Thursday, February 21, 2008

7w6d... (updated)

I lost the babies.
Both stopped growing last week.
Now I wait to miscarry for the third and fourth time.

UPDATE: So the first thing upon getting home is I get the mail. How perfect that the very very first bill I have ever gotten from my clinic was in the mail, and it was for the IVF in December. It is just the timing of it that was frustrating.

Next after I was home for about 15-20 minutes I get a call from my Endocrinologist. I had gone to get my thyroid levels checked a couple weeks ago to make sure all was ok for the pregnancy. The TSH T3 and T4 were all ok, the T4 came back just above the limits, but nothing to worry about. My Endo suggested lowering my meds a tiny bit once a week. My Thyroglobulin levels and antibodies were both not back yet. Fast forward to last week and they were still not back, no biggie. If you want my total history with thyroid cancer and then Hashimoto's Disease read THIS post.
So the docs nurse tells me the Thyroglobulin came back pretty ok but that my antibodies were at 661. The doc wanted to possibly schedule an ultrasound to check for left over tissue or a possible new nodule to make sure nothing could interfere with this pregnancy. I informed the nurse I had lost the pregnancy, she asked when, and I said I had found out about a half hour ago. She said she would have the doc call.
Here is the thing folks. I had gotten my antibodies to right around 200. I have had my entire thyroid removed, half at 19 and the other half 2 years ago when I had the severe Hashimoto's. How in the fuck can my antibodies triple in the past few months if I have no thyroid???????????? And now there is the huge question of if it caused this loss or not.
I also cannot fucking believe the timing of all of this. I am now numb, just numb. I took some junk food. I say "took" because I was either going to have a drink or have shit food. I wasn't even hungry.
The only good thing...it turns out I have not gained any weight.
So I am dumbfounded and confused. I am waiting for a call from my Endo and my RE.
Bliss said to me when I came crying out of the clinic "aww but we were soooo close!' He has been fine but wanting me near, but his usual wonderful funny self. A little while ago he asked if we were going to have a baby and I said not right now, that as I said before the babies didn't make it this pregnancy. I asked if he was ok and he said yes, I asked if he was sad and he said he was sad the babies didn't make it but otherwise he was fine. He is amazing and truly what gets me through all this.

ANOTHER UPDATE: The Endo just called and because it is a different lab that uses a different assay we have no way of knowing what has really happened so now I have to go back to my old lab and have the tests done again, which is not my lab now but should be covered as an out of network lab. ARRRRGGGHHH

59 om's.:

e said...

oh bleu...i cannot believe it. thinking of you and sending love from me and GS (who is traveling right now).

Kathy V said...

I am so sorry for the loss of both of your babies.

JJ said...

Bleu....there are not enough words to say how sorry I am. I am here for you to lean on-please know you are in my prayers.

Meghan said...

Oh no, I know I haven't followed your blog, came here from the lost and found. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something more to say...

you'll be in my thoughts

Fertilize Me said...

I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you!

The Town Criers said...

I am just gutted for you and the babies and Bliss. Sending so many hugs right now to you.

soul-quest said...

I am so unbeleivably sorry, I am thinking of you and wish you strength and time to mourn.
Lianne

Carrie said...

I'm so very sorry. I know the feeling of repeated loss and my heart is so heavy for you. I will be thinking of you.

Jen said...

I have no words to express my sadness and sorrow. My heart is aching for you. You've been so sweet to me during my miscarriage, I only hope I can offer a little of the light, hope and love you've given me.

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your twins. Crying for you, and them...

MaverickMama said...

Sadness.
MM

butterflyanla said...

My heart is breaking for you. I held out so much hope for this pregnancy. I am thinking of you during this difficult recovery period.May your heart and soul heal in due time.

FiestyKel said...

I feel devastated just to read this, I cannot imagine the hell that is your reality right now. I am so sorry :(

Sharon (Shassta) said...

Bleu, there is nothing that I can say that will make this any easier to bear for you. I am sorry, I am here for you if you need a cybershoulder to cry on.

nancy said...

oh no bleu. oh no.

I was just checking up on you. There was not an alternate universe I expected to see this. I'm sitting here, completely dumbfounded.

I am so very sorry. I am so sorry you have lost two precious souls. Two souls I already know you loved.

There's nothing more I can say except I'm sorry. My nose burns and my eyes are full for you and your family. ~hugs~

calliope said...

oh honey...I am just gutted by this news. Sending you masses amounts of love. Please let me know if you need anything.I am so so sorry.
xoxoxoxo

Lori said...

Bleu, I am so sorry for the loss of your two babies. The world is a lesser place.

Sara said...

OMG. I am so sorry. I can't believe it. So, so sorry.

ms.bri said...

I am so, so sorry, Holding you in the light.

Targetgirl said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Much love to you through this very hard time.

Birdies Mama said...

oh sweetheart...when I read your post my heart stopped for a moment. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for this awful news.

my love and support are with you.
I wish I could give you a hug....a really really long hug and cry with you.

love, Erin

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry

Heidi said...

I am terribly sorry to hear this. Love and hugs and hope.

sandra said...

Bleu - I am so sorry for your losses *hugs*

orodemniades said...

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Is there any chance this could be an Rh issue?

Carey said...

I am so sorry... none of this is fair. :(

tobacco brunette said...

Oh bleu. Oh honey. I am so completely heartbroken for you and bliss. And on top of it all you have to deal with this thyroid shit, too?!?!

I wish had more to offer you than useless words. Be good to yourself, sweetheart. I'm so, so sorry.

XOXO

aspiring baker said...

FUCK.

I am so, so, so sorry.

Take good care of yourself and your beautiful boy.

Lolly said...

kicking the universe's teeth for you. sometimes it is just the deluge that makes it impossible to breathe and keep going.

Jennifer said...

Oh No Blue...No! I am in total shock over your news...terrible news. I am so sorry, honey. So so sorry!

I'm going to go out on a limb and say those thyroid antibodies may have contributed...antibodies are not good...and those numbers really went up pretty high. I'm so sorry honey...is there anything they can give you to treat those antibodies? This is just so shocking and so sad...I really thought this was IT for you!

((hugs)) lots of them

Deb said...

Oh my gosh...

I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of you!

Becky said...

I was sent over by Cali, and I wanted to express how very sorry I am for your loss. It's just terrible.

mrsbluemont said...

I am so sorry. Keep your little boy close and take care of yourself. xoxo

I am so sorry.

j said...

I'm so sorry Bleu. This fucking sucks and....I'm just sorry.

soapchick said...

Bleu - I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort in the hugs of Bliss. Sending you hugs and prayers from Michigan.

Melody said...

Heartbroken for you. Just heartbroken. I'm so sorry.

Solitaire said...

Oh damn, hon, I am so SO sorry.

Jess said...

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for this loss and am thinking of you.

Kathleen said...

Really sorry to hear this.

Shelli said...

I'm just so, so, sorry.

Tanya said...

SHIT!

annacyclopedia said...

I'm so sorry. You and Bliss will be in my prayers.

bb-joy said...

Bleu, I'm so sorry for you and Bliss. This is so heartbreaking and I have been in tears all afternoon, since reading the news. I am thinking about you both and hope your recovery happens as quickly as possible and that they are able to give you more information at your old clinic about your antibodies.

dismantledarmadillo said...

So very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and light to you and your boy.

Becky said...

I am so sorry. I am sending prayers your way.

charlotte said...

I'm so heartsick with you. You have been through so so much and this makes me so so sad. and the lab crap on top of it all. yuck. love to you.

luna said...

so very sorry. there are no words. thinking of you. ~luna

owlie said...

shedding tears for you.
I am so sorry and so sad and can not believe this is happening to you.

I hope you get some answers and have plenty of love and support close to you.

bliss sounds amazing, you are lucky to have each other.

hoping4baby said...

Bleu, so sorry for the loss of your babies! Hopefully you can find some comfort in the supportive little guy you have. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Bliss!!

calliope said...

oh man. I am reading your updates and just baffled. Sending you so so much love.
xoxo

Sara said...

As if the loss isn't enough - so much CRAP to go through! So sorry, Bleu.

cristin said...

bleau, so so sorry. there aren't any words. you are in my thoughts.

Jude said...

I am so, so very sorry.

So very sorry.

NotesFrom2Moms said...

i'm so sad. Know that people are thinking of you and hoping you emerge on the otherside of this tragedy.

Lizzie said...

Holding you and Bliss in my heart. So sorry.

Michell said...

Damn. I am so so so sorry. I hope they figure out what the deal is with the thyroid antibodies and I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this now in addition to miscarrying.

lady in waiting said...

I am so, so sorry. I really thought this was going to be it. I know nothing can comfort you right now.
I don't know about the antibodies themselves, they could be markers for other things (according to RE's that treat for immunology). Mine thyroglobulin is always crazy high like that too (200-500 range). I take synthroid but I have heard that prednisone helps with the TgAb's and pregnancy. Maybe you can get on that for the next cycle?
HUGS and best wishes. Thinking of you and Bliss.

Rebeccah said...

So very sorry... You have been through so much.

RJ said...

Oh Bleu, I'm so sorry. I've haven't checked the boards in a long time, but I saw a link to your blog and so I thought I would click. I'm so sad for you - you have been though so much.