My latest beta is 4389.
It is slower than normal according to one place and within range at another.
I am just pretty confused right now.
The doc wants me in for an u/s tomorrow at 1pm.
So more waiting.
Any insight welcome.
I wanted to take a second to say I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, and I am, pregnant, as I type this. The hard part, for me, is that this is what I want so desperately, deeply, soul wrenchingly much that it takes my breath away, and it is not going according to "best stats."
Does that mean it is doomed, absolutely not, but it makes it hard to just be thrilled. Many of you, unfortunately, know that when you have experienced pregnancy loss, on any level, you never have much comfort and ease during subsequent pregnancies if you are lucky enough to have one. I know this, I know that even with great numbers you can have loss, I had that last year this week. I just get so afraid of feeling that pain again.
For me every time I go to the dentist and I need a shot in my mouth I cry, no matter what the dentist does or how great he or she is, I cry. It never gets better. I know I can deal with it but it is still awful for me. Mel mentioned something like this with shots in general. I am lucky I have no trouble with any other shots, just ones in my mouth.
I have been through 2 pregnancy losses. I lived through them. I had an amazing child in between them. I know if the worst happens I will live but I am so afraid of that pain again. I just don't want it. I do my best to stay positive, but I am really afraid here folks.
I wish I weren't. I wish my head would shut up. I read my Buddhism books nightly to try and find a way to meditate right now. I talk to my belly. I visualize. But my head loves to tell me I am too fat to stay pregnant. Or it is doomed because I need it too much or want it too much. Last night in tears my roomie got an earful of me questioning why I don't feel I am enough for Bliss. I KNOW all of that is bullshit. I am well acquainted with the bullshit brigade that occupies space in my head. I just wish I didn't have to battle them off and tell them to shhh every 5 minutes because frankly they do not make this any easier.
So I just wanted to be clear. I am aware I am pregnant, and very thrilled, but presently in a lot of painful fear.
But I am trying, really I am.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
My latest beta is 4389.
Posted by bleu at 3:44 PM