feel comfortable with where you are at. I so understand the whole thing about how at this moment I am pregnant and the fear of it not lasting. Especially when the numbers aren't where they say they should be. Hang in there.

owl said...

nothing to say to make you feel better. but the numbers are growing...and not in piddly amounts, that seems very reassuring to me!
I am also glad you are getting an ultrasound tomorrow, may it show everything the way it should be.

You are not too fat to stay pregnant. That comment makes me so sad for you. You are NOT too fat to stay pregnant.

Sara said...

So sorry you have to go through this waiting. Sending you thoughts of peace.

Jen said...

Good luck today! Thanks for your comments. I'm crossing my fingers for both of us!