Saturday, February 23, 2008

tonight...

the tears have finally arrived

it hurts so deeply and i am just trying to breathe and let it wash through me over and over as long as it takes

i have been through this before, twice before, i know the process

i hate that i know the process

i got a very long very thorough letter from my doc tonight. he is such a wonderful man and he answered much i was questioning. i wrote back with some more but am now ok with having this happen naturally.

i will also likely take blue and black cohosh to aid in the passing of my babies

the last time i had a natural m/c i saved the baby and later buried it, i have the soil from the place in a pretty jar on my alter

i don't want to do that but know i likely will again as letting them pass down a drain is so wrong to me

i want so much to grasp at some reason for this that will make sense, that i can rectify, that i can make never happen again

i hate that i have to go through this process of pain, of suffering in my core, to get to the other side but i know i have to so i can start again and try again

so i am crying, deep painful crying all night long

16 om's.:

Lizzie said...

So, so sorry. Holding you and the lost little ones in the light ....

The Fonaholics said...

This is so fucked...

Sara said...

So sorry. My thoughts are continually with you.

tobacco brunette said...

i am so sorry, bleu. just so, so sorry. XO

R and J said...

I know words aren't enough. I'm so sorry for the pain.

vee said...

I hate that you're going through this again.

Solitaire said...

I hate hate hate that you are going through this again. I am so sorry Bleu. I was crying with you last night. I hope that today you are feeling a little more cleansed thanks to the tears.

owlie said...

this is just awful.
i have no words but want you to know i think of you often.

calliope said...

It will just never make sense.
I am thinking of you and sending you love.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

sandra said...

i'm so sorry and i too hate that you know this process *hugs*

Neenie/PawsNY said...

I am frozen for you- absolutely frozen for you. How unfair and cruel- I am just so sorry. Sorry doesn't mean shit at this moment but there are no words. I wish I could send you a hug and something to help comfort you- if there even is anything that can do that enormous feat.
Cry. Cry all night and all day. You have every right bleu. I am crying for you too if that means anything. I am so so sorry.
For you and Bliss- I send hugs and love your way

niobe said...

How terrible and unfair that you have to go through this yet again.

amanda said...

i just heard about your terrible loss from Cali at Creating Motherhood--i wanted to send you my condolences, strength, and love (even though you don't know me). i am so very, very sorry.

Bea said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your twins. Wishing you peace.

Bea

Moi said...

Positive energy and healing light your way.

Jennifer said...

My heart is breaking for you...I am so sorry Bleu...so sorry!