tonight...

the tears have finally arrived

it hurts so deeply and i am just trying to breathe and let it wash through me over and over as long as it takes

i have been through this before, twice before, i know the process

i hate that i know the process

i got a very long very thorough letter from my doc tonight. he is such a wonderful man and he answered much i was questioning. i wrote back with some more but am now ok with having this happen naturally.

i will also likely take blue and black cohosh to aid in the passing of my babies

the last time i had a natural m/c i saved the baby and later buried it, i have the soil from the place in a pretty jar on my alter

i don't want to do that but know i likely will again as letting them pass down a drain is so wrong to me

i want so much to grasp at some reason for this that will make sense, that i can rectify, that i can make never happen again

i hate that i have to go through this process of pain, of suffering in my core, to get to the other side but i know i have to so i can start again and try again

so i am crying, deep painful crying all night long