Monday, February 25, 2008

pain...

I am not sleeping much. I have been having just awful nightmares. Most about or related to my biological family who disowned me over 10 years ago. I am bitter and angry but really I just am mourning the family I wish I had, the support I wish I had, the unconditional love I wish I had. It's one of the reasons I am trying so desperately to have more children, to give Bliss family, family who will be there when I am gone, family who knows the value of unconditional love.

I didn't have many people to tell this time, thank Goddess. I called everyone on the way home from the clinic on Thursday, in tears. I spoke with a best friend and a cousin I am in contact with (she has been through 2 m/c's) and later got a hold of another. I also left messages for four others. My cousin also told my aunt who I have a relationship with.

The next day my cousin called, asked how I was, and then said she called to ask some info on an Ikea unit I owned. I was so floored. I wasn't even given 24 hours. She said it must be the hardest to be waiting with them dead inside me. I said I was fine, answered her questions and hung up.

My aunt has never called, in fact no one has called me at all of any of the messages I left. I get people do not know what to say, but it hurts, it is like adding more layers of pain to an already endless pit of it. There are hours where I just sit and hit refresh over and over waiting for a new comment because it is literally my only means of support, my only means of feeling held through this.

I have no family. I have a roomie/best friend who is great but is not the kind of friendship to hold me all night as I ball. That is ok, she is fantastic and wonderful with Bliss and it is simply who she is. She is hurting a ton over this and helps me immensely. I just wish I had a mother, or a friend who could. Bliss makes it all better in so many ways but it is not his responsibility to be all that for me. I cry some in front of him, but I do a lot after he is asleep.

I have not had even a tinge of a spot. I have always had the cervix of steel and thus far it is not budging. I am in pain though. I spent the past two days feeling body aches and kidney pain and now this morning I have uterine cramps, more like a pulled muscle than period cramps but they are constant.

I read on a board someone speaking about how they had felt their body failed them in not getting pregnant for so long, and then not keeping the baby, and that they were waiting to miscarry naturally in part to help restore some faith in their body, that it could at least do this right. I identified with it a lot, but now feel as if I may not even be able to do this correctly.

I am sure it sound sick but a part of me doesn't want to let my babies go, let them out of my body, and I am sure that is affecting this process. They are MY babies, and the idea of letting them go makes it all more final, more a reality that my dream is over, that I am back where I was over 2 years ago trying to have another baby.

And what the fuck is up with February??? I conceived Bliss in February, and have had 2 of my 3 miscarriages in February. I am rather torn but no one can say this isn't the month of love, love lost and love found for sure.

I have had some of the anger come up, in between tears and numbness. The stages are so predictable but no less painful.

So I am waiting, in pain, every kind of pain, and hoping it will and won't end soon.

p.s. just got call from new tests with old lab and my numbers are all fine, antibodies way down and thyroglobulin undetectible which is good and explains nothing as to this loss

19 om's.:

Catherine said...

Bleu, I am so sorry that this is happening. I can't even imagine your pain. I wish there was something I could do. Just know I am thinking of you.

Catherine

vee said...

It's so awful to see you go through this and not be able to do anything to help or make it hurt a little less. Being on the other end of cyberspace doesn't really cut it. I don't know you in real life, but I'd like to think that if I did, I'd have something more comforting to say than those family members who have let you down so badly here have. That must be so hard. But I admire your incredible strength in pursuing your dream to create your family and I'm glad you have your strong, beautiful boy with you.
I'm holding you in my thoughts, for what it's worth.

NotesFrom2Moms said...

when i look for family I don't see every much either having lost both of my parents and being pretty estranged from my one sibling. I do see my chosen family - my friends who should have been blood relatives - but get to be relatives just the same. Good luck. I hope your body responds kindly.

mrsbluemont said...

I wish I could turn off my computer and run next door to tap on your door and hug you. I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially without the proper support that family should give.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to hold on to your babies. I admire how you are staying in touch with your body and not abandoning this experience through the pain.

You are so incredible. I wish you peace and an end to this pain.

oxox

cristin said...

i'm so sorry. i keep typing sentences here and then deleting them because they don't sound right. i don't know what to say, but know that I am thinking about you.

K said...

I identified with it a lot, but now feel as if I may not even be able to do this correctly.

My dear friend, if I can offer you one tiny suggestions... please remember to be as gentle with yourself as you would with any of us if we were in your shoes. I don't mean to suggest that you shouldn't say things like that in your posts - not at all. On the contrary, I'm glad to see you using this outlet for any and every little thing you are feeling. But I also hope that you are simultaneously reminding yourself that while you may feel badly about your body, you are an incredibly strong and wonderful woman, or at least that you will allow me to remind you of that. About a million years ago you reminded me not to write my body off as broken, and it was exactly what I needed at the time, so now I offer your own wisdom back to you.

I am so, so sorry. I hate that you are going through this and there is so little that I can really do to support you. Please feel free to email if you need anything.

Jen said...

I am so sorry for pain. There are no words and no answers I can provide. Just know that I am thinking of you.

Sara said...

Pain is so isolating. Like the other gals here, I wish I could do more for you than leave a comment. I know cyber-support can be therapuetic, but a good hug and someone who kind of gets it right there beside you is so much better.

I am still sending my thoughts your way. Please be kind to yourself.

jay said...

I am thinking of you too. And I'm ever so sorry. There isn't much else I can say, but I would like to send you a hug.

Solitaire said...

I'm so sorry Bleu. I wish I could be there to have a glass of wine and a hug and commiserate with you.

I did want to add that with the loss, it seems to me that when beta numbers are low and not doubling appropriately, more often than not things don't work out for the best. Sometimes they do, but I've seen too many women get through beta hell only to miscarry later to not think something is connected. I think I saw some research on that somewhere too. So I tend to think this was not an immune or antibody issue, and therefore not anything that you did. I don't know if that'll bring any comfort at all, but I wanted to say it.

Lizzie said...

So sorry you are feeling so alone in the midst of such a loss. Sending you whatever support I can from afar .......

Anonymous said...

Bleu, I'm so sorry that I'm not close enough to give you a BIG hug and be a shoulder for you to cry on. I'm so glad you lean on your on-line friends. We may not completely "understand" what you are going thru or have been thru. But, please know that there are a lot of us to support you and Bliss as much as possible.
BB

R and J said...

I hate the pain you are going through and that there is no one close enough to wrap you up and give you a big hug. I would if I were close enough. Sending you lots of hugs!

Michell said...

I'm so very sorry. At this moment I don't even feel like I have something profound to say or even remotely helpful. I'm just so sorry.

Tanya said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and don't have your family there to support you. I can't imagine how you hard that must be. I know it's little consolation but there are plenty of us out here who wish we could be there for you.

owlie said...

i hate that this is happening to you. i hate that you have so little support. i am glad you have this blog and these women's comments to give you some comfort.

i wish comments could be more interactive and we could all just come sit with you and give you what you need.

I feel very inadequate with these comments that really say nothing. but i think you are amazingly strong. i think you are an amazing woman, amazing mother.

I hope you find what and who you need to support you through the loss of these babies.

tobacco brunette said...

Like everyone else, I hate that you are experiencing the pain of miscarriage again. I hate even more that you don't have a strong in-person support network to console you with kind words spoken to your face, tight hugs, and strong shoulders.

I hope that you'll try to remember to be kind to yourself. Easier said than done...I know.

I've been thinking and worrying about you a lot. I wish I could do more than leave stupid comments. Please take care, honey.

XO

Kim said...

Oh Bleu, I'm so sorry about your babies. I hate so much that you're going through this again, and wish that I could sit and grieve with you in person. As you told me a month ago, try to be kind to yourself.

nancy said...

Just a quick note to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'll write more soon.

hugs and smooches.